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Original poster

Issues concerning my diary

28 replies

bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:09

I had a conversation that disturbed me somewhat with dp the other night. I keep a diary, have done since 11 yrs old, and there is tons of it, I have not held back in my diary!! Recently I was talking to dp and a friend about my diary and how I was starting to think about what would happen if i died & people of course read it. I have been meaning for example for ages to get a locked filing cabinet (having dd gave me that idea, the thought of her when older getting her hands on it but I am also worrying even about dying in old age & who would read it. I really do go into ridiculous detail about both my life and other people's lives in my diary and it was starting to haunt me. What should I do about this? I know I can include it in my will but how could that control someone just randomly going through my stuff - or is no one allowed to do that until the will is checked?

Back to dp though, he was naturally concerned in the same way as I was (obviously he knows what sort of stuff'll be in there about him. ) but he took it one step further saying that he thinks it is really unfair to keep a diary and self indulgent etc etc because anyone could read it, read stuff about other people, etc. He obviously feels very insecure about what could be in there! But it felt like he was really trying to make me feel bad for writing a diary, but there is no way I am going to stop (told him so) or burn any of it (that thought fills me with ), because it is a lifeline for me.

Anyway the subject was closed with us and I don't think it's going to be an issue any more cos i wasn't budging (not that he was asking me to stop or burn it) but it did leave me feeling rather uncomfortable, esp as all those thoughts had already entered my head. Anyone any thoughts or opinions on this ? It had never occurred to me that it might be an issue for somebody else, I always figured it was my private business & that I would be the one to suffer if anyone read any of it! My dp is right that that is not so.

OP posts:
SueW · 28/11/2005 22:14

You only have to look at the hurt that's been caused by the release of private letters and taped phone conversations, let alone diaries, of well-known people to see the hurt that can be caused.

Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:15

Are u saying i shouldn't keep them?

PS I dread to think what dp would say if he knew i talk on here!

OP posts:
Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:16

btw i am making (and always have done) every effort to keep them hidden & secure - they are in a hiding place at home, and files on the computer are all password protected. And as I said I am going to get a filing cabinet.

OP posts:
SueW · 28/11/2005 22:19

Oops, not a great sentence but I think you get the gist.

Someone I know is going through a hard time wrt to a dead parent at the moment. There are allegations of cahs being withdrawn using a cashcard and wills being forged and things being taken from the house before the 'will' has even been to probate. You could keep the diary in a secure place e.g. with solicitor or bank with instructions no-one could access it until after probate or that it should be destroyed on notification of your death but a locked cabinet won't stop someone and the alternative is likely to be quite pricey

beetroot · 28/11/2005 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moondog · 28/11/2005 22:20

I've kept a diary since the age of 11 (and am now 38) and people's reactions at some hazy point in the future does not concern me-it is for me.

My mother was talking about her correspondence with my father form when they met the other day. She suggested that perhaps us three girls wouldn't read it (and no,I wouldn't) but the grandchildren might.

I think skipping a generation allows for objectivity.

Shocked at your dh telling you that you are being selfish tbh!

Anniek · 28/11/2005 22:20

Put them in a bank safety deposit box except the current one and keep that locked away, and leave them to your DD in your will, as by that time I'm sure she would be able to cope with anything you've written?

SueW · 28/11/2005 22:23

I'm not saying you shouldn't keep them - it is def not up to me whehter you do that!

SOme people would say they don't care what happens once they are dead; others would feel completely different.

hatstand · 28/11/2005 22:25

If you are truly serious about keeping them and really really want to protect people from hurt in the event of anything happening to you then I can only think that you need to keep them in some sort of safe deposit box thing and give the key to a very trusted friend or a solicitor, with instructions to destroy the lot if anything should happen. seems a bit ott on the one hand but not sure there's another way to do it. I'm sure your problem's not unique - I'm sure you'd get something out of google. Which makes me think of another solution - keep electronic diaries and keep them password protected. I;m very jealous of them btw! wish I had such a record of my life

crystaltips · 28/11/2005 22:27

Interesting - as I am in the same position.
Loads of diaries - in my bedside cabinet I'm sue that alot of it is drudgery and day to day stuff. But it also lists my kids milestones and the feelings and emotions I have had at their successes and failures.....

I NEED to write it down .... stop me nagging DH so much

Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:27

Thanks for suggestions. I wouldn't want them put away in a bank safety deposit whatsit, cos now and then I get them down & skim through them . Cringeworthy but amusing too!

DP didn't use the word selfish, but unfair and self indulgent, but perhaps that amounts to the same thing... He doesn't write a diary and never would, he couldn't handle reading back on it, and can't understand the need to. I reckon it's very healthy to be able to read back on cringeworthy stuff & be able to laugh about it and let it go.

Re leaving it to dd, I don't think I'd want her reading it even years & years to come, and there's also the risk of course of dying young... I think I would leave it to my sister who i am very close to and could trust with anything. But not even sure I'd want her reading it. A burning ritual is a good idea.

OP posts:
crystaltips · 28/11/2005 22:30

But bourneville - what's the point of burning all that history ? I know that if I am fortunate to die as a wrinkly old lady - I'd like my kids ( perhaps ) and definitely grandchildren to understand me better.

I don't think I have too many skeletons ( not yet anyway )

Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:30

Just caught up on last few posts... Yes it is definitely a NEED for me too crystaltips. And yes, a lot of it is boring stuff, especially the earlier years. More recently I write less often but usually about the serious stuff. Of course lenghty updates on dd's progress! And relationship issues, those are the 2 main topics in my diary atm . But I seriously think my head would explode if I didn't write it all down. It is how i clear my head, counsel myself, make decisions, etc etc... that's why I was so unbudging (couldn't think what word!) when dp was getting at me.

OP posts:
notasheep · 28/11/2005 22:33

How do you find time to keep a diary?

Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:33

The thought is heart breaking, crystaltips. But I don't think anyone I know would get any pleasure out of reading my diary ! It's true I would LOVE to read a diary if my mum ever kept one... hm ... perhaps I could handle even dodgy stuff in that...
I did once think that my retirement project could be to edit my diary & publish bits! Yes very self indulgent ! But tbh that would be a MAMMOTH task. Perhaps in the will it could state that it has to be in a deposit box till a certain date or something?

Anyway, I have been copying & pasting all dd related stuff into another file for her to read in the future, including my quite personal feelings about being a parent, etc etc, so she will have that.

OP posts:
Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:34

I only have 1 dd who goes to sleep good as gold at 7pm every night, and I am a single mum (dp is actually bf really but I think people use bf to mean best friend sometimes?) so have lots of evening time. Yes i'm very lucky!

OP posts:
compo · 28/11/2005 22:38

I have bad experiences of keeping diaries. I kept them all through my childhood (inspired by Dodie Smith's novel 'King of the Castle' until a few years ago). My b/f from uni read mine (her dp told me), I'm not sure for how long. I destroyed them all in the end as there was loads of stuff in them that would have hurt my dh if he'd ever read it. Whoever said they just keep them in their bedside table - don't you worry teh kids will find them when they are old enough?!!

Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:44

Well this is it, there's stuff that would hurt dp, and he obviously knows that. So he has a point. That's partly why (other reason is for myself!) I want to keep them as safe as possible.

OP posts:
compo · 28/11/2005 22:46

How do you know he doesn't read them? There was always that fear in my mind...

Original poster
bourneville · 28/11/2005 22:48

Well he has said a few times that he wouldn't want to (although during that conversation with our mate, he admitted he would prob sneak a peek if he came across them), and I know for sure he doesn't know where there are. We don't live together and he's not the type to go snooping about in my flat. He doesn't even know where the salt and pepper are .

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 29/11/2005 09:48

i think its up to you what you do with them but i really do think i would love to read my mums diary if she had one when im older (im 24 now) maybe you could keep it locked in a box with a code and you could arrange a kind of treasure hunt thing so she would have to find the code before she could open the box, but she'd have to be a certain age before she could begin the hunt for it? i dont know how it would work maybe you could write a birthday card for every year of her life with the age on the envelope and then she wouldnt know which one would have the code in and give the cards to a friend that you trust to give her a card every year? i would find that very exciting

i dont keep a diary but i do have a book that i started when i was 14 it has clippings from magazines/ newspapers, song lyrics, poems, letters, photos it is written especially for my children and i add to it very rarely probably only once a year at most i like to know that when i die my children will have something that was about me as a person it has all the things i love and am passionate about. Also it has things i would want them to know if i wasnt here to tell them, simple things like how to choose the right bra how to boil an egg (silly really but you never know) i only write happy things in there when im gone thats how i want them to remember me

crystaltips · 29/11/2005 14:29

This takes me onto another point - along the same lines ...
A pal of mine died recently of cancer - she knew that she was dying and we had many quiet moments talking about here children's future without her.

SHe wrote them each a letter advising them about bullying, boyfriends, drugs, their weddings .... all the things that you hope you can be there to help them through.

I have started these letters ( just in case ) plus a box of stuff they have made / acheived and about once a year add to them - saying how proud I am about what they have acheived.

I know it sounds really maudlin - but the hop is that they will never need to read these .... for a very long time.

LoveMyGirls · 29/11/2005 14:36

i think its a good thing that they will have something that shows how much you love them, it is a fact that you will have to leave your children behind one day, its very sad but hopefully the older you get the more they will have to look at and remember you by this is why i started my book even though i didnt have my kids then but i knew i would one day.

Original poster
bourneville · 29/11/2005 15:27

That's a really nice idea. I have a scrapbook for dd, but it's specifically hers, cuttings from magazines/papers that she likes, tickets to things we've been to, little updates I've typed out on what she's doing, etc. But nothing about me, unless you count the extracts from my diary related to being a parent that I was talking about before - that's separate from her scrapbook and is for when she's older.

OP posts:
notasheep · 29/11/2005 21:01

Bourneville,you have inspired me,I have so much kept stuff(mostly tickets and programmes) must start a scrap book!