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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what can i do about his drinking? PLEASE HELP

55 replies

aanons · 08/08/2011 11:05

DH has always had an addictive personality and enjoyed a drink. A few years ago he was falsely accused of something. It took 2 years (due to police incompetancy) to clear his name but in that time he began to drink heavily (hiding half bottles of vodka around the hous and drinking during the days). I eventually managed to get him to go and get some help from the gp. He cut back but didn't stop.
2 years on we have a DS and DC2 is on the way but DH drinking has started to creep up again. He could quite happily drink 12 units of alcohol a night. He has a job now and doesn't drink during the day but does drink every night.
I lost it with him the other night and threatened to leave. He said he knows he is drinking too much but says that we can sort it together (ie he doesn't need to go get help)
He has sgreed to cut back (2/3 cans a night) but I'm not sure if this is enough. Will it just keep creeping up again. I have offereed to go t total with him as I'm not bothereed about drink at all and am obviously not drinking at the moment anyway. but he seems to just want to 'get it undre control' as apposed to stopping. He would not go to aa. I have mentioned hypnotherepy which he's not 100% against.
What can I do? Will cutting back help? His argument is that he's not drinking during the day so he's not an alcoholic.
Help please.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 08/08/2011 12:36

I agree with Belle, about dropping the stick, rather than trying to clean it. It is a true sisyphus labour.

Original poster
aanons · 08/08/2011 12:42

I wish I hadn't written this. I woke up this morning thinking that there was hope for him, for me for our family. Now I think there is none.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 08/08/2011 12:46

There is hope but he has to want to change this...

Why do you feel it has to all come from you? Why can't he take responsibility for his actions? I'm puzzled as to why you think you have to 'fix' this on your own.

colditz · 08/08/2011 13:02

You can't do anything about his drinking, all yuo can do is try to limit the damage is does to you and your children. Addictive personality or not, he'll continue to drink for as long as he wants to.

didyouseewhatshedid · 08/08/2011 13:16

aanons - you say your partner is now drinking 2-3 cans a night? Well, while this might not be healthy, it is not the end of the world.
In typical MN fashion, everybody here is going down the 'he's an alcoholic, it's time for AA road' which, I personally dont think is helpful. Nobody knows where his drinking will go from here - they are just guessing. What we do know is that drink a massively complex issue and labelling somebody on the basis of your post seems a bit silly.
An easier approach to me would be to say to him that, yes, 2-3 cans a night is acceptable if that is what he wants to do. But with the proviso that if things start to escalate again, you will be seeking a separation. Or something similar.

bejeezus · 08/08/2011 13:19

I wish I hadn't written this. I woke up this morning thinking that there was hope for him, for me for our family. Now I think there is none

I can relate to this completely- I didnt tell anyone for YEARS..its like, if you dont say it out loud, it isnt really happening.

But aanons..this IS happening to you. If you hadnt started this thread, it would STILL be happening to you.

IT is MASSIVE, and it is awful and heartbreaking and frustrating. And you have no control over it whatsoever. Which is why it is so so important to get support for yourself. Alanon members will not try to push you into leaving your husband if that is what you are worried about (in fact when I was going, they advocate staying whilst you attend ALanon for 2 years I think, before making any big decisions). There are people there that are in your situation, feeling like you do. And there are people who can help you understand alcoholism and the effect it has on your DH, you and your family

didyouseewhatshedid · 08/08/2011 13:47

bejeezus - you are catastrophising a situation you have limited knowledge of.

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2011 13:55

Do you think he is able to cut back to 2-3 cans a night and stick to that?

Apocalypto · 08/08/2011 14:23

By slow increments someone could quite easily get up to 100 units a week. If he comes home from work and drinks a bottle of wine between 7 and 11 - which is only a glass an hour - that's 45 units right there. Add in a chaser and a bit more at weekends and there you go.

It's not healthy though. Can he stop if he wanted to? I've been through phases of feeling like I was drinking too much in the past and the simplest cure is two weeks on the wagon, after which I didn't feel like drinking again, often for months. Could he do that? The first two weeks are hell but he'll feel a lot better first thing of a morning.

Apocalypto · 08/08/2011 14:25

just to echo Imperial - there is insufficient info in this thread for anyone to determine that the OP's DH is an alcoholic.

Eg if he is 6'4 then you can effectively halve what he drinks for comparison purposes because larger = able to absorb more. Same principle as women's units allowance being less.

didyouseewhatshedid · 08/08/2011 14:29

Sensible advice Apocalypto.

aleene · 08/08/2011 16:04

The OP has stated that he was drinking in the day and hiding bottles around the house. That is just 2 indicators that there is a problem. Drinking heavily every day, no matter what your height or build, is not healthy and a cause for concern. Your liver, for starters, is under strain to do its job.

OP there are no easy answers here. Unfortunately there are threads like this all the time because it is such a common problem. There are many people who can give good advice (Attila, Snorbs) so keep an eye out for them.

Apocalypto · 08/08/2011 16:34

Well my brother used to hide bottles around the house, not because he was a dipso but because his landlady was a Mormon.

Maybe he hides bottles because it's less grief than he gets from the wife?

A 6'4" man would weigh about 15 to 17 stone and proportionately could drink about 30 units a week given that he weighs twice what the average women weighs and she can have 14. 30 units is about 7.5 litres of beer a week which is just under 2 pints a day.

Which is why I say there's not enough info in the thread to say whether he's an alcoholic or not, though enough to be concerned.

aleene · 08/08/2011 16:48

That is my point! People who hide bottles are trying to get less grief, because they know they are drinking too much. They might not want to admit it but they know it. Been there, got the t-shirt. .

muriel76 · 08/08/2011 17:02

It almost does not matter whether he is an alcoholic or not - his drinking is a problem, therefore like any problem it needs to be tackled.

One of the most simple but brilliant things I have read about alcoholics (having grown up with an alcoholic dad) was this: the drinker says they are an alcoholic - in that case they need to tackle it and stop drinking alcohol. The drinker says they are not an alcoholic - that's great, then it won't be a problem for them to give up alcohol then.....

I think you have answered your own question in a way when you state that he drank heavily but then managed to cut back, then he has let it creep up again but has promised to cut back again.....so will it then 'creep back up' again? Yes it probably will I'm afraid. But unless he will engage with dealing with this properly and taking responsibility for what he pours down his throat then there is nothing you can do except take care of yourself and your children.

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2011 18:32

Apocalypto, I don't think the average woman weighs 7.5 - 8.5 stone!

mumsamilitant · 08/08/2011 19:14

Hi Honey,

My mum was an alcoholic for years, it started when she went to work in a pub and probably menopause had a lot to do with it etc. etc. My little sis went to Al-anon, I was SOOOOOO angry and thought the same as you. I don't need to go to this. Walked out of a few meeting I can tell you. Sweetheart it will help. Maybe not yet and maybe he has got in a rut and things will work out, but I'd say just try it, what do you have to lose? Not sure if we need to label things though quite so much as we do these days, maybe he's a bit of a heavy drinker etc. but if YOU don't like it and find it unacceptable you really need to seek a bit of help to understand what YOU want.

buzzsore · 08/08/2011 19:15

It doesn't matter what quantities/what units he's drinking or whether his liver/body can cope with it now, it's whether he is psychologically or physically dependent on alcohol that matters.

If he's willing to try hypnotherapy, then go for it. I've no idea if it would work, but if it's an avenue he wants to try, then why not? At least it's something he's willing to do to tackle his drinking.

Ultimately if he is an alcoholic, the amount he can drink without risking relapse is zero.

FabbyChic · 08/08/2011 19:21

He has to stop completely, and the only way he can do that is with medical intervention, your husband is an alcoholic. Alcoholics cannot only drink a little, they either drink a lot or not at all.

Alcoholics cannot just stop drinking it has to be monitored by a doctor, they also need medication to replenish Vitamin C.

My childrens father is an alcoholic he went cold turkey and just stopped, he ended up in hospital for three weeks, his liver is now damaged for ever and he can never drink again.

He is also now a diabetic due to his drink abuse. He never drank spirits either.

mumsamilitant · 08/08/2011 19:27

Oh and forgot to say that she hasn't had a drink for some 20 years now. It was circumstances etc on her part. She's now 80! People drink for many reasons. It probably doesn't help as you aren't drinking at all. I say this as my ex used to like a drink and when I became preggers I was so against drinking it made him drink more! Sorry for being a bit flippant but sometimes it gets things in a bit of perspective.

bejeezus · 08/08/2011 20:27

didyouseewhatshedid
bejeezus - you are catastrophising a situation you have limited knowledge of

that may be so
equally, you may very well be minimising the situation- which is what OP has been doing in order to cope with it.

this situation may well turn out to be catastrophic for OP, in terms of depriving her of the life plan she believed she had

I wasnt labelling her partner an alcoholic or suggesting AA. I was advocating Al-Anon for OP because for her, her DPs drinking is a problem. He is a problem drinker

How many people do you know thta have a healthy relationship with alcohol that;

  • hide vodka bottles around the house
  • have only stopped drinking during the day, because they now go out to work
  • refuse to stop drinking despite their partner threatening to leave because of drinking

whilst I agree that this is limited knowledge; unfortunately it is enough to know that his drinking is not within 'normal'

didyouseewhatshedid · 08/08/2011 21:00

Why is it that mere mention of the word alcohol in a thread title brings out all the "oh my dp/ex/dad/mum" was an alcoholic posters. So fucking what. We are not talking about them. We are talking about the OP and her partner and I maintain that there not enough info there to start throwing labels about.
Bejeezus - advising AAnon is subjective. If you know anything about this issue you will know that, for all those who it works for there is an equal number whom it doesnt help at all or actually makes worse.

bejeezus · 08/08/2011 21:08

DYSWSD

you are talking about AA- they have questionable success

BUT Al-Anon is a SUPPORT GROUP for people affected by other peoples drinking. There is no success or failure with a support group

Unfortunately, I know more about this issue than I wish I did

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/08/2011 21:46

didyousee, the reason we reference our own experiences is to show that we do have some experience of the subject in question. It's pretty pointless to offer advice based on fuck all experience.

zookeeper · 08/08/2011 22:18

God you are unutterably stupid as well as agressive didyousee Hmm.