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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever okay to be aggressively asked "are you thick" by a partner?

68 replies

shocked2 · 31/07/2011 17:48

In this case my "h". He is trying to get rid of clutter in the house - a longstanding issue between us as I am a hoarder to a certain extent and he hates it. He told me today that unless I get rid of certain things that need to be e-bayed he will put them out on the pavement. I do know where he is coming from as this is the thing that I have been putting off for literally months.
His tone is always angry and unkind in this situation though.

Just now he is on e-bay and he asked me aggressively what bike I wanted to get rid of. I didn't understand and thought he meant of mine so I said I did not want to get rid of mine (my dad recently brought it over from his house - it used to belong to my auntie and probably is too small for me but I don't want to get rid of it as yet). At this point he aggressively says "ARE YOU THICK?" and then I feel flustered and realise that he didn't mean my bike in general but the others - there are quite a few cluttering up the garden which belong / have belonged to the children a lot of which he purchased himself from e-bay etc... Eg he bought middle daughter two choppers and was going to use one to fix the other (the parts) but hasn't done this so they are languishing in our garden unuseable. So we have another small conversation where I am flustered and he is aggressive about which bikes to get rid of..... He also refers to one bike (an older one) as being "fucked".

Should add that we get on in a fairly civil manner during the week but weekends are always difficult. We do not live as a couple any more but more as co-parents. I find his negativity, short-temper and bullishness difficult. I don't talk to him about anything that really matters to me as it is impossible. We never kiss or hug or say nice things to each other. He doesn't like my clutter and lack of housekeeping skills. We also have lots of issues surrounding money.

He can be more relaxed but in general we are not on an equal footing - he is 12 years older than me which is part of it.

Anyway, my main question was whether the question "are you thick?" is every okay because it made me feel like crying :(.

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:18

Missed your post as well maryz thank you. I guess if I confront the whole thing in bitesized chunks then I could move mountains in a matter of weeks.
Thank you for all your posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:19

Yes I feel sad about the dc and what they are learning about relationships - ie not seeing affection :(. Part of me would like to be with a different kind of person who is much more laid back, open and chatty.... but I guess that is childish.

OP posts:
tawrag · 31/07/2011 18:20

When I was a bit depressed ? not needing medication, but some kind of outside help certainly ? I went to my GP and told him that I thought I was a bit depressed, didn't want pills, what else could he do. He arranged for me to see someone to talk things through. Three 'consultations' and I felt better about things and was able to move forward. Maybe you could give it a go.

ZZZenAgain · 31/07/2011 18:21

well no, that 's not childish but it is like with the clutter, you have to get there by working at it bit by bit. One bit at a time. The result is not immediately visible but in a year it is

atm it is a bit of a joyless existance (I get the feeling)

Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:22

Yes my sister keeps on telling me to go and see a counsellor but you know when you can't see the wood for the trees? Daily life seems to take over and swamp me.

OP posts:
lloyd1 · 31/07/2011 18:22

I feel for you Op. I am in a similar situation. In my case its kids toys, clothes etc. Dh is also short tempered and puts me down alot because of it. I will be watching replies with interest. Although he is a hoarder too. In his case football programmes and lego. Althogh apparently this is ok because lego is an investment. Maybe but what about football programmes.

Maryz · 31/07/2011 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:24

Yes it is joyless zzzenAgain except for both of us enjoying doing things with the kids.... I suppose what I find hardest is the thought that the person I am with seems to think I am a waste of space despite all the good things which I do do.

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:27

thanks maryz I will start with the bike...
hi lloyd1 - yes I agree, my dh also seems to have two separate rules Grin - his pile of wires and unused exercise machine in the attic never get talked about for example...

my dh has a dictatorial side which I simply don't like - in some ways I feel as if I am living with my father...

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:27

and the attic could be a nice bedroom without his stuff in it

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:28

anyway dh seems to have relaxed a little now - almost as if asking me "are you thick" let off an electrical charge in him and he now feels better

OP posts:
Ephiny · 31/07/2011 18:30

No of course it's not OK. I agree it's not the worst thing that ever happens in a relationship, but it doesn't have to be in order to be unacceptable - it's very rude and disrespectful. Yes it might be annoying for him that you insist on 'hoarding' things, but that's no excuse for speaking aggressively and rudely to you.

I see from your later posts that there's more going on here than one nasty comment though. Maybe talking things through with a counselor might be a good idea, if you feel you could?

Tortington · 31/07/2011 18:30

this is so much more complicated than hoarding and i think you need to go to relate to learn how to communicate with each other becuase saying 'he doesn't apoligise so i don't either' is a pretty shit existance imo

lloyd1 · 31/07/2011 18:32

I think it tough when you feel trapped. I feel the same. I also have young children and I work very part time. He couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and maintenance and I definately couldn't afford to keep house. Unless we can sell house or win lottery I feel struck. Although I too do not like it when he raises his voice with or in front of dc.

Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:35

yes it is not really an existence - dh wouldn't go to relate though only possibly at total breaking point but he is extremely stubborn - he is one of 6 siblings and it is normal for some of them not to talk to each other for years....

I think I hoard to contain feelings of anxiety - ie. if I still have all that to sort out then something really bad won't happen (for example)

I think dh thinks he is "above me" in some ways so the normal rules for relating intimately don't apply....(ie. you both talk about what you find difficult in the other and attempt to move forward together as a team - it's more I have to sort out my problem and then things might be different) he works very hard and loves doing stuff with the kids at weekends and that's kind of it...

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:37

yes I can relate to feeling trapped lloyd1 - it suddenly seems that the whole of my future life is absolutely mapped out and that I will never have the opportunity to meet another man who I might actually get on better with - the same goes for dh of course though I don't think any woman would like to spend every evening not talking or only half talking with his laptop open, he then decides how long the conversation goes on for and his eyes are more often than not staring at the computer

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:39

and a lot of his negative opinions bore me though he is clever

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 31/07/2011 18:44

do something away from your dc that gives you pleasure. One little thing and do it regularly

Original poster
shocked2 · 31/07/2011 18:48

yes - I love yoga or would love it if I did it more often so I will try to - thank you Smile
thanks everybody for your thoughts as I would have skulked around feeling low but I feel better

OP posts:
itsababslife · 31/07/2011 18:54

mmm.....not sure this is actually about clutter, it sounds like there are more significant deeper issues. Maybe Relate would be a good move?

Katisha · 31/07/2011 19:36

Sounds to me like you can start making bite sized chunks in all sorts of areas. The clutter. The yoga. The determination not to drift on in this unsatisfactory way.
I think you are sounding as if you feel able to start taking some control back in your life, a bit at a time.

pictish · 31/07/2011 19:41

I agree with Custardo.

I couldn't live with a hoarder, sorry. You want to keep another bike that is too small for you because your auntie once owned it....so it adds to the pile of bikes you aleady have!!

No. No way. Hoarders are a pain in the arse and very selfish. They're not going out of their waty to annoy their loved ones with piles of junk....but it does annoy them, impact on their lives and cause distress, and the hoarder doesn't care.

No - he should NOT talk to you like that OP....but honestly, I'd go bananas in his shoes. I really would.

floyjoy · 31/07/2011 20:13

Go and see a counsellor on your own. You're having a very hard time and all the issues will be conflated. I think hoarding can have its seeds in childhood and can be seen in different generations in my family. If you end the marriage, you would still be a hoarder so it's important that you try and get some help for that as it must be very painful for you to be unable to let go of things.
A counsellor/therapist will help you talk through your various difficulties and when you make progress in understanding yourself and your life you will be much stronger, more confident, less anxious and can really take responsibility for your life and make changes. Maybe the marriage won't make it but you ought to look after yourself.

ThereGoesTheFear · 31/07/2011 20:17

I'm a bit surprised at the focus on your 'failings' on here, OP.

Dithering? When your DH is aggressively questioning you, expecting to know what he's talking about and expecting you to make a decision about a couple of bikes that he bought? Completely normal reaction from you, I would say.

Hoarding? You have 1 bike; he bought 2. The attic is full of his unused stuff. Apart from that, just how bad are we talking?

You sound bloody miserable. It sounds like he is making you responsible for all your troubles, and all his aggression, and when you do tidy up he's still on your case. The way he speaks to you is completely unacceptable. Do yourself a huge favour and see a counsellor.

floyjoy · 31/07/2011 20:24

OP defined herself as a hoarder I certainly don't see it as a 'failing' -it's an illness.
And I have both cried and lost my temper with a hoarder even though I know that it is an illness. But, yeah he might just be horrible regardless.