WWYD.....Porn again.......

[MeelooMouloo]

Confession first, DH out at friends house, forgotten phone, curiosity got the better of me after it rang twice in quick sucession (was another of his mates, nothing dodgy), looked at his "gallery" & found LOTS of porn.

I know for some women this is no big deal, all men look at it right??? but for me it is a big deal, DH knows it's a big deal, has always known it's a big deal. Happened few months back when found stuff on the shared laptop. Explained very directly that I find it offensive, degrading and very upsetting. He made lots of excuses ("mates just send it me" etc), I argued that he could just view it & delete it rather than save it alongside photos of the DC.

I have very low self esteem & pretty serious body issues all of which he is aware and which have become worse since having DC3. Receiving counselling as a couple at the moment which is looking into some of these things but next session not till the end of the month.

How to I approach DH about this again? Feeling very upset and angry right now, not sure I can be objective, just want to tell him piss off & take his fucking big titted, size 6 women with him.

I know it's unfashionable to say this, now we're all empowered and that, but it is possible that the culture that objectifies our bodies in porn is the same culture that leads us to feel inadequate.
Apocalypto @ 17.46 Try reading Sylvia Walby (sp?) on this.

You do realise of course that if his phone has illegal pornographic material stored on it...the shop staff will be obliged to inform the police ?

Some family man, eh ?

Then he's showing exactly where you lie in his priorities, he can't even be arsed to remove it from his phone when he knows that you have it and are taking it into a bloody shop where everyone will be seeing what's on it.

He may as well have written "fuck you" in big letters on your mirror - he just doesn't care, about you, your children, or anyone else but himself.

Meeloo i feel for you, i can remember the hurt and shock whenever i stumbled across exh's porn when doing housework etc (he hid it all over the house including kids bedroom which they found) it broke my heart TBH it was such vile stuff and slowly over time my respect, trust and love for him faded, hope you can work through this and do the right thing for you and your DC

AnyFucker was defo not real rape scene but thats besides the point, the fact that it was "interesting" enough for him to save it to his phone memory card is enough. Lots of "slave women" stuff too, never come across that before. None of it appears to be illegal and glad I got the memory card when only the title showed and none was opened. Have since opened it at home and thats when I found the files. Had specifically asked him if he had deleted it before I took it in, and in fairness to him, all the stuff downloaded in July had gone, this was earlier stuff going back to March. Some was just run of the mill male fantasy crap but some was more hardcore.

Kids aren't allowed to play with his phone but dd is nearly 3 and IT savvy so only takes it to be lying around for her to accidentally access this, she knows how to make my phone play music so is aware of the basics.

I have spoken to him tonight and advised him to check his memory card more closely. He did seem genuine in his insistence that he thought he had deleted it all. He has since done so when I was there. Too little too late maybe. Haven't mentioned that I looked at some of it, still not sure how I want to approach it.

I'm sorry for the long post, can I reassure you that I am not a control freak, for the most part I let my husband please himself so long as he allows me the same priviledge. He reminds me a bit of the selfish kid with the ball, he'll happily play with you for a while then when he has better offer, takes his ball off to play elsewhere but gets angry/pissed when he comes back and finds that we've bought our own ball and carried on without him, iyswim. He would pack the board game away if he was losing.

I know he sounds like a complete shit and in many ways he is, but he can also be the nicest person you've ever met and we have know each other for over 20 yrs so not like we're in the honeymoon period still. Feel that I should be really angry/pissed but can't seem to muster the energy yet. I'm sure it'll come. I'm a firm believer in karma and giving people enough rope to hang themselves by.

What has to happen to tighten the noose though ?

Your kids have to find it ?

He escalates to interactive porn ? Does he have a webcam, btw ? Would that be ok with you ?

Your inaction is very puzzling to me

He has told you all you need to know

At the very best he has a compulsion he puts more store by than the good opinion of his wife

He will lie and lie, showing you as a fool

At worst, you were right the first time, and he is a complete shit

What does the "honeymoon period" bit mean, btw. A shit is a shit.

I do like you AnyFucker, you're so direct :)
I used to be such a confident, arsey bint. Now I'm a blithering idiot.
Have had messy divorce, hindsight taught me that maybe everything wasn't what it seemed that time and although I don't think we would have stayed together in the long term, if I had communicated better it may have been more amicable. Then again, probably not as he is still a bullying shit.

Just crap taste in men perhaps???

You are right

When you get lied to everything isn't as it seemed

That's the whole crux, isn't it

I am really sorry

I will shut up now. You will forgive your husband. The world will carry on turning.

I won't forgive him, not this time, was really disturbed by what I saw today. Gp's have kids on Saturday overnight, was looking forward to first night out in ages but think it may be the "time we ended it" conversation instead.

Just don't trust him anymore, if he lies about this what else has he lied about?

Wasn't meaning to be flippant in my prev post btw AnyFucker, i really do appreciate your directness.

Am not flouncing, and you weren't being flippant.

I meant that I will stop hounding you. I know when I have said enough. It's your life, your choice to make, and your right to make it as you see fit. There are many women who see marriage as some entity in itself that must be worked at and preserved no matter what (which usually means the woman making all the sacrifices and all the compromises, tbh)

I just don't happen to be one of them. In your situation, I would brand my man "defective", "not fit for purpose" and send him back where he came from. But we are not each other.

OK firstly the OP said she doesn't like porn and has forbidden her H to look at any, and expects to be obeyed. Next it's 'DH never had real relationship before he met me, only long term casual on his own terms, this attitude came with him into this relationship and has caused a lot of trouble.' So the OP feels that she, being inclined towards heteromonogamy, is better than the H who is not, which is undoubtedly going to fuel resentment. So she feels entitled to snoop, because after all she's heteromonogamous and therefore superior to H, who needs to be controlled and policed.

Only Later does she mention that he prefers to spend his free time with his mates and on his hobbies ie is selfish and expects her to do the shitwork. That sense of 'man entitled to do what he likes when he isn't at work while Woman washes socks and cooks dinner' does not come from porn, and it's actually a much bigger part of the problem in a failing relationship than porn, any kind of porn, might be.

I never quite understand why 'snooping' is seen as such a cardinal sin. I confirmed that my dh was having an affair by accessing his emails and it almost took him longer to forgive me for looking than for me to come to terms with the affair. Very weird, and yet the concept that 'doing somethign behind someone else's back' is a bad one seems to appear fairly early and quite strongly in childhood.

Besides which I see that no one picked up the fact that the OP's dh read her diary, which is surely a much bigger invasion of privacy than looking at a few photos carelessly stored on a phone.

Meeloo, I hope you are OK and that you have some real life support. Life sounds fairly shit for you right now, I hope it gets better soon.

She hadn't forbidden him to look merely reasonably asked him not to store any. Actually, she is superior to her H , in just about every way possible, she's a grown up for a start, albeit with rubbish self esteem.

He really doesn't give a shit, about anything, do you really want this for the rest of your life Meeloo?

solidgoldbrass
Sorry but I don't feel I am better than him or that have some right to be superior but do expect him to have some respect for my feelings.

Have been thinking a lot about our relationship these past few days, have come to the conclusion that he has effectively been living a double life, the one with us and the one which allows him to carry on as the single man he was before we got together. I need more commitment from him than I feel he is willing to give. He doesn't want to give up that side of his life. He doesn't take me out and doesn't offer to have the kids so that I can go out. In fact my friends don't even invite me out anymore because they know I will be unable to get someone to have the kids usually. The GP's are only having the kids this weekend because I have asked them to, I have been asking dh if he wants to go out but he has been non commital on this, no doubt waiting to see if he gets a better offer from his mates first.

For me it's time for him to choose, the dual life is no longer acceptable.

I also have to accept that I have facilitated this happening by tolerating things that have made me very unhappy and settling for a marriage that is simply not workable.

MeelooMouloo nothing more to add really but am proud you have come to this decision. It isn't easy I know but you'll feel so free once you've sorted who lives where etc.. good luck

There is nothing wrong with snooping if you are trying to find out the truth from a dishonest partner, in most cases it has saved peoples' sanity and confirmed what they already suspected.

How come it's ok in some peoples' books to have an affair as a way out of a bad relationship, but it's not ok to snoop? - totally fucked up priorities.

You are absolutely right Meeloo - it is time to think of yourself, if the relationship ends, it's his fault for being a crap husband and father.

I am so sorry, Meeloo

It can often be something like this that makes you examine just what exactly you are getting out of a relationship

It looks like very little

he won't even share child care so you can get a break ?

Out of order

he wants things all his own way, all his actions prove that

Meeloo your 9.26 post this morning reminds me of myself a year ago and the conclusion I came to it is a bitter/ sweet decision to arrive at, and you sound like you know what you have to do, my advice if you do end the marriage is do some research get advice on finances speak to a solicitor that deals with family law put some money aside if you can explore the option of legal aid lean on family and friends post on here there is some great advice it's not easy but thee are many of us that have had to do it and you do survive, of course I may be jumping ahead here so apologies if I am, but you aren't on your own, take care x