Motherhood..is this how it's going to be?

[mollypolly]

I'm posting under a different name to keep anomous (sp?) I'm a regular mner..
I don't quite know how to start.This is long btw.

Well dd is around 7 months old and she is a baby we have wanted for over 4 years. She is a "good" baby and sleeps quite well and I wouldn't say she is any different to other babies.
My problem is my dh. He hasn't always been the man around the home type but does help and when I was expecting he really surprised me by taking over the household jobs for 8 months. Like I said he didn't do everything but as it was only short term I put up with the jobs he missed out (dusting,hoovering weekly etc.).
Since having dd I though dh would continue to support me in this way but I can't believe how little he's doing. I'm a sahm and I have no plans to go back to work but I am starting to think that things would be slightly easier if I did return to work. At least household jobs would be shared etc (well thats the way I would hope).I don't want to go back though as I enjoying the parts with dd and I want to be there for her etc.
I understand that dh has a job to do and that he's out of the home from around 7.30am till 6-7pm but I don't think he fully appreciates what my day involves. For starters I would love to have a "lunch Hour", a "Morning break" and "afternoon break"..something which is unheard of in this home.! Dh can go on his lunch break and not take 1 hour to even go anywhere because he has to get a baby ready etc.
DH is not in the position where he can spend his days with our dd like I am but thats usually the case for fathers and one that we agreed on (dh earns more in a year than I could earn in a life time!!)
DH is "funny" with me if I go to the shops with my mum or friends...he says he isn't but it's the impression he gives me. I try and explain that when I go shopping it's not always fun and an easy task...baby needs entertaining,feeding numerous times,changing,comforting etc etc etc. The days of me shopping and enjoying it and making progress is long gone. He says that he doesn't mind me going out etc but I just get the impression that he wants me home,dd fed and bathed and dinner ready for when he's home! Again he says different but I don't feel this.

I have been diagnosed with pnd but am holding off taking the tablets as I want to try and see how I go..today dh suggested I start taking them! I can't help but feel he wants me to take the blame for the above problems I have and isn't prepared to consider what impact his actions have on me etc.
I feel as though I am running the home and 3 lives and it's all getting too much for me. Things like sorting the bills is done by me,fixing things that are broken in the home,shopping etc. DH does help by giving dd her last bottle and does sort bottles for the next day but only seems to do this if he sees i'm annoyed or if i nag him.....

Sorry this is so long. For those of you who have reached the end of this what do you suggest ? Is this now my role in life ? Am I going to grow old feeling like this ?

aww MP sorry to hear you feel like this, i suffered PND when my dd1 was born too and it was undetected for a year i remember feeling like i was failing even though people kept telling me how well i was doing considering my age (17) and in the end i didnt go out of the house much sometimes i wouldnt get dressed dd stayed in baby grows (clean i must add) the house work was so much effort it felt never ending so i stopped bothering so much the house never felt clean no matter how hard i tried. i ended up trying to OD on painkillers by the time dd was 1, i had nowhere proper to live i was moving to three different houses a week and i had no money or confidence i felt such a failure i was also in a abusive relationship by this time, they put me on prozac and sent me to see a counsellor this helped so much i didnt stay on the prozac long my mum helped me rent a flat and i gained some friends and escaped from the horrible relationship, my dd is now 6 and is very happy and content and im glad i got help. i've just had my 2nd dd when i went for my postnatal check they told me my score was high again (only slightly) and offered to come and see me at home, i said no as i dont feel anywhere near as bad as the first time sometimes i feel guilty that i didnt enjoy dd1's babyhood like im enjoying dd2's but i cant change that now.

just wanted to say you're not alone it will get better and easier, try and get yourself out of the house (you need it for your sanity) and dont be so hard on yourself, get a cleaner even if its just until you feel you dont need her anymore though i think every mother deserves to have help pnd or not! the less time you spend cleaning the more time you can spend with dd and if shes asleep you can rest then be in a better mood for dd and dh if that makes sense i really hope you feel better soon.

Not really got much to add in the way of advice, but just a little thing to add to what lunarx was saying re having a rest when your dd does - the opposite is also true - use at least some of the time when she is awake to do some of your chores, eg vaccing, washing up etc - talk to her while you do it, get her to pass you things etc. Sorry it's a long time since I had an 8 month old and this might not be that feasible, but it is important that your dd sees you doing other things as well as giving her 100% attention. Added bonus, you get to kill two birds with one stone - entertain dd and get some housework done!

Also, IKWYM about feeling like dh sees the shopping etc as you having fun. My dh works while I am a SAHM to ds (our third child, the others are at school), and tbh I am sure he wishes it was him at home sometimes. However, I tend to present what I do from ds's point of view - eg "I went to the shops today and ds was wide-eyed at all the colours, and slept really well when we got home" or "I went to so and so's for coffee and ds played with a rattle and his whole face lit up" etc - all the things I do are/can be a learning experience for ds, not (just) fun things for me. HTH.

also meant to say (as if my post wasnt long enough!) i now have a bath in the morning before my dp goes to work so im up for the day at 7am though sometimes i will nap if dd2 sleeps in the day while dd1 is at school also when he comes home from work i have trained him to ask what needs doing i.e. bottles, dd2 bath, dd1/2 fed? and he puts one of them to bed usually dd2 so i can read a story to dd1 and he also tells me how great i am which helps, at weekends he takes both the girls out for a few hours while i go out with my friends or sleep last week he actually told me to go out so he could watch footy in peace - leave the kids with me he said, i got back 3 hours later and he had tried to tidy up and sort the kids out for when i got back so he had missed the footy completely then he said i dont know how you do it everyday you work so hard!

thanks for the messages and advice! It sounds as though the way my life is going is exactly the same as so many of you but I suppose it's how you deal with it that matters.
I did speak to dh last night but it ended in a row again. I don't want a fighting match over who's job is harder I just want help with the little things that matter a lot! ie putting clothes in the wash basket. Like someone said this is a role his mother did and I am not being his mother as well! I have said to him how things are and the fact that things are getting ontop of me and he says he will try and do what he can. I don't expect him to do the housework as this is something I do while he is at work but I would appreciate him doing his bit of the chores etc.
Like I said, he is a brilliant dh and I couldn't ask for a better one at times but just to feel that our workload was spread evenly would help. I asked him how he would feel if a colleague was not pulling their weight at work..he replied pi@@ed off !! Point made !

DH praises me constantly which shows he cares etc but there are times where it makes me feel a little like a dog..iykwim...sometimes praise is nice to be given in the form of help. ie sit down and I will ...... He is also a very generous man and I probably am spoilt but I have told him it's also nice to be spoit in other ways,not always expensive ways..

It would be lovely if all blokes were given a "fake" baby to experience for a weekend..maybe they would realise that time spentwith dd or ds is not like living the life of a footballers wife ! LOL.!!! I so so so wish!!!

But I guess I am very lucky to have a dh who loves me and treats me well iykwim. So many women do get such a bad deal in life. I'm grateful for that.

mollypolly, that asking for more consideration ended in a row. Sometimes I think it takes a long time for men to realise what needs doing. Dh is fantastic, does loads round the house, but we are on baby no. 3 (after a big gap too) and it was hugely different when dd1 and dd2 were tiny, I hardly got any help then. Our roles in the house are much more defined, though this has happened organically rather than sitting down and deciding who does what. Try asking him to do specific tasks - eg put clothes in washing basket or they won't get washed, put the bin out, clean the toilet/bath, look after dd whilst you have a shower/bath at the weekend etc. Often men respond better to specific instructions than to a vague "please help more".

Meant to add, sometimes it is hard to accept praise too - I think the English in particular are spectacularly bad at accepting compliments. Dh often says to me "you are such a great mother" (often in the middle of the night when night-feeding is getting on top of me) and it buoys me up for days . But you have to be able to accept it in the spirit in which it is given, which isn't always easy if you are having a tough time.

MIstletAOU I understand exactly what you are saying .!! When I look on other threads and see others who are splitting with their dp or dh it makes me sad that they are in that situation where they feel they have no other option. I must admit, last night I honestly wanted things to end between us as I could never see things being solved but this afternoon I suppose I am seeing things differently (a bad sympton of pnd ). We have been through so so much over the last 10 years that I couldn't see a future without him iykwim.
This weekend I will start a new chapter and will take all of the advice below on board. I will start by asking dh to watch dd while I have a shower (hey I'm not choosey..he can even sit in the bathroom chatting while I shower!! Just as long as I'm not jumping out of the shower every 5 mins says "mummy won't be long".!!LOL )
DH will also have an opportunity to watch dd for the morning so I will see how he gets on with Jobs I ask him to do. (Note: This has been done previously but failed...!) I will try and not be harsh and will let you know how it goes.

I'm with you on the expensive gifts one. Dh and I went on a marrage improvement course, and one of the things they said was that everyone has different things that make them feel loved. Most people try to show their love using the things that work for them, which is no good! They made us write down the kinds of things that made us feel loved, and swap lists with our partner. So now dh knows that what I really want is for him to get up with the kids at the weekend, and remember to empty the dishwasher etc. And I know he likes to be bought surprise presents. Whereas I've always hated him spending our money on surprises for me, and he can't see that me doing his laundry is showing love. So simple and yet it took us 10 years...

BUT then again surprise expensive gifts are nice ...!!!

so is having a cleaner!!

Mollypolly this thread could have been about me!!! I know exactly where you are coming from.
It's nice to get advice from others for myself . Good luck.