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Original poster

WWYD.....Porn again.......

119 replies

MeelooMouloo · 06/08/2011 23:07

Confession first, DH out at friends house, forgotten phone, curiosity got the better of me after it rang twice in quick sucession (was another of his mates, nothing dodgy), looked at his "gallery" & found LOTS of porn.

I know for some women this is no big deal, all men look at it right??? but for me it is a big deal, DH knows it's a big deal, has always known it's a big deal. Happened few months back when found stuff on the shared laptop. Explained very directly that I find it offensive, degrading and very upsetting. He made lots of excuses ("mates just send it me" etc), I argued that he could just view it & delete it rather than save it alongside photos of the DC.

I have very low self esteem & pretty serious body issues all of which he is aware and which have become worse since having DC3. Receiving counselling as a couple at the moment which is looking into some of these things but next session not till the end of the month.

How to I approach DH about this again? Feeling very upset and angry right now, not sure I can be objective, just want to tell him piss off & take his fucking big titted, size 6 women with him.

OP posts:
FiitedWithSense · 07/08/2011 14:05

'the' key point

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 14:08

Fiited my own personal view is that porn can be very damaging, that is my experience of it and yes all that I've read on it says that research supports my feelings on it Sad

didyouseewhatshedid · 07/08/2011 14:21

The most striking thing about this thread is that it is the OP who has issues rather than her partner. If she has such hang-ups about herself and feels she can only work through them with a counseller, then so be it. Using her partner as a scapegoat for these hang-ups - just for having a few dirty pics on his phone for god's sake - will help nobody. FWIW, if I were in the husband's shoes I would tell the OP that, yes, I like to look at porn now and again and if you don't like it then go find yourself another partner.

bananasplitz · 07/08/2011 14:27

its on his phone

its private

its not for you to look at

do you want to micromanage his entire life, or just what he can and cant look at in private

DariusVassell · 07/08/2011 15:16

"FWIW, if I were in the husband's shoes I would tell the OP that, yes, I like to look at porn now and again and if you don't like it then go find yourself another partner."

It would be utterly brilliant if porn users did this - and better still if their partners said "off you fuck, then....."

But they don't do they? They keep it secret - this thing that "harms no-one" and is trivialised on this thread to "a few dirty pics". This thing that either is or isn't an addiction, but is causing harm to their relationships and distress to their partners. No, it remains hidden and a secret, because that is the additional kick it provides; the feeling of having one over, on someone you're meant to love and respect. I'm always amazed when more people don't get this, or wonder why if porn use is something that is tame and easy to control, it isn't easier to ditch, if it's causing so many problems in a relationship.

A good adult relationship is one where people's choices aren't hidden, where people's lives aren't being controlled by secrecy.

If someone has a porn habit that they won't give up, then it's incumbent on that person to be honest about it, so that the people in their lives can elect to put up with, it or vote with their feet.

didyouseewhatshedid · 07/08/2011 15:27

Lot of assumptions there, Darious.

Malificence · 07/08/2011 15:55

Same old depressing arguments from the porn apologists I see - it's such a lie that all men use porn, but if that what it takes to make women who aren't happy that their men use porn feel better, I can see why they tell themselves that.
As for the numpty who helpfully suggested that OP "re-evaluate" why she finds porn offensive - well, words fail me.

Erm, just a wild stab in the dark here but, could it be because a lot of women don't want to be with a man who likes using degrading images of women to get his orgasms? My DH is free to look at whatever imagery he likes but he knows that if he wanted to use nasty porn (because a lot of it is nasty) then I wouldn't ever want him near me again. Thankfully he would rather gouge his eyes out with a spoon than watch porn (of any kind)

didyouseewhatshedid · 07/08/2011 16:00

Thankfully he would rather gouge his eyes out with a spoon than watch porn (of any kind)
Well, that's what he tells you at any rate, Malificence.

Malificence · 07/08/2011 16:06

Yes, my DH of nearly 30 years lies to me about what he does and doesn't like . Hmm
If you can't even give a sensible argument without resorting to childish insults then here, have a free ticket to the far side of fuck off , my treat.

didyouseewhatshedid · 07/08/2011 16:17

Malificence, a lot of men would never ever admit to liking porn. Your husband may or may not be one of them, regardless of of how great a marriage you have or how long you have been married. That's not a childish insult, it's just the blunt truth. If you don't like it, tough titty.

Malificence · 07/08/2011 16:30

But why , when it's so normal and it's just what men do? Hmm

ducati · 07/08/2011 16:31

op, the thing that jumps out at me from your messages is that your dh took a week of, no doubt, his precious annual holiday entitlement when you and dcs are not around so he can do his own thing. I have been known to take the occasional day off work for same reason (to go clothes shopping uninterrupted for example) but a whole week!! That really does say something about his priorities. Are there bigger underlying issues here in your relationship that the porn thing is just a reflection of?? ie he ignores your very genuine distress about things, or he wrapped up in his own world with his own friends and hobbies most of the time??

don't at all mean to sound smug. i have huge marital problems myself, but I have sometimes the thing i was convinced was to blame wasn't actually the main problem at all

solidgoldbrass · 07/08/2011 19:20

The thing is, while he has heard your views about porn, he doesn't agree with them. And he thinks, not all that unreasonably, that actually you are not his owner and you do not have the right to forbid him to look at things he wants to look at, so he is going to be discreet about his viewing and keep it private. After all, you only found it by snooping, didn't you?

susiedaisy · 07/08/2011 20:34

Meeloo you are quite within your right to feel absolutely disgusted with your husbands porn use, the fact that he had to hide it on his phone shows you that it is something he is ashamed of, porn can be very damaging to a relationship and the user can often become addicted to it, it ruined my 18 year marriage, it was like havin a 3rd person in our marriage, sorry i know that alot of people on here are not bothered by porn, but if you have a relationship based on respect and honesty and your partner still goes behind your back to use porn then it can be a dealbreaker, it was for me in the end!!

Malificence · 07/08/2011 21:11

Susiedaisy, that's what people who don't have a problem with porn can't seem to get into their thick heads, the fact that secret porn use is unhealthy and damaging to relationships that are meant to be built on honesty and trust.
For people to suggest that a woman should simply get over it and accept something that is utterly abhorrent to her , is disgusting, not to mention completely unhelpful.
What I can never understand, is why a man would even want to continue using porn when he knows his partner finds it repellant and that she actually loses all respect for him as a man and a supposedly loving partner.

AnyFucker · 07/08/2011 21:27

ok, I hate porn, all my posts will confirm that

but I have a question

with the widespread availability of streamed, live-action porn why would someone need to "save" images on their phone ?

if multiple anal and cumshots are your bag, just tune into YouPorn (or whatever) for your fix...why do you need to revisit "old" images ?

your husband is being hugely disrespectful...do your dc's ever play with his phone, btw ?

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 07/08/2011 21:30

OP. when my H and I were 'together' I found porn on shared PC. I was pissed about this, but not as pissed as he was when I downloaded stuff from PlaygirlGrin

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 07/08/2011 21:40

Oh and the best part was when I upped the ante and left gay male porn on the PC. He was like'why do you want to watch 2 men having sex?' I told him because I was getting 2 pricks for the price of 1, and why did he watch girl on girl sex?

He had no comeback to that one.

You know what they say, if it's good for the goose.....

Plus blokes really hate it when women do the same to them.

maleview70 · 07/08/2011 21:54

I agree with AF. Not sure why he would want to store images when the next image is only 3 seconds away.

Not every man uses porn but many do. Some of their partners will know, some wont.

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 07/08/2011 22:09

Thanks for all the responses. will try answer some of the direct queries.

Yes I have body hang ups like many other women, I'm having counselling for PND but the counsellor thought things went deeper than just me and that relationship counselling would be more beneficial in the long run. There are many other issues in my marriage that would require hours of typing to put across. DH never had real relationship before he met me, only long term casual on his own terms, this attitude came with him into this relationship and has caused a lot of trouble. Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel and have many,many bad habits which I'm having to challenge too. It takes effort on both parts to make a partnership.

AnyFucker I agreed totally with you, I don't think I have the right to dictate what he looks at by himself, he is aware of my attitude towards it and the shit views it protrays and yes it is so easily accessible why store it, not necessary. He may as well be sticking two fingers up and saying "I really don't give a fuck about your feelings". This does not extend the other way, I used to keep a diary where I vented how I felt in order to make sense of the crap I was dealing with when I had PND following DD's birth but he found it and read it and cos it wasn't always nice stuff about him he kicked up merry hell and I stopped writing in it.

Bigger picture for me, I don't agree with the soft porn that passes for music videos, I don't want my daughter exposed to this shit from an early age everywhere you go be it on billboards, televisions in shops etc. not to mention the explicit lyrics which she sings without understanding what they mean (Rihanna/Lady Gaga - their music not to my taste but seems to be on in every damn shop & supermarket). Don't want her growing up thinking sex = love. Weirdly DH AGREES with me on this but doesn't equate what he seens in porn as part of the same culture.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/08/2011 22:20

melee...your DH is either

  1. a bit thick

  2. doesn't give a shit about your feelings

Neither of those are great, tbh. Which do you think it is ?

didyouseewhatshedid · 07/08/2011 22:21

Here's a question: if, say, the OP's partner said, yeh, fair enough, no more porn because it is offensive to my partner, what would happen then? What's the difference between a man looking at porn and a man daydreaming about other women? Surely there is none? My point being that you can be as controlling as you like about your partner - if that's what you feel you need to do - but you can't stop what they think. And, let's face it, that's what all this is about innit: control.

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 07/08/2011 22:30

didyouseewhatshedid
I have no intention of wanting to control my dh, I'm not his mother I'm his wife and part of being in a loving and respectful relationship is that you listen to your partners concerns and when they say "You know what, I really find that distasteful and offensive" perhaps it would be nice if you felt they were listening. He has some serious hang ups about my ex partner which I have done my utmost to allay including compromising the access agreement relating to my eldest son because his feelings were important enough to me to make changes in my life.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/08/2011 22:32

who says women have to put up with men who think it's ok to disrespect their partner's wishes in this way

lets go back to the 1950's shall we, where men get to call all the shots, and women browbeat each other into toeing the party line ?

err... no thanks

I don't fucking want a man like that, and I wouldn't tell any other woman that this is the best she could do, either

didyouseewhatshedid do you condone men lying to women ?

It's quite simple really..OP has been extremely articulate in her response to her partner's porn use. She said no more saved images, they bother me.

he could quite simply have said "right love, I won't save any more images" and he could have done what he promised

instead, he lied and treated her like her opinion was of no consequence

he would have been better to say "well actually, my penchant for saving juicy images of sluts being arse-fucked transcends your good opinion of me"

but he didn't...what he did instead by his actions is to tell her indirectly (thus not giving her the chance to say "actually...fuck you, mate) that he will do what he likes, when he likes, whether it hurts her or not

a quick shufty at YouPorn is obviously not enough for this guy, he has to rub her nose in it

and I will ask again...does OP's dc ever play with his phone ?

chipstick10 · 07/08/2011 22:33

I have a huge problem with porn. Part of it is my BIL went to a seedy lap dancing club and got a blow job from one of the lap dancers. 20 years younger than my sis. She forgave him, i cant. He told her he would never look at porn again (she suspected there was more to it because she found weird random numbers in his phone)but she caught him looking at it again last week. Wtf. My sister is lovely why is he doing it? I dont get men and porn at all.