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Relationships

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Original poster

Why do men do this...dissapearing act??

72 replies

Betty79 · 09/08/2011 18:56

Just need a rant and to get this off my chest really. Been dating someone since early June that I met off a dating site (started chatting in may) so not that long. Just seeing each other as and when, had some lovely dates...always got on well, lots in common. Nothing physical happened until a few weeks ago, until then it was just kisses good night. I wasnt really that attracted to him at first and he grew on me really. Anyway to cut a long story short he suggested we have a night out, and as he works early shifts he took the day off. Had a lovely night out and I stayed over at his. This is where things seem to have gone wrong. He started backing off, cancelled next date, then ignored me. So I must admit I sent him a text saying he had suprised me and I didnt think he was like that, as I genuinely didnt.

Anyway after telling him what I thought, he tried to tell me he had just been busy! Which you might say is fair enough, but when someone has been texting you every day since may always making all the first moves and they suddenly cant even be bothered to text you back it doesnt sit right. So we didnt text for a week. I ended up texting him a week later, and he replied saying he used to get accused of all sorts from his ex so just ignores everything now and thats why he ignored me.

So we starting talking again and I suggested we do something for his birthday which was last week. He then invited me to his place, made me dinner and we sat chatting all night, I stayed over again. He went away at weekend and I havent heard from him since! I text him sun to ask if he had a nice weekend, then casually sent another yesterday...nothing...nada??

I just dont get it, how can a man go from spending a lovely evening with someone, telling them how lovely they are, how nice they look to ignoring them? Is it me or is it just weird behaviour. I could understand if we didnt have much in common and conversation had been stale, but it wasnt. Is it just a man thing, or am I missing something?

OP posts:

Original poster

Betty79 · 12/08/2011 16:09

I was going to say the same thing, we aren't all that shallow! I'm not even going to say anything to implying there was something wrong with me or the sex. Maybe there was something he didn't like, either that or he is just a player...got what he wanted and got bored. Either way he isn't the kind of person I would want to know so at least I found out now rather than later.

OP posts:

AnyF · 12/08/2011 16:10

< reckons oleblueeyes belongs in the tiny penis category >

wompoopigeon · 12/08/2011 16:13

I have done a disappearing act after bad sex. And am female.
OP's chap could be doing a disappearing act for any one of a multitude of reasons. But the reason doesn't really matter. OP just needs to dust herself down, walk away and start again, with her dignity intact.

oleblueeyes · 12/08/2011 16:14

Well give us your number AF and I'll do the time honoured tradition of sending you a picture of it.

AnyF · 12/08/2011 16:21

tadpoles · 12/08/2011 17:01

"there could be off putting things such as body odour, hairy nipples, weird vocal noises and moans, farting, fanny too wet or large"

Oh for God's sake!! As though people go along with a little check list so that they can tick all the boxes about the size and shape of someone's anatomy. How ridiculous! If you are so not into someone that you are going to get put off by what are natural bodily functions, you really should not be getting into bed with that person at all.

What happened to the throes of passion - or have all those hideous 'lad's mag's' reduced sex to a sort of tick-box test whereby a woman has to conform to some kind of prescribed identikit ideal.

It is much more likely that the bloke is flakey, has had a few issues with past relationships, and hasn't got the balls (right size hopefully for oldblueeyes) to communicate clearly what he wants and to treat you with the respect you deserve.

'Fanny too wet' - jesus what a load of misogynistic bullshit!

tadpoles · 12/08/2011 17:04

I would disappear on him yourself, OP. Find yourself a handsomer, kinder, wittier companion. I am sure it will not be that difficult!!

anothermum92 · 12/08/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

solidgoldbrass · 12/08/2011 20:02

Actually (and please OP do not think I am ascribing any physical faults or technical ineptitudes to you - AFAIK I haven't shagged you so no idea what you are like in the sack) sometimes having sex with someone does put you off taking things any further with that person. Have those of you whining about 'shallowness' never encountered anyone who looked gorgeous, had a pleasant personality, but kissed like a Dyson? There are all sorts of things that people do when having sex that are fine with some partners and totally off-putting to others, whether that's slobbery kissing, smelling strange, only wanting to do it in one position no matter what, farting between thrusts or giving their genitalia and yours cutesey names...

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 12/08/2011 20:21

Oh god...what happened to spontaneity? Far too many ideals and psychology...he disappeared and it hurts, bloody hurts, no matter how long/short the 'relationship' was, if you have emotions then it hurts.

He's probably a twat, but then nobody knows that for sure. There are a million more like him and maybe a her too, still doesn't stop it hurting OP. Trust me though, it's just your pride...

Wet fannies? Thought blokes loved them...

Citybird · 12/08/2011 21:00

It may be that he was afraid, afraid of intimacy because it would make him vulnerable. He may desire intimacy, but refuses to allow anyone in too close to avoid hurt or fear. A way to avoid the risk is to find something wrong with everybody like OBE does, sexual compatiblity is important but if you find something wrong with everybody then maybe it's you that are the one with the problem. This kind of behaviour is ultimately unfulfilling and no good for self esteem, psychological help required.

myfriendflicka · 13/08/2011 11:01

Absolutely Citybird. one of the most sensible comments I have read on these threads, which can unfortunately often disintegrate into meaningless shallow comments about "he's not that into you", or blame the OP in some way.

Of course nobody should feel they have to be in an LTR if they don't want one, but if you don't want one, be crystal clear right at the beginning, NOT after you have slept with someone or better still, stay away from close relationships altogether if you have a fear of intimacy.

Nancy66 · 13/08/2011 11:28

This behaviour is much more likely with people you meet online too - internet dating is massively weighted in a man's favour - 7 women for every bloke.

He would have been seeing other people as well as you OP.

solidgoldbrass · 13/08/2011 12:03

Hang on MFF: are you really suggesting that once you have had sex with someone you owe them a relationship, even if you didn't enjoy the sex or found their attitude towards it offputting?
No one likes to be dumped, but it's just part of life, you move on. No one is obliged to maintain a relationship they don't want to engage in, whatever the reason.

myfriendflicka · 13/08/2011 14:30

No of course not.
But lots of people piss each other about because they have intimacy issues, rather than just wanting a shag, which they should be straight about.

oleblueeyes · 13/08/2011 17:22

You'd rarely get a shag if you said that's all you were interested in

myfriendflicka · 13/08/2011 17:29

Funnily enough, some people are honest.

Rather than behaving like wankers.

Which is probably what you should stick to.

solidgoldbrass · 13/08/2011 17:53

Intimacy issues? So if you find that someone is simply not sexually compatible with you, you have to put up with it otherwise there's Something Wrong With You?

myfriendflicka · 13/08/2011 18:02

Goodness no!

Some people aren't sexually compatible, some have intimacy issues. Two separate things, usually. With separate solutions, ie a) run away b) get some therapy.

In the OP's case, it sounds like this chap suffers from the later, from what he has said to her. However she should probably not wait around to see if he is going to sort himself out, as it isn't her problem, it sounds as if it's his.

(That last comment was directed at Ole Blue Eyes, not you SGB!)

frazzle26 · 13/08/2011 18:31

Almost the exact same thing happened to me earlier this year OP. I was extremely miffed but realised that he was just a loser. However, I have recently rejoined Plenty of Fish and just today the same guy emailed me and I had the great pleasure of telling him to "piss off!!" Was very funny and satisfying.

I do hope you work things out though but if not then I hope you can move on and look to the future.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 19:29

frazzle, that must have felt good

I love those "karma" moments !

ameliagrey · 13/08/2011 19:42

I think it's a step too far to attribute "intimacy issues" to anyone who runs after they have been to bed with someone.

Maybe they just didn't float their boat?

But for many men ( and maybe some women) it is a conquest issue, which is why it fucks up people's heads: they ( often women) think they have now got a relationship on the go, whereas the guy simply wanted a shag.

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