I thought I was being harsh but...

[skettle]

I posted a message about my DP and his spending habits a few days ago...I then felt guilty because he'd gone out and bought my boys a load of christmas presents...

I thought maybe I had been too hard on him and maybe I over-react to his spending and wasting money but since he's been paid Im starting to wonder if I was harsh or not. Basically as soon as he got paid he went out and signed up to a new mobile phone contract (remember his last one almost ended up in court because he didnt pay the bill and his contract was terminated). He then switched to pay as you go but then saw a phone that he "just needed to have" and so signed up to another contract to get the phone!

Another thing that has annoyed me is that he went out last night for a work christmas do and then ended up going clubbing afterwards (fair enough, I dont begrudge him that) BUT then he phones and tells me that when he comes down next weekend (we only get to see each other once a fortnight at the moment) we wont be able to go out or do anything as "money will be tight". He says this EVERY time he comes down and had promised that we would be able to go out next weekend and had even said that he was going to treat me to some new clothes, not that I expect him to do that, especially this close to christmas but it just shows how quickly everything is forgotten with him as soon as he lays his hands on money. We never go out as he never has any money and I can't afford to pay for us both. THEN he goes and tells me that he's decided to get a hire car for next weekend!? surely that would cost more than a night out?

We're supposed to be going for a meal next weekend with the kids and my mum etc and last night whilst he was telling me that next weekend will be tight he'd actually forgotten about this meal that has been booked and planned for months now. He's now promised he will have the money to go halfs on the meal but Im still annoyed at him. It's one thing after another with him.

Am I right to be annoyed or am I over-reacting?

(the full story behind his money problems can be found in the thread "getting sick of it all".

sounds like he is making all the decisions about the money that you as a couple have....do you have your own income?

I'm afraid I would be extremely annoyed. He sounds like a child who has to spend all his pocket money as soon as he gets it.

Hi,

we dont live together and our money is completey seperate, the thing is I always budget properly so that I have the money to go out or treat myself to a takeaway etc but when he comes down once a fortnight to stay with us for the weekend he always comes down with no money so I'm left paying for everything, he even asks me to 'lend' him money for magazines etc. He lives with his mum so its not as if he has a mortgage or rent or bills etc to pay... just his debts but as soon as he gets paid he spends it all in a week or so and we are never able to go out or do anything

Just to add, when he does have the money he is very generous with it, he paid for us to go to the cinema last weekend and get a takeaway but I have a feeling he got that money off his mum simply because I had been nagging at him about wanting to go out.

Its not that he's selfish with his money, its just that he simply doesnt think when he is spending it all as soon as he gets it

I dont like getting at him all the time but the words "next weekend might be a bit tight" is starting to become very tedious, especially when he's just wasting his money on stupid things like mobile phones (of which he has 3) and hire cars. Like I said in the other post, I dont expect him to pay for me but surely its not too much to ask that he saves some money to pay for himself so we can go out on weekends??? I only have one weekend a fortnight without my children and so like to make the most of it, sitting in watching tv doesnt appeal to me at all.

It sounds very much to me like he goes off and enjoys himself the rest of the time, then weekends with you are a bit of a rest, probably some sex, etc. I posted on your other thread - I don't think this will change without you telling him where to go, I'm afraid.

its a bit different if you are not living together - but all the same i would be fairly hacked off by now. can't you just explain to him what you have said here - that - unlike him - you only get very limited time when you can go out, so you need to make the most of it?

Skettle,

Three mobile phones?????. Why exactly does he need three mobile phones?.

Having read about him before this thread of yours now I have to ask this of you, "What on earth do you see in him?". He is totally and utterly irresponsible with money and he will not change.

Thank goodness he has not moved in with you. Don't ever do this because if you do you will regret this bitterly.

You have two children to look after; you do not need a third.

What would you say to a friend of yours if she was writing all this down as you are?.

Totally agree with Meerkastunite....
This is unbelievably selfish what he does! He is not taking any responsibility... he needs to grow up....

This is more of the same sorry story, isn't it? yes, it's lovely to buy the boys presents, but we can all do tht! Most of us love to get things for our kids, but most of us (including you, as you budget very well) realise that it has to be done within a budget that we can afford. No ppoint splashing out on presents that you couldn't afford to buy them if YOU then have to pick up the tab for everything else.
He's incorrigible, and i wouldn't get any deeper involved with this man unless he completely changes his ways.. He will bring financial trouble down on you, and it could be v serious.

agree with meerskat

what on earth do you see in him????
sorry to seem harsh but you are getting taken for a ride girl

you only see him once a fortnight, surely if he cared that much he would make that weekend special, I am not talking about dinner at the Ivy but something a bit more special that the pictures and a poxy take-away.

I know money is tight all round before crimbo but he is just taking the piss outta you.

Dump him and find someone who will want to spend time with you and appreciate you abit more.

The 3 mobile phones are from various contracts that he has had (where you get the phone free with the contract), when I first met him he had two, then whilst he was with me he decided to upgrade his phone to a better one which added over £100 to his monthly bill and then realised he couldnt pay it so he was threatened with court etc and the contract was terminated...then he went to a pay as you go phone and has now just gone and got another one so that's actually 4 altogether. (I think he's just sold one).

He keeps going on about wanting one of those new xbox's but we were supposed to be saving up to go on holiday next year...seems the xbox comes first.

He had a minor operation a few months ago and had to take 6 weeks off work so that meant he just needed a PSP...how else would he combat the boredom? it was absolutely essential that he have a psp for those 6 weeks so his mum leant him £200+ for a psp BUT he needed a better memory thing for it so that added another £80 to the total cost. He does have a playstation 2 etc that he could have messed around on for those 6 weeks but no, he needed a psp.

I have asked him if we're still ok for a night out on new years eve, he says he will budget to take £100 out, it will be interesting to see how much that drops by the time new years eve is here.

Skettle,

Thank you for answering the question re the phones.

Oh the poor diddums "needed" a PSP to help him recover from his operation?!!!!. If its not one gadget he needs its another and another and another; the newest and shiniest gadget on the market quickly superceded by another (and thus wanted by him). It will never end - and you need to wake up to him now.

So what exactly do you see in him?.

I've got an even better idea for you - why not ditch this loser before New Years Eve?.

Y'know I feel for you really. You've had one useless ex who never went out and now you've ended up with another loser. Work on your own self image and esteem and love yourself for a change. The more you value yourself the less chance you have of picking poorly.

what I see in him - he is a laugh and he is generous/kind when he has the money (if he has any left by the time he comes down). I dont know though, he just doesnt seem to think. He will normally do anything for me too but tends to make it obvious if he doesnt want to which kind of defeats the purpose.

Another thing that annoyed me...I asked him to give me ideas of what he wanted for christmas so he said he really wanted some new aftershave (he only gets the designer types) so I thought Id buy him some red joop or armani. Anyway, when he got paid he told me that he'd just bought some armani but didnt like it so was going to take it back and swap it for something else...it would've been all the same if I had already bought was I originally was going to buy him. He tells me to buy him something for christmas and then goes and buys it himself as soon as he has the money.

He reckons everything is going to change next year... I dont want to finish with him now incase I am being too hard on him or being selfish I am planning to work on myself next year too though so maybe once I work on my own life I wont be as reliant on him to take me out etc.. I still think he should make an effort though

skettle, the objection I would have to his behaviour is that it seems he is not thinking about you at all. When it suits him, he'll pay or buy stuff but if it doesn't then he won't. If you indicate that you might like to go out, he doesn't seem to bear that in mind & think "yes, I'll save £20 so that we can go to the cinema".
I'm sorry but this really doesn't bode well for the future. It suggests he really only does what he wants & stuff you. If he is selfish & thoughtless at this stage in your relationship - do you really think he is going to get better?
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

aside from agreeing with what everyone has already said....do u ever go see him? does he always come to your house and then u expect him to take you out?

not having a go, just wondering if u have an expectation of him that he can't fulfil?

If he rings and tells you 'next weekend will be a bit tight' tell him you'll see him the weeked after.... You do realise the xbox 360 is about £290, does he have many people to buy gifts for this christmas????

Skettle,

I'm not being hard on you honestly but I just want you to think long and hard here. Deep down I think you realise that he is not going to change for the better esepcially if he was to move in (god forbid).

Re your comments below:-

"He reckons everything is going to change next
year... I dont want to finish with him now incase I am being too hard on him or being selfish I am planning to work on myself next year too though so maybe once I work on my own life I wont be as reliant on him to take me out etc.. I still think he should make an effort though".

You have previously called him a Walter Mitty figure (he wants to go on holiday to the US, buy a house on a new development. Plenty of grand plans here but none that come to fruition). I can only assume that your own lack of self esteem and image is imagining you to look more "kindly" upon his actions and questions yours (you ask am I being selfish?).

He's the one being both childish and selfish - not you. Someone who cannot think beyond their own self and needs is bad news for anyone who encounters such a person.

Your own lack of self esteem is all too evident - you need to work on yourself NOW, not next year. You will find reason not to do it otherwise.

Love yourself for a change, you will feel happier for doing so.

hang on a second.

they're not married or living together. he can spend his money on what he wants. and his mothers if she's daft enough to give it to him.

obviously he needs to learn to be a bit more considerate, and get a better understanding of how his decisions affect skettle. but that doesn't make him a bad person or a loser, just a single person living life and spending money as he pleases with none of the responsibilities or compromises that parents take on.

i haven't read your other thread, are all the other aspects of your relationship good?

mumofmonsters, he still lives with his mum so its a bit 'awkward' for me to go there really although I have offered...he doesnt want me to though as we'd have to get a b&b or something.

Im not expecting him to spend money he hasnt got but when he's getting a hire car to come down when he doesnt really need to its obvious we could have gone out but he chooses his toys instead, thats what annoys me...plus I have always told him that I will pay for myself aslong as he pays for himself too.

MeerkatsUnite, you are right, I do need to learn self confidence...I think that's what causes 99% of my trouble.

mazzystar, I agree, when he got that phone (the latest one) he said that he'd told the woman in the shop that I would go mad...I told him then and there that what he spends his money on is his business, its him that's getting into trouble for it because at the end of the day, there is no way he will be moving in with me with a load of debt, therefore it doesnt really effect me.

What gets me is the way he comes down here and is quite content to just sit and watch tv for the whole weekend, 99% of the time we cant even go out for a couple of drinks as he comes down with no money. He stayed with me for 3 weeks once and brought down £40 to last for that time...the first day here he went and bought a console game for £30 leaving him with no money to pay his way whilst staying with me.

Apart from that the relationship is decent and I dont think he is a bad person or that he is doing any of this intentionally...I think he is just so used to his mum 'looking after him' that he expects the same deal when he comes here and doesnt care where his money goes as he knows his mum will always bail him out if he needs her too.

skettle, how old is he? and would you LIKE this relationship to progress further?

he's 25 (same age as me). I would like it to progress but not the way it is at the moment, if he can change the way he is with money and his overall attitude towards life then it would be great but I know its unfair and inpractical to ask someone to do that.

I think his problem is that he is incredibly 'spoilt', his mum does everything for him...last night for instance, after clubbing he phoned her at 2am to go and pick him up and she went! he just seems to think that he is still a child and can do what he wants and everyone else will sort it out.

Skettle-just wanted to say that I am married to someone with a similar attitude to money and it is very difficult. It puts a huge strain on our marriage tbh. We have three dds but he has spent nearly £1000 recently on a home cinema and a new fridge and freezer (not needed) without any consultation. I resent it every time I see these things -oh and the car he paid for with a credit card and loads of other things. Be very careful.

if i were you i definitely wouldn't even consider moving in with someone who had only lived with their mum. he would probably expect his washing done and tea on the table too!

have you been together a long time?

he may be able to change the way he is with money if you explain to him how it makes you feel (and if you are prepared to be a bit tougher with him) - but you have to be realistic - "changing his whole attitude towards life" ain't gonna happen.

Skettle,

Thought he was 25 going on 5. You have two children - you do not need a third. He is a manchild and his mother acts as his enabler. You will end up being his enabler full time if he was to move in with you.

Only he can change his whole attitude towards money - not you or his mother. My guess is he will not change for anyone least of all himself unless he hits rock bottom and no-one is there to bail him out. Ultimately he may not want to be saved from his own demons and you will have to accept that.

I would think that if you managed to conquer your issues re your lack of self confidence/self esteem it will help you immeasureably - and give you the power to kick him to the kerb. Why exactly is your self confidence so low?. You do not want to repeat an ultimately self destructive pattern.