DH has no friends

[MrsBillyNoMates]

I've changed my name for this but am a regular MNer.

DH works in a very male oriented environment but hasn't made one single friend. He's never invited to any work do's - not even the Christmas drink - and spends his breaks on his own while everyone else goes to the pub.

I know he's miserable but he won't admit it and he tries to make out it's not as bad as it is.

He's never been good at making friends and doesn't have any friends outside of work either. He was bullied at school and I think he has maintained insecurities from back then. He is very sensitive and gets on his high horse about things if he thinks someone is taking the mickey out of him. I know they probably are but being pompous (sp) is giving them more reason to think he's a bit of a pratt and the banter never ends.

He's not good at socialising with my friends either and can be a bit arse-lickey with my friends husbands. I find it very embarrassing but I love him so mostly I just find it painful to see him trying so hard and dying on his arse.

I don't know what to do to help him with this. I know he wants to have friends but has no idea how to make them. We have a wedding in January and I'm ashamed of myself for asking the bride to rearrange the seating at the meal so that we wouldn't be sitting next to other youngish people. The last time we went out socially he got so nervous that he knocked a bottle of wine over and almost soaked a girl. He will re-tell the most boring stories to people and alot of the time they just interruupt up or sometimes they even walk away. He will ask me why people never seem to listen to him. How can I say 'because you are boring them'.

Oh God, does anyone have any constructive advice? Please don't take the piss though.

oh i really feel for you, and him. it's horrible seeing someone you love struggle and be miserable like that.

the only thing i can suggest is trying to orchestrate things... invite some of his workmates to your hosue for christmas drinks... try and get out more with your friends...

it sounds like a confidence thing and that;'s really difficult to get over, especially if he still insists it's all ok.

I have no advice but I know how awful men can be to one another in the name of having a laugh. My dh's friend always seems to be the one who can't take the wind up when they go out in a large group. He ends up getting in a mood and going home in a sulk which just makes him the target for the next time. His partner used to phone me to complain my dh hadn't stuck up for him!

Poor hubby! I feel for you but most of all for him - he sounds pretty isolated. However, there must be something special about him or you wouldn't be married to him! Time for the world to see the positive, confident side of dh methinks.

Does hubby have any interests or hobbies, belong to any clubs etc - i'm thinking they may be a source of meeting people he immediately has things in common with. Sounds as if hubby may have low self-esteem, so encouraging him to get out and about and improve his social skills can only help matters.

Hope this helps - good luck!

agree with other posters about lack of self-esteem and low confidence
kick his backside down the pub

MrsBNM, that's sad, I feel for your DH. It sounds like he is trying too hard. It took me many years to get over my shyness (DH often reminds me of when we first started going out, I would constantly roll my sleeves up and down with nervousness!) A big key is to ask questions - people love to talk about themselves. I always would worry about running out of questions to ask, but a good acronym to remember is FORE - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Education. That covers just about everything and usually one question leads to another quite naturally. Also, LISTEN to the answer, don't let your mind wander to your next question, it will make you appear disinterested in the other person.

It can be hard at work if you are not a pub sort of person, but I can't believe he wouldn't be invited to the Christmas do? Does he know who is organising it? It would be good if he could go, even for just a little while for the meal only, otherwise he is just going to alienate himself even more. HTH, it's hard.

I think it is really hard to instill confidence in someone who has none.
My dh has some similar traits.

He is very shy, which comes across as standoffish and he never makes the first move in a conversation etc.

I have been really annoyed with him at times, as I am very conscious of him not mingling IYSWIM.

No real advice, but I wouldn't force him to go to events that he will feel awkward at.

Perhaps just get to know people on a more intimate level (!!) I mean invite a couple over to yours (as opposed to a gang), and he may feel more relaxed, and have more chance of getting a word in.

It is difficult though, and I do sympathise.

I wouldn't normally recommend this, as I can't get my dh off it, and nor can flamesparrow, but will advise you get world of warcraft for the pc if you have one, as both of our dh's spend their lives playing it, and both have made friends locally whom they now meet from doing it! and trust me, my dh, doesn't socialize well either, as he's not 'one of the lads' either!

He won't go to the pub on his own though

If I invited his work mates home none of them would come. He likes to pretend it's just banter but he told me yesterday that no-one will partner up with at work anymore.

Pinotmum - He has loads of great things about him. He's a different person here with me. I think it's low self esteem that makes him try and pretend he's someone that he isn't gives people the wrong impression.

I've told him that there's nothing wrong with being shy and that he should just let people see the real him, but he's not the same person when we go out or when he's with work colleagues. He tells me about some of the things he's said to people at work and I just cringe.

The only thing I can think of is buying him a book about social skills but we'd both be mortified about it.

ok this is what I would do...

do you have friends who you can talk to about this? if you have a best friend with a dh then arrange for the 4 of you to go out, or for them to come over to you
you and your friend can BOTH orchestrate things so that there is plenty to talk about.
even if it means you bringing things up...

i do this with dp who was also terrible with making a fool of himself, or not talking to people

I'd jsut say things like "oh x works with Linux" or something... just to give them ONE thing in commomn to start them off talking. It's much easier to have a converstaion with someone if it's something you know about

Once he has regained some confidence with one other person you can get a fe wmore involved.
Once his confidence has built up he will find it easier at work

BBB - Last year the union rep organised for everyone to go dog racing and really rubbed his nose in it by running around with the details and writing people's names down. DH went over to him and he hid the list behind his back and said he was doing a collection for DH Xmas gift - blatantly taking the piss - but nobody wanted to contibute. He's a nasty bastard. He didn't tell me about it. My BF DH also works there and she phoned me and told me that she thought they were all out of order for not inviting DH. I asked him and he told me what had happened. He's said nothing about this year's do so I'm assuming that he's been left out again. Good ideas about FORE, although I know he'd find it really patronising if I said it to him. Do you know of a book with these kinds of things in it. It's awful watching him make classic social blunders but if I tell him what he's doing wrong it just makes him even more nervous.

World of Warcraft sounds right up DH street. Is it something you buy in a shop or do you download it?

omg that is horrible! if your bf dh works there can't he stick up for him or chat to him or try and incluide him at all?

i don't personally think online gaming is the way to go. if he is already shy then i think he'll end up having a "virtual life" online and meeting even less people in real life

SL - my best friends DH is one of DH work mates. They come over here quite often and we go to them, but he's not really making any improvements. The worst thing is that because he feels inferior (it's very obvious) he tries to belittle other people and they end up getting pissed off with him. He's very immature and tries to be all alpha male.

Honestly now, if you were me would you just come out with it to your DH and say 'look you're going about this all wrong. You need to say X Y and Z and don't dare tell them that boring story about your car, and don't keep saying thank you and don't keep apologising etc... Or do you think that would just destroy someone who already has low self esteem?

hmm i probably would come out and say it to dp.. but only because i know he can take it!
if your dh is very sensitive then it may make it much worse,

If I was him I would seriously look for a different job. Why should anyone work in an atmosphere like that, ignorant b'stards . He is fortunate however to have a kind and loving wife.

Thanks SL - I know I sound like a nasty cow, but I'm so upset that he's being treated this way, and just want to help him.

I don't have many friends either tbh so perhaps were both social misfits. All my friends are from school and I'd love to broaden our social circle with his work mates. It's really upsetting to see my BF going out with them all and were not invited.

He's just come in, so I'll check back on this later. Thanks for all your suggestions though

that's awful, Mrsbnm, especially when you describe the workplace bullying just a suggestion but I think you both could do with looking in other places than work for friends cos they're obviously a bunch of wankers, can he look at doing a course in something that interests him, I'd suggest tai chi or a martial art to give him confidence, it helped me

He's just gone to pick the DD's up from school. I'd hate him to see this thread.

I would love him to change his job but he won't. I think he's so demoralised that he's thinking 'better the devil you know'. He has had problems in other jobs but it's not been as bad as this. It's worse here because his colleagues are a close knit group and they are together for the mojority of the day. In his last job he only had to spend a few minutes with his colleagues each morning and then he was out on jobs on his own.

He doesn't really have any interests apart from playing games on the PC and PS2. I know online gaming sounds a bit sad and nerdy but I think it might give him a chance to practice conversation and see what works for him in a safe environment.

He looked a bit upset when he came home so I really hope he hasn't had another shit day. I would like him to go on an assertiveness course or something like that as I think his social clumsiness comes from trying so hard to be liked. He really is a lovely guy and if he stopped trying to prove himself I feel he would make friends easily. I feel so sorry for him going into work everyday knowing that he's not liked by anyone.

My Dp sounds a lot like yours Mrs Billynomates. My dp tries so hard to be one of the lads and he never succeeds, he tries too hard to be liked, he arselicks my friends dp's too. My dp was also bullied at school, which has dented his confidence a lot. I know my dp and he is a lovely fella (apart from his moods but thats another story)he just dosen't know how to interact.

my dp uses his fists and his gob to settle an argument something he learned in school to stick up for himself and he constantly tells the men he does work with how hard he can be and how many fights he's had when he was younger. This alienates them even further which is a shame because I know if he just shut up and kept quite it wouldn't be so bad. He is dyslexic too and also gets his words mixed up when he's nervous or upset and then gets anoyed with himself because he has.

My dp is driving me nuts at the moWe haven't been together that long. I love him to bits though.

The only thing that I have encouraged him to do is to pick up my ds and dd from school when he's not working, he's had to go to the school by himself and mingle with others of both sexes so i'm hoping that he will feel more comfortable in time. I know also that my dp isn't liked that much by his footie team as they laugh at him behind his back and he never gets a game on sundays either. He has a lot toooffer which I can see but others can't. He just seems to rub people up the wrong way.

Sorry I've got no helpful advice just wanted to let you know that your not on your own

Could some kind of sports activity be any good ? A squash club will run a league so he can play someone else equally crap or equally incredible - meet new people, have instant source of conversation (how that game went, that amazing shot, the woman in the tight lycra shorts etc.)... badminton too might be a larf, as would some of the martial arts which people have suggested.

wrt - how honest should you be ? I'd say 100% direct. Have a serious convo, and also set up a 'safeword' so that you can just whisper 'car keys' (even when outside of them home), and he knows he's either being a bore, repeating something, winding someone up, being overly aggressive / whatever...

BTW, I don't quite understand the arse licking thing (snigger)... I presume, at core, it is a self-confidence issue... being confident of one's identity - HOWEVER you have turned out (geek, online gamer, weedy willow, loner, fishing nut, car bore etc. etc.) is key to being relaxed with other folk, who may be different (ie. very sociable, or PC-phobic, or into body-building, 'soccer man' etc. etc.)... Sorting out self-acceptance; to recognise 'this is me,' I guess is the beginning point for much personal development.

You do not sound like a nasty old cow!

Is your dh bothered about the lack of friends? Or is it just a problem with his colleagues? Is he a natural loner?

Sorry - must go - will get back later

Good advice hub2dee. Self acceptance is so important. I would also do some straight talking with your dh if he is unhappy about his situation.

Men and personal change can be hard - you mentioned books and I immediately thought of 'I'm OK, You're OK'. I've seen this one help (although it's rather a dated one, it is an easy intro to transactional analysis). It feels robust and concrete rather than airy-fairy.

Could you read and comment on it and maybe he'll have a read and think about some of the ideas?

my dh plays eutopia - its online - its free and its taken over my life - however like the previous mum i can't believe i am suggesting this. my dh plays gamers who are world wide and so local meet ups are not possible - if this is what hes looking for.

i suggest organised clubs locally, college course on something inane and useless just to help with social skills, maybe you could go ballroom dancing? but am thinking table tennis, or art class - maybe amature dramatics? something structured where people are generally more friendly and open.

please encourage him to change jobs, it sounds like a couple of awful places i have worked - where if your face doesn't fit - it never ever will as the small minded bastards who rule the canteen will forever remain that way

utopia even