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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fair for him to do this when I might leave?

73 replies

cathkidstonbag · 10/08/2011 08:13

I post on the EA thread as my DH is without a doubt one of these. But I now have an issue that I need to resolve quickly and needs opinions on ...
One of the "sticking points" in our marriage has been DHs refusal to have a vasectomy. Basically I should not have any more children and cannot be sterilised (medical reasons). So this is really the only option (chemical solutions don't suit me either). DHs reasoning has always been that he might want DC "with his second wife". I'll just point out here that he regularly tells me he didn't want the DC we have.
Anyhow for some reason he seems to be on nice mode atm, keen to do anything for me and as such has arranged his consultant appt for the snip for next week and hopes to get it done privately the week after.
Now for all I know this could be a great thing for our marriage, a sign he wants to work at it. But at the moment I'm about 70% sure I want to leave him so it would be very unfair of me to let him go through this and then walk away ... wouldn't it???

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 10/08/2011 10:34

Wrote all that before seeing your latest post. He sounds a bit like my first wife who once told me that she was never going to let me kiss her again because it made her feel sick - one of many ways she pushed me away. Unfortunately she only accepted that things were wrong and that her "I'm right and you've just got to live with it" approach was destroying the marriage when it was too late and I had already given up.

Condoms are about 98% effective if used correctly but that drops to around 85% with typical usage. Vasectomy is around 99.95% effective.

Whatmeworry · 10/08/2011 10:41

I think if you don't want more sex and/or will leave him you should say so before he gets the snip.

HerHissyness · 10/08/2011 10:43

bella, if we are to be cynical here, then let's approach this from the 'he's being manipulative' angle.

Like all abusive men, they threaten to leave you to reel you back in, this could be the case here, him wanting you to tell him not to do it, then it's your fault it's not done.

I think the best thing is to tell him that even though he's booked this, that you are going to leave, that it's down to him to go through with it or not. That his nicey-nicey behaviour is just that, him behaving, for a while, it's not actually the real him. The real him is the abusive, manipulative, cruel, hurting person. That is the person he is, and that is the person you are leaving.

Let this snip be a catalyst, get the truth out in the open.

Of course, be prepared for his nice phase, as ever, to end at any time. cos it will.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 14:44

Tell him that since you are no longer going to have sex with him anyway, if he has the snip he is doing it for himself

And mean it

The best form of contraception is abstinence

Don't have sex with him. I wouldn't. You don't want to. You don't even like, trust or respect him any more so why do you have sex with him

Would he force himself on you if you you just plain refused ? Confused

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 14:45

and then watch as the nice phase disappears quicker than you can imagine...

babyhammock · 10/08/2011 15:58

yup...and while you're not having to have sex with him and watching this nice phase disntegrate, start planning your exit strategy

Malificence · 10/08/2011 16:23

If he's the bastard you say he is, I'd let him do it and then skip out of the door, but that's just me.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/08/2011 16:43

Thanks all. And to whoever asked about a trial separation, I have suggested that to him. I won't repeat his answer but he's not keen on leaving his house, put it that way!

I do refuse most of the time but sometimes it is easier to give in and sometimes I just want us to work out ok so I agree. It's hard to refuse when you're disorientated from being woken in the middle of the night for it.

I have decided to stay quiet until he goes to the consultant appointment. Tbh I can't see this nice phase lasting a week! Then if he still seems for it I will make him fully aware of how I feel before he goes ahead.

Did love Malifence's suggestion tho :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 17:58

Please stop giving in to sex you do not want

Making someone sleep-deprived by waking them in the night and pestering them until they give in to sex (or give up state secrets) is a well-recognised form of torture

You are living in a version of hell, I am so sorry

Prisoners of war get better treatment than you

windsorTides · 10/08/2011 18:17

You seem to be ceding a lot of the responsibility for your own life and decisons, to your H. Just because he won't leave doesn't mean you can't take the decision to separate. If he pesters you for sex you can say no. You also make it sound like the decision to have a third child was all his, when you presumably also consented to have a child in what was already an unhappy relationship. I think your decision to say nothing until after his appointment is bizarre. Why waste everyone's time? If you have given up on this marriage (and if what you say is true, with good reason) why not take responsibility for that decision and for communicating it? Then he can make his own decisions accordingly.

I also think that if you keep issuing threats to leave someone and then do nothing about it, it's not surprising when he doesn't take you seriously and thinks a few presents and a few weeks of kindness (classic abuser's trick) will talk you round. He's managed to do just that for years after all.

You're coming across as a bit child-like and wanting to be the victim tbh and don't seem to want to take responsibility for your own decisions.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 18:32

I think your decision to keep shtum until after the appt is out of order, actually

is this an NHS consultant ?

aren't resources stretched enough before people waste appts as part of some sort of point-scoring game in dysfunctional relationships ?

if he has no intention of having a vasectomy (or you won't tell him straight that you are onto his manipulation), don't use consultant time that someone else could get true benefit from

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/08/2011 18:39

I have told him I am still not sure we can make this work. I have told him it's really too little too late. It's like talking to a wall, he just seems to think this is the cure to it all. So he does know. And I really don't think he will even go to the appointment tbh. It's all a point scoring exercise. In fact I'm tempted to phone the hospital and check he actually HAS an appointment!
It's private not NHS.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 10/08/2011 18:40

I think the OP is totally exhausted and when you feel this way and the other party refuses to leave, then it is often a case of waiting to see what happens while you find the energy to fight the oncoming war that you know will happen if you do find the courage to finally go... It isn't just the reeling you back in with false promises, its the total drain of all your energy too.

As for just letting him get on with it, Malificence I share your sentiment totally, but OP would be playing right into his hands. Neither she, her family, his family and the bloke in the corner shop would ever hear the end of it. You know he would just revel in how he was the 'injured' party...

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 18:43

my point still stands, even if it's private

and they won't tell you if he has an appt or not, btw

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 18:47

babyhammock...who really cares if she is leaving him ?

he can say what he likes, he will anyway

love, your emotional energy is best used on your mental welfare, not worrying about what he will/will not do and what a bitch he will try to make you look

you won't win no matter what you do

unless of course you separate from him, permanently....then you will mataphorically win the fucking lottery

why are you still thinking there may be something to salvage...I don't get it

you don't like him...and he certainly hates you

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 18:47

metaphorically

babyhammock · 10/08/2011 18:56

I guess because he'll try to get people to side against her and when you're coming out of an EA relationship that kind of distorted crap from some moron who is making your friends question you can make things even harder. And I take the point that they're not real friends if they listen to him but abusers are notoriously manipulative and often try to get as many people as possible on their 'side'. Been there, and far worse than what my psycho ex was saying was that people were believing it.

There isn't anything to salvage...couldn't agree more. But these men are just so exhausting and just leaving even when you absolutely know it isn't going to be ok is so very hard when you're that tired.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/08/2011 19:05

Tired sums it up. Also I can't actually see an easy way out tbh. I have no money, house in his name, he has no intention of leaving. Where exactly am I supposed to go? It's not as easy to just jack it in with 3 DCs in tow.
My friends know the truth and what it's like but I know he will twist it to everyone else. His family, my DCs friends parents. He won't care as long as he looks ok. And I do care about that, not for me but for my DC. I don't want them hurt by people talking about me.

So my options with this really are to tell him to cancel the appointment or reiterate in writing how this won't change things? Oh well that will be the end of the nice phase then!!!

OP posts:
windsorTides · 10/08/2011 19:05

You both sound like you score points off eachother and it doesn't seem to much matter who gets caught in the cross-fire. I was concerned I'd been too harsh with you earlier, so I went to look on the EA thread that you invited us to. There, you were discussing dropping the kids off with him while he was out with his friends and your decision to announce (and then flounce) to the friends that you were having marriage problems, observing that "you could have heard a pin drop".

I'm not surprised.

What a horrible position to put the friends in, quite apart from the cheap shot at your H. And given that you were dropping them there, were the DCs around to see this little bomb detonated in public, I wonder?

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 19:06

then she will be with him forever if she can't break out of this mindset of caring what he, or others, think

if it's not this specific way to bash her, there will be another...and another

I do sympathise, really, it may look like I don't

I lurk on the EA thread occasionally, but never post there as I respect the support you provide each other

but OP has ventured into Relationships with a specific question and I hope she sees the straight-talking advice as not judgemental, but something she will see is totally correct if she could find the strength (if not this time but sometime ) to get away from such a destructive relationship

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 19:07

my last post was in response to BH, distracted by the telly

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 19:09

windsor , it's not really fair to bring information over from another thread that is essentially for people unfortunate enough to be (currently) trapped in these horrendous situations to support each other

windsorTides · 10/08/2011 19:19

Fair enough AnyFucker - and thanks for the heads-up on netiquette.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/08/2011 19:22

Windsortides - thanks for that. No my DC were not around. They have however been around to hear him shout and swear at me. To belittle how I look or act. And I have taken stuff like that from him for years. So yes with the help of a counsellor I am finally standing up to him.
AF I respect your opinion and straight talking! I'm getting there but it's a slow process and now I feel like I'm having my hand forced over this issue. And I would love to believe that he has woken up and smelt the coffee but I am too cynical for that these days.

OP posts:
windsorTides · 10/08/2011 19:28

I apologise for bringing stuff over from the other thread.

But what I said still stands. If your children have witnessed ugly scenes, that was your responsibility too. And I don't think that episode I mentioned is "standing up to him" - again, I feel so sorry for the poor friends.

Likewise, I cannot see how his decision to attend a hospital appointment constitutes you having "your hand forced" in any way.

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