Am I being selfish?

[skettle]

Looking for honest opinions on this one so dont hold back! lol

Basically this year will be the first christmas that I spend on my own with my two sons, I do have a partner (read the other thread! lol) and he is coming down on christmas day but says he needs to leave early as he has to spend time with his family, by this he means his mum and grandad etc.

He knows I dont want to spend the day on my own and he see's his family all the time (he still lives with his mum!) yet I only see him once a fortnight, I just thought he'd want to spend the day with us

Its also left me wondering...will he always have to run back home at christmas to be with his mum?? (his parents are still together so its not as if she's on her own).

Am I being selfish?

kick him to the kerb girl

skettle,

you are most definately not selfish!! do not invite him to stay with you again until he has got the message that he cannot sponge off someone who is on their own with children while he has only himself to think about WTF does he think hes playing at! Tell him until he can pay his own way and part of yours at times then he is not welcome as you are not his keeper! good luck and do let us know how you are dont mean to sound harsh im only thinking of your children who deserve the best at christmas and if your spending your money on this lowlife then its money that could be better spent on something else imo, we're skint and my sister said dont get her a xmas pressie because even if its only a fiver its a fiver that my kids aren't getting and she'd rather they had it iyswim so just think like that every penny he takes from you is something extra you could be spending on your kids or on yourself as having been a single mum myself a while ago i know that you deserve it too!! (kick him to the kerb and buy yourself some nice xmas pressies or a nite out with the girls or extra pressies for the kids the way their faces wil light up will give you more pleasure than he can im sure)

Hi everyone,

I feel quite bad today, he phoned earlier on after having being on a shopping spree buying my boys a load of stuff for christmas . He got paid yesterday and has said that he will pay half towards a christmas meal for us all next weekend and is also planning to buy me a new outfit.

I do think I have been harsh on him, thing is, when he has the money he is so generous with it...its just that it's rare that he does have the money!

I still don't think it would be wise for us to move in together but I do think I have been harsh towards him. He is silly with money (and is planning to buy a new xbox next year after we discussed saving for a holiday!) but I suppose if he's used to being on his own and only ever having himself to pay for it will take him time to adjust to dealing with a family set-up.

i think its nice hes buying you things but i still think you need to be careful and only let him come to you when he's not going to drain your finances as its not fair on the kids and maybe it will teach him to budget better if he wants to see you so badly he'll make sure he can afford it, just say you dont expect him to be loaded and treat you all the time but if he comes down he has to be able to pay his way and paying the fare doesnt make it equal after all you are suppling the basics i.e. roof over his head, heating, elec etc.

My dp was 19 when i met him and was used to being a student with no money but when he did get money he blew it he also lived with his parents i was 19 with a 2yr old dd and he moved in with us just as a friend i didnt expect him to take care of us i didnt take care of him although if one had more than the other we would share but i would always make sure my dd got whatever she needed first but it wasn't like i was loaded, i had no money at all to give him infact i was falling behind with the bills this went on for a few months and i was served an eviction notice for the flat i was living in (i was in a bit of a state and hadnt long come out of an abusive relationship just in case anyone is judging)

We decided to get another place together but his mates told me that if i got together with him and lived with him "properly" that he wouldnt support us they were wrong he quickly learnt that bills were important, he had seen the state id got into and decided if we were doing it properly then he would make sure the bills were paid and i made sure there was food anyway to cut an already long story short we have been together 4 years now and its going really well he earns a very decent wage and im on maternity leave with our 2nd child so things can turn around but only if he wants to change i never encouraged my partner to change his ways with money infact it was him who said we needed to budget properly now neither of us blow money and are quite careful we even had a savings account (i never would have done that before i met him) and we have paid into it every month for 2 years now.

Good luck with yours i really hope he does change but i would def make sure he only comes down when he has enough money to help out

My dp and I met in September 2000 - he was working in Brussels -
I lived in Cambs with my 6 yr old ds
Dp spent xmas 2000 with us and then drove us 200 miles to spend boxing day and night with his family ds included.
I had only met them once, but it was lovely.

Socci - i agree that if he's going to move in he's got to realise how serious it all is etc. But they've only been together 7 months and aren't living together yet. Like I said, I've been with my boyf for 3 years, we're still not living together & v independent and I would never expect him to spend christmas with me.
Although, it's more like the other way round - when I heard his parents might be away I worried that he would ask if we could spend xmas day together the 3 of us, I would have had to say no I'm not ready for that, I want to spend it with my family. Instead what I did was invite him to be with my family.

What I'm clumsily trying to say is that I feel very uncomfortable about pressurising a partner to do something they don't want to do. I think because it might lead to resentment etc, and also it might be something to do with the fact that I have an inkling that my own dad was unhappy for years and is also still controlled a lot at home in many ways (though they have a happy marriage generally now) because he always does what he thinks he ought to be doing. I am determined not to be in a relationship like that, either way round... I would prefer both to be in a relationship because they are happy - and happy to compromise of course. But not resentful or pressurised.

or perhaps i'm just a commitment phobic myself! ;)