Why did I react like that? I surprised myself

[Ormirian]

Can anyone understand why I feel so upset? Because I am not entirely sure myself.

DH and I don't live in each other's pockets. Never have. Been together 20+ years and been contented and stable most of that time. DH is very sociable and has loads of acquaintances and a few really good friends. I am not. I am by nature a loner. I have a handful of good friends my relationship with whom is strong enough not to require maintenance - from either side! I have lots of people to pass the time of day with but not many I'd call real friends. And all that is fine - just as I like it.

Couple of years ago DH started teaching again. Works in a small school with lots of TAs. All of them women as are most of the teachers. He socialises with them often - again, that's fine. He even went on a Hen night for one of them last Saturday complete with pick satin sash . They were all invited to his b'day BBQ with families - but TBH even when I tried to be friendly I was mostly ignored by them all and made to feel more like a fucking hired help than DH's wife. Not to mention one of them let their kids trash the house and garden ! Dh was having a good time so I didn't make a fuss - just spent time with the people I knew well.

Anyway DH and I were both invited to the evening reception for the wedding. I have no desire to go TBH as I don?t feel I will be particularly welcome but we're going. Just got a call from DH to say that one of the guests isn't able to attend the actual wedding so the bride has asked DH to go instead. I actually burst into tears - and I am at work. And I don't know why I am upset. It's not like me at all. DH was upset but I couldn't really talk. I think I just feel excluded but that's daft ! I am an adult woman and I don?t live via my DH. I think that I don't want him to want to go IYSWIM

I will try to think of one that isn't in a crap situation themselves! We are the 'good marriage' in our circle of friends TBH. The only people I'd feel comfortable talking to is one of my old friends from my last job - we only see each other once every couple of years and keep in touch via email but in a weird way I don't want to spoil that relationship with all this junk

What a shame he had to do that.

Does he understand that his behaviours make you feel unimportant in his life? Is there anyone else, a friend of you both, who could spell it out to him? Just so he sees it from another persons perspective.

But, you know, if this is the case "Problem is I think he finds me and our family life boring but I dont know what to do about it", then really he needs to be trying to fathom out what to do about that. He needs to make it better for all of you, not just allow himself to be distracted by his work colleagues as the easy option.

It was very shit of him to go "around the town" (whatever that is) in the small hours of the morning after the conversation you guys had.

"I love you" is meaningless if it's just words someone says while they ignore you.

How are you today Orm?

So what he is doing is saying I love you, yes yes your are right to shut you up and then carrying on being there emotionally and as the big strong man for this other woman anyway.

He made her more important

I'd be upset if this was my husband. He needs to realise that his relationship is on the line unless he prioritises his family above his female friends. Being in town until 3am with a woman is inappropriate. I 'm surprised he went back to the wedding once you had gone home.
If you are depressed though you maybe aren't much fun to be with. I would see your GP to discuss depression and also have a serious chat with your husband anbout your unhappiness with him behaving like a single bloke wanting to go out with a gaggle of girls all the time and that you feel he is avoiding you.
Can the 2 of you go out together more so it isn't either he goes out with the "girls" or you have to stay in together?

Hello.

Thanks for your responses again.

orla - I'm doing OK. I feel a bit in limbo. Not sad, not happy. Just weird and disconnected.

xales - that is how I feel and then I feel like such an unsisterly bitch for thinking it. I am not the needy type - I am so desperate not to be like my mother who is. In spades.

rebecca - God yes I am really boring atm. I am boring myself. I just want to curl up in a little ball with my book and forget everything else. But truth be told I wasn't like this before I came off the ads and he was already behaving like that. And what happened to 'till death us do part'? I have supported him through so much - why not a bit of unconditional support even though I am being boring and dull? I need to come off these tablets for my sanity and self-respect. He should support my need to do this. If after 6m i am spiralling down again I will try them again but I want this short time to try to be without them.

Worst of it all is that I am struggling to see why I should care if he is there or not. If I could wave a magic wand and have him gone but with all the chaos and mess that a seperation would cause done and dusted, I would.

So we are both to blame. I know that.

We are going out on Friday. I must ensure we go out more though. Quite often it is with a group of people so we don't really get to be together. I think he prefers that. But I must arrange a few nights out together - just the 2 of us.

The wedding was supposed to be some time for us - but that was never going to work in the circumstances.

Ormirian - YOU don't have to ensure you go out more, HE should be doing that. He knows you need extra support at the moment, he should be stepping up to the plate and providing it.

I really think you need outside help. Not for you, but he needs to see from another person's point of view that he is not doing enough, not being enough. Has he seen this thread?

No, you're not the needy type.

Which is why when you express needs, he should listen.

Hiya, am sorry you're having a rough time.

Don't beat yourself up - am sure you're not boring at all, you certainly don't sound it! Anyway, however you've been acting, it was still wrong, inappropriate and hurtful of him to go out til 3am on the evening of that wedding after the behaviour of his female colleagues and the discussions you'd had about it. Does he see this?

Don't dismiss talking to your rl friends whose marriages aren't that great - they may be able to listen and help you.

It sounds like, given the work your dh does, some professional support, counselling or mentoring may be helpful (I think they call it "supervision"). It sounds like at your dh's place of work some stuff is happening that isn't ideal for anyone, eg him being cast as the protector of these younger women within and outside work, blurred boundaries, cliques. Is this something that is provided or that he can arrange as part of his practice?

Perhaps rather than nights out together or special things you could just do simple things, eg a walk (somehow it is easier to talk and harder to argue when walking), dvd, meal at home.

If you still love him (?) it may be that this could all just be a helpful wake-up-call for you both to adjust things a bit.

"Worst of it all is that I am struggling to see why I should care if he is there or not. If I could wave a magic wand and have him gone but with all the chaos and mess that a seperation would cause done and dusted, I would."

Do you mean this, that you would rather be without him? Is this depressive or fearful thinking? Or just that you're tired and don't feel up to any further drama right now?

I think anti-depressants often draw a veil over relationship issues that require tackling. Most of all, I think they have a tendency to silence your inner voice, so that you tell yourself that things are getting better, or a relationship is fine really, or that your partner has changed......but it's not the truth. So you should be encouraged to wean yourself off them, OP. Being without them will allow you to see your world with truthful eyes.

Regarding your H's behaviour, I wonder whether you have had lots of nagging doubts about these work relationships for some time, but have tried to quell them, because they don't fit your self-image of your role in the marriage? This would explain why the wedding invitation produced such a reaction in you, because it was the first external sign that something was amiss and all of a sudden, all those little niggles and doubts came together.

It might be time to think the unthinkable and consider that your H has put your marriage at risk. Only you can decide whether if that's true, it's the catalyst to a much-needed shake-up, or it gives you the green light to abandon ship.

Hi Orm, just wanted to add my support. I totally understand and empathise with your feelings that something's up. BUT I don't think you should catastrophise (CBT term!) just yet, although I think important conversations need to happen.

What I think has happened is this - it's not necessarily about you at all. It's about him getting over-excited about a new job and being heavily invested in impressing new work-mate (who, BTW, I agree seem to have been disrespectful of your marriage - I have experienced similar vibes from younger women workmates of my DH's - a sort of proprietorial feeling they have over him).

I think it's late and you are spiralling into self-attack mode. You are not boring - or at least, no less boring than him, I'm pretty darn sure of it!

I also think you need to ask him why it's so important for him to support this girl.

cannot believe I used the word "darn"

Thanks so much for all your response. It is much appreciated. And it is really helping to crystallise the way I feel.

I have got a bit of distance today.

Last night DH wasn't going out - he normally plays snooker on Thurs with a mutual friend but he was away. So I dragged him out for a walk with the dog. I told him that I has been hurt by the fact that he went out after the wedding and that it would have been better if he hadn't gone back to the wedding after we'd checked on the boys. He asked me why I hadn't said that at the time and I told him that I didn't consider 3am a good time for an in-depth discussion I did make some slightly barbed comments but clearly not barbed enough! I told him that I understood that maybe the people he work with got very close because of the intensity of the work environment but that I wasn't prepared to be shut out. He said he hadn't realised that was what he was doing. I left it at that. He said nothing more. But he is the type to listen and inwardly digest so hoping it went in. Didn't get upset or angry so hope he will think about it. First time for ages we have spent an entire evening together doing nothing much withou the TV or a bottle of wine to get in the way. Need to do it more often.

And I am going to find something for me to do - an outside interest. I used to do a lot of running - about 20 miles a week - but too many aches and pains these days I might look into the local choral society (don't snigger, at the back!) . Something to give me a different focus perhaps.

jamie - darn is a darn fine word!

landed - what you say strikes a few chords with me. That ads paper over the cracks. I don't know how it will go but I feel a bit better about dealing with whatever comes now. I don't want to be 'crazy in love' with him but I do want to feel valued and secure. When I am sure that isn't the case and he isn't going to do anything about it I will know it's time to 'jump ship'.

I once had a long term partner who worked abroad. I noticed that his new (female) colleagues simply saw me as an inconvenience when they were trying to match him up with one of them who fancied him rather than recognising me as the partner and this other person as the interloper. They had a group and I was outside it. It felt awful, even tho my bf didnt cheat on me. But he was surrounded with people for whom my existence was an irritating side issue.

Glad you had that chat. Try to schedule it in more frequently.
BTW lots of people I know have joined the local Rock Choir.