FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!

[sarahinphuket]

Well, he's gone. I have told him I no longer want to be with him, cannot live this way anymore and that he has to go.

So he went on Saturday. He did come back briefly last night, as I think he thought I was bluffing as has happened before and I have just let him come back. But this time I made it perfectly perfectly clear. He is under no illusions.

Now I have the problem that all his stuff is still here, and he still has his keys. But I've told all my friends and family that we have separated - so this ensures that I will not go back on it. I have to stay strong on this for my DDs sake.

And you know what? I feel as though a weight has been lifted. THings have been so bad for so long, that I have already done all the grieveing for a lost relationship, now I just want to start my new life and get on with things. DD is much calmer too.

The only thing that worries me is what happens if he suddenly gets very angry when he is pissed, and then comes back. Am a bit freaked out by that idea. Also worried that he might steal DD and take here somewhere where I can't find her

BUT in the meantime I am free.

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he should have done..............but i think he thought that i would never actually go through with it....as in the past he has always come back.

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yep
he appeared on Wed night and i told him to turn round and walk out again. he asked if there was any way we could make it work and i said no, i'm happy now you have gone. i think he knows for sure this time that it is over. he is coming on sun to take DD out = will try to get his stuff packed before then so all he has to do is put it in his car

sarah good luck in your new life

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too right, he wouldn't know what hit him!

nope, don't really want to rush into anything.....am happy just to observe/ogle/drool at the moment!!

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Glad you found the courage to make the decision sarah. I remember your posts from stressedmummy's thread.

thanks everyone
now i need to get through tomorrow when he comes to take DD out for the day - and just hope and pray that he brings her back in the evening.........if he decided to take her somewhere I would never be able to find her

How old is DD and how has she taken all this?

I think it is only natural to woryy that he will disappear with her even if you trust him. Has he ever said (in anger) that he would do that??

hi shannen
DD is nearly 2.5 and to be honest she hasn't really noticed that he isn't here. she does ask occasionally, but doesn't get upset.

no he hasn't said that he would take her away - in fact he has always said that she can stay with me and that he wouldn't 'fight' me for her if it all ever went to the courts.........99.9% of me is sure that he won't but its the 0.1 % that sometimes wonders if he would that I find it hard to ignore! I do't think he will because if he does he then has to take more responsibility - which he wouldn't like!

shannen i hope that you find the strength to go through with this too - have you got someone to talk to? it really really helps, I can't emphasise how much. I think that if I hadn't started talking to people, I wouldn't be where I am now....

good luck

well he came and took DD out for the day and just brought her back about half an hour ago, so I guess I was worrying over nothing. Tried to get him to take some of his stuff (which i had packed while he was out todayu) but he says there is not enough space in the room he is renting, but he will come and get it soon. I told him that i would really like him to take it all, as I'm not going to change my mind. he said he understands and is not going to annoy me. that was the first civilised conversation we have had for months.

Have found myself wavering a little over my decision because when he's sober and being nice he's lovely. However, I have let him come back too many times before and it doesn't last, he soon goes back to the irresponsible, drunken, selfish person. I am not going back on this one. ANyway I don't love him anymore, so I don't know why I'm wavering.

As a cure for my 'wavering' I went to visit beach boy last night - but he was at home sick so not working. There was also no one in the bar at all, so it wasn't much fun.

Oh well, at least my DD is home and safe and we seem to have got through the first weekend.

when my ex left, he also came back and wouldn't go for a few more days/a week even tho he'd taken a suitcase of clothes. he wouldn't give his keys back and kept coming back in the house while i was out so i changed the locks for my own sanity. he ran up a huge phone bill (which was in his name - doh). i kept asking when he'd come back for his stuff and he'd fob me off in the end i went thru the whole house and put all his stuff in boxes from the supermarket so when he finally collected it he knew i wasn't bluffing. i really washed that man right outta my house!

I'm bumping this now 'cos I'm really struggling with things today.

My h is still living elsewhere, which is good, as I am much happier and DD is in general much calmer.

However, he is still refusing to move any of his things. He comes every Sunday to take DD out for the day - I think that this is really important and also hope that, if he is able to see her he is less likely to whisk her away somewhere that I can't find her.

He came yesterday and he is still asking if he can move back in if he stops drinking. He has been saying this every time I speak to him. Yesterday I just said no he can't, and I also told him that I want a divorce. I don't think I handled things terribly well but anyway I asked him if we could go to sign the divorce papers this week (it is really simple if both parties agree). He then told me that there is no way he will sign them, and that he will only sign them once I leave Thailand for good.

After some discussion and tears I think he has now agreed to go this week - but I really don't believe that he will honour his promises.

Today I'm really struggling with everything - I've been out all day at the beach and had a lovely time, but then I dreaded coming back to the empty house and the prospect of another evening in with no one to talk to.

I always thought I was good at being on my own, but now I'm not so sure. I'm adamant that I don't want him to come back, but I'm scared that I'm going to end up on my own forever.

SOrry this is so long but I just needed to get it all off my chest. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself I guess.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time Sarah. It is understandable, as it is still very early days & it must feel extra tough to be feeling so lonely over Christmas.
Well done for being so strong & not letting him talk you round. You have done the right thing & are being very brave.
Do you have any friends that you could ask round to keep you company?

You won't be on your own for ever Sarah.

Take things one day at a time. I know that you want a divorce but don't let him see how desperate you are to get one cos he'll just use it as a weapon. If he won't divorce then make it clear that being separated is fine too. As for his stuff- give him a deadline and then tell him that you'll be giving his cvlothes to charity.

Stay strong- we're all here for you if you want to chat xx

thanks bluteddy
yes I have friends around but they are all busy with their own lives and their own families in the run up to Christmas. Lots of them have got people visiting, and some have gone away.

I can't, won't have him back - for one thing I don't believe his is capable of stopping the drink and secondly, DD was stressed out within 5 minutes of him being in the house yesterday.

There are other things going on too which i can;t discuss, which have been helping a lot up until now, but in the last few days have got me thinking about stuff even more.

I'm sure I'll be OK I'm just dreading Christmas - its always a funny time out here as I get quite homesick anyway.

I can imagine you do get homesick at Christmas time.
DD's reaction proves that you have done the right thing.
I know it will be hard for you & I really feel for you, especially over Christmas. Just remember that you have done the right thing & will no longer have to put up with his drinking & moods.
You have done so well & I am sure you will not be on your own for long!
How about paying beach boy a visit to cheer yourself up?!

why do you think i've been at the beach all day today?! Have to confess that he is part of the reason why I'm so confused about everything, though I'm not going to elaborate on that!!

I'm sure this is just a passing phase....and that things will soon get better. I KNOW I have done the right thing, I just thought (hoped) it would all be sorted now - and I hadn't really anticipated xh's reaction correctly.....I didn't think he would still be pushing to come back. He has threatened divorce/leaving so many times in arguments.

Tbh I actually dislike Christmas out here at the best of timnes - and x-h managed to ruin the last two anyway with his behaviour. THis year I'm going to my friend's house for turkey so am looking forward to that. I still can't get used to it being all hot and sunny at Christmas and it's weird that it's just a normal day out here, because no one celebrates it.

Hope you feel a bit more settled soon, Sarah. All the best.

Oh, they all threaten leaving/divorce when they think they are the ones in control. It is to test for your reaction. He was probably in shock when you actually told him you wanted to seperate!
Glad to hear you are getting to a friend for Christmas. Just think, you won't have any of his nonsense this year, so it will hopefully be a much more calm & enjoyable time for you & DD.
Don't take any of his rubbish!

Sarah it IS grim at Christmas but not much longer to go and there will be a New Year and new start. On balance you sound so much happier and more relaxed there are bound to be lonely/scary moments but just remember the alternative, life as it was ... and keep moving forwards
Fwiw I don't think you will be on your own! wishing you a peaceful time over the next week or so and then a humdinger of a New Year
Chin up
Ninah x

good luck sarah. I haven't talked to you much before but I have caught some of your messages from way back about you being tres fed up with your husband.

You say your living arrangements are complicated. I just wondered though, would moving to another place nearby help at the moment? It could kill two birds with one stone - give you access to more company if you feel isolated and put a definite time limit for your husband to move his stuff out.

If he knows you're leaving your place and can't take his stuff with you, he has to move it out asap. And he won't have keys to your new place. It is also another way of driving home to him the point that you really are starting a new life without him.

thanks girls!
I can't move because I live where I work! Anyway I'm hoping (please keep your fingers crossed) that he will meet me tomorrow to sign the divorce papers.

Actually haveing thought about it all again, I suppose I don't mind too much if his stuff is here until he gets a bigger place.......he is not actually hassling as much as T thought he would and so far he hasn't turned up unexpectedly. Anyway I've packed all his stuff away now so I can't see any of it.

Once I go back to work after the holidays I'll be fine because I'll be so busy I won't have time to think about anything. I will also have plenty of social contact then too - that is what I'm really finding hard at the moment.

Still, I have plans for Christmas eve and Christmas day. Boxing Day I will go to one of the tsunami memorials on the beach here. New Year's Eve I might go to visit beach boy!

I also need to start studying again as I missed an exam in Nov because DD was in hospital, so I have to do it in Feb just before my next semester starts. I need to get a head start on the work for next semester too.

I have plenty to keep me occupied I just seem to have turned into a lazy slob at the moment!