Think DH and I are splitting up

[KD0706]

I'm quite sad but it's been a long time coming.

We've been together for 13 years, married for 8.

Had DD 15 months ago and he's just never taken to being a dad. We had a Frank chat tonight and he said he feels my world revolves around her and I have no time for him. I think he's quite childish and needed me constantly stroking his ego and now I don't do that so much.

I think he's quite jealous of DD and that's been coming out in dismissive and uninterested attitude towards her, but that's sometimes veered towards being aggressive. When I pull him up on this he gets very angry with me.

The bottom line is we don't bring joy to each others lives anymore. I suggested either trial separation or counselling but he doesn't want either. He just wants to make a clean break.

I adore DD and wouldn't be without her but I can't help wishing we'd done this a couple of years ago before we dragged her into it.

Well he came home and grunted sufficient to tell me he didn't resign today. DD wanted his attention but he paid no attention and when I told him he said he wasn't interested.
I'm toying with going to stay with my mum. But all my friends and DDs activities are here plus I'd quite like to hang around to sort things out, even if that just means us having a proper chat and deciding exactly how to go forward.

Can I be a total flake and ask people's opinions on whether I should go to my mums for a few days. It's about 120 miles away

Well, you can, and I'm happy to be an obliging busybody , but only you in your gut know what the right thing for you to do is.

When did the idea of staying with your mum come up, and who from?

Nobody suggested going to my mums. I just thought it. I wondered if DD would be happier, I wonder if she picks up on the fact that her dad is in a mood, and like tonight when she crawled up to him smiling and he ignored her.

But then going to my mums feels like running away and I don't wan to run away. I want to resolve things one way or another

And in reply to your question, I would say go:

• if you need a break and a breather away from the stress
• if your mum is a good sounding board for your current worries

Well, sounds like your gut says go, then.

Rather than seeing it as running away, maybe having some time off could help you better tackle the issues that need resolving, after a bit of a break, a think and a breather. Definitely no harm in happier DD either!

KD0706 I'm always feeling chary about somebody moving out of the family home. Can you trust him to let you back in without hassles?

I think if he wants a clean break, HE moves out. Why on earth do you need to? If you think he's trustworthy and you can go for a change of scene (and mum cuddles!) then go for it - but only if you can honestly be confident about getting back into the family home.

Good luck. There are some wise heads on MN, keep posting and they will get you through this.

Oh well. I am going to my mums.
DH and I just had a heart to heart. I actually think he might be a bit depressed. But he refuses to see a doctor. He is also again refusing to go to counselling as he says he's not willing to talk to a stranger.

He said he feels he's a crap father. But instead of doing something about it he's choosing to walk away (that last bits mine not his comment)

I don't pay him enough attention, don't ask how his day was. He feels he's just a hinderance in the house. He doesn't know DDs routine and I 'spring' things on him by saying suddenly that she needs a nap or a meal. Were just back from a weekend with his family and apparently I was out of order for ensuring she was in bed by 9ish each night.

I can see that there might be merit in me working on some of his points. But he's not willing to work on any of mine. Nor does he think the marriage is worth working on.

I've come to bed because I just feel I'm flogging a dead horse.

I said maybe we'd split and he'd realise he missed me and DD and then at that point maybe we could work on things. But he said he knows he won't miss us.

"he said he knows he won't miss us."

Oh wow, that's a terribly cruel thing to say.

I'm sorry you're going through this KD. Hope the time at your mum's will be good for some emotional R&R.

Take care of yourself and your daughter x

You can only do so much when someone is unwilling to participate in anything like counselling. He does sound rather depressed but at the same time pretty self-absorbed and completely engrossed in feeling sorry for himself. It seems like he has an all or nothing thing going on where he's decided that if you split up he'd rather just leave you and your child and carry on being miserable rather than work on anything.

Hi PhilipJFry
I think he is being fairly self obsessed. I also think that he's so down that he kind of wants to punish himself by pushing his family away. I'm not deluding myself that there are no problems in our relationship. I just mean that he's cutting off his nose to spite his face.

Who knows what will happen in the long run, but at the moment if he refuses to even try to work out our issues I really don't see what I can do.

I do feel bad because he's right I have been distant from him etc but I think it's a vicious circle. He does nothing with DD and leaves me to do it all. I feel knackered and resentful and less inclined to be attentive to him. So he gets cross and grumpier with DD and does less with her.

I'm feeling like such a failure.

You are not a failure at all. You are a strong woman who has been trying to keep everything together....for your daughter and for your DH. It really isn't healthy that your DH is expressing his anger and frustration outwardly about his daughter (even though toddlers can push all these buttons)...she's only 15 months old and quite frankly she should be the focal point of the family right now. He really needs to get over himself and he needs to be more accountable as a husband and as a parent. But clearly it seems beyond him.

He is screwing up royally at the moment and if he thinks that giving up on his family will fix his dissatisfaction with his own life, he has a rude awakening ahead of him. By the time he's lost you and his DD, he will realize that he was the problem all along and by then it will be too late. Eventually he may find himself sitting across a table from a woman having to justify why he made all these poor decisions in his life...and it won't be you, it will be his grown daughter.

I'm sorry to be melodramatic but I really have no sympathy for your DP. I think he should either take action for his own unhappiness, get counseling/see a doctor, stop blaming the people around him, orget the hell out give you and your daughter space to heal and move forward in life. You'll be better off either way and your DD will get to grow up with a supportive, loving parent and NOT with a parent who is toxic and who resents her. You and your daughter deserve more. I wish you lots of strength and luck.

KD - has it occurred to you that he is having an affair? This would explain so much, I'm afraid.

I don't think he is having an affair though of course I could be wrong.
I'm not sure I even care much if he is.

Do you have any time where it is just the two of you as two adults - eg when DD is in bed having a nice meal, chatting over a drink /night out leaving dd with babysitter? I think it is important to have some "couple time" on a regular basis - as well obviously as sharing time with dcs.

No we don't really do that amothersplaceisinthewrong
I agree that it's something we should have done. But we didn't and I think it's maybe too late now.

DH doesn't seem to want to work on things and I'm already coming round to the idea of us going our separate ways. I'm sad about it and worried about the practicalities but if he can't be bothered fighting for or working at our relationship, I'm not sure I can either

...sorry to read all this,, some men in my opinion are total shite with babies around... My ex husband was like this and in the end after 6 yrs of being parents we split up.. it swas sad but he was just so awful at the father thing...
try and work at it if you can,,, cos in a few years when your DD is at school the dynamics will shift again and you can try and nuture your relationship again. /he need sot mature and realise that having babies takes up all your time and he should get involved in this busy hectic childcare time , instead of sulking and waiting for you to take the initiative with all the parenting.
He will regret it one day if you split,, he will want (hopefully) a special bond with his DD. Daughters need a Dad , Take it from me, my DD (20 yrs) has suffered cos her dad was so rubbish and not there for her.

I need to say, things dont get better! At least they didnt for me. It was like having 3 children. My (hopefully soon to be ex) OH is incredibly jealous of our daughter, he treats her appallingly. He blames her for the fact that I no longer want to be his mother! For the fact that I am not prepared to be bullied any longer! I cant wait to get out of this relationship. I should have done it years ago!

Stick to your guns. He should be doting on his daughter, if he isnt now, I doubt he ever will :(

He absolutely right.

He is a shit father.

Ignoring and yelling at a small toddler is abusive.

He is taking his teenage strop out on a baby.

You need to make the break. Your DD needs you to make the break.

You've offered the only possible solution here - counselling, but he just wants to bully you into accepting that he is the most important member of the household.

He's made his choice. Time to leave.

I'm in a similar(ish) situation. DS is 15 mo as well, and the whole thing is crap, isn't it? My DH also pulls the "it's so hard for men" card, but I don't buy this crap. It was f*ing hard for me as well, and I learnt to be a mother, didn't I?

I'm probably not much help for you right now, but I have no sympathy for this sort of thing atm.

We are both away from family and I don't know what will happen if we decide to split, but he at least is going to counselling.

I think going to your mum's is a good plan, you'll be able to think more clearly there, with someone being nice and protective to you, for a change.

And regardless of what you decide, I think you should try to work out what is underlying the problems in your relationship.

I wish I knew what to do myself...

Best of luck

Are you having sex? That's often what this "not paying me any attention" is all about.

Yes whatmeworry we actually had a fairly decent sex life (I think) for the parents of such a young child. Probably a couple of times a week.
I don't think he has been as neglected as he's making out.

I do think that we (or I) could have made more effort to do things as a couple and chat more. But it's not like we never did those things. I think he just misses being number one in my life. And there's not much I can do about that.

If he loved DD more then I think he could probably cope better with the third person in our marriage. But I don't think he's ever properly bonded with her. We had a hard start. She was premature, almost died, we were told she had brain damage and would be v disabled (she us so far proving the doctors wrong)

I know all this was hard on him too but if he won't even try to address these underlying issues I feel there's nothing I can do.
And to hear somebody compare the way he behaves towards her to abuse really brings it home to me that I need to protect dd from this if DH won't address it.

So, so sad

Did he want a baby?

I'm also in a fairly similar situation, dh has left saying he loves me and the dcs but struggles to be part of our family and needs some space to sort himself out. He is also depressed/having a bit of a crisis and is seeing a psychotherapist at my behest to try and process his ambivalence around the dcs, which stems from difficulties in his own childhood.

However, he does love them and is very loving towards them - if he had behaved towards them as your dh is doing then I would have told him fuck right off. Listen to what he is telling you, that he doesn't want to be a husband and father, that he's not interested in being a good father or having a good relationship with his dd and that he is basically a selfish and immature twat. I'm really not trying to make you feel guilty but what do you think it's going to do to your dd to grow up with a dad who neglects her and is aggressive towards her, and a mum that just makes excuses for him and tries to keep the peace. The rejection she will feel when she approaches him and blanks her again and again will be so damaging.

I know you love him and you want your marriage to work but he is bahaving shockingly badly. I know it's scary being on your own with a child but seriously, you will be ok. I promise. You will be able to concentrate on being a mum and on being you, without having to subjugate yourself to please dh too. And if he is leaving, make sure he pays you the maintenance you're entitled to.

Hi everybody. Thanks for all your input. And for all the lovely handholding especially ItsMeAndMyPuppy I thought I'd pop on with an update.

To cut a long story short I've said I'll give things another shot. I think DH expected me to weep and insist we get back together but instead I went to my mums and told him that if he decided to work on our relationship and also his relationship with dd then he should let me know.

He phoned the first night I was at my mums in tears promising to change and go to counselling and asking me to go home ASAP. I stayed another couple of days at mums then went home. We have had lots of chat and he swears he will change and we're going to sort out counselling on Monday.

I am maybe being a twit to go back but I've never seen him so remorseful before and I just feel I owe it to all of us including dd to give things another shot. I've told him what I expect from him and said if he treats dd again the way he has done in the past I will be out of there sharpish.
If he reverts back to his old ways, and then does the remorse again, I'll know it's just words. But like I say this is the first time he's ever accepted respondibity, agreed to counselling etc. I just feel it's worth giving it a shot and even if we do split in the future I will know I've done everything I can.