Lost, confused and trying to find an answer.

[barmybird]

I have changed my name for various reasons so some of you may recognise my situation. I'll be brief.

About 2 months ago I confronted my husband as I believed he was having an affair (I am still sure something was going on, not sure it was physical at that time). We seperated and he spent the next couple of weeks doing as he pleased, staying out all night etc. I was distraught. I started divorce proceedings and moved out into rented accomadation. 3 weeks ago we talked and both felt we needed to be sure we were doing the right thing. He wanted time to think, so for the last 3 weeks he has suppposedly been thinking whilst me and our dd (3) have got on with sorting out our little home. My one proviso was that during this thinking time he didn't see his gf (he had by now admitted that their relationship had progressed to a physical one). However each time I have been back to the house to collect bits and pieces there has been evidence that a woman has stayed there (toiletries etc). I have challenged him about this on each occasion and he has assured me that it is just a female friend who is helping him pack up the house (it has now sold).

Last night we had a long discussion. He apologised for his behaviour and told me he still loves me. He wants to try again. His plan would be that we would live together in the rented house (I am committed here for another 5 months) during this time we would go to relate and try to rebuild our marriage. He would also rearrange his buisiness so that he didn't have to have any contact with his gf.

This is what I have dreamed of, but I am scared. I know the gf is still around (my dd told me!) although he claims they have not slept together for the last 2 weeks. I think he is still lying about some of the details about what has been going on but I can't prove that, its just a gut instinct. I don't know what to do. My rl friends are telling me to pursue the divorce and that he is not going to change, but I do miss him so much and yes I still love him. My dd misses him dreadfully.

What do I do? He tells me I have nothing to loose by trying again and perahps he's right. But I just feel he has behaved with total disrespect for my feelings for the last few weeks and if I take him back now he will think he can talk his way back in no matter how badly he treats me.

Please help, I just don't know what to do.

Have not got much time, but my first gut instinct would be to stay separated while you sort things out, he needs some time alone to prioritise
You sound very organised and calm, which is to your credit, it must be unimaginably hard for you, esp at this tiem of the year.
He may be keeping his options buttered on both sides, he may be hedging the financial side for a bit longer, protect your assets, your ego and your emotions just now. You are right to be suspicious, if he is still seeing her then it is likely that there is something still going on.
Ask for time apart to sort out how you feel too
I'm just writing off top of my head here, hope its ok
Good luck, you are doing really well, keeping it together honey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thankyou. As he has already ignored my request to dump (or at least not see) the gf whilst he thinks I fear that if we lived seperately I would be constantly worried about what he is up to. He needs to show me he can be trusted and I am not sure he can do that if we live apart.

I think I agree with Piff here. I think your second post is very revealing - that you will only be able to trust him if you keep a close eye on his movements - i.e. you can't actually trust him at all, but think you can check up on him far more easily if you live with him. I do feel that if he has still been in contact with his gf he is making very little effort to regain your trust.

Whatever you decide, get legal advice as to financial position on divorce, in case things go downhill.

I have already got a solicitor and I have protected my financial situation so that is all sorted. Its just what do I do with the rest?

You are right I would want him close so that I could keep an eye on him which I know is not a good sign. I just would not trust him on his own, he has lied to me so much over the last few weeks and the gf is still around.

Part of me wants to go and see the gf to see exactly what he is telling her, but how pathetic will I feel having to ask another woman about my husbands sexual exploits!

Poor you. How very very difficult

I do agree with the others about being careful, but I also think you owe it to yourself, your daughter and your marriage to try and make it work. I think there are some very very clear ground rules to lay down; I would insist on a committtmnet to Relate; no contact with GF; and understanding that you are vulnerable and emotionally fragile - so a real and continued committment to show you that he Can be trusted.

If it still dosnt work, or he is unfailthful again or does not meet these criteria thenyou know he is not that committed and can walk away.

But if you dont try I think you will always regret it.

Good luck

This is my fear. I want to be able to look my daughter in the face and tell her I did try. But I am scared. If he is still not telling the whole truth now then what hope do we have for the future? or am I being pedantic pressing for details that I actually don't need (I know hes been unfaithful does it really matter when it started?)

I dont know if it matters. I DO think honesty matters. Without honesty there can be no trust, and without trust no meaningful relationship. But do you need to know all the details now ? will it make you feel better ? willl it help you to trust him again if you know exactly how monstrously he has lied to ypou and abused you love and trust ? I think one of the purposes of going to Relate is to dela with these questions and also the really really tricky ones about WHY this happened - and he and you will have to be prepared to face some horrible truths. I dont think for one moment that by agreeing to TRY and save your marriage it will be easy or that you will definitely succeed - perhaps the odds are about 50/50 - but if you dont try then its definitely over . Thre are many contributors here who have survived an infidelity, but many who habv unfortunately not.

Im not sure what Im tying to say with this ramble - only that you are not alone! and we are here to support you

i dont think he should move in with you until its sorted, looks to me like because the house has sold he has nowhere to live and buttering you up means he doesnt have to make an effort plus he gets to do as he pleases with you picking up n cleaning for him (dont kno if thats true just my impression) also i think it would be unfair on your dd if he moves in and it doesnt work out, you have got a fresh start in your home where you can build a new life, while you are trying to sort your marriage, infact i think theres a better chance of it working if you dont live together for now as you could also "date" him aswell as get counselling maybe then you will remember why you fell in love in the first place without the daily life getting in the way?

Thanks both. I've just been talking to a friend and I seem to have reached a decision (not sure he'll agree with it!) I will put the divorce on hold, but:

1. He dumps the gf
2. He finds alternative accomadation
3. We spend time together
4. He works damn hard at rebuilding the trust and showing that he is worth having
5. We go to relate and he takes an active role

Does that sound reasonable?

Yes I think it does sound reasonable for you and your situation. Everyone else deals with these kind of things in their own way.

I myself would not forgive DP if he went with someone else, I grew up with my mother forgiving my father and he just kept doing it to her and as a result she has never met anyone else since she dumped when my last sister was born (she is now 21), she just could not trust men and now hates them as a result. I know some people do change but with my experience of men I believe that if they do it once they will do it again.

I think you have everything to lose TBH,I mean it was obviously very painful splitting up to begin with,and I can imagine you are not over it yet,but moving into your own home with your daughter you have done the hardest part.Seems to me he expects you to just drop all your plans and start again.Can he promise he wont go back to his GF or go off with someone else,IMO something must have been wrong to begin with for him to go off with someone else,getting back with him at the moment is too risky and is just messing your daughter around.If you want to try again with him,I suggest you stay seperated,and let him come to see you and your daughter in your home but he goes to his home at the end of the day,and then if you get on after a few months then great,but I certainly wouldnt drop everything just because he has had a change of heart.

Sorry just read that you are doing just that,well done!!

Just spoken to him. Hes reluctantly agreed to my plan. He seemed to think that I can just switch back on the trust, I have reiterated that this could take months and he will have to work at it. We will see but I agree my main concern is my dd and to protect her from anymore upset. This I think is the best way to do it.

You need to take a step back from this for a while.

He has been having an affair and lying to you about it.
He spent 3 weeks on his own doing as he pleased - did he help you with your dd at all during this time?
He has refused to sever all contact with his lover (does he actually call her his girlfriend?)
His lover has met your dd.
His lover has been using your home (unless you buy his story about a 'female friend' helping him!).
He has lied to you about every aspect of his lover.

Now, if one of your friends presented you with this scenario what would you tell them?

It seems to me that he wants to get back together with you, but he wants to keep his gf on the side, perhaps just in case things don't work out between you both. What loving husband and father would do this?

I agree with your plan, but you need to be very firm and under no illusions as to the way he has treated you and possibly could treat you again. He has shown complete disrespect for both you and your dd, and so has his gf. By all means go to relate, but DO NOT let him move back in. I would not trust this man as far as I could spit him. From the way he is acting, he obviously carries no remorse and is only acting in his own best interests.

Do what is best for you and your dd. Don't put up with this kind of treatment, you deserve better.

As for your dd, she'll have a lot more respect for you if you stand up to him, than she would if you let him walk all over you.

I am under no illusions that he has treated me very badly (and I have allowed him to). I have been firm with him this morning and told him that his gf needs to go today. He has promised this will happen. I will wait and see, I know he could lie about this but if he does I will find out eventually and I will simply reinstigate the divorce proceedings at that time knowing I have done all I can to save this. I may be setting myself up for another disappointment but if I don't try I will always wonder.

My brother left his wife and kids last year to move into a house with his girlfriend. It didn't work out so he moved back in with his wife, only he didn't drop the g/f and still hasn't done I don't think! His wife knows all about it but puts up with it, I don't know why, I think she is low in confidence and can't imagine what else she could do, she's been with him since she was 17. They have 3 girls and none of those girls have much respect for their parents now. I think it would have been better if she had left him, whereas now they are adolescents and think that cheating comes all part and parcel of having a relationship. The eldest goes from boy to boy sometimes overlapping.

Be strong. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. Hope you can make it through.

I dont know if it is of any use, but i was watching R&J one night this week and the topic was amicable splits and how long to seperate before giving it a nother go.

They said that during a split of unfaithfulness or along them lines, you should stay clear of each other for 60 days and then reconsider the facts!!

In that time, you yourself will have a better outward prospective and it also give your Dp time to reveal his true colours as of to whether it is financial or because he does genuinely want to be with you!!

I think your idea is good, but just saying this so you maybe dont set your self up for a fall after you have come so far and sorted things out on your own.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Butty.xxx

Does everyone think I'm mad for even thinking about this? Have I lost track with reality?

I do know that he is likely to go back to what he was doing either with this gf or another. But I just feel like if I don't try I will always wonder 'what if'. I'm not commiting myself to anything which can't be undone. If we sort this out then great if we don't I have more heartbreak coming and some tough decisions to make. Those tough decisions were going to come anyway as my rental is up in May.

Yeah but that means that for 60 days he gets to live like a batchelor again whilst she lives like a single-mum!

Let this song by Beautiful South guide you!

I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little...

Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little...

You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise - fear the worst
Tongue so sharp - the bubble burst
Just into unjust

I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little...

You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

Oh god. Perhaps I should just cut my losses. Why put myself through more upset for someone who has lied so convincingly. Life is such a mess.

Personally, an affair is the only thing that I would end my marriage for. From what you have said about your dh, he hasn't even said sorry, am I right?
Therefore I really don't think it is a case of 'if' he sees her again, but 'when'. I mean, you say that he 'reluctantly' agreed to stop seeing her, does he want to make a go of his marriage or what? Does he see that what he is doing is wrong at all?

You have made a nice little home for you and dd. Whilst he was with her, you didn't think you would have him back anyway. You've made the most important step, you've already left him.

If my dh did this and wanted me back, firstly he would have to show a lot of REMORSE, he would need to lick my arse daily and prove that he was sorry, he would need to earn his trust again. If he had the attitude that your dh has, he wouldn't be coming anywhere near me.

But this is me, I am not you. Only you know where you limits lie, and you know your dh better than any of us, you know if he is worth it or not.

But whatever you decide, Mumsnet is full of support for you.

lifes too short to be miserable go and make yourself happy, you have given him too much already but if it makes you happy to keep giving then go with your plan but if not then i suggest you find a new plan hun.

in all of my past relationships i have given until i have nothing left to give and im at rock bottom i will never do that again, the relationship im in now means i dont have to and i intend for it to stay that way i really hope you find happiness soon!

well suckingeggsinhell,

you have certainly made a good point from what is one of my all time fave songs

I watched my mum stay with my dad for years although he was a cheatin so and so, and not to talk ill of the dead of which my dad is, god love him.

When i was 17 i had a frien lets call her JB, she often came round to my house and we would go out together and maybe meet my dad and his mates a bit later on.
Well to cut a long story short, my dad had an affair with JB, as i know coz i caught them in my house when my mum was on nights.
I threatened him to finish it or i would tell my mum!!!!
As far as i knew he had ended it and my mum was none the wiser, but just after i had chloe, i saw JB in town and she was heavily pregnant!!!!!!
It was my dad's baby!!!!!!!!
I had to tell my mum and they did finish, but when my dad was Dx'ed with cancer, they agreed to give it another go as they really did love each other, just got together and had kids at a very young age!!!!!!!!!
i dont suppose their is a moral to my story, other than youd be better off on your own if he cant tell you the truth although you have offered to give him a chance.
And as for me, i see my 4 year old sister and JB everyday as the bitch has put her in smae school as chloe and is a year below her
oh well such as life, but i dont talk to my sis as younger than my daughter and her mum is a vindictive so and so!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck,

Butty.xxx

He has apologised yes and his reluctance was around the timescale really and how long we would go on trying for. There was no reluctance expressed about dumping the gf (my phrase not his).

I am 50/50 about my plan.