I am going to be as honest as possible here and I am quite nervous about it actually.
H and I are splitting
. We have been together for 9 years and have dc. We met and married very quickly, think months rather than years and for the first year or two were totally happy and in love. We had a dc around 18 months after we met up until the point of me being around 8 months pregnant I felt we couldn't have been happier.
When I was 8 months pregnant, he disappeared one day, went to work, didn't ring and didn't come home that night. He appeared the next day saying he had been at his parents (he was later that night but there was a whole afternoon and evening unaccounted for). A glitch I thought, but he did the same thing again the following weekend, I found out years later that had been the beginning of his first affair and from that point on things went completely downhill. He started drinking heavily, would disappear with his friends for days at a time, was being a total knob about money, I had left my job by then (temp though well paid, so no Mat Leave), wouldnt open a joint bank account etc. For the first few months that ds was here he would "take me" shopping each week, buy all the food etc, never quibbled about cost to be fair but would then spend the rest on himself. I literally had not a penny in my pocket. The benders carried on. He did nothing to help out, no housework ever, he was at work, all childcare and cleaning was my job.
Anyway moving on to years later, we sorted the money thing out, only in so much that he would give me an allowance each week that was approx one third of his wages, the rest he kept for himself. He would often disappear for days at a time, but it was never ok for me to go out and so on, blah, blah, blah. No option for me to get a job, childcare costs would wipe out my wages. Life was pretty much hell tbh. During this time I would find phone numbers and messages to other women on his phone, I found out he had been with prostitutes, he would spend all his money on going out and other women. In the end after months and months of despair I threw him out, he was awful about it, became physically violent towards me and I called the police and had him taken away. He has not lived here since then.
Now here is the rub. He is telling me that the whole breakdown of our marriage is MY fault. He says this because I kept in touch with a couple of old boyfriends (via email, and rarely). He says that because I met up with an ex boyfriend for a drink when H and I had been seeing each other for 2 DAYS that I showed how untrustworthy I was at that point and he should have left me then. My old job was a very male dominated environment and so yes, a lot of my old friends are men. I did have the occasional drunken snog with some of them as well. I have some of them as friends on Facebook and he has hacked my account and knows this. He says that he treated me the way he did because deep down he KNEW I was not trustworthy and was chasing old boyfriends around so he never took our marriage seriously and so had lots of affairs etc.
I feel like complete crap over this. There is no closure for me. I was treated horribly (I feel) but he honestly believes it was all my own fault. Please dont tell me to just forget it he is my ex etc, because I cant. I just cannot make sense of it all. Did I create this situation, did my marriage fail because of my "obsession" with exes? I certainly didnt feel obsessed but did like keeping sporadic contact with them because they were my friends much more than exes. Should I just have dumped all these people as soon as I got married? Please be honest with me because I feel really sick at the thought that it is me who is actually responsible for my treatment. Surely he could have left me and not treated me like this? Did I cause this. Please help me see clearly. I cant think about anything else. I am so sad.