Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pathetic question from a man

56 replies

NeuroticMan · 01/08/2011 16:34

This is a very minor problem (compared to some) that I need to ask, and I?d like to apologise if up front this makes me sound like a pig. I?ve been seeing my girlfriend for about 9 months, and we get on well, we?ve been on holiday, although we don?t live together yet.

I have a problem that is probably related to a deeper problem, namely whether I love my girlfriend. I seem to spend a lot of time looking at other women (not in a lechy way), but rather I?ll be in a coffee shop and see a woman reading a book, and I wonder what it would be like with her, or in the shops, and think a woman has a nice smile, or whatever.

I?ve never been like this before with my ex-partners, I remember my first girlfriend, and not noticing other women for about the first three or four years of our relationship. Fundamentally, it makes me wonder whether I?m really in love with my girlfriend, and if I?m not, I should end it for her to find someone else.

What I confused about is whether I?m just being a neurotic worrier, or whether, I?m just not in love with her, that makes me think this about other woman? Have I just not got my head from a mind-set of being single, to someone in a relationship?

Any thoughts? I apologise again if I?m being a pig.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 01/08/2011 17:35

Seriously you either like/love her or you don't. Confused

TheCrackFox · 01/08/2011 17:49

You either love her or you don't and only you can possibly know the answer. If you aren't that keen on her then it is best to finish the relationship

Blu · 01/08/2011 18:00

It sounds as if it is a 'good enough for now' relationship.
i.e you get on well, you fancy her, no obvious negative factors.
This can pan out a number of ways - some men (women too if reversed) would carry this on in an exploitative way - get what they can from it until someone better comes along, some might cheat until found out, some might be too afraid of being on their own so keep something 'so so' going rather than be single, some feel guilty because there is nothing that the partner is doing wrong so shrink from finishing and carry on in a sort of guilty confusion.

This last sounds a bit like it migbht you, to be honest.

Do you talk about youre relationship? Is she in love with you? Is she developing dreams and expectations for your future? If so you probably need to be clear that you are not really in it on 'til death us do part' terms at the moment.

Maybe she too has a 'this is fine for now' approach - there's nothing wrong with having someone around who is good company and fun to go on holiday with, as long as emotional investment is equally balanced.

SingOut · 01/08/2011 18:06

Reminds me of this . Hmm

NanettaStocker · 01/08/2011 18:12

I have to ask OP, are you the girlfriend?

Bandwithering · 01/08/2011 18:12

Problem with a 'good enough for now relationship' from a woman's perspective is that if you are in your thirties, without children.... it's a real waste of valuable time. If you have children then it's maybe not such a big deal. maybe it's 'good enough for now' for her too??

tethersend · 01/08/2011 18:17

OP, not thinking about your GF for a moment; don't you think that you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve to be with someone who does that 'thing' to you, and when you look at others you are comparing them to her and they don't even come close?

thesunshinesbrightly · 01/08/2011 23:38

One word...Tosser

moonferret · 01/08/2011 23:49

Ignore thesunshinesbrightly ...that's the best they can do.
The fact is that grass always seems better on the other side. It's always the fantasy side of things that lets you think that the unknown quantity is going to be better in some way.
As a man, unless you're rich, it's unlikely you'll be attracting top end women...let's be honest about this!

jasper · 01/08/2011 23:52

OP, how would you feel if your girlfriend said to you tonight "sorry this just isn't working for me, I want out of the relationship"?

Your reaction to that hypothetical situation might help you sort things out in your headSmile

Original poster
NeuroticMan · 02/08/2011 10:34

I just got back, and read the replies. Thanks for the responses (except for one). It's very confusing, I met my girlfriend last night, and just had a lovely evening, stroll by the river, a drink, back to her place, a wonderful evening. What am I worried about?

I know all the stuff about there's not one person for you, and there's the temptation to be 'idealise' other people you might walk past in the street, and maybe the 'thrill' of making a woman in the street smile. And maybe I just have to change my mindset into having been a single person (for about a year) where looking and flirting was fine, into being a couple person again where looking's ok, but flirting isn't.

The whole question of whether one is in love with someone is difficult, I don't necessarily think it's as easy as some think (you either know or you don't). If the relationship were to end, I'd be very sad.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 02/08/2011 10:48

Would you be very sad or devastated?

warthog · 02/08/2011 10:52

i don't think she's the right one for you.

i had this with my ex-bf. i loved him, but i was always wondering what it would be like with someone else. eventually i met my dh and i've never looked at anyone else since.

Original poster
NeuroticMan · 02/08/2011 10:55

I'd be very sad, I wouldn't be devastated, but then I'm not sure it's that healthy a relationship if I were devastated after nine months.

Warthog, I do wonder if that's the case - if she were right, I wouldn't have these worries, but she's great. Did you really love you ex-bf if you were always wondering?

OP posts:
yoshiLunk · 02/08/2011 10:55

Do you think you have reached a stage where you are asking if it's going anywhere, i.e. do you invest any more time in this relationship or both move on to someone else with whom you spend the rest of your lives with?

Perhaps that's all it is, you are subconsciously checking out other women wondering if this isn't the one maybe she is.

I wouldn't think too hard about it, you enjoy being with your girlfriend, and you would be sad if it ended, - perhaps that's all you need to know for now.

warthog · 02/08/2011 18:44

yes i did neuroticman. i did. and it took me a while to get over him. but i'm so glad i did because i did meet someone more suited to me, who had the same long term aspirations and that i know is the right person for me.

being absolutely honest with yourself, are there any niggles? are there things you wish you could change? does she want the same things out of life that you do?

it might also be that while she doesn't do anything wrong, you just don't click. no-one's fault. just maybe the chemistry isn't there.

i'll also tell you something else - that if she hasn't already worked out that your eyes are roving, she will soon. and that's no good for her self-esteem either. keeping things limping along isn't benefitting either of you.

you have to listen to your instincts on this. i get the feeling that you FEEL it isn't quite right, and now you're trying to LOGICALLY find an explanation. maybe i'm quite wrong.

Whatmeworry · 02/08/2011 19:03

I wouldn't sweat it. its too hard to decide right now and she may still be right, could be all those cold feet - just amble along as you are, and if someone better comes along/you really start to feel disquiet then go with your gut feeling then.

garlicbutter · 02/08/2011 23:12

One thing I'm not sure anybody's said yet - you're not responsible for other people's feelings. If you feel good while you're together and you want to keep her in your life for a while then, if keeps on turning up, you may assume she's also content with things. You do have a responsibility not to lie to her if she asks you where this is going: if the truth is "I don't know", say so.

If she needs to know and doesn't ask, that failure is hers not yours.

confidence · 03/08/2011 00:22

I?ve never been like this before with my ex-partners, I remember my first girlfriend, and not noticing other women for about the first three or four years of our relationship.

Wow, you serious? I love my wife more than anything but I don't think I've ever gone a day without thinking of shagging someone else. Well maybe a couple of days, at the beginning.

I don't really believe there's an "answer" whether you love someone. What's love? It's different for every individual, and when I look back each time I've experienced it has been different even for me.

Also, it's worth noting that the strength and conviction of that first "feeling" is not necessarily the best barometer of whether a relationship will thrive long term. There are many other factors that may be a lot more important, such as what kind of basic values, desires and ambitions you have in common. So I wouldn't advise ending the relationship just because it doesn't tally with some preconception of how love "ought" to work. It is what it is. If it makes you both happy, then enjoy that and see where it goes...

What I WOULD say is that it's important you be honest about this. Some people seem to think that being in a committed relationship means you should never think about anyone else, and fantasising about someone is tantamount to being unfaithful with them. Other people see sexual desire (as opposed to action) and monogamy of action as completely separate things. You need to be compatible in this respect so you can both be happy being honest with each other, or it won't work. (Fortunately DW and I are on the same page and talk all the time about who we fancy, and don't think anything of it).

And if the converstation doesn't come up, I would probably raise it because a lot of people just assume it's the first scenario I mentioned, and if someone says they want to be in a realtionship with them it must mean they never feel anything sexually for anyone else.

solidgoldbrass · 03/08/2011 00:29

Is your girlfriend dropping hints (or asking outright) about moving to an increased level of commitment? Are all the people you know either already married/living together/breeding? Do you generally mix socially with Noah's Arkers (ie a social circle where anyone single is regarded as a bit odd or a failure)? If yes to all these, it could be that you are not that into your girlfriend, but reluctant to be single, so really she is a Will Do For Now girlfriend ie perfectly nice, but you can't shake a feeling deep down of 'Is that all there is?'

UnhappyLizzie · 03/08/2011 05:36

You say your gf is 'great' and you have a good time together, but do you really look forward to seeing her or just enjoy it when you do?

It's like sex - it might be enjoyable when it happens, but if you don't find yourself thinking about it and anticipating it, it's really not that great.

niceguy2 · 03/08/2011 09:24

Ok there are two issues here correct?

  1. Is it normal to look at other women and fantasise?
  2. Are you IN love with your GF

Let's take the first as it's the easy one. Hell yes! Jesus christ, you'd have to either be a liar or clinically dead not to look at another woman and wonder. The only question is whether or not you'd do anything about it.

The 2nd. You know what. This reminds me of back when I was about to move in with my exGF. I asked my best mate's wife how I would know if she was the one or not. How did she know. There wasn't this huge firework thing. We got on really well. I knew I cared about her deeply. But "in love".....how could I be sure???

Well as it happens I now live with a new partner and the age old adage of "You just know" is true. I KNOW i love my current partner.

So I'd say this...don't sweat the fact you look at other women but you do need to look at the reason why you doubt you could be in love with her.

From my experience I would suggest you ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Is she worth giving up having sex with all other women.....forever!
  2. Are you able to be totally honest about yourself to her? Or do you have to keep any secrets, no matter how small even if only to keep the peace?
  3. If your life hits a big steaming pile of poo, would she be stood next to you with a shovel?
  4. Can you see her pushing you around in a wheelchair whilst you hit people with your walking stick bemoaning the "youth of today...."

If the answer to the above is yes, then she's the one!

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 09:53

Like UnhappyLizzie, I'm struck by some of your language -- how your GF is great and you have a nice time together.

Is it possible that she is perfectly nice and lovely, you have a perfectly nice and lovely time together, on paper she is everything you could want -- but that spark or fireworks just isn't there?

I had a relationship like this for four years. We were supposed to get married but I broke it off because it just didn't feel right, even though there was nothing concrete I could point to. I loved him for being a great guy but that's not the same as really loving him (if that makes sense).

I have dated a lot of guys over the years and in my experience, if I was looking at other guys and imagining what it would be like to be with them, it was a sign that I was in a pleasant relationship that ticked the right boxes but was just missing that special something.

I agree with those who say you just know. And it is important to have that faith, and not just talk yourself into loving someone, because when things get tough (as they always do sooner or later) you will really need that faith in your love to keep you together. (Sorry if that sounds corny, but I've found in the last year, dealing with some tough times, that if DH and I weren't so sure that we absolutely loved each other we might have broken apart under all the stress. Love sort of holds things together until things get better.)

HappyHubbie · 03/08/2011 16:52

Having married the wrong woman because I thought I was in love, I'd say the answer is actually devastatingly simple. If you think you're in love, then you're not. When you're in love you know it. Working that out made it easy when I met the right woman (at the end of a horrible marriage to the wrong one). If I'd known this in 1986 I wouldn't have got married the first time.

fluffyanimal · 03/08/2011 17:01

It could also be that you have a pre-conceived romantic notion of what it will be like when you find THE ONE, and since real life isn't like that, but you still feel really good about your gf, you are wondering "Is this it?" I agree that it isn't always as simple as "when it's right you just know". I had precisely that anxiety and therefore was a commitment-phobe for years because I was waiting for some mythical certainty that never really happened. Sometimes you just have to make an educated guess! BTW, been with DH for 16 years now, and still blissfully happy, so my educated guess was right...

Swipe left for the next trending thread