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Original poster

New Relationship - thoughts please

27 replies

newbieagain · 28/07/2011 23:51

Background, I separated 3yrs ago, 3 dc's. NM separated 1yr, no dc's. Both his exw & my xh were unfaithful (not with each other). We met over 2mts ago but have spent loads of time together so I feel I now know him quite well & visa versa. I'm the first person he's dated since marriage break up but he feels we have a future & is looking for a serious relationship, marriage etc. I've met all his family. I equally feel there is a good chance we have a future together, we are v compatible & get on v well together. I also feel because of our respective histories we both have a better idea of what type of partner would suit us etc.

I would have always thought previously that I would never introduce anyone to my dc's until we had been dating at least 6mts. However I was finding it increasingly difficult to keep the two worlds apart & ended up throwing caution to the wind last week & he met dc's briefly. They all hit it off fine & it was all done v casually. Dc's have no problem with the idea of me dating & in fact would welcome the idea. I've now agreed to do a day out at w'end with NM & dc's. Am I jumping the gun or do I just go with the flow & enjoy what's there for now without worrying about it all??

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/07/2011 23:55

8 weeks in? Seriously?

squeakytoy · 28/07/2011 23:55

I cant see any problem with that. No rules are "set in stone" and only you know your own kids well enough to know how they will deal with something.

I honestly think that the "too soon" bit is more valid when a couple have split recently, but 3 years is long enough for your kids to have accepted it, and to understand that you will have another relationship at some point.

As he has no children to add to the mix, that will probably make things even easier. Go for it. :)

pictish · 28/07/2011 23:55

Jumping the gun a bit.
2 months is nothing.
I personally don't advise introducing the new man to the kids, as there is stillevery possibility it could all go tits up...not to be negative...just realistic.

You cannot possibly know this man well enough in 2 months to know if he's a stayer or not.

Woah there Ginger!!

squeakytoy · 28/07/2011 23:57

OP isnt going to introduce him as a their new stepfather though, she is including him as a friend and the person their mother is dating.

Doesnt sound like she is moving him in, just going for a day out. What is the harm in that?

GypsyMoth · 29/07/2011 00:00

They are thinking 'marriage' after 8 weeks! So hiding their relationship isn't going to happen is it? Kids are not stupid!! How old are they?

Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:01

Yikes, I agree it does sound jumping the gun however the dc's knew I was dating someone & were v keen to meet him too. My dc's are v secure & I honestly don't see them being affected if it all goes belly up.

OP posts:
colditz · 29/07/2011 00:01

Go for it, it can't hurt, you're introducing him as a date and a friend, not as 'new daddy'.

Introducing too soon is harmful when it's been not enough timesince the separation, but you've been separated 3 years - your children are either too young to know about sex or they are old enough to understand that after 3 years, daddy's not moving back in.

garlicbutter · 29/07/2011 00:02

Not too worried about your DCs, assuming they're old enough to understand about dating and he's not appearing in your kitchen in his boxers at breakfast. I am a bit worried about you, though. He's only been separated for ONE year. Within two months he's talking about a long-term future together and you're feeling the lurve ... Hmm

OK, yours might turn out to be one of the very, very scarce examples of two long-lost souls meeting at last. Allow me to remind you how scarce those are! Much easier to find are men who see "only one woman, with many faces", men who view a woman as a free housekeeper-with-benefits, who cheat and who railroad a lover into early commitment so they don't have to keep up the nice guy act for too long. Just sayin'.

What's the story behind his divorce? When is he getting divorced?

Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:04

ILT, no we're not thinking of marriage but have had discussions to make sure we were both looking for the same thing from a relationship. I would have thought that was standard practice at the start of any relationship.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 29/07/2011 00:05

Well good luck op. Where you off to for the day? Hope it goes smoothly

Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:11

Garlic, thanks & no he won't be appearing in his boxers. I am v familiar with the type of man you describe above & am certain he is not one of these. His divorce will be finialised within a few weeks, I've seen the paper work.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 29/07/2011 00:12

:) Good luck! Have fun (like you need telling ...)

Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:12

Thanks ILT, we're taking the dc's on a boat trip.

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Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:17

Thanks Garlic Smile. I know it might sound dodgy on paper but I guess real life is never black/white. I have no idea what the future holds for us but I honestly do think he's one of the genuine blokes. I study human behaviour so would spot red flags a mile away at this stage I think!

OP posts:
MrsS01 · 29/07/2011 00:20

Newbie - IMO 8 weeks is a bit early, BUT, it depends on circumstances, how you both feel, how you introduce him etc. Who knows whether its best to leave it until you and him are comfortable, then the kids are introduced and it all goes pear shaped, so maybe its best earlier on than later on. Good luck to you x

Pancakeflipper · 29/07/2011 00:23

Date him. Steady on, and date.

Some men just need to have a woman in their lives For sex/ domestic bliss. And not too fussed who. He's probably an absolute darling. But just for your sake have fun but slow down.

Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:23

MrsSo1, yes I kind of came to that conclusion too & have thrown caution to the wind, thanks.

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Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:24

Agree Pancake & thanks for the words of warning.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 29/07/2011 00:33

Just because you study human behaviour doesn't mean you won't be blind to the red flags of a man you're very keen on :)

Go for it, and enjoy it. But just be careful of yourself, OK?

fwiw I think discarding your 6 month rule, which was made when the situation was entirely hypothetical, isn't really throwing caution to the wind. You changed your mind. That's allowed.

Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:42

Ah thanks She & so agree that we can still be blinded to red flags when we're emotionally involved ourselves. Will be threading v cautiously Smile

Dating when you've been through a marriage break up & have dc's to consider is no joke! If I thought about it long enough I'd probably lock myself away with dc's until they were 18 Grin

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 29/07/2011 00:45

I study human behaviour so would spot red flags a mile away
Argh, now I'm worried for you! Hubris, that is. Lose it pronto!
You don't need your studies, you need a good relationship with your gut and with the little voice in the back of your mind. 'Nuff said.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 29/07/2011 00:46

op tbh it depends on the age of your dcs and how their relationship is with their dad and how they've coped with your separation.
have you introduced bf's to them before?

FreudianSlipper · 29/07/2011 00:56

whats the rush

enjoy dating and keep that to yourselves its great fun and if this is going somewhere then this is the time that it will just be about you two. you do not need to be with each other all the time and i would not really be involving the children jsut yet

Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 00:59

Grin Garlic so true! Words of wisdom & wisest thing I've ever learnt is listening to my gut! I ignored that to my own peril in my marriage.

Aserious, dc's are v young, good enough relationship with dad, they've never met a bf before. I've spoke to my xh about it & he agrees & supports my discision to introduce them.

OP posts:
Original poster
newbieagain · 29/07/2011 01:06

Freudian, no rush but dc's are on holls atm & this is an opportunity for a fun day out. I will continue to see him when dc's are with their dad so moving forward dc's will not have much involvement with him for now.

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