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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me this is never going to work

65 replies

KatieScarlettOHooligan · 28/07/2011 21:48

so I can start to let go and move on.

I have been in a relationship with a Sikh guy for 5 years now. I know that we love each other very much, and our relationship in isolation is good. BUT the weight of his community and family disapproval have meant that we have had to be secretive, and he has felt a lot of guilt both for the way I have had to be and the way he's been living. I know realistically that things will not change. We have discussed this so many times. His traditional Punjabi parent's will never accept a white woman as his partner, and his upbringing means losing the respect of his parent's and community would kill him. I know it sounds mad, but culturally it seems very very true.

I know I deserve more rationally, but emotionally I want him and have been prepared to sacrifice a lot of my needs to fit in with his. I guess I'm saying sometimes love just aint enough is it? How can I begin to cut him out of my life? The thought terrifies me, but I know I need to start somewhere and soon. Any tips greatfully received.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 29/07/2011 09:45

Thinking of you today Katie

TheFarSide · 29/07/2011 15:33

Good luck Katie. Let us know how it goes.

carlywurly · 29/07/2011 17:12

God, this is a sad thread. I'm so sorry you're in this situation and hope today goes as well as possible.

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 29/07/2011 22:54

Well I managed to do it. With no dignity whatsoever. I told him this wasn't enough for me anymore and I didn't want us to be a secret. He said OK well I'll tell my family about us. I said great, let's go. He said Oh I can't do it today, my mum..., I didn't even hear the excuse, it was like a switch flicked and I could see myself at 60 still waiting. I told him I loved him and it was breaking me but I had to go. He said I understand, I want to fight for you but that would be unfair if I'm too rubbish to do what you need so I'm going to let you go. I had a slight breakdown, snotted all over him and left with no dignity whatsoever.

Sorry if that doesn't make much sense. Nothing's making much sense at the moment.

I think I've done the right thing, but I feel so very empty and bereft and lonely. I've turned my phone off so I don't accidentally answer his calls or send any terrible texts. I'm not sure what to do with myself

OP posts:
confidence · 29/07/2011 23:26

You have much more dignity than you realise. You've just done a brave and incredibly difficult thing that shows you can see what is really worth nurturing in the long term, and what is strong and valuable in yourself. And you've been willing to endure near-unbearable pain in the short term to do it. That's dignity.

What to do? I would suggest go and be with people who care about you. Do you have friends nearby you can call on, just to go and chat with? That would be better than being alone.

Otherwise, do something quiet, calming and reflective, where you can focus on your inner core. Avoid fragmenting and tension-inducing mass media.

Listen to some great music. Something that is meaningful to you.

Go to the park.

Buy a rail ticket to a seaside destination you don't know very well and take a day trip.

Go somewhere that has interesting unusual shops and poke around for the day.

Go to the zoo. Look at the animals and see how they deal with things.

Visit an art gallery.

Be kind and patient with yourself. It will take time - a lot of time. But you've done the right thing, and you know it.

Keep coming here and say whatever stuff you need to say.

solidgoldbrass · 30/07/2011 00:07

You've done a brave and difficult thing. Well done! In years to come you will be very glad you did it. And please don't think you lost your dignity by crying or being sad. It's not wrong to love someone. It isn't even wrong to love someone that you can't really have, it's just one of those more painful parts of being a human being.
Something else that may comfort you is understanding that you are in fact stronger than him. He doesn't sound like a wicked person, just someone who wasn't strong enough to make the break with his family and culture - and that is a very hard thing to do, as well. His weakness lay really in thinking that it was OK just to carry on seeing you, that 'something' would come up to resolve the situation without him needing to take any action. So he was selfish, ultimately, because he either didn't think about the effect that this long-term limbo would have on you, or decided that what happened to you was less important than the pleasure he was getting from the continued relationship.
There are other men out there, and even if it takes a while to meet a really nice one - or even if you never do find another relationship, that's still better than being someone's long-term dirty secret, living a half-life, unable to move on.
Very best of luck to you.

TheFarSide · 30/07/2011 00:13

Katie - well done - you are much stronger than you know. You made a decision and carried it through. In many ways, the worst is over as you have been living in an emotionally draining situation for a long time. You can now start to get over it. Different things work for different people. I read LOADS of self-help books about relationship breakdowns and did a lot of analysis - I think I was trying to work out what went wrong and avoid it happening again - it did give me some illusion of control over my life though. Confidence has some great ideas - especially go to places that you don't associate with him - it will give you a sense that you can have a life without him. And yes, do keep coming back here as often as you need to.

QuintessentialShadow · 30/07/2011 09:17

Well done. It was the right decision. I echo the others who posted before me, they put it very well.

ChristinedePizan · 30/07/2011 09:20

What sgb said - you've shown enormous strength of character

HairyGrotter · 30/07/2011 16:54

How are you today Katie? You've taken a huge, and brave step, you have not lost any dignity, you have more than most.

Confidence has given some great ideas to aid healing and please look to your friends, family, anyone who can offer support.

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 31/07/2011 22:49

Really thanks for all your messages of support, they've helped a lot.
I've had a really tough couple of days as I think you would have expected, haven't posted because I couldn't articulate what I wanted to say. I veer from a feeling of relief that the charade is over and I set myself free, to a feeling of complete horror that the charade is over and I set myself free.

I have taken some time to myself and went and walked along the beach yesterday, there's something so very soothing about the sea. Today I have mainly tortured myself listening to music, every song has a memory, but I think all the crying was quite cathartic, I felt sort of cleansed. I've arranged to go and stay with my best friend next weekend, she's really the only one I feel I can talk to properly.

I still don't have much confidence in my future, but it's such early days and so very very raw, I'm sure that will change. I am trying to focus on the positives, sometimes it's very hard.

It's funny I feel like I've been in this dark place for aeons, but it's only really been two days.

OP posts:
MidnightsChild · 01/08/2011 16:29

Oh Katie ... well done m'dear in doing what needed to be done. Snotting can't be helped, you love him ... if it was going to be easy to walk away, you'd have done it before.

I hope he is strong enough to let you be, to allow you to get on with your life and not to ask you back. If he does, you know to come here and borrow some strength from us don't you?

You have been in this dark place for longer than two days ... you've been coming to terms with the fact that its not enough for some time and that's a very dark place to be. Keep talking to us - from personal experience there really is a future out there, but you need to allow yourself to grieve your lost love, but more particularly your hopes and dreams of a life together.

More hugs xx

JosieRosie · 01/08/2011 16:43

Wow Katy! I have just read the whole thread and I have to say you are one STRONG LADY! I know that feeling of having your heart ripped out, and in your shoes, I have caved many times in the past. Believe me when I say I lived to regret it!

It sounds like you have absolutely made the right decision. I know it feels like utter hell right now but as you said yourself, you could see yourself still waiting for this man at the age of 60. No-one, no matter how kind and lovely, is worth that. I take my hat off to you for putting yourself first - that is the hardest thing in the world at times like this.

JosieRosie · 01/08/2011 16:44

Sorry, of course I meant Katie Blush

barbiegrows · 02/08/2011 00:16

Great news Katie, I'm so rooting for you. It's an absolute tragedy, but it would be much worse if it went on and on for years without satisfaction. I've never done this so can't think of advice - other than to think of it as a bereavement. You have lost someone, it will hurt, but you will get through it and life has a way of filling the gaps when something is missing.

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