Motherhood..is this how it's going to be?

[mollypolly]

I'm posting under a different name to keep anomous (sp?) I'm a regular mner..
I don't quite know how to start.This is long btw.

Well dd is around 7 months old and she is a baby we have wanted for over 4 years. She is a "good" baby and sleeps quite well and I wouldn't say she is any different to other babies.
My problem is my dh. He hasn't always been the man around the home type but does help and when I was expecting he really surprised me by taking over the household jobs for 8 months. Like I said he didn't do everything but as it was only short term I put up with the jobs he missed out (dusting,hoovering weekly etc.).
Since having dd I though dh would continue to support me in this way but I can't believe how little he's doing. I'm a sahm and I have no plans to go back to work but I am starting to think that things would be slightly easier if I did return to work. At least household jobs would be shared etc (well thats the way I would hope).I don't want to go back though as I enjoying the parts with dd and I want to be there for her etc.
I understand that dh has a job to do and that he's out of the home from around 7.30am till 6-7pm but I don't think he fully appreciates what my day involves. For starters I would love to have a "lunch Hour", a "Morning break" and "afternoon break"..something which is unheard of in this home.! Dh can go on his lunch break and not take 1 hour to even go anywhere because he has to get a baby ready etc.
DH is not in the position where he can spend his days with our dd like I am but thats usually the case for fathers and one that we agreed on (dh earns more in a year than I could earn in a life time!!)
DH is "funny" with me if I go to the shops with my mum or friends...he says he isn't but it's the impression he gives me. I try and explain that when I go shopping it's not always fun and an easy task...baby needs entertaining,feeding numerous times,changing,comforting etc etc etc. The days of me shopping and enjoying it and making progress is long gone. He says that he doesn't mind me going out etc but I just get the impression that he wants me home,dd fed and bathed and dinner ready for when he's home! Again he says different but I don't feel this.

I have been diagnosed with pnd but am holding off taking the tablets as I want to try and see how I go..today dh suggested I start taking them! I can't help but feel he wants me to take the blame for the above problems I have and isn't prepared to consider what impact his actions have on me etc.
I feel as though I am running the home and 3 lives and it's all getting too much for me. Things like sorting the bills is done by me,fixing things that are broken in the home,shopping etc. DH does help by giving dd her last bottle and does sort bottles for the next day but only seems to do this if he sees i'm annoyed or if i nag him.....

Sorry this is so long. For those of you who have reached the end of this what do you suggest ? Is this now my role in life ? Am I going to grow old feeling like this ?

I headed this one off at the pass at 3 months by having dp glued to my side for a 2 week holiday. He had his eyes opened. Could that help you?

so go out and leave him with the kid on sunday.

alternate the weekend - tell him you want a day off, tea made , housework done. and he too can have a day off.

i have to say that icooked tea when the kids were small - nothing worse than coming home and beig hungry - and he does do a long day.

as for the attitude when you go out - tell him to f*ck off

We have recently returned from a week hol,dh helped quite a bit but to me it wasn't a "real" situation and no housework or shopping needed to be done etc...

I love my dh & my dd so so much and I am so grateful for both of them. DD is so gorgeous and I feel bad about actually posting this thread. . I don't know what more I can do though bar leave dh with dd for a weekend...but then again I know that he would cope with dd but the house would be a tip and he would live off takeways...

you are saying "seems to" "get the impression that" a lot. sit him down and have a wee talk with him?

give him a chance to help

don't do everything so well that all your work becomes invisible

he is obviously able to help when he recognises the need

Hmm, well, I could have posted the same thing hon. Men just don't have a clue. I am of course happy to leave my ds (he's nearly 3) all day with his dad but I don't expect the washing or even cooking to be done. They can't multitask the way we do. There are exceptions but I don't know any myself..!
However it's ridiculous not to expect you to have a day out now and then! SAHM does not mean literally STAY AT HOME ALL DAY!
It does get easier as the baby gets older.

Make a list of everything you do during the day, then hand it to him to read.

Leave him with the baby for a day - even getting a takeaway with a baby in tow will be a challenge!

Tell him that you are finding it all a bit much. After all, it's your first and it takes, ooooh, a lifetime to get used to motherhood! But yes, men think that you sit on your arse all day. Mine even suggested that I do a bit of painting after I'd had mine, after all she sleeps all day doesn't she! They'll never know how it feels to be feeding all through the night, esp b/f as it's physically draining!

It's one of those arguments that just go on and on, who does more of the housework. It's like a stuck record in our house. All you can do is leave him in charge for a while. Can't you stay overnight somewhere one weekend so that he has her all night too? It's the only way they learn, honestly.

Hmmm mollypolly I know how you feel Yes there are advantages to staying at home but it's not all shopping and meeting friends for coffee as some people seem to think.. Looking after a baby really is a full time job in itself, never mind cooking, cleaning etc..

My ds is nearly 8mths, and I have never really got it together with keeping up with housework since I had him. I feel like I can't get a thing done in the house and he doesn't entertain a trip to the supermarket very well, so most things like that have to get done in the evening or at weekends. Dp doesn't expect me to do it all, but sometimes I feel like I should because he goes out to work. What you have to come to terms with is that looking after your baby alone is the equivalent of going out to work. By that I mean that if you both went out to work then the housework would have to be shared, right? Just because you're 'at home' doesn't mean you have the time to do the housework. You have a much more important job to do!

Does your dh ever look after your dd for a day on his own? That is what made my dp really appreciate exactly what I do all day. Perhaps if he did that he would understand just how tiring and demanding your job is; and that if you do go out it's not about leisure time, but about just getting out of the house and trying a new tactic to divert dd?

If you don't want (or need) to go back to work, I wouldn't. If your dh isn't saying he expects you to do everything, is it possible he doesn't actually think it? You know maybe he just thinks that you're unhappy and the tablets might make you feel better. He might not realise how you're feeling, and IME some men need things spelling out. Have a good chat with him about it.

HTH and try not to be too hard on yourself xx

Why not take what he says at face value. Tbh, I think your depression is getting in the way here. You are reading a lot into him, and I wonder if you are projecting some of your own feelings of guilt (not that you need feel any but motherhood is like that) onto him. Seriously I would consider taking the anti-depressants. PND is a proper illness and you may need proper treatment to enable you to clearly divide your relationship issues from your depression.
Also a good multivitamin and fish oils may help. And get as much help as you need from friends and family. And if he says he isn't being critical, then take that at face value and get on with your life. Also, get a cleaner. It iwll change your life. It sounds as if your dh is wealthy so you can afford it. Just arrange it and present it as a fait accompli.

If you ask him for help does he give it willingly?
My dp will do little without being prompted but will help out if I explain to him what needs doing. Without minding one bit - this took me ages to figure out, I wanted him to offer but he would not.
Also I got taken into hosp for emergency surgery for 5 nights, this gave dp a huge wake up call and he has been a lot more helpful spontaneously since then - not for a minute suggesting you get ill, but if you could get him to spend a day or two in your shoes.
Remember men don't see the little things, only the small picture.
DP's like to take the mickey about their "wives" shopping habits
My bank statement reads tesco tesco tesco spar spar tesco and Texaco.
honestly does that sound like a full social life dp?
Custys suggestion about sharing a weekend day is great. TRy that if you can
It does get better

hi molly,
does your dh give you a hard time about household chores being done? (i hope not!) i made up a cleaning schedule to do a bit each day. it does work!
when your daughter naps, what do you do? do you just rush around cleaning things, doing laundry, washing up, everything else? (i am assuming she does nap during the day) when she naps, the first thing you should do, (take it from me, really, ds is 17 months old, my first too, it took me OVER A YEAR to learn this), make yourself a cup of tea (or coffee...) and take 5 minutes to collect your thoughts. and relax.

time for you is crucial to your sanity as a mother. even if its just a bit of time here and there.

you sound a lot like me when my ds was a lot younger, i felt i needed to have it ALL DONE. or i felt like a failure. as a mother and as a wife. but you know what, you're not. definitely not.

the days of shopping and enjoying it, ARE NOT gone. in time, you will be able to juggle baby (or toddler!) and shopping.. i still shop with ds, who often does not like sitting in his pushchair.

i dont want you to think i'm telling you how to act or what to do, but sometimes it takes awhile after the baby is born for things and stresses to set in. this will only be your role if you let it be. maybe making a list of what you do not like about your current situation will help. but dont feel you need to change it all at once, or you will go further down the spirals of stress. take the little things first. and no, if you dont want to, you wont grow old like this.

hang in there and talk to your dh about your feelings. good luck.....

hi molly,
does your dh give you a hard time about household chores being done? (i hope not!) i made up a cleaning schedule to do a bit each day. it does work!
when your daughter naps, what do you do? do you just rush around cleaning things, doing laundry, washing up, everything else? (i am assuming she does nap during the day) when she naps, the first thing you should do, (take it from me, really, ds is 17 months old, my first too, it took me OVER A YEAR to learn this), make yourself a cup of tea (or coffee...) and take 5 minutes to collect your thoughts. and relax.

time for you is crucial to your sanity as a mother. even if its just a bit of time here and there.

you sound a lot like me when my ds was a lot younger, i felt i needed to have it ALL DONE. or i felt like a failure. as a mother and as a wife. but you know what, you're not. definitely not.

the days of shopping and enjoying it, ARE NOT gone. in time, you will be able to juggle baby (or toddler!) and shopping.. i still shop with ds, who often does not like sitting in his pushchair.

i dont want you to think i'm telling you how to act or what to do, but sometimes it takes awhile after the baby is born for things and stresses to set in. this will only be your role if you let it be. maybe making a list of what you do not like about your current situation will help. but dont feel you need to change it all at once, or you will go further down the spirals of stress. take the little things first. and no, if you dont want to, you wont grow old like this.

hang in there and talk to your dh about your feelings. good luck.....

oops for double post

Just one more thing, when ds was about 8 months I started going to a dance class once a week. Just that one evening out was a great break from a full day of full-on mummy time and gave dh time alone with baby. So sign up for something in the New Year, it might make a big difference.

Oh mollypolly, I think I know what you mean. Dh earns the money and works long hours while I do everything else necessary to run the home. I could definitely do with a little more help and a lot more appreciation.

Some things you can do something about, some you can't. Could you get a cleaner & somebody to look after the baby for a few hours a week so that you can have a break to enjoy and look forward to?

I have found that it helps if dh is aware of what I do. Instead of saying that I went shopping, I say that I picked up the dry cleaning, went to the bank, did the grocery shopping, etc. You could try ordering them online and having them delivered in the evening. When we go out on the weekends, there is a lot of packing and preparation. I let him do it, or at least let him see me doing it. Ditto the unpacking and clean-up. Otherwise I feel like the prep and clean-up crew for funtime daddy. It has also become our daily routine for him to watch the baby while I have a shower or a bath. I actually think he finds fatherhood more rewarding when he takes an active role in looking after dd.

Try to accept it when he says he doesn't mind. I think my dh wishes he were the parent that stays home, and that he is a little jealous when I tell him about my outings.

Do you think that your pnd might be colouring your interpretation of the situation? I hope you continue to see the dr and talk with her about how you feel and whether to take the medication.

thanks for all of your advice. Mmm common trend in the answer are the possibility that my pnd is probably changing the way I see things. I think this may be the case. Somedays I feel brilliant and love being at home and doing "mummy" things. Other days I just feels so bad as a mother and I think at night: Oh I wish I had done this with dd today or did I spend enougth time playing with dd today...etc. I'm reluctant to starts on the ad's as I am worried about side effects and I don't want to become dependant on them. I am taking St JW so I hope this will have an impact on me soon. I am also due to see my gp in a few weeks time.

Like some of you have said,my dh is a great man and compared to friends dp or dh he is brilliant but I suppose things get ontop of me and I don't feel as though he listens. I do sit down with him and tell him how I feel and he usually replies that I need to chill. But again as some of you have said I feel that if I chill I am somehow failing as a mother . I am exactly how lunarx decribes me!! When dd is sleeping (not always a regular thing during the day) I run around like a mad woman tidying my home so that when she is awake I can give me 100% attention. DH doesn't expect the cleaning to be done but I feel I should do it and I have the attitude that if I don't do it then who will??! A cleaner is an option but I feel it's a waste of money...

Even on weekends though dh doesn't always realise that this is the only chance I get to have a shower in peace! But true to form I usually end up doing it while juggeling dd!
Suppose how dh is, is just like most blokes (sorry to generalise). He doesn't always realise theres a problem until I shout and sometimes I do think a problem is bigger than it is..??

Thanks again, you have given me lots to go away with. It's nice to know that it does get easier as at the moment all I hear from people is "oh juts wait until dd is crawling or walking" or "wait till you have more". We wanted about 4-5 and now the thought fills me with dread ...

Suppose a start would be to leave dh alone one day with dd. So far only half a day has been managed and even then dh went back to bed with dd!!! LOL!!! Maybe I need to take a leaf out of his book .

Defintaely leaving him alone with dd is best idea - personal experience is eaiser than expecting empathy. Also, put a few things on a list that you would like hime to do. Load dishwasher, hoover. Whichever would help you. Then, make sure he does them. It seems that men are best when they are ultimately responsible for something and can be proud of doing it. However, in the home, the unseen thankless tasks repeat. You cannot leave food all over the floor just waitin gfor the evening hoover, that may not happen. So, you have to nag a bit harder to get men to take on board a task that is just "help" and not "credit" and "pat on bakc" for great job like a child. He will get the message eventually. They make us into nags unfortunately. I think they do know though, they just avoid terribly. Their mum just did it.

You have had a lot of good advise. Think you need to stop trying to do everything and be a little more specific with dh. Shower time just tell him I'm off for my shower, dd is all yours for the next half hour.

advice!!

As lots of people have said, you do need to spell it out to them. It was ages before I explained to dh that the one thing that would make a huge difference to me, was if I could have a shower by myself on Sat and Sun. He was really surprised because it seems such a little thing - until you never ever get one.

Reading your post, I remembered what a huge shock to the system it is, to suddenly be responsible for a baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, mostly on your own. It is a massive adjustment, and the men don't really have to make it. Still a shock for them too, but not on the same scale. I'm quite stunned that there are women out there that don't get depressed.

My children are 3.5 and 9mo now. I have a refrain with dh. Whenever he complains about work being hard, I say "yes, but you get to go to the toilet by yourself". Whenever he expresses envy of me because I get to have a "lazy" (!) day playing in the park and doing finger painting, I say "yes, but when you go to the loo, nobody comes into the cubicle with you". When he mutters about the house being a mess I say "be grateful that you get to poo in private". It works!

And this isn't how its going to be. It does get better.

molly the w/e is the only time I get to shower in peace too, but sometimes dd makes her way upstairs to open the door and be with me
It really annoys me at the time, not dd of course but dh not amusing her enough.
So many of the things you say ring true for me.
I guess the difference might well be your depression, I do hope something helps you soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yes shower alone at the w/e makes such a big difference. Fruitful you are so right about us making a massive adjustment when the men don't have to. I used to run around tidying up etc.. when ds napped but now he sleeps on my knee (only place he will sleep in the day!!) so I am forced to rest!
Mollypolly, if your dh is telling you to chill then I would say he means it and doesn't want you to stress about the housework

Its times like these when I am grateful that I am a single mum.

Shower by yourself???What????I have to have both my kids sitting on the bathroom floor whilst I have a bath,wow it must be great!