How do I explain to DCs that they won't be going on holiday inschool hols?

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

Basically I just can't afford or physically cope on my own with taking them to the seaside for a holiday.

Feel so bad about this as their friends at school and pre-school have all been talking about where they will be going on their hols. DS1 is desperate to go to Disneyland as his best friend is going, but I just cannot do this on my own.

Have written up a timetable for the next 6 weeks with days out to park and cinema and swimming (with a bit of help from their grandma), and will be royally knackered at the end of school break, but still feel bad when I see the dissapointment on their faces at thought of no sea or beach.

Can't the older two kids be your extra paoir of hands? The 9 y\o totally could!

you just sound completely & utterly fed up. Have an un-MN hug. ((((NRLS))))

We are camping in the garden this weekend... can you do something like that?

DDs are 13 and 18. They have been on 3 holidays in their life. Holidays are not a necessity, and your oldest is old enough to understand why you will not be having one.

Why are you "allowing" your DH to get away with doing bugger all for his own kids. And why hasn't HE moved out?

I would be DEMANDING from your DH that he gives you more of a break. If you live in the same house, presumably you are at least civil - so couldn't he accompany you to swimming pool and be put in sole charge of the youngest child while you have the older two. - I do think 3 kids in a pool is too many unless they can swim. Our pool has a 1 adult to 2 kids ratio.

Think your ideas fo rthe hols are great - I always had a summer holiday timetable when mine were little.

Oh and DH should be taking all three kids for a weekend so you can have some me time.

Do you need to go into long explanations about why they are not getting a holiday; to me just a simple" we are not going on holiday this year but will have lots of fun" is enough explanation for kids.....

They broke up from school last week, and every day so far they have asked "where are we going tommorrow?" I have explained to them that I don't have the money to take them out every day.
We went on a free multi sport course yesterday, but the people running it left after an hour as there were not enough children to make it worthwhile continuing. DCs were dissapointed and I had to explain that it was not my fault.
Have promised them a picnic tommorrow at a park a few miles away, so that should be nice....if I can stop youngest doing his great escape routine.

LOL at DH moving out. He would never do that. I have offered him the opportunity to come swimming too as it would make it easier all round, but he made some excuse about not having any swimming trunks, so I let it go.

I would like him to spend more time with them but he always has other more intersting stuff to do, such as golf, or football.

"I have offered him the opportunity "
"I would like him to spend more time with them"

There's your mistake. Don't "offer" or even "ask." TELL him he has to step up and take responsibility for his children. If he has a day spare for golf, then he has time for them. You're being too nice.

Oh believe me Clam, I have given him the hairdryer treatment a few times regarding this over the past few years. It just seems to go straight through though.
In fact, his attitude towards being a husband and a father was the catalyst for our split.

I have read loads of threads on MN where someone claims their DH is a lousy husband...but he's a fantastic dad.

I'm afraid, in his case, my DH was a crap father and a crap husband, no redeeming features.
If he HAD been a great dad I may have been able to overlook the problems we had as a couple, but, sadly, he just didn't get this.

My ds is just thrilled not to have to go to school (even though he loves it). I've organised all sorts, but all he wants to do is mooch at home and hang out with me, and his dad.

We never went on holiday as children, and I never felt particularly deprived. A park, friends, and a corner to read a book in was enough for me.

What would happen if when he was in the house off work in the holidays you just walked out for the afternoon, leaving him with the 3 DC....

We are doing a travelodge for a couple of nights. Feeling a bit ratty so forgive my bluntness. Camping is not cheap if you don't have all the stuff needed and sometimes pitches are more expensive than travelodges so I don't always get the quick trip away.

I'm happy to be around home and do all the things we don't have time to do because of school. The kids are less ratty because they don't have the demands of school so hopefully we can just enjoy what we have around us, walks, family and loads of other stuff.

It does amaze me that a lot of people that are going away take the tone that you're not going away because you can't afford it but sometimes we choose different ways to spend our money etc.

I think OP that the real problem here is that you are desperately unhappy living under the same roof as your dh. You say that you are separated but that you can't move out and he won't. Have you taken legal advice? You can't go on like this for ever.

Bite the bullet and get some courage up to do a drive to the seaside, OP!! I was horrendously nervous about motoways and went on them about twice in twelve years!! I avoided them (or driving anywhere far, really) all that time. A couple of weeks ago I decided enough was enough and that I would drive down to brighton to see my friend for the weekend, and you know what? It was fine. I went on three, didnt even stay in the slow lane! I would go as far as to say I even enjoyed it!! However I didnt have the kids with me, but I think it still would have been ok. The thought of driving to these places really is worse than actually just doing it....go on, be brave, you will be so proud of yourself if you do!

OP cant MAKE her husband look after the kids. Hes a grown man. If he has chosen not to, there is nothing she can do about it

Agree with zookeeper.

Sounds like you have a lovely summer planned for them tbh.

enjoy it!

And when you've got some legal advice here's my advice to get you through the next six weeks; (I'm single skint and have three aged 9, 7 and 5) until you can get him to leave;

really try to focus on the positive and what you can do on your own with them, rather than saying that you can't drive, can't afford things, can't go to disneyland. Anyway, who'd want the stress of taking three away alone? YOu can have far more fun and an easier time at home

Try to get them out of the house every day, even if it's to the local park. Pack a picnic that they can help you make.

force yourself into that car and drive every day, even if it's for a short distance; if you're going to end up as a single parent you'll need to be able to drive . You passed your test so you can do it.

Perhaps invest in some cheap scooters and take then all out each day - the novelty will take a while to wear off and wil be a lot cheaper than disneyland!

Do you have any friends with young dcs? Could you meet them in the park or plan something together/ Or invite some of your dc's friends around to play and vice versa to give you a break.

Do you have a garden? You could get a cheap paddling pool, balloons and sand etc for the two young ones.

Could you start to let the 9 year old stay at home alone for an hour or two whilst you do something with the other two? My 9 year old loves this but he is quite mature

Decide on a bedtime for them and stick to it; otherwise you will get worn out. Perhaps you can get your dh to sit when they are in bed so you can go for a swim/walk etc. Expect nothing from him so that if he does help it's a bonus

Seek out other lone parents in your area and try to make plans with them to do things

Stock up on Dvds/books/pens and colouring books from charity shops

Try to stop comparing yourself to people who you perceive to be happier/better off than you - everyone has problems, they may be heavily in debt for all you know.

Make doing things cheaply a bit of a challenge and an adventure and try to take pleasure in smaller treats , such as an icecream or fish and chips in the park. If you are positive your dcs will be.

oo and I forgot camping in the garden!

Follow the Disreali principal, dont apologise, dont explain, just tell:

'Kids, we arent going away this summer. Instead, we are doing: X, Y, Z'

Divide and rule is always good. Depending on your DCs interests, the library can be an amazing place over the summer. I know that ours has lots of activities on.

As others have said. Get driving, you are going to need it.

We had to cancel our summer holiday this year. Apparently I was surplus to requirements. DCs didnt bat an eyelid. Instead we are planning a lot of days out. We have joined English Heritage (Tesco vouchers!). We will be using this to get as much free entry as is humanly possible.

Be positive and have a great summer.

I echo Zookeeper, you're in a rut with your lazy ex still under the roof. Probably one of the big reasons for the kids asking every day where they are going or seeming dissatisfied is just them picking up on, and trying to deal with, the tension(in a child's way). What do you want to do about this? Do you want him to go? If so, there are ways and means, and the lawyer would be a great start. Sounds like you need a confidence boost.

Thankyou for your replies, there are some great ideas coming along from you all.

I think I just have to relax and try to not think what DCs are missing out on, but to concentrate on what we can all do together (minus DH).

Yes, I do have to become more confident at driving, as I'm only used to going local areas, so must push myself in that respect.

We do go to the library quite a lot as I am passionate about reading so am trying to get DCs into it more.

Agree I can't make DH spend time with DCs, but am a great believer in what goes around comes around. They may accept his indifference now but when they are older I think they will make their own minds up about him.

Yes, I have sought legal advice. Solicitor told me best thing was to stay put (like I have a choice), but it is hard. Although it's great not to have that pressure of having to perform in bed anymore.

I am slowly showing DH that his behaviour does not get to me anymore, eg, his constant texting which I think he used to do just to wind me up. I used to make comments about it when we were 'together'. Now I just ignore it, which I think bugs him deeply.
He is now constantly making jokes whenever the phone rings such as 'oh that must be your new boyfriend'. I just smile and say 'yes, it might be'.

It is all a bit snipey, but I can't afford to leave, so I will put up with it for the DCs.

What do you think would happen if you left the DC in the house when your XH is there and just went out? Would he harm them, is he such an irredeemably selfish prick that he would do something like leave the 9 year old in charge and vanish? If not, you might find you felt better for having an hour or so's escape (not that you don't love your DC or anything but having a little time for yourself is going to help you feel more positive.)
Also, did the solicitor advise you to stay put indefinitely, or is it a matter of waiting for a court order wrt who leaves and who stays?

I have left DCs at home with DH, but not for more than 20 mins whist I nip to shop for bread, etc. He wouldn't hurt them, but he would ignore them! As soon as I walk back in the house they ask me for a drink, toilet, etc. They just seem to know that asking DH is pointless, he will be too busy watching TV and making a DH sized shape on sofa.
I just don't trust him to do the small, but important things.

Your plans sound great

Last year on one of our camping trips I asked dcs if they prefered Disney or camping, they both said camping. Hard to believe I know but they meant it and still feel that way. They're 10 and 13 though.

Hope you all have lots of fun.

kids dont compare the fun they are having with the fun they are not having;

they would never think, 'oh we are having a lovely time at the park/swimming/having a picnic, but it would be so much better if we were at Disneyland'