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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fair for him to do this when I might leave?

73 replies

cathkidstonbag · 10/08/2011 08:13

I post on the EA thread as my DH is without a doubt one of these. But I now have an issue that I need to resolve quickly and needs opinions on ...
One of the "sticking points" in our marriage has been DHs refusal to have a vasectomy. Basically I should not have any more children and cannot be sterilised (medical reasons). So this is really the only option (chemical solutions don't suit me either). DHs reasoning has always been that he might want DC "with his second wife". I'll just point out here that he regularly tells me he didn't want the DC we have.
Anyhow for some reason he seems to be on nice mode atm, keen to do anything for me and as such has arranged his consultant appt for the snip for next week and hopes to get it done privately the week after.
Now for all I know this could be a great thing for our marriage, a sign he wants to work at it. But at the moment I'm about 70% sure I want to leave him so it would be very unfair of me to let him go through this and then walk away ... wouldn't it???

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/08/2011 19:40

Windsortides - I'm sorry but I will have to disagree that those scenes are my responsibility. In fact it has taken me weeks of counselling for me to stop feeling responsible for them. How is it my fault if he shouts and criticises me for how I look when we are out in car with DCs. Yes I can tell him to stop, in fact usually it's my DC shouting at him to stop that makes him do so. Maybe I should make more of an effort with my make up or something.
I don't expect you to understand but believe me I and the other ladies on that thread have very difficult situations to deal with. Until you are in that kind of marriage and trying to figure it out it is impossible to understand.

Anyhow thanks for all the advice. DH out tonight so I can sleep on it and work out WTD.

OP posts:
honeyandsalt · 10/08/2011 19:42

I stand by speaking to your GP, using condoms + diaphragm + spermacide (or whatever the GP suggests is right for you) and telling him it is his body and his decision.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 19:47

You are having you hand forced, love, that is for sure

He knows exactly what to do to make you submit to his control

How much more of your mental health are you going to relinquish to him ?

please would you do this, love ?

stand up to him properly and finally in stopping sleeping with him, it makes my blood run cold to think of any woman having sex she does not want

sleeping with the enemy

he is the enemy

I dread to think what damaging lessons your dc are learning, about how people who are supposed to love each other can treat another

babyhammock · 10/08/2011 19:49

its not so much caring what others think (I doubt she gives a toss what he thinks and certainly won't if she leaves)... its about damage limitation. He'll throw enough lies around about her anyway by the sounds of it and so there's no point in 'giving' him any thing he could legitimately try to play the martyr about.

and as she says..its the impact of these things on her children and how he will distort things to them that is the real worry. That's the biggie for me too as I'm going through that right now and its awful.

Bellatrix I know where you are and there is a way out. You're doing absolutely the right thing re the big V. I'd also doubt he'd even made the appointment if I were you as well. You've made your position clear, you can't do much more than that, so don't budge.

Then, as soon as you get a chance do some digging as to where you stand. He's clearly EA so a call to womans aid would probably be really useful in terms of formulating an exit strategy. They will understand your exhaustion. Also quietly see a solicitor to see where you stand re divorce etc. Also start writing things down that he says/does and also how this makes you feel. Its amazing just how much crap you forget when it comes to finally talking about it with someone. At the moment the logistics of leaving seem overwhelming, but the more knowledge you have the smaller the mountain will get xx

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 19:55

Good advice, BH

but I stand by what I say

he will find all sorts of ways to discredit her, all of them will be horrendously unfair, but she cannot stop him

if it wasn't this, it would be something else

what other people think cannot be allowed to factor in to her decision-making process, or she will never end it

she has to garner her RL support and fuck what anyone else says, or stay trapped because of what the neighbours might think

ridiculous when you put it like that

babyhammock · 10/08/2011 20:22

Too true about gathering as much RL support as possible AF. That's the mistake I made. I only let on to my closest 2 friends the real hell that was my life. No one around me had a clue. So when nutty ex broke the occupation order to inform my neighbours the most horrendous made up stuff he could think of about me, I found myself having to explain that he was quite simply a liar, but felt like no one really believed me. Alot of it I could prove but nonetheless very hurtful.

That's just a tiny part of what he's doing to me atm, but it all adds up. But yes I agree that there's nothing much you can do to stop them.. still glad his only option was to make stuff up though IYSWIM. All I meant by damage limitation is not actually 'give' them anything so to speak.. but defo take your point x

garlicbutter · 10/08/2011 20:22

Darling, I haven't read page 2 of your thread because I'm feeling impatient with people who post advice without bothering to understand the dynamics of your abusive marriage. I hope some others feel the same way as me about your dilemma: I would make it absolutely clear to him that his body is his own domain - as yours is your own - and you would never 'force' him to have surgery unwillingly. If he gets the snip, it's his decision and you're not taking any blame or credit for it. Then carry on with your exit plan, morally free of this particular headfuck.

For one thing, this is exactly what any sane woman, in a normal relationship, would say to her sane husband. For another, I doubt whether he's really going to do it. Didn't he tell you vasectomy was a major operation? Bollocks, they send you home straight afterwards! I bet he's thinking he'll pretend to have it done, then spend days moaning about the 'pain' and demanding tea in bed.

90% of vasectomies are reversible (only not if there's scarring to the ducts.)

garlicbutter · 10/08/2011 20:23

Just realised "bollocks" was a particularly apt expletive there ... Wink

Ormirian · 10/08/2011 20:25

Yes it would.

Once you are 70% sure you want to leave, I think you should do so.

FabbyChic · 10/08/2011 21:29

R u married? If so matters not whose name the house is in half of it be yours.

heleninahandcart · 10/08/2011 22:08

He is abusive to you, you don't want sex with him but are doing it as he has worn you down. He now acts like he is doing you a favour with the vasectomy. Pure manipulation. Your DCs are seeing this abuse and getting upset by it defending you. Wrong.

You will leave him anyway at some point. Its just a matter of time and getting the strength to do it somehow. You don't have to have sex, you don't have to go along with this manipulation over the vasectomy that you cannot win. Its a diversion. Make it absolutely clear that you may leave once more if you need to for your own clarity and let him get on with whatever he decides to do.

ThereGoesTheFear · 10/08/2011 22:50

OP you're in a nightmare situation. And I'm not talking about this latest vasectomy drama.

You've made it clear to him you may well leave, you can't force him not to do this. All of this is distracting you from the important work of recovering your self-esteem from the battering it's taken from him over the years, so that you can make your escape.

I second what garlicbutter says about your body/his body. By saying no to sex can you show him you're serious? (And more importantly spare yourself the ordeal.)

And FWIW, you are not being childish, or wanting to be the victim. Sheesh! Windsor that must be the most bizarre thing I've read on here for a long time.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/08/2011 22:02

Update
So his appointment was tonight. He told me at weekend the appt was actually only a Drs one to get a referral, not with consultant as he'd told me. Then he came home saying he wasn't sure he wanted to go through with it as dr had explained it all to him and it sounded really worrying. He then told me that apparently there is a really long waiting list now as he wants to get it done on NHS and only one place in the whole county does them.
(I find this hard to believe tbh)
He then starts making a big deal about how he HAS to do it even thoughts doesn't want to because it's important to me blah blah blah. I reiterated it wasn't to be done for me and he said if I wasn't going to be really grateful he wouldn't do it!!!
His behaviour is becoming increasingly bizarre and unstable so it wouldn't surprise me if he never even went to the Drs.

OP posts:
Doha · 17/08/2011 22:07

You do realise that he talking a lot of rubbish. Vasectomy is done in probably just about every hospital, private and nhs and also done through family planning clinics. The waiting would be at worst under NHS a couple of months.
I think you can take it OP that he didn't really go to see his GP.
Well done on reflecing the responsibility back onto himself.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/08/2011 22:14

I do realise he's talking rubbish. I don't know how stupid he thinks I am. Apparently he just has to phone this clinic himself and they'll give him a date/time for it. No seeing a consultant to discuss it either. My friends DH had this done 2 months ago (in a clinic 10 min drive away) and she had to go with him when he saw the consultant.
Find it hard to believe the system has changed so much since then.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 17/08/2011 22:16

Jeeze how predictble of him... didn't see that load of old bollox coming....not.

yup well handled though and I'm inclined to think that he didn't even go to the docs either.

Are you any closer to an exit plan? x

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 17/08/2011 22:18

If he ever upsets my DC again the way he did at the weekend the exit plan will involve a new patio.
No further forward. Thinking, planning, slowly.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 17/08/2011 22:21

sorry xposted..

It wont have ..he's lying.
Try not to engage with him in this ridiculous conversation as you will just wind up feeling like he thinks you must be some kind of idiot.
Just keep repeating that its up to him, he knows how you feel....blah blah and nod along politely to the rest of the crap he's talking...

Whilst totally believing that you wont' have to listen to this horseshite for toomuch longer... hopefully eh Wink

blissa · 17/08/2011 23:39

I know I am a bit late to this thread bellatrix but your op struck such a chord with me. I split from my dp a year ago but have been reading the EA support thread as we are trying to sort things through but I am confused about things that happened during our relationship.

Almost 3 years ago I was suddenly hospitalised, and found to have a blood condition which means I can no longer take the contraceptive pill. My ex dp refused to consider a vasectomy as he also said that if we split up he could not have children with someone else. He may as well have punched me, to be told the risk to your health doesn't matter, after 12 years together and 3 beautiful dcs.

He did finally agree to it after I got pregnant and had a termination, I vowed then never to go through that again. He did go to the dr and received some paperwork but after an all mighty row he threw it in the bin.

A few months after we split he told me he would go back to the dr and he would go through with it, for me, and also that he didn't want any more dcs with anyone - so why did I have to go through all that? I told him that he musn't do it for me, that it is his decision to make for himself. It has never been mentioned again. I have no doubt that if he had gone through with it (which I very much doubt he would have) that it would have been used against me in the future.

I'm sorry this has turned into a bit of a self indulgent waffle, I've not really talked about it before. Take care

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/08/2011 09:32

blissa - not self indulgent waffle at all. I know exactly what you mean! The EA thread will help you lots :)

The sad thing about all this is that DH could well be telling the truth about how the procedure is done now (don't think he is tho!) but I don't believe him anymore. He lies a lot these days so I have no trust in him.

He's not sure he wants to go through with it this morning because it sounds really complicated - I refused to have a discussion about that. Just reiterated it is his decision to make.

Thankfully he seems to have talked himself out of it.

Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 18/08/2011 10:21

The waiting list can be several months long depending on where you are but saying there is only one clinic in the country carrying out vasectomies on the NHS is rubbish. There is information on NHS vasectomies here.

Whether he was accurately reporting what he was told is, of course, another matter (assuming there really was an appointment).

Ormirian · 18/08/2011 10:32

"only one place in the whole county does them."

Crappety crappety crap!

Dh had his done at the clinic in a GP surgery in our town. Lord bless him! It's not fucking brain surgery!

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/08/2011 10:42

Thanks for the info prh47bridge
ormirian indeed! How stupid does he think I am? :(

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