things in past relationships that, in retrospect were red flags

[rainbowtoenails]

Thought I'd start a kind of 'preventative' thread rather than all the 'after the horse has bolted' threads that dominate this section

Ive had had a couple of bad relationships in the past. I wish now I'd recognised these bad signs at the time.
-jealousy at seeing me talking to another man
-a shove
-1 slap
-lying about number of expartners
-penny pinching
-general intolerance of other people
-not coming to ultrasound

The ones that are not easy to spot can also be seen as "good" things, as Peppa says. ("Oh, look how much he loves me!"... the possessive, controlling freak.)

And the truly horrible ones are dosed just right: counterbalanced by plenty of positive actions and words, and always just under the victim's own personal threshold of what is unacceptable. And that threshold is always being pushed further and further up by the abuser.

'I'm not going to marry you, you know...' Oh.

Yes! I didn't see the sudden moving-in as a bad sign at all. My exes before him had been a bit aloof so his keeness seemed like a rare gem to find in a man.

I've just thought of another which is straight out of any of those NPD sites - quite early on he told me "his deepest darkest secret" which was that once he beat up a guy who had made moves on a girl he liked, and left him for dead and to this day doesn't know what happened.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??

My ex was always cool, calm and collected in public. It was only when we were alone that he became angry, violent and abusive. It was like living with 2 different people.

• Getting overly upset when I turned down sex and wailing "I suppose you're going to leave me now."

- Telling me my parents had told him how happy they were that we'd got together (they hadn't) and that my sister had asked him when he would ask me to marry him (she hadn't). - He hit my cat when she jumped on his lap and did the kneading thing cats do. - A friend told me his ex-gf had told her he had raped her. - After we had split up and I stupidly remained friends with him for a while, he tried to get me back by saying he had a pain in his balls and would I mind just having a look to see if I could see anything wrong?

(All the same guy.)

My goodness, these men sound awful. You poor ladies, thank god you got rid of them.

This thread has made me so grateful for my lovely DH who is putting up with me at the moment (30 weeks pregnant with toddler and hormonal, tearful, grumpy, exhausted and totally gone off sex. DH has been a saint). I must make an effort to be nice to him sometimes.

Does anyone know men like these end up so messed up and horrible? I think this is a DS we are expecting (have DD already). I dread raising a man like this!

I have no idea Bumpsa, I would blame his childhood but his brother is completely normal...

Ooh, this'll be therapeutic! Thanks, Bertie :)
Blowing the dust off the memory bank ...

XH#1:
~ Had a mother who "couldn't live without" her son.
~ Frequently denigrated other women's appearance.
~ Enthusiastically suggested what I should wear.
~ Turned up unannounced, with weird excuses.
~ Often stole small things (we were students, so this didn't register as it should.)
~ Got into fights (ditto.)
~ Lied to make himself seem more interesting.
~ Invited a girl I didn't know to my party, she thought it was a date!
~ Was found in a nearly-compromising position with my sister.
~ Showed me how to give a blow job - while holding my head down.
~ Read my diary.
~ Talked non-stop about himself.

Surprise, surprise, he turned out to be a violent, unfaithful, vain control freak who expected to be waited on. We seemed compatible because we were both in love with him!

XH#2:
~ Had a mother who "doesn't do feelings".
~ Had a history of theft/con jobs.
~ Had used prostitutes more than once.
~ Raged in front of me - and at me, quite early on.
~ Was never quite sure if we were a couple.
~ Turned up unannounced, with weird excuses.
~ Used sexist language and was dismissive of women.
~ Would go missing.
~ Borrowed money from the beginning.
~ Was vague about past events and relationships.
~ Previous break-up had been dramatic - on his part.
~ His drunk personality was totally different from the sober one.

Surprise, surprise, he turned out to be a dishonest, unfaithful control freak who played non-stop mind games. We never did seem compatible, I've no idea why I married him!

I'm astonished that I let such bright red flags pass. I do know why I did, but I'd be off at the first fluttering now! My improved common sense & awareness is very much thanks to Mumsnet.

I'm not the OP, garlicnutter (or are you thanking me for something else?)

Going to add my tuppence - isn't hindsight a wonderful thing.....

Was v tight with money from the first date

Pressured me into sleeping with him on first date (succeeded bar the penetration)

Told me he once punched a stranger (female) because she wouldn't stop 'hassling' him - alarm bells were ringing very loudly at that one but I quashed them.

Didn't like what I wore, hairstyle, make-up

Played little boy lost

Smoked weed (I've always been very anti that stuff but felt childish and uptight to protest)

Constantly glued to games console including our very first new years eve together.

Uncommunicative, negative, blaming, whiney

Heavily into porn

I was convinced i could 'help' him and 'fix' him under the love of a good woman theory

Don't you just wish we had MN when these tossers were around? I do. It would be such a different relationship, as in it would never have happened. Some of these are so painful to read, in a selfish way, as they remind me of one ex in particular (the mind f*ck type rather than the fists type). What sad pathetic men there are out there. But also some great ones

I have been paying attention on here and have just ended a new relationship because:

His ex wife is "deranged" and all his ex girlfriends are "nutters" and I am a "loony" and "barking"

He has no contact with his three DC

He has no friends

He doesn't see his parents or sister

He won't discuss anything to do with "us" just sticks to technical talk about our hobby.

He does the "future faking" thing building castles in the air and talking about "soul mates" and being together when we are ninety, but won't commit to next week.

And many more wierd things to do with porn use and sex

Anyway I have binned him after some good advice on here and won't be going there again!

Oh LittleHouse I am glad to hear you found the strength to bin that one. From what I read from your other threads about this one I found myself thinking 'nope, nowhere near good enough for her'

I'm just a coward who couldn't say so before, sorry!

Really glad to hear you're realising you're real worth - that one doesn't sound worthy to wash the net curtains on your lovely little house of your own (remembering your previous recounting of your 'little' house :)

Mmmh, too many uses of the word 'house' in that post. Sorry, shit day at work and overuse of newly purchased box of wine :)

Mean every word though!!!!!!

I've never had a really awful one, but one particular boyfriend had this obsession with everything we did together being a surprise. It started to wind me up, but I couldn't express adequately how I felt without seeming unromantic and ungrateful.
He was always "whisking me away" somewhere when I had plans to do other things, and would never let me help plan any of the nights out or weekends away with him. He was undermining my autonomy, but most people didn't see it like that.
He turned out to be jealous, mistrustful of all my friends and deeply childish. Childishness can be another red flag that's hard to justify to others, or yourself.

I have nothing on some of these nutters, but did have a bf donkeys years ago who I knew had suffered at the hands of his father. I could forgive him that - a bit naive maybe - but he never laid a finger on me.

He used to turn purple when wound up, clenched fists and all. It was like the default position was to hit me something, but I said to him - "you touch me, I am out the door"

He didn;t want me going out with friends and sulked for hours if I went to see my family - he never once came with me.

He made a big thing of his little brother coming to stay - to escape his evil bastard dad - and the 2 of them would sit in their pants all weekend and play computer games.

He got depressed and sat round the house for months in his pants playing computer games.

I worked with him for several months, and one night I was laughing on the phone with someone in the other office. I had to take paperwork over there about 2am (customs clearance stuff). I went out to the car and all of a sudden he was there, telling me that he had had an awful premonition that I would die in a n accident driving over there, and begging me not to go.

This put the fear of god up me, he was so frantic. And tonight, is the first time that it occurred to me that he did this totally on purpose.

LittleHouse I'm so glad to hear that.

Aggressive driving - yes, forgot about that one

Oh yeah, I'd totally forgotten the refusing to socialise with my friends or family. Very common trait in these nutters, from what I've gleaned on MN.

I've got a fair few. some mentioned already:

• Persistent lying about anything and everything.
• False promises of change in the way he treats me.
• Not being able to respect "no" as an answer. Either sulks, turns aggressive or talks in a threatening way when he doesn't get his own way
• Thinks he's entitled to anything from you, time, money and sex.
• Very possessive and clingy.
• Controlling and intrusive. Wants to know when you finish work, wants to know what time you're catching the train, wants to know where you'll be at x time and whether x, y and z are going to be there etc.
• Turns up unexpectedly, uninvited and unwelcome!
• Criticizes everything and everyone that is close to your heart. Probably out of jealousy.
• Insults your appearance, your interests etc.
• Contempt and lack of respect for others' opinions.
• Blames others for his "suffering" or bad luck in life.
• Whines about not being able to find a partner who will continue the family line...
• Victim mentality
• Gaslighting, especially about abuse whether it's namecalling or indecent assault. Then when confronted with specific details, he will "vaguely remember" it or "thought it was already resolved". Then revisits it later and turns the story around so that I was the one who invited the abuse.
• Does not have a kind word to say on any of his exes and insists they all hurt him.
• Very secretive but demands to know everything about you.
• Name calling or verbal abuse that he then insist was just a joke.
• Creepy early declarations of love especially using very cliche phrases: "You're the one", You complete me, I have never loved and will never love a woman in the way I love you,
• Inability to respect boundaries and personal space.

I really ought to stop...

A lot of these ring very loud bells with me re xh! So here's my list:

Very poor relationship with his parents
Estranged from most of his friends when we first met but of course it was never his fault
Victim mentality - always someone else's fault, everyone out to get him etc
Anger - towards everything and everyone-physically and verbally aggressive and got wound up at the smallest things
Drugs (used to skin up before he could even get out of bed)
Drink
Porn
Couldn't hold down a job, couldn't hang on to money
Hated my friends, deeply resented having to spend time with any of them
Got into fights
Lied about tiny pointless ridiculous things - once told me lying was his 'default position'
Told me I could 'save him' - like an idiot I believed him

It got worse, of course. But those were the things that were obvious within the first couple of months. I should have trusted my instincts.

Hi Bibi thanks for the kind message, I have read a few of your posts recently and you sound in good shape at the moment too. I have put lots of effort into my lovely "Little House by the river" and it is fabulous. It would have to be a very special man who was worthy to share it with me!

I am actually quite enjoying just being me. A man I was chatting to online earlier said I didn't sound as though I needed anyone, and I took that as a fabulous compliment. He on the other hand admitted he was desperate for someone to save him, support him financially, give him a home and inspire him to sort his life out. That sounds like a big red flag too!

Yeah exactly River - WTF, why can't he support himself and sort his own life out??

The not wanting to socialise thing - XP did that as well, he'd also agree on occasion to go out in a group with my friends, but he'd invite one of his friends and just talk to him all night and ignore my friends, leaving them feeling uncomfortable and me feeling awkward and stuck in the middle.