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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did I react like that? I surprised myself

71 replies

Ormirian · 20/07/2011 16:16

Can anyone understand why I feel so upset? Because I am not entirely sure myself.

DH and I don't live in each other's pockets. Never have. Been together 20+ years and been contented and stable most of that time. DH is very sociable and has loads of acquaintances and a few really good friends. I am not. I am by nature a loner. I have a handful of good friends my relationship with whom is strong enough not to require maintenance - from either side! I have lots of people to pass the time of day with but not many I'd call real friends. And all that is fine - just as I like it.

Couple of years ago DH started teaching again. Works in a small school with lots of TAs. All of them women as are most of the teachers. He socialises with them often - again, that's fine. He even went on a Hen night for one of them last Saturday complete with pick satin sash Confused. They were all invited to his b'day BBQ with families - but TBH even when I tried to be friendly I was mostly ignored by them all and made to feel more like a fucking hired help than DH's wife. Not to mention one of them let their kids trash the house and garden Hmm! Dh was having a good time so I didn't make a fuss - just spent time with the people I knew well.

Anyway DH and I were both Shock invited to the evening reception for the wedding. I have no desire to go TBH as I don?t feel I will be particularly welcome but we're going. Just got a call from DH to say that one of the guests isn't able to attend the actual wedding so the bride has asked DH to go instead. I actually burst into tears Blush - and I am at work. And I don't know why I am upset. It's not like me at all. DH was upset but I couldn't really talk. I think I just feel excluded but that's daft ! I am an adult woman and I don?t live via my DH. I think that I don't want him to want to go IYSWIM

OP posts:
Poledra · 21/07/2011 12:28

ORM, having read the whole thread, I completely understand what you're asying and why you feel like you do. However, I also think your DH's a good 'un Smile - he clearly hasn't recognised how the group have treated you but now sees how it is upsetting you (and that you matter more ot him than the group).

FWIW, I think it's dreadfully rude to invite extend an invite for the day to only one half of a couple who were coming in the evening. And don't get me started on their behaviour at your own house.

You can still do your separate thing - you and your feelings are still number one in your DH's eyes, and that's what's important (and he buys you delicious DM boots, as I recall Grin). But hey, maybe now is the time to 'rediscover' each other as it were (I seem to remember your DCs are getting towards late primary/secondary school age). Best of luck with it Smile

Aislingorla · 21/07/2011 12:48

The good thing about your situation is that you care, I didn't and these women gave him the attention that I didn't!
We,now, both prefer to socialise with friends we have both made and not either of our work colleagues, with the exception of special functions.

Original poster
Ormirian · 21/07/2011 18:18

Yes I do care aisling - perhaps sometimes I forget how much. I think we can be a bit ....careless... of each other which is crazy! Our marriage is old and perhaps we should treat like we would anything antique and precious Wink

Hi pol! You have a fantastic memory! Yes it was DH that got me the DMs for my birthday 2010. And he is a good 'un! No matter how difficult things get I never lose sight of that fact. SOmetimes on MN he seems to shine out like a beacon of male decency compared to some of the utter shits other's have to deal with.

OP posts:
alistron1 · 21/07/2011 19:04

I can see why you feel the way you do. DP and I both work in schools, and we both work in quite challenging circumstances and in such situations you do tend to really 'bond' with your colleagues. I've been on staff nights out with DP and felt like a spare part...but it's not YOU it's just the situation.

He was also invited to a wedding this year - he was invited to the whole shebang (and went) I was invited to the evening bit (and didn't go!!)

It's hard to explain, I'm sure it's the same in all working environments, but IMHO there's something about working in stressful and intense conditions that engenders tribal relationships that might look 'weird' and 'rude' to an 'outsider'

TBH, I keep my 'work' friendships separate to DP 'cos he wouldn't understand the in jokes/shorthand we have...despite working in a similar setting.

Original poster
Ormirian · 22/07/2011 20:53

He isn't going. We are both going to the evening do and DH had decided that he wants to buy me a new dress for the occasion. I am choosing to take that as a good thing Grin

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 22/07/2011 21:14

Aw......good.
X

Doha · 22/07/2011 21:42

Great result Orm Smile

SheCutOffTheirTails · 22/07/2011 22:31

In defence of your DH, I can see why he didn't notice their rudeness to you at the barcecue - it's very difficult to see that kind of dynamic when you're basking in the warm glow of being adored.

The fact that he has responded so well to your upset at what happened today and has listened to your take on this is great. He's a good guy.

Definitely a beacon :)

SingingTunelessly · 22/07/2011 22:33

That's good to hear. Smile Surprising isn't it what shakes us out of our comfort zone.

Original poster
Ormirian · 27/07/2011 10:15

It all went a bit odd in the end.

DD was at a sleepover. So we left 14yr old DS1 in charge of DS2. Have done it a few times before but only when we aren't going far or for that long. About 9.30 DH rang the boys and the line was engaged. DS was not answering his mobile. A bit concerned we drove home. All was well - phone just off the hook but I decided to stay put as it had shaken me up a bit and we weren't intending to stay that much longer anyway. DH went back.

3am DH got home. He'd got a lift back from the party and then been asked to go round town with one of the TAs who was feeling a bit sorry for herself and wanted some support Hmm. Heart sank again. I don't for a moment beleive he'd be unfaithful but I don't know why he can't resist getting involved all the time. He told me he has also got involved when one of our mate's sons was in a fight. Yeah OK, very thoughtful and all that but FFS mind your own bloody business! I feel side-lined and way down the pecking order. And you know what, I don't give a shit! Problem is I think he finds me and our family life boring but I dont know what to do about it. And actually I don't know that I want to do anything about it.He can't want to go out, and I can't wait for him to go out, but neither of us admit it.

Stuck now. Don't know what I think or what to do. Just feel unsettled. Right now if he told me he was leaving i think I'd be releived. I think it's time for a conversation but I don't have the energy right now.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 27/07/2011 10:54

Just read quickly! (cos gotta run now and walk the dog)
It looks like he is becoming too available to these colleagues (and others)and he needs to question himself as to why he needs to be needed so much? And question who comes first (ie, you)
Will post more later.
X

Aislingorla · 27/07/2011 10:56

PS, I think you are losing repect for him which is worrying.
Later.

Original poster
Ormirian · 27/07/2011 10:58

And all he will say is 'But I love you' in an aggreived tone as if that is all that matters. 'I love you' is not a fucking magic word.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormirian · 27/07/2011 10:59

Thanks aisli - yes I am losing respect for him. Haemorrhaging it in fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormirian · 27/07/2011 11:22

And inevitably I am thinking it's my fault for being too tired/busy for him, or too involved with the DC. I am also wondering if I shouldn't have come off the ADs and it's just my perception that is skewed - but maybe it was our relationship that was feeding my depression.

OP posts:
mummytime · 27/07/2011 11:55

I would go back to your GP, and tell him how you feel. Go back on ADs if he thinks they will help, but also get some counselling.
I think you feel exhuasted and also don't know what you really think or feel right now. So please don't do anything hasty.

I think your DH does need a bit of a kick to realise how you feel, that you need him (not just I love you).

Poledra · 27/07/2011 11:57

Oh Orm Sad. I don't think your perception is skewed. Just saying 'I love you' isn't enough. On another thread (about teenagers' behaviour) a wise MNetter said 'Look at the action, not the words.' So, your DH can say he loves you but he's not really showing it by his behaviour. And that's what getting to you - quite understandably.

I'm looking at this from the other side - I think I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my DH has told me he loves me, and I had to learn to look to his actions to see the evidence.

You do need to talk, but maybe you could try thrashing things out a bit here, so you know what you need to say? Maybe post on Relationships so straight-talkers like AnyF can help you see the way through?

Original poster
Ormirian · 27/07/2011 11:58

Thanks mummytime.

I really don't want to go back to ADs. It has taken me 8/9 weeks to get off them and after 3 years I can't beleive I am still depressed. I am just wondering if the realities of my life are hitting me for the first time and that is what needs changing. Going back on cit will just roll me up in a nice warm fluffy blanket again and that isn't where i need to be now. But it is tempting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormirian · 27/07/2011 11:59

Thanks pol.

I am in relationship I think. Aren't I? Confused

OP posts:
Poledra · 27/07/2011 12:07

Ooops, soory, for some reason thought it was in Chat!Blush

Original poster
Ormirian · 27/07/2011 12:08
Grin

Not a particularly interesting thread for chat!

OP posts:
mummytime · 27/07/2011 12:08

Were you just on ADs with no counselling? Because that really isn't good practice. If your GP isn't more helpful then I would be looking for another one to give more help guidance. Where you on ADs for a specific reason (death of a loved one?), even then it can be worth getting some counselling. A friend of mine had PND but it also brought to the surface a lot of rubbish from her parents which had to be dealt with, without counselling she wouldn't have got "properly" better.

I would also think you could both do with some couple counselling, but I think you need to know what you think/feel first.

Good luck!

PS this is relationships!

encyclogirl · 27/07/2011 12:13

Orm, if I didn't know better I'd think you were my best friend exactly a year ago. Only difference being her dh is the Principal of the school. She put up with this kinds of bollocks for 3 years. The walking around town with the other TA story is a complete parallel to the kind of crap that was going on in her life. She felt 'stupid' bringing it up, because he would be so hurt that she didn't trust him.

It ended with his leaving her for one of his gang of girls.

The month before he left he went out 17 times on his own.

Don't mean to scare you, but he needs to stop this behaviour. She was 20 years married too. I think 20 years is the new 7 years.

Show him this thread as a conversation starter.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/07/2011 12:14

Poor you, what a mess! I do think that probably the key to it is that your H is bonding with his workmates (as a group, not with one particular woman) due to the emotionally intense nature of the work they do, and that this is at the root of it. However, that doesn't mean he gets to ignore your feelings. Counseling both for you and as a couple might well help. Best of luck.

Aislingorla · 27/07/2011 12:15

Another suggestion (the one I always make!) is to talk to a friend in RL who knows you both, a 'friend of the marriage', so to speak.