Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD in our situation??

76 replies

nesslassie · 22/07/2011 15:08

My DH and I have been together for 3 years, married for one and have a wonderful wee lad, aged 6 months.

When I first met my DH 5 years ago he was in an unhappy marriage. I was single. We became friends and after a while realized we had feelings for each other. DH was in the process of leaving his wife about this time and eventually he moved in with me.

Fast forward to early last year when my MIL was ill with cancer, which she sadly died from, leaving behind my FIL.

Since then, my FIL has been seeing my DH now ex wife as friends!!!?? Our relationship with my FIL has been sporadic, with him popping over to see us every couple of months - he's only seen our son a handful of times. He lives 20 mins away from us and has made a point that we are not welcome at his house, he never answers the phone, rarely replies to emails. In effect has distanced himself from us and only really sees us out of duty I think.

Yesterday, DH recieved an email from his father saying that my DH ex wife is moving in with him and basically that they are together, something we had suspected a couple of months back, with a added note at the bottom of the email he will be in contact with us shortly! My DH feels very hurt and angry, so do I!!

My question is, would you cut your losses and cut contact altogether with FIL?? Or is there another way round this to maintain a relationship with him?? Probably not, but worth asking!!

Sorry, this is a bit long, just realised after I re read it!!

OP posts:
ScaredOfCows · 22/07/2011 15:48

BrainSurgeon - I don't think either of those 2 scenarios. I think that the situation - FILs distance generally - needs to be explored by the OPs husband. She doesn't say if they have always been distant, if it has happened since his divorce, or since the MILs death. She doesn't say what age difference there is between the FIL and his new partner (not that that is particularly relevant).

I don't think this is a 'react now and then stick by it' sort of situation, and if the OP would really like her son to have a relationship with his grandfather, perhaps she and her husband should be trying to nurture that.

BrainSurgeon · 22/07/2011 15:52

Fair enough, Scared (btw I'm not a big fan of cows either :))

I think OP is heading towards that anyway - "my DH and I perhaps, given time wouldn't mind seeing FIL alone. "

It will probably - hopefully - get easier in time.

Fairenuff · 22/07/2011 15:56

Was DH's ex very bitter about their breakup? Could this be some kind of revenge on her behalf? Also, has crossed my mind, is your FIL fairly well off financially?

ameliagrey · 22/07/2011 16:00

A few points:
it's more your DH's problem than yours TBH.

I understand what you want re. a grandparent for your son but FWIW I never ever had 1 grandfather - they both died before my parents got married- mums when she was 17, dads when he was 8. so I wouldn't lose sleep over that one.

I'd say in an idea world, your DH and his father should explore their silent rift or emotional distance. Is it possible that his father always liked your DHs ex wife- and did he become cool towards your DH when he left her and married you? You could, sadly, be seen as instrumental in breaking up that marriage -not my personal take on it but your DHs father may think so.

If you still want to be in touch with him for your son's sake, then I think he should realise that he can only see you on his own, and not with his new partner, the ex wife. Anything else would be very tactless.

I think it's your Dh who needs to have a frank talk with his dad and see what they can agree on re. future contact.

On a practical level, presumably the ex wife is at least 20 years younger than your FIL? If so, and if it lasts, she could stand to inherit his estate over your DH- unless FIL's will says otherwise. This may be some way off of course, but if they were to marry that would be the legal position.

Original poster
nesslassie · 22/07/2011 16:05

The age difference between them is 28 years, not that it's relevant really, there is 12 years between DH and I!

We are very close to my own family (which is huge!), so we feel that we won't be losing out on an extended family life!

Thank you for your thoughts. We're not sure whats going to happen with our relationship with FIL, but whatever the outcome in the long run, we're gonna try and make sure it's the best one all round :)

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 22/07/2011 16:05

Have just read your original post and quite honestly, it looks as if your FIl would regard you as the "other woman". From what you say, your DH was married when you met. Had you not met, he may well still be married- only you know that ! But his father could very well have rejected his son and you for those reasons, especially if he was fond of DH's first wife.

Do you agree?

Original poster
nesslassie · 22/07/2011 16:12

Didn't think you could marry an ex in law??

Yes, my FIL is finacially well off, but tbh, my husband or me are not materialistic and doesn't really care about any inheiritance, just wants an ongoing relationship with his Dad.

The marriage ended a bit bitter on her part, she hasn't forgiven DH for leaving her. Their marriage was in trouble well before I ever met DH. Dh friends have said he is a lot happier than they have seen him in years since he's been with me.

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 22/07/2011 16:18

I am not sure about that- I think it's possible they could marry- there is no blood tie.

Re. your other point- it's not about how your DH's friends see it- it's about how your FIL saw you and his son. Your FIL may be harbouring the notion that had you not been on the scene, his son would have stuck his marriage out.

If the coolness began only after the two of you got together than I think that's your answer.

This is not me passing judgement- I am saying how I think your FIL could perceive it all.

Fairenuff · 22/07/2011 16:26

ness does your DH have any siblings? If so, what do they think about this?

Original poster
nesslassie · 22/07/2011 17:26

Yes, my Dh has a brother 3 years younger. He's furious, thinks it's disrespectful. BIL doesn't see FIL much though, BIL lives 600 miles away, so it's a case they meet up a couple times and are not particularly close.

I can see where you are coming from amelia, FIL perhaps thinks I did break up a percieved outwardly happy marriage, although he would never say that to my face.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/07/2011 17:35

Maybe, the best that you can hope for, is that their relationship will fizzle out and you can then start to rebuild one with FIL (if your DH wants to).

If it were my dad with my ex I think I would meet him on my own, tell him that whilst I respect his right to chose his partner, he has to respect my right to want nothing to do with her and, by association, him. I would also say if the situation changes, please get in touch.

Then I would have nothing more to do with him. But that's my personal stance.

SarahStratton · 22/07/2011 18:44

Why is it a problem for you? You and your DH are happy together, he left his XW for you. Both your FIL and the XW were both single and there is no reason at all why they shouldn't get together. Yes, it's a little weird for you, but it's a bit unreasonable to not even try to get on with each other.

Is there a backstory? A reason to feel bitter towards the XW for some reason? Because, in their eyes you are probably 'the other woman', and as such I'd say she is the one who has cause to feel resentful.

WTF is it disrespectful or wrong for 2 single adults to have a relationship?

Nanny0gg · 22/07/2011 18:56

So all of you who don't see a problem here, wouldn't mind that if you split up with your partner, he then got together with your mum?

Really?

SarahStratton · 22/07/2011 19:00

It would be weird, but no. I get on very well with my XH's girlfriend, she is lovely and I am very pleased for him. There's no animosity between any of us. She is 26 years younger than him and only 6 years older than DD1.

snicker · 22/07/2011 19:34

I wouldn't cut contact. I think I would stand around slack jawed for a while and then try to maintain a relationship with the dad. I'm not saying its not utterly bizarre but as the OPs DH was unhappily married, left over 3 years ago, and has well and truly moved on then I think the father/son relationship is salvageable.

ameliagrey · 22/07/2011 20:24

Maybe you need to loo at this another way?
why can't you be happy for them?
Your FIL is widowed, your DH's ex was left- for you it appears, though itis unclear how sure he was that he wanted to end his marriage until you came along.

Do they not deserve to be happy?

One possible take on it is that your FIL kept a polite relationship going with you whilst your MIL was alive, but now he doesn't feel he has to.

This doesn't explain his coldness towards his son- your DH- but really that is a conversation they need to have.

why doesn't your DH talk to his father?

Nanny0gg · 22/07/2011 20:31

In theory his ex-wife could become his step-mother.

Not a particularly comfortable situation imo.

SarahStratton · 22/07/2011 20:47

Possibly more uncomfortable for the XW who now has to see both her XH and the woman he left her for.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/07/2011 21:03

FIL is not permitted to marry his ex DIL
Marriage (Prohibited Degrees of Relationship) Act 1986
"s1(4)
A marriage solemnized after the commencement of this Act between a man and a woman who is a former spouse of his son shall not be void by reason only of that relationship if the marriage is solemnized after the death of both his son and the mother of his son and after both the parties to the marriage have attained the age of twenty-one.."

So a marriage cannot validly take place whilst your DH is alive.

I know this isn't the core issue but I thought it was worth knocking that concern on the head.

Original poster
nesslassie · 22/07/2011 21:09

Sorry for the delay in responding, I had to go out.

My DH seems to think some of you are portraying me as the scarlett woman :).

DH has said that he might not have left his ex, but that was down to the fact he was very depressed and didn't have the balls. Apparently I gave him the boost to leave!

Back to my original question, should my DH keep contact with his Dad? DH first reaction was f**k him, but has since calmed down. He is going to think what kind of relationship he wants with his Dad and how he can maintain it, if at all.

Thank you for all of your POV. My DH has read your replys and is going to think on it for a wee while.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 22/07/2011 21:22

What is your relationship with the ex wife like?

SarahStratton · 22/07/2011 21:27

Um, your DH might well look at it like that, and I'm sure that is how it happened. But how his XW sees things is a whole other ball game.

Yes, I think he should keep in contact with his Dad. You're all adults, and your DH should remember that he once loved his XW enough to marry her. It would be such a shame to lose your relationship with your FIL/his DF over this.

Sorry, but I really do think that, out of all of you, the XW is the one who has the right to feel most uncomfortable about this.

Original poster
nesslassie · 22/07/2011 21:32

DH doesn't have any sort of relationship with his ex, there didn't seem to be any need as they don't have any ties like children or bought property together.

As for me and the ex, we basically don't acknowledge each other when we see each other. Understandably from her POV. We didn't get on before DH and I got together, but then she didn't like any of his friends, male or female.

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 22/07/2011 21:34

re. marriage of in laws- a case like this was put before the european courts in 1996 and they allowed the marriage to go ahead. They recommended that the law was changed. I am not sure if it has been yet.

OP and OP's DH

I think this is a very difficult situation for the FIL. He must feel embarrassed if nothing else.

But OP make no mistake- you must surely accept that DH being depressed or not, you will be seen as the woman who broke up the marriage. How many time have you read here that most men don't have the balls to get out unless there is another woman in the offing?

I doubt if his ex thinks well of you and either she is influencing his father's behaviour, or his father is embarrassed and simply doesn't know what to do.

They really need to talk.

SarahStratton · 22/07/2011 21:50

She might not be influencing the FIL at all. I know when XH and I divorced his parents were very disapproving of his GF, even though we had already separated, albeit very recently.