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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Jealousy

33 replies

yellowflag · 21/07/2011 15:03

I have never been a jealous person. Really, I have never understood why people get jealous.... I am 48

I have been with my DP for 9 months. We are very happy, and there are no problems. He has never given me the slightest reason to doubt him, is very open, trustworthy and reliable. early on in our relationship we discussed our attitudes to fidelity, and he, like me feels that monogamy is our thing.

so why am I a seething green eyed monster? He is meeting with a woman tomorrow connected with a work commitment, and i have myself in knots of jealousy and feel deeply unhappy about it. I know I am being ridiculous, and in fact by feeling this way I run the risk of driving him away. I have told him how i feel, and he felt very hurt that I 'didnt trust him' - I do, but I don't trust her...

I don't know if its because i feel he is so lovely that I not sure why he is with me?

help

OP posts:

thesunshinesbrightly · 21/07/2011 15:09

'you don't trust her'

My suggestion is change your name to redflag.

buzzsore · 21/07/2011 15:12

That's quite odd really, if you've never been jealous before and he seems trustworthy.

It's worrying if he is on a pedestal for you, cos that's not where your lover belongs - they only tip off eventually and crush you under the smashed up marble .

Fairenuff · 21/07/2011 15:18

Any particular reason that you don't trust her?

antlerqueen · 21/07/2011 15:57

Why does the 'you don't trust her' matter anyway? It's not like she's responsible for his behaviour.

Aislingorla · 21/07/2011 16:03

I think those feelings can be quite common in the early days of a relationship.

Do you think this woman has 'designs' on your DP?

TDada · 21/07/2011 16:13

Sounds as though you feel that your DP is more attractive than you? Definitely put a stop to your insecurity as it could drive him away. On the other hand he might be really sensitive and caring and help you to feel more secure. Best if you can focus on your strengths and areas of confidence. If you were confident when you met him then chances are that he is attracted to confident women.

TDada · 21/07/2011 16:14

...it is encouraging that you are self aware so I am confident that it is well within your capability to work through this in a rational way.

ramade · 21/07/2011 16:27

I think a bit of Jealousy in relationship is ok (just human after all), as long as you nip it in the bud. Talk about it with your partner "I know it's bonkers, don't want to feel like this but I do".

You don't need to pretend that your some Iron woman who doesn't feel jelousy, just discuss it and try to work out why you are feeling vunerable. Then get over it and enjoy what you have!

Original poster

yellowflag · 21/07/2011 16:28

I have no idea why I don't trust her, he has not met her yet (so neither have I) I just have a 'feeling' abut her - from her messages etc. However, as antlerqueen pointed out, it hardly matters what her feelings/thoughts are as it is him I am with.

TBH its not just her! He is an attractive man, who was single for a while before he met me, there are several women I know who 'fancied' him- some of whom are married.

I am very clear this is my problem, not anything he has done, and when I talked to him about it, once he had got over the 'I'm upset that you think I would be unfaithful to you' initial reaction, he was very sweet and has been at pains to make me feel especially loved the last couple of weeks.

I think at the bottom of it is the fact that I don't feel especially 'worth it' Intellectually I know that I am a nice person, thoughtful, loving intelligent and good company... and I don't think of him as perfect either - he has faults like the rest of us.

I think that years of an emotionally abusive marriage have damaged my self esteem (which was perhaps not that great in the first place or I would have spotted the abusive shit who became my exH) I just hate feeling like this.. and I hate the potential damage its doing to a normal, healthy and happy relationship - and I hate not being able to control it!

OP posts:

ramade · 21/07/2011 16:30

I don't think this woman matters. You got a good man, a good relationship. Trust is important.

TDada · 21/07/2011 16:35

As I suspected you are very self aware and intelligent. Also you are overly conscious of his attractiveness and keep forgetting that he CHOSE you. There is always someone more attractive than you but take it from me that men who choose intelligent women reallyy value that. Also, I bet that you are attractive and confident as well which is an unbeatable combination. Relax and enjoy the ride.

TDada · 21/07/2011 16:37

In today's culture/media there is a presumption that all men are attracted in twenty something tarts....many men admire accomplished older women..

TDada · 21/07/2011 16:37

Typos above..

lazarusb · 21/07/2011 20:35

Your self-esteem needs a boost. He sounds like he's doing everything he can to reassure you. You know that he is a good man. I don't think this is about trust or jealousy, it's about your self-perception. Knowing that you are an attractive, intelligent person who your DP has fallen for - because of who you are You need to work on your self-esteem and I am sure he will help you do that.

TDada · 22/07/2011 14:46

Well you are unlikely to be unattractive if he has chosen you. Clearly you are intelligent......likely that others find you attractive....so don't be too modest

TobyLerone · 22/07/2011 14:51

"I do [trust him], but I don't trust her..."

I absolutely LOATHE this phrase! You don't have to trust her. Not one bit. She's nothing to you and you're nothing to her. You have to trust your partner, but it sounds like he's a good man and you're just being a bit of a loon. It happens.

Aislingorla · 22/07/2011 15:01

But why don't you trust her?
Agree with Toby, BTW., just asking.

Original poster

yellowflag · 22/07/2011 17:20

I totally agree re the stupidity of that statement ! why don't I trust her ? I just think shes a bit forward and 'keen' to meet him, and that bothers me.

ugh I hate this. There is NO reason for me to feel this way, I am intelligent attractive and have a lot going for me - I think part of it is that I have 4 kids, they are not the easiest at the moment, mainly due to my marriage breakdown and the preceeding trauma, Its hard for DP - His kids are grown up, and although he is very good with the children I know he finds them hard going at times. she is childless.

I'm very clear this is about ME not him, I just dont know how to stop feeling anxious... or how to 'work' on my self esteem...

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowflag · 22/07/2011 18:43

ok . Someone please help me. Hes been at this meeting with this woman for almost 3 hours now and is still there,. he has txt me a couple of times. I'm doing my nut, and desperately want to get some perspective.....

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 22/07/2011 19:23

I clean to take my mind off things ( great, cos my house is normally a tip!) but any kind of exercise will help to calm you.
I think you may be suffring from anxiety,(due to all you the stress you have suffered in your previous marriage) where things seen much worse than they actually are.
The fact that he's texted you a couple of times means he is thinking of you.
Try and be calm!
X

Original poster

yellowflag · 22/07/2011 19:38

i would like to go for arun, but I cant leave the kids. I have made a couple of shelving units from IKEa, and am looking for the next thing to do. I hate hate hate this.

and Im angry. ANgry because he KNEW I was anxious and yet he's still out for hours meeting her.

To me that's disrespectful. And it suggests he'd rther spend the evening with some woman he's just met than with me. and that fucking hurts

OP posts:

TimeForMeIsFree · 22/07/2011 19:57

I think your mind is running away with you and making things worse. He has text you so he is thinking of you, he is well aware that you are anxious and has given you some reassurance. I don't feel he is being disrespectful but I do feel that you are being controlling by expecting him to leave a meeting that is obviously going well just to pacify your jealousy. He has given you no reason to mistrust him, at least wait until he has before you start putting unreasonable demands on him.

Original poster

yellowflag · 22/07/2011 20:05

that's helpful; thank you.... above all I want to avoid an argument. I want to avoid being the demented shreiking harpy I feel like right now. I need other peoples persepectives ( because I am actually normally a very rational, mature and well balanced woman) ...

I thought he was coming home for dinner tonight - that looks unlikely now. hes probably gone for dinner with her ....

OP posts:

NettleTea · 22/07/2011 20:37

You dont know this, you are making assumptions, probably based upon your treatment in your previous relationship. Its difficult to learn to trust when you have been betrayed in the past, but if he is half the man you think he is, then you need to see that he is NOT your ex, and you mustnt tar him with the same brush. Which is easier said than done. Try to identify the feelings in relation to your ex, try to understand where they are coming from. You say this is a business meeting, and the fact he has text you twice so far is such a good sign - maybe she does like him, maybe she is dragging the meeting out and the 'business' bit has not been completed, but he is letting you know he is thinking of you, he is aware that you are probably worried, but from what you have said this is purely business to him, and work is work and needs to be done.

TimeForMeIsFree · 22/07/2011 21:16

Yellowflag you have to control your jealousy. Why choose to think your DP is up to no good when you could choose to think more pleasant thoughts? Seriously, you are going to ruin a good relationship by choosing to think the way you are. He may be bored out of his mind, the woman may be overbearing and demanding of his time, he may not feel he can just up and leave, see, there are lot's of different scenario's and not all of them mean he is having a good time and gagging to jump this woman's bones!

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