Lost, confused and trying to find an answer.

[barmybird]

I have changed my name for various reasons so some of you may recognise my situation. I'll be brief.

About 2 months ago I confronted my husband as I believed he was having an affair (I am still sure something was going on, not sure it was physical at that time). We seperated and he spent the next couple of weeks doing as he pleased, staying out all night etc. I was distraught. I started divorce proceedings and moved out into rented accomadation. 3 weeks ago we talked and both felt we needed to be sure we were doing the right thing. He wanted time to think, so for the last 3 weeks he has suppposedly been thinking whilst me and our dd (3) have got on with sorting out our little home. My one proviso was that during this thinking time he didn't see his gf (he had by now admitted that their relationship had progressed to a physical one). However each time I have been back to the house to collect bits and pieces there has been evidence that a woman has stayed there (toiletries etc). I have challenged him about this on each occasion and he has assured me that it is just a female friend who is helping him pack up the house (it has now sold).

Last night we had a long discussion. He apologised for his behaviour and told me he still loves me. He wants to try again. His plan would be that we would live together in the rented house (I am committed here for another 5 months) during this time we would go to relate and try to rebuild our marriage. He would also rearrange his buisiness so that he didn't have to have any contact with his gf.

This is what I have dreamed of, but I am scared. I know the gf is still around (my dd told me!) although he claims they have not slept together for the last 2 weeks. I think he is still lying about some of the details about what has been going on but I can't prove that, its just a gut instinct. I don't know what to do. My rl friends are telling me to pursue the divorce and that he is not going to change, but I do miss him so much and yes I still love him. My dd misses him dreadfully.

What do I do? He tells me I have nothing to loose by trying again and perahps he's right. But I just feel he has behaved with total disrespect for my feelings for the last few weeks and if I take him back now he will think he can talk his way back in no matter how badly he treats me.

Please help, I just don't know what to do.

I think that you call the shots from now on. Take your time. Insist that you go to Relate together. He should be trying to make up to you big time.

I'm trying to sort relate out today.

I will be continuing my new life whilst husband tries to re-establish trust. I have no intention of waiting around for him. I have started counselling to look at my own needs and to try and build up my self esteem so hope I will only get stronger.

Good for you! You're a pretty strong person you know! I wish you the very best, I really do!

barmybird,
i'm so sorry you are going through this pain and torment- that's exactly what it is. I've been there myself about a year and a half ago and unless you've experienced it you can't really know the mental anguish it causes. here is the one oerson in the world whom you truely trust doing what you thought he could never do- cheating on you, decieving you etc
I like others probably would have said in the past- reading your thread- finish it move on. Now having been through it I know it's not so black and white- only you can truely know if there's a chance to save your relationship and if YOU can come to terms with what he's done and then move on.
You don't have to forgive him- some things are unforgivable but you do have to find some peace with it. that will only start when he starts beong honest with you.
My dh had an affair with a work colleague, lied about the extent of the relationship then lied about having no contact with her. Fortunately (for him) most of the truth came out when he "turned the corner" himself- he put himself in counselling and came clean with all the gorey details. About this time last year I was agonising do I end this now or is there a chance for us. BBy that stage because of his more recent actions I decided to keep going and have never regretted it. This only works if he is totally and I mean completely honest with you about what went on and ends ALL contact with this woman.
I cannot help you make your decision- you know your dh and what your relationship was like before. I had to weigh up 20 great years together against a year of madness on his behalf. Now we are closer and strobger but still working though this. I wish you every luck in finding your way- like you I sought counselling just for me ( not knowing where it was going to end)it kept me sane, it gave me strength it made me be stong enough for both of us and now he is so thankful that I didn't do what I had every right to do- send him packing!
Take care- keep talking.

Well ladies he answered my question for me. I did decide to give it a go and set out my ground rules, which he agreed to. We had a lovely day together as a family on Saturday, I went back to my own house with dd and rang him later, there was no response and his mobile was switched off. To cut a long story short I went to his house at 6:30 Sunday morning and caught him still in bed with the gf he said he had dumped!

I am now filing for divorce. I can at least say I tried unlike him!

Oh god. FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing with the divorce now. I do think people can make a second chance work and save their relationship, but not in every case. It sounds like you H wanted the 'best' of both worlds and would have continued to string you along for as long as he could get away with it.

I am so sorry, What an @rsewipe.

And yes, you can say you tried unlike him!!!

Onwards and upwards,

Oh you poor thing, what an arse.
In some ways this does make your life easier though-- you don't have to feel sorry for him or wonder if you should give it another go.
You can concentrate on you and your child/children and move on with your life.
Good luch

I mean luck

bb he has to regain your trust, that is the most important thing
would it help if he confronted g/f in front of you either via phone or face to face to tell her it is over
I think that would be a start

Do you think you could trust his infedelity in the long term
or do you think you will resent him for him

If you think you can salvage this relationship I would go for it, but dont let him take you for a dickhead
good luck in whatever you decide
xxx

So sorry to hear this. But look on this now as a new beginning, work towards building a better life for you and your dd. At least you didn't put loads of effort into getting back with him, you have found out relatively early on that he is not to be trusted.

Give yourself time to grieve for this relationship, go easy on yourself, but also make plans for the future, for your new life. It might seem very bad now, but 6 months from now who knows where you will be, everything changes, and you might be in a much better position in 6 months than you imagine. I hope so.

I hope both he and GF were suitably embarrassed....What on earth has he said to you now ?

so sorry barmybird didnt read all the thread

at least you know where you stand now
and can get on with building a better life for you and your dd
good luck
and it does get better, believe me
xxx

Oh arc, would you believe he tried to tell me nothing had happened, that she had stayed over because she had too much to drink!!!

I feel like I have been manouvered into a position were I had to end the relationship, perhaps because he hadn't got the balls to do it himself? Either way divorce him I must!

Its hard at the moment especially with christmas coming, but I keep telling myself it will be a new year soon and next year has to be better than this!

Keep a blog. Might be useful to show your solicitors during the divorce, and if your kids ask why in a few years and you deem it suitable, you can let them read it.

Sorry, your daughter that is.

To be honest the divorce settlement (financial) is sorted really so hopefully things should be quick and clean. Hes willing to admit to adultery!!!

I am keeping a diary though partly for me now but partly for the future so that I can talk to my dd about what really went on (if I have to). Just got to work out what to say to dd now, my counsellor says I should start and tell her that mummy and daddy are not going to be living together but that we still love her. So I guess I will have to be brave and deal with this later.

I would keep it simple, she's not likely to understand much at the age of 3 is she? You've already moved out, so I would just tell her that daddy and mummy live in different houses, so she will have 2 bedrooms, and won't that be exciting! Dwell on the positives so that your dd doesn't get anxious. If she isn't questioning your love for her, then saying "but we still love you" will only confuse her, why wouldn't you love her? She'll be very adaptable at this age. The questions will come later, when she starts school.

BBird- so sorry he turned out to be a complete lying B***d even when given a chance he didn't deserve.
I'm really glad you are getting counselling for you it will help you work out any negative feelings about yourself (not that you should have any- you've done nothing wrong, but having been there I know how it feels)You sound strong and so focused on your daughter- enjoy her and keep getting strong from that.
Beware he may try to crawl back tail between his legs- when he sees how much you can get on without him.
Wishing you every success in your new life. take care.

Thanks both. I do feel ok today, I'm sure low days will come but as I say its a new year soon and things can only get better.

Thanks for the davice re:dd which sounds very sensible. I'll start talking to her about it as and when she starts asking questions.