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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me this is never going to work

65 replies

KatieScarlettOHooligan · 28/07/2011 21:48

so I can start to let go and move on.

I have been in a relationship with a Sikh guy for 5 years now. I know that we love each other very much, and our relationship in isolation is good. BUT the weight of his community and family disapproval have meant that we have had to be secretive, and he has felt a lot of guilt both for the way I have had to be and the way he's been living. I know realistically that things will not change. We have discussed this so many times. His traditional Punjabi parent's will never accept a white woman as his partner, and his upbringing means losing the respect of his parent's and community would kill him. I know it sounds mad, but culturally it seems very very true.

I know I deserve more rationally, but emotionally I want him and have been prepared to sacrifice a lot of my needs to fit in with his. I guess I'm saying sometimes love just aint enough is it? How can I begin to cut him out of my life? The thought terrifies me, but I know I need to start somewhere and soon. Any tips greatfully received.

OP posts:
confidence · 28/07/2011 23:29

I really feel for you. It's a bitch of a situation.

But you know the answer.

ImperialBlether · 28/07/2011 23:31

It's almost as though you were seeing a married man, isn't it? You can't meet his family; if you did they would be shocked and appalled. Do you really want that?

Love isn't enough, sometimes. Those people who've been in love with married men have found that. It's just not enough. You need the commitment and the honesty (with everyone around you) and you need the man to stand up, in front of everyone, and say "I love this woman" and for everyone around you to accept that and be happy for you.

It can't happen for you and this man. I'm really sorry.

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 28/07/2011 23:36

OK. I feel uncomfortable too about giving an ultimatum (partly because I fear I know what will happen...don't tell anyone I said that). I hate the idea of forcing a decision, but at some point a decision that is clear and unequivocal has to be made and for me I think that time is probably now. If he doesn't love me enough to make that ultimate choice, then he doesn't love me enough full stop maybe??
At this moment I am just not sure where I will find the courage. I think I have to believe that I am worth more that being some dark secret that can't be shared with those he loves. If he can't choose me then I must choose other than him. I am worth more than that. I certainly couldn't bear to ever be the other woman, but I could imagine how the situation could arise. I shall have to be decisive too.

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 28/07/2011 23:45

I think some distance would help.

I have been in situations where "lovely kind loving" etc men have not committed to me because of some situation or another, and because they've not been absolute bastards, it's been really hard to let go.

HOWEVER, some time down the line, and especially having met a man who was ready to commit to me straight away, no excuses, I don't look back fondly on those earlier men at all. In their way, they were bastards, because they made me very unhappy through their unwillingness to commit.

I would just take a deep breath ... and finish it completely, clean break, no contact. You will be fine, you really will.

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 28/07/2011 23:46

ImperialBlether, I think you hit the nail on the head, that is exactly what I need, that simple open declaration of our love.
I just want to say thanks so much for your time and your wisdom. It's my first real post on here and I was a bit afraid that I'd be ridiculed and made to feel foolish for the situation I've got myself in, but you've all been very empathetic and straight talking and that's helped me clarify what I've actually been thinking for a while now but have been almost too afraid to admit to myself.

I think I must speak to him tomorrow. Five years is a big investment, but it's better than six or ten or twenty without any resolution. The longer I leave it the worse it will be.
I am very afraid and sad.

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 28/07/2011 23:47

Some advice I read in a self-help book once: you've given him control over you - take it back! Don't give him an ultimatum and wait to see what he decides - YOU decide ... to finish it.

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 28/07/2011 23:51

That is a definite problem FarSide. It would be much easier if he'd been a total bastard and I could walk away in wrathful, righteous indignation.
Probably you are right though and there is something not very kind or respectful about coming second all the time. Maybe I should focus on that.

The no contact/clean break thing is very scary. How do we fill a person sized hole? I am dreadful at letting go, but I guess I must for my own sanity and happiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 28/07/2011 23:53

He has always had control. In as much as either of us did. I said that to my friend the other day. She said pretty much what you did. Take it back. Make your choice.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 28/07/2011 23:55

it isn't going to be easy but continuing long term like this isn't going to be easy either. Could you imagine bringing up your joint dc in secret whilst he comes and goes as if you did not exist? Imagine how that wouldbe for your kids

I agree that you should not give an ultimatum. Think about it and tell him in your words you love him and it hurts you to go but it was too painful to stayin that situation and so you are leaving. Going physically away would be a good idea IMO if you can do it.

TheFarSide · 29/07/2011 00:02

Clean breaks are hugely painful, but they allow you to start getting over it.

Hanging on in this awful limbo is potentially worse.

A clean break might shock him into introducing you to his parents and insisting on marrying you. If it doesn't, you need to know so you can get out there and meet someone who wants to be with you.

Not that long after my last clean break, I met someone willing to commit to me and introduce me to family and friends. It was an absolute revelation. You have this to look forward to - the joy of men who are available!

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 29/07/2011 00:02

It would NEVER work with DC would it? Much as in my selfish fantasies I have often imagined them. Poor babes, they wouldn't know where they were at. Just as I now don't.
I won't ask him to choose, I will just be honest and say that although it breaks my heart to leave, it breaks my heart to stay too. This way I give myself a chance to heal and move on. Somehow.

OP posts:
barbiegrows · 29/07/2011 01:14

Katie, taken one step already by doubting your future on here. I honestly think that this won't work. It may work with lots of pushing and pleading and hoping and wishing, but is it worth it?

There will be someone else out there, among the 10 million - OK let's say 5 million - elligible males in this country, who you will be capable of falling in love with and building a future with. You'll never find that man if you're hooked up with someone else.

Never underestimate the value of a supportive extended family. An unsupportive one may make your lives a misery.

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 29/07/2011 08:11

Well today is the day. I think if I don't just do it, I will lose my courage and self belief and begin again on the cycle of excuses and justifications.

It feels like I am about to rip my own heart out, but deep down I know it's the only thing for me to do.

If there's anyone out there please give me a thought today. I need all the help I can get here.

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 29/07/2011 08:20

Good luck KatieScarlett. Everyone is right you know - time for you to take control. Keep courage

sparkle12mar08 · 29/07/2011 08:20

You can do this, you really can. Because it's never going to work if you stay with him under the present conditions. Either he will decide that you are worth more than his family and culture and you will both be fine, or he will decide that he can't be with you, in which case you will be free to rebuild yourself and find a better man.

You win either way by taking back control.

BranchingOut · 29/07/2011 08:20

Good luck - you are doing the right thing.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 29/07/2011 08:26

I was in a relationship with a Muslim man of Syrian descent for two years (I'm British and atheist). He never introduced me to his family or spoke about a future for us together; looking back, I was an idiot. He actually said one evening that we would have to break up as his parents would never accept me and then expected sex that evening Angry. Breaking up with him after realising that there was no future with him was the best move I could have made.

MidnightsChild · 29/07/2011 08:27

Katie, I'm thinking of you and willing you the strength to get through this. I do know how hard it is from personal experience and can tell you that there is a life to be lived on the other side.

The person I loved (and left) was not Sikh, I was kept a secret for other reasons. He got back in touch with me last year as he had terminal cancer. He hadn't changed though ... I was still a secret and he told no one about me, so after he went quiet, I was left to to contact one of his friends for confirmation of his death. His friend was kind, but was a stranger to me and it was the final thoughtless act. Please don't wait till this happens to you.

A very big hug to you for today xx

QuintessentialShadow · 29/07/2011 08:27

If it helps, think of it in this way.
He does not really love you. He loves having you. He loves being with you in secret. But he does not love YOU. If he did, he would not want to keep you in this deadlock of a "love" that can never be open, never lead anywhere. He would let you go. He would let you move on and find somebody you can be happy with. As long as you have your emotions firmly placed with him, you cant move on, cant meet somebody else to settle with, start a family with if you should so wish, etc. He is selfish, not loving.Good luck.

corriefan · 29/07/2011 08:29

Things can't go on as they are, good luck, report back!

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/07/2011 08:32

Thinking of you today Katie - please let us know what happens & best of luck.

Original poster
KatieScarlettOHooligan · 29/07/2011 08:54

Thanks everyone for your support and to theressomethingaboutmarie and MidnightsChild for sharing your oh so relevant stories.

I feel quite resolute although sick and tearful. As my wise old Grandma says; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/07/2011 09:32

Good luck, Katie.

Once you make the decision, you realise that you couldn't have done anything different.

Once you make the decision, he looks at you with new respect.

Once you make the decision, it leaves you free to be happy. Love shouldn't have to be a battle, should it? Would you really want to marry into a family where your partner's happiness was begrudged? No, set yourself free to marry someone equally lovely but who has a family who will love you and welcome you just as you are.

sleepybaby · 29/07/2011 09:34

I rarely post on these threads but I have some slight experience of what you are trying to do. And I wish you luck. My thoughts are with you. Have a plan for sat/sun to meet girlfriends that you can talk laugh and cry with.

SingOut · 29/07/2011 09:45

Good luck, Kate. I think you're doing the right thing and one day will be thankful you made a clean break. Take care.