Need some honest advice - DH is suicidally depressed and I had no idea

[pseudonomic]

I have namechanged. Some of you know the first bit. Please do not out me.

DH suddenly left me. We'd had a few rows but nothing major. 24 hours later we talked and talked and talked some more. It's taken a week but the situation has been emerging.

He's depressed - I knew this. But he revealed to me tonight he's thought about suicide many times over the last few years. I had no idea it was that bad.

We're going to RELATE - starting next week. He says they will be able to get him some help. I want him to go to his GP on Monday because I'm really scared for him now. :( He's always pooh-poohed me saying he was depressed but he's now agreeing.

He's not sleeping well, we are living apart, but he's seeing me and the kids every day. He's coping reasonably well with the day to day but he's just flat all the time. He will smile for a moment but it's fleeting.

I don't know anything about depression really. I've always been a really up sort of person. I've had bad times and been down obviously but never anything more than a couple of hours of misery you know?

I have absolutely no idea what to do to help him. Or what he should do to get help.

People round me are saying I should not be with him because he walked out on us but from my point of view, he's mentally ill. I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer and it made him unable to live normally, why would I leave him if he has a problem with his brain which made him act irrationally?

I don't know what I'm asking here really, other than some reassurance that it's good that he's acknowledged this problem. I don't know how to deal with it at all though

Sorry, that looks a bit thick - I mean, it looks helpful to me - I hope the OP finds it helpful too.

:)

It is very good that he has acknowledged that he needs help, that is the first tentative step towards getting well again. But he really does need to see a GP and get an official diagnosis and hopefully some treatment.

Sometimes you don't even notice how low you've sunk and how depressed you are until getting out of bed in the morning becomes as challenging an idea as running a marathon is for a 'normal' person. So if it has crept over him gradually it isn't surprising that you didn't notice immediately just how bad he was feeling. You often don't notice gradual changes in people you are closest too.

I know that I plodded on for years feeling alternately miserable, and totally unable to really be bothered with anything because it was all so futile, and occasionally idly contemplating how much easier it would be to be dead. Nothing dramatic and no 'I can't possibly carry on!' sort of moments or real suicidal intent, just a quiet feeling that life wasn't really that great and it wouldn't be so bad if it was all over and I could stop crawling on and on through this thick bland pointless mud of existence. But I don't think anyone knew just how drained and sad I was feeling until I finally had a break down and admitted that I couldn't cope.

There isn't much you can really do for someone with depression. Quiet un-judgy support and being there if/when they want you is about all you can do. You can't fix his depression any more than you could fix a tumor or other disease. He has to want to be treated and then accept what medical professionals offer him to hopefully help him get well.

As for medication. It can be a great help, it can be only semi-helpful, or if you've been prescribed something that disagrees with you it can be a nightmare.

I was given Prozac at first and it made me worse. I was sleeping 20 hours a day and having hallucinations. To this day I have no idea if some of my 'waking dreams' were real or not and I have substantial memory gaps. The doctor quickly realised though that it didn't agree with me and I got given Zoloft instead and I felt the fog slowly lift and 'normality' returned. I wouldn't say I was a happy-go-lucky person now, but I don't feel like I'm drowning or lost anymore, and it takes quite a bit to drag me down and although I still haven't figured out what the 'point' is I'm not having a bad time on the ride.

As for alcohol intake - he will probably have to stop drinking if he starts taking ADs because they react with alcohol... no actually, they really react with alcohol.

I had two small glasses of wine once while taking mine (It was Christmas Eve and I decided it wouldn't hurt ) I vaguely remember falling over (like a felled tree I am told) and then nothing. I missed Christmas. I woke on on Boxing day feeling like hell with no memory of anything after I hit that floor.

Best of luck with dealing with it all. It may be HIS depression but that doesn't mean you don't need help dealing with it too. Look after yourself x

Really great post, GB.

Speaking from the other side of the equation -- there is nothing as likely to provoke massive feelings of alienation and deep frustration as a partner mentioning suicidal thoughts. Don't beat yourself up about this. His depression is not your fault and you cannot cure it.

exH spent years peppering his conversations and remarks about others with words like weak and strong. Weak meant admitting problems and seeking help. Strong meant essentially lashing out at people who loved him, to the point where all hope of remaining married was gone. Strong meant drinking until he fell asleep on the living room floor many nights. Strong meant exercising maniacally and depriving himself of food in search of some sort of high, some feeling of being in control, of being superior in his Spartan way and therefore Not Weak. Strong meant desperately keeping up a facade.

He still blames me for 'driving him to the brink of suicide'. (Along with blaming me for every little thing that went wrong in our home and relationship). I came to realise that a great deal of what he said to me when he descended into rage and criticism was in fact aimed at himself. He spent a lot of our marriage talking to himself, in other words.

It wasn't all depression with him. Blaming and hiding can be part of depression, but with exH there was a large dose of something else too (personality disorders and terminal self absorbtion and self hatred, plus huge Mother issues, not to mention he is deeply closeted gay or bi). Hard to know where the depression ended and the rest kicked in.

If he won't go to the GP willingly and seems in any way 'off', very calm, shut down, or agitated, you can call the police and tell them he has been mentioning suicide and ask what they can do. It is acutely important when someone mentions suicide even if they say it is in the past, that they be assessed asap by a psychiatrist. Relate is not for this kind of problem.

Oh, this is horrible and remarkably similar to my situatio where DP upped and left after a minor incident that we'd have ordinarily talked about. but its been 10 weeks and he still won't talk to me other that brief occasional texts saying he misses me.

I want to help but there's little I can do. And I feel so angry about how he's treated me and DS I'm finding it all very hard. i do have some understanding as ive been seriously ill with depression but even in ny very worst moments, i was always careful to try not to hurt those i loved. Please make sure you look after yourself.

Sorry, am on my phone so please excuse poor typing and grammar!

Hoping you are ok, OP

Thank you all of you esp. Garlicbutter, that was a very brave post. :)

Grockle, so sorry you are going through this too.

Well I didn't get a lot of sleep and I've got a lot to think about. In answer to thumbsnose I genuinely don't think this is an act. It's hard to fake the dead eyes for a start. :(

I know this isn't my fault. I know he needs help. I'm going to talk to him but today I'm getting my support system geared up to help me with this. I can't do this on my own but I have a few people round me that can help me so I'm going to call them in and get them to help me.

I'm so glad you have some help & support. You sound very sensible and levelheaded about this. I wish I'd been more like that in the beginning.

Garlicbutter, what an excellent explanation. I think depression is a little bit like labour - once its in the past, you know it was terribly hard but when you don't have those awful feelings anymore, it can be hard to remember exactly what it was like. it's good to be reminded. I remember desperately wanting to die but smiling at the sun shining through the trees onto the autumn leaves.

"talkng" may be difficult - conversations just go round and round.

all you can do is tell him -
you want to be there for him
you will arrange/go with to any appts

the rest is up to him - and his profressional medical team.

not you.
it is his depression

it's matthew johnston e - worth reading
ihadablackdog.blogspot.com/

But it is very hard to see someone you love behaving in such a way and to not be able to help them.

I suffer from manic depression/bipolar myself. Since having my 2nd son it has gotten worse. I started on medicines and going to counseling for myself as well as family counseling with my DH and our parents so that they could understand what is going on and how they can help. Also making sure to have time for yourself and time with others is a great way to help. I think you are doing the right thing sticking with him and him addmitting the problem is a great thing. The only thing to watch for is that the medications are not working or they are triggering the depression. It may take a while to find the right dose and perscription. Also he may decide not to take them because he feels they are unnessessary or a cop out. You can get better without medicine, but it is much harder and requires plenty of support and money. I have tryed it both ways and finding a spot in the middle some meds and some other things seems to work best for me. It is a hard thing to deal with but he can overcome it especially with your support. Be strong and like garlicbutter said stay detached because if you get depressed you'll fuel each others depression. Good luck.

No one can make him seek/accept treatment (unless he's an acute risk to himself/other people). He already knows how to get help. He is an adult and it's up to him to take this up if he wants.

This may all be a manipulation anyhow (given the backstory).

Don't get sucked in. Detach, detach, detach and concentrate on yourself and your DC.

Maybe postpone Relate for now.

Just wondering how things are going?