Pathetic question from a man

[NeuroticMan]

This is a very minor problem (compared to some) that I need to ask, and I?d like to apologise if up front this makes me sound like a pig. I?ve been seeing my girlfriend for about 9 months, and we get on well, we?ve been on holiday, although we don?t live together yet.

I have a problem that is probably related to a deeper problem, namely whether I love my girlfriend. I seem to spend a lot of time looking at other women (not in a lechy way), but rather I?ll be in a coffee shop and see a woman reading a book, and I wonder what it would be like with her, or in the shops, and think a woman has a nice smile, or whatever.

I?ve never been like this before with my ex-partners, I remember my first girlfriend, and not noticing other women for about the first three or four years of our relationship. Fundamentally, it makes me wonder whether I?m really in love with my girlfriend, and if I?m not, I should end it for her to find someone else.

What I confused about is whether I?m just being a neurotic worrier, or whether, I?m just not in love with her, that makes me think this about other woman? Have I just not got my head from a mind-set of being single, to someone in a relationship?

Any thoughts? I apologise again if I?m being a pig.

You know, this thread's making me ever so glad that divorce is available!

Whether you know you've found the One or not, it's always an act of faith isn't it? You try to maximise your chances, then you hold your nose and jump. I think it helps if the two of you have ascertained that you've got compatible expecations and beliefs around long-term relationships, but even that's no guarantee.

It's also worth bearing in mind that the whole monogamy-love-&-marriage palaver simply doesn't work for everyone. It isn;t compulsory. Being single is fine, dating people casually is fine, group sex is fine. Etc. As other people have said, all you really owe your current GF is not to lead her on if she is starting to talk about deeper commitment, and to bear in mind that if she is in her early-to-mid 30s and is thinking about babies, you do need to be honest with her if you're not that bothered so she can decide what she wants to do.

No - not normal to look at other women and imagine being with them, not 9 months into a new relationship. Imagine if you had dcs, were married - it wouldn't go down too well then. Break it gently, but let her go.

My other thought is that you're wondering whether we will all support you in perhaps going the way of threesomes and swinging. Surprisingly nobody has suggested that yet, and that speaks volumes if that's what you're really thinking about of course.

Funny that you and SGB posted in the same minute, Barbie! I was just about to add something similar, too. Non-monogamy must be in the air this tea-time

Ah well someone had to say it! SGB and me aren't usually that in tune though!

I do think a lot of unnecessary misery is caused by this idea that relationships have to 'progress' and that once you've dated someone a few times you have to start thinking about 'where it's going'. What this means is that a lot of people date other people who are perfectly nice, and they date each other some more, and then everyone around starts treating them as a committed couple and one or both gets to the point where they have to either commit or break up when they might in fact have been happy doing neither. And what usually happens is that one is a bit keener than the other, and the less keen one thinks, well s/he is nice, too nice to dump, and after all Gottasettledownsometime. ANd it subsequently all goes horribly wrong, because less keen partner either isn't/wasn't into heteromonogamy in the firstplace or simply wasn't that keen on the other partner.