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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD in our situation??

76 replies

nesslassie · 22/07/2011 15:08

My DH and I have been together for 3 years, married for one and have a wonderful wee lad, aged 6 months.

When I first met my DH 5 years ago he was in an unhappy marriage. I was single. We became friends and after a while realized we had feelings for each other. DH was in the process of leaving his wife about this time and eventually he moved in with me.

Fast forward to early last year when my MIL was ill with cancer, which she sadly died from, leaving behind my FIL.

Since then, my FIL has been seeing my DH now ex wife as friends!!!?? Our relationship with my FIL has been sporadic, with him popping over to see us every couple of months - he's only seen our son a handful of times. He lives 20 mins away from us and has made a point that we are not welcome at his house, he never answers the phone, rarely replies to emails. In effect has distanced himself from us and only really sees us out of duty I think.

Yesterday, DH recieved an email from his father saying that my DH ex wife is moving in with him and basically that they are together, something we had suspected a couple of months back, with a added note at the bottom of the email he will be in contact with us shortly! My DH feels very hurt and angry, so do I!!

My question is, would you cut your losses and cut contact altogether with FIL?? Or is there another way round this to maintain a relationship with him?? Probably not, but worth asking!!

Sorry, this is a bit long, just realised after I re read it!!

OP posts:

SingingTunelessly · 22/07/2011 22:28

Well regardless of OW/OM stuff, the thought of my mum marrying my exh would be weird . Can quite understand why the OP is feeling bit odd about things.

HerHissyness · 22/07/2011 23:21

I'd say give it time.

OP, your DS is 6m old, in a year all this could have imploded and there would be no awkward situation to bring your DS into.

FWIW, if the ExW is in this for any other reason than true love, i.e if she is trying to stir, score points or seek revenge, the best thing you can do is treat this whole situation with total ambivalence.

Oh Great! good luck etc etc! You don't have to go round there, you can be very busy etc, and make yourselves scarce if you don't want to socialise with them, leave them to it.

It IS weird, freakishly weird!

SmartyHan · 22/07/2011 23:38

WHAT ABOUT THE BRO CODE???

SmartyHan · 22/07/2011 23:38

barbiegrows · 22/07/2011 23:55

Yes, agree it's deliciously scandalous, but I can't help but see a bloke whose Dad's decided to have a fling with his ex. I think most fathers would see their sons exes as off-limits. It's a bit weird really. Now if it's true love, I'm sure DH will get over it eventually, maybe even laugh about it in the future (icky) but if it's something more sinister, like maybe paternal punishment for some misdeed, it won't last and ex will be the one that suffers. I would steer well clear of him for a while, tell him you don't want to see him for a year, say. That gives you control of the situation. I am suspicious of his motives because of 'be in touch shortly' email - indicates that he's trying to control this scenario?

But do start making lots of notes, writing down comments and feelings because it has all the hallmarks of a successful drama!

Fairenuff · 23/07/2011 13:09

Exactly! Smartyhan

Bros/friends/sisters - you don't date someone's ex!

Bang out of order.

AnotherMumOnHere · 23/07/2011 15:04

Not read the full thread so forgive me if this is a repeat of what someone else has said.

Many years ago when I was younger IT WAS ILLEGAL to marry your FIL [phew emoticon] but I dont know if this is now changed so you may be right OP. I know one couple did get 'special permission' to marry in this situ but I dont know if they actually changed the law for it.

Hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

loiner45 · 23/07/2011 15:25

The law was changed in the 80's - fascinating details here of who can and can't get married now (scroll down to bottom for current rules and regs!)

ameliagrey · 23/07/2011 16:30

fairee don't you think that's a tad judgemental?

How can there possibly be a one rule fits everyone?

If you want to get all moral, then you could say that the DH should not have left his exW for the OW in this situation.

What is wrong with his father- widowed- trying to grab a bit of happiness towards the end of his life- even if it is with his son's ex? ( who the son dumped.)

ameliagrey · 23/07/2011 16:34

Loiner- acording to the list you linked to, a man can only marry his daughter in law if both their spouses are dead.

However, that link is out of date as there was a case in the European court in 1996 which allowed marriage. I don't know if Uk law was changed then, but anyone who did really want to marry an ex DIL or SIL could take it to the European court of Human Rights.

SarahStratton · 23/07/2011 16:44

Exactly ameliagrey. Couldn't have summed it up better myself.

Fairenuff · 23/07/2011 18:31

I don't think you have to have very high morals to, out of all the women in the world, not sleep with your son's ex-wife. But, hey, that might just be me.

ameliagrey · 23/07/2011 18:37

You've got pretty skewed morality if you think there is something wrong with 2 mature single people- one widowed, one divorced, having a loving relationship.

You seem to be conveniently avoiding the fact that the ex wife is an ex because her H left her for another woman.

it might be a bit awkward for those concerned- but "immoral"? No.

Fairenuff · 23/07/2011 19:04

You've got pretty skewed morality if you think there is something wrong with 2 mature single people- one widowed, one divorced, having a loving relationship.

There are two things wrong 1) Your father sleeping with your ex-wife and 2) her motives.

None of us know her motives but if she is half as bitter as some of the posters here, she will be enjoying 'getting her own back' on her ex by effectively taking his father away from him.

If she is not bitter then surely she could say to the father, sorry, that kind relationship is out of the question.

Unless she is the sort of women with skewed morals who thinks it's ok to sleep with her sisters ex, or her niece's ex or any other family member's ex.

ameliagrey · 23/07/2011 19:44

Fairee- why is it wrong then? Explain. Don't just say so in a bigoted way- explain why. And not with a "Because it is."

You've got 2 things wrong:
1 You can't own anyone or control anyone's behaviour. If a father gives up his son because of a woman's motives- what does that say about his love for that son?
2 Why does she have to have an agenda? or be bitter?

Fairenuff · 23/07/2011 20:05

I didn't say she had to have an agenda or be bitter, quite the opposite in fact :

If she is not bitter then surely she could say to the father, sorry, that kind relationship is out of the question.

And you're right, people should control their own behaviour. I would think that it says the father has little or no regard for his son. Shame.

SarahStratton · 23/07/2011 20:16

Why should she though? The FIL is a widow, she was left by the OP's DH for the OP. If anyone should be feeling ashamed or questioning their morality it certainly isn't the FIL or the XW.

ameliagrey · 23/07/2011 20:27

fairee- it doesn't advance your argument very much just to keep repeating that it is wrong, without saying why it's wrong.

I asked you to explain but you obviously can't.

They are two single, consenting adults. His son broke his wedding vows. he elft his wife. And only when the OP came along and offered friendship that turned into something else.

But his ex wife (or his father) should now control their behaviour?

I don't think so.

Velvetunderground · 23/07/2011 20:41

OP i would give it time as the relationship will either workout or not, and only time will tell.

I would think it unlikely they will get married.

I would act totaly normal about it and make sure you call her grandma on all the cards.

There is nothing you can do about the relationship. Dont ask him to chose between the both of you. Try to be happy for them. It will feel odd right now but if its long term it will start to feel normal.

I would call the FIL up and congrats them and ask them round for a meal to show you are ok with it then keep your distance and let it take its own course.

Fairenuff · 23/07/2011 20:45

ness you've had a lot to deal with lately, lots of changes when you have a baby. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and can understand how much you wanted your son to have a good relationship with his grandad.

It can be extremely hurtful to be rejected by a parent.

It really depends on how you and your DH feel after speaking with FIL. He may surprise you and say that he does want to maintain a relationship with his son, and I hope he does. If that's the case, you need to set acceptable boundaries, such as he visits without his partner, etc. Whatever works for you.

I hope you can all salvage something from this mess. Good luck.

Fairenuff · 23/07/2011 21:23

amelia sorry, just saw your last post.

There are several people on his thread who agree with you and several who agree with me. I think if you can't see my point and I can't see yours, we will have to 'agree to differ' on this one.

You're right, I can't give an 'explanation' as to why I thinks it's wrong to sleep with a family member's ex. If you don't 'get it' then I don't think you're going to be convinced.

In any case, I was not trying to convince you, just offering my thoughts which you are perfectly entitled to disagree with or ignore.

HTH

SarahStratton · 23/07/2011 21:44

make sure you call her grandma on all the cards

Very mature.

singforsupper · 24/07/2011 00:11

I'm on your side fairenuff, think it's weird and doesn't sit right with me that a father would fall in love with his son's ex wife. I'm also surprised at people's assumption that the ex is somehow at fault. She's not the one who's betraying anyone here, but the way I see it the father is definitely betraying the son here. Question is... why?

Velvetunderground · 24/07/2011 09:20

Why thank you Stratton, accepting her into the family in the position she will hold, is very mature. It beats ignoring her any day.

ameliagrey · 24/07/2011 09:59

Faire you are right. we have to agree to disagree.

Anyway whatever we think is irrelevant- neither the FIL not the exW are reading- nor do they care .

I don't think this is anything to do with morals.

As I keep reiterating, both are single people and he is 68- hardly a teen in need of advice.

There were no children from the marriage to the DH. It was a legal tie which is now null and void.

I can see that some people may feel there is a certain "squeamishness" associated with going where your son has been, to be crude, but if two sad and lonely people are happier for the relationship, I think anyone else has just got to "get over it".

Final post on this.

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