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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

31 replies

skettle · 29/11/2005 23:10

Looking for honest opinions on this one so dont hold back! lol

Basically this year will be the first christmas that I spend on my own with my two sons, I do have a partner (read the other thread! lol) and he is coming down on christmas day but says he needs to leave early as he has to spend time with his family, by this he means his mum and grandad etc.

He knows I dont want to spend the day on my own and he see's his family all the time (he still lives with his mum!) yet I only see him once a fortnight, I just thought he'd want to spend the day with us

Its also left me wondering...will he always have to run back home at christmas to be with his mum?? (his parents are still together so its not as if she's on her own).

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
colditz · 29/11/2005 23:11

If your partner hasn't been with you very long, and your kids are not his kids, then yes, sorry, I think you are being selfish.

moondog · 29/11/2005 23:12

Isn't this the bloke that you worried was too nice..the one you wanted to toughen up a bit??

MistressMary · 29/11/2005 23:13

What would he say if you wanted to invite them down for xmas?

Original poster
skettle · 29/11/2005 23:16

Moondog, I dont think that was my post...

MistressMary, she wouldnt come I don't think, apparantly it's tradition that they all go to his grandads house.

Colditz, we've been together for about 7 months which I suppose isnt long really. Thanks for being honest

OP posts:
moondog · 29/11/2005 23:16

No hang on..getting confused..
Is this the bloke who passes out at Christmas dos??

Original poster
skettle · 29/11/2005 23:17

oops, moondog and mistress, got your posts mixed up!

OP posts:
Caligyulea · 29/11/2005 23:17

I think for a 7 month relationship, it's still early days for hte christmas thing.

You could invite him for boxing day?

Original poster
skettle · 29/11/2005 23:18

no moondog! LOL I dont know who you're refering to...

OP posts:
colditz · 29/11/2005 23:18

Am glad it is on internet, it's a very hard thing to say to someone, isn't it!

bourneville · 29/11/2005 23:18

I have a boyf been with for nearly 3 years, other than that I'm a single mum. I would never expect him to spend xmas with me, we are very much independent. (It may be a different story if we ever "settled down" together "properly".) I did invite him this year because there was a possibility his parents were going to be away, but turns out they're not. I don't mind. Although, I am spending xmas with quite a few of my family so not alone...

Also, tbh, there is no way I am giving up the family christmas yet and i turn 30 next month! Maybe he's not ready to either... Plus, it sounds like a good compromise if he's coming for a bit.

bourneville · 29/11/2005 23:20

Have caught up with message. ..7months... yes def bit soon to expect xmas together.

Original poster
skettle · 29/11/2005 23:21

Ok, I admit defeat, I am being selfish lol

which brings me to my next question...have any of you ever spent christmas evening/night on your own? Bournville, is this something you do every year? if so, what's it like?

OP posts:
Socci · 29/11/2005 23:25

Message withdrawn

bourneville · 29/11/2005 23:25

Sorry I wasn't clear. I am still spending every Christmas with my family which means staying at my mum's. The 1 year that I couldn't was cos I was ill and they went away to stay at my nan's. I was with my ex at the time & spent Christmas with him but I was so miserable even though he was there!

So I do really feel for you, but I'm afraid I just disagree that you should expect boyf to spend it with you! Sorry !

I expect if you (and same with me) ever "settle down" with this boyf he won't necessarily running back to his mum's every xmas...although older parents I know do say xmas is tricky for the family reason.

bourneville · 29/11/2005 23:25

What's the other thread skettle?

colditz · 29/11/2005 23:27

Dp works every single Christmas, have spent it without him always.

moondog · 29/11/2005 23:28

Sorry skettle! Getting confused....

I think the separate Christmas thing persists these days partly due to people living together as opposed to marrying and/or being less willing to compromise.

Just been having a laugh with my aunt tonight about a distant male relative and his very long term gf who both go 'home' separately.

They are 44 and 46!

Original poster
skettle · 29/11/2005 23:28

The other thread was "getting sick of it all", its a bit further down.

Colditz, does it bother you spending it on your own?

(thanks socci )

OP posts:
colditz · 29/11/2005 23:30

Erm, well if I didn't want to spend it on my own I would have to insist dp didn't work, as he is a chef. I quite often work Christmas as well, as I am a care assistant, but have managed to wriggle out of it this year so will have a couple of hours with dp.

moondog · 29/11/2005 23:34

Ahyes,memory refreshed now.
Skettle......be glad that you have some time away from him(and maybe make giving him the boot your New Year's resolution????)

bourneville · 29/11/2005 23:38

Oh jee yes i've read it before. Thing is, those are kind of separate issues.

I would be VERY concerned about the money thing but i don't think it has anything to do with christmas.

BadHair · 29/11/2005 23:40

I often have Christmas without dp too, as he runs a home for young offenders. He does have this Christmas off (yipeee) but worked last year on Christmas eve, day and boxing day.
I hate the years he works as I feel that we've lost something that horrible young offenders have gained - that because of their misdememeanours we lose out. Selfish, yes, but unavoidable.

Socci · 29/11/2005 23:59

Message withdrawn

colditz · 29/11/2005 23:59

I always feel jealous on Christmas day, as there is no reason why the lazt tw@ts, who ensure he has to go to work, cannot cook their own bloody dinner.

I feel like marching into the place, waving ds under their noses, and shouting

"Because you are too lazy to shove your own bloody turkey in the oven, my little boy has not yet seen his daddy today. He is waiting for Daddy to get home before he opens his presents, so hurry up, eat your dinner, and go home where you should be on Christmas Day^!!!!!"

MeerkatsUnite · 30/11/2005 07:06

Skettle,

You want honest opinions - okay here's mine. I particularly like the "I do have a partner (read the other thread! lol" - the humour is misplaced. Your situation is not at all amusing in the slightest either for you and particularly your children.

Purely based on what you ahve written on the other thread of yours this guy is taking you (amongst others)for a fool and you're letting him do this to you. You need to ask yourself why.

What has he brought to the relationship exactly apart from giving you a load of grief?. This is a man who sponges off you amongst other things. You going to pay for his fare to visit you?.

You sound both lonely and vulnerable hence him being able to pick up on this and hone in on you.
What will it take for you to see the wood for the trees?.

You were given good counsel on the other thread of yours - I would suggest you re-read it.

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