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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating - please help!

30 replies

BabyG5 · 19/07/2011 12:26

I am in desperate need of some help and have no idea what to do. I am 7 weeks pregnant with my first child and have just caught my husband cheating on me. He has told me that it has only been the occasional kiss and I want to believe him. We have talked at great length about what happened and I think I do believe him. He really wants us to give it another go and our relationship was excellent before all this (which he also says - another reason why I can't get my head around it because we really didnt have any problems). Please, please don't advise me that if they cheat once they will do it again because for the sake of how I thought our marriage was before, and for the baby, I feel I must try again. But I just need some advice of how to move forward, as all I seem to be able to do is cry, be completely irrational, and am unable to stabilise my emotions. Help!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 19/07/2011 12:27

How did you catch him? What did you find?

Original poster

BabyG5 · 19/07/2011 12:30

I saw a message on his phone that made it blatantly obvious. Asked him about it and he admitted it was a close friendship that had developed with someone in work, that had just gone over the line. He said he never intended for it to happen and he's never done anything like this before.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 19/07/2011 12:32

So he still works with her? Did you get a good look at his phone? Or just the one message?

Sorry to hear this.

Original poster

BabyG5 · 19/07/2011 12:39

yes he still works with her. Yes a good look but he had deleted all the other messages so there was nothing there.

OP posts:

buzzsore · 19/07/2011 12:57

I think if there's any way he can distance himself from this woman, it will help. Can he move departments, change shifts or look for another job?

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/07/2011 15:57

Sorry to hear that. I would recommend that he stops all contact and remove her contact details.

I would recommend Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends (she has a website that you can look at).

niceguy2 · 19/07/2011 16:12

I'm sorry to say this but there are some very fundamental truths you need to get to and understand:

You thought your marriage was rock solid. It obviously wasn't.
He cheated. He says it never led anywhere more than some "occasional kissing". I'd suggest he's probably not telling you everything and is likely to have spun things a bit. Occasional kissing means more than once which means it's not a drunken snog thing in a club. It's calculated and he's deceived you with intent.
Having a baby will test even the most committed of couples. If he can't keep it in his pants now, he's even less likely to when you are knackered, feeling fat and unattractive and smell of baby sick.
By forgiving him too easily, you green light his actions for the next time.

So the next move really is his. He needs to prove that he is serious about making it work and not just because he got caught and feels guilty. how far is he willing to go? As buzzsore says, change depts, look for another job? Cut off all contact? Actions speak louder than words.

DariusVassell · 19/07/2011 19:51

I have spoken to loads of guys about this and there doesn't have to be anything wrong with a relationship at all for cheating to happen. So what your dumb ass H is telling you about this at least, is probably the truth, especially if you also say your relationship was good. So why did it happen? Probably a mix of a friendship crossing the line and him not being able to turn down an opportunity to have his ego stroked.

I also think he's probably lying about what really went on with this "friend" and if you're going to try again with him and forgive, you need the truth. You need to know whether they had sex and whether it was protected, for a start, as your baby's health could be at risk. Insist on the truth and shame him into telling you. Get yourself checked though, just to be on the safe side.

It's too early to say whether he'll do it again. He certainly will if he gets away with lying to you this time, about what really happened. On the positive side though, I've known guys who really regret their affair and just couldn't hurt their wives again. These are the ones who make damn sure that they avoid letting any work friends getting too close, because they know now that this is how it starts....

holyShmoley · 19/07/2011 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DariusVassell · 19/07/2011 22:02

Yeah, I don't disagree with that. Although I think a lot of guys just think they'll never get caught and it's not got much to do with their feelings about their wives. The point I was making (badly I guess) was that in most of the cases I've come across, it wasn't that they were unhappy at home or thought their relationships were problematical. It was more to with them as individual blokes, who were selfish and had giant egoes. Blokes who just couldn't turn down an opportunity, but were perfectly content in their relationships. So when this H says he was happy in his marriage and OP also thought things were good, I'm saying that this at least, is probably the truth.

The problem here is with the guy and not the relationship.

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 22:53

Hard to say at this stage in the thread. He should not be 'carrying on' and it's his wrongdoing that is the issue here. But...all marriages have their ups and downs and it's very, very rare that a person strays from a non problematic relationship.

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 23:00

Hope I didn't sound insensitive, op.

It's not true that once a cheater always....so don't worry on that score.

Agree with the advice given here and add that you must talk lots to each other. I donno, maybe he feels threathened by the prospect of a new baby coming along.

I feel for you especially at this stage of your pregnancy when you are so tired.
Best wishes.
X

HappyWoman · 20/07/2011 07:38

I think if he has had a shock with you finding out and it has really made him realise what he has got and stands to lose then you can get over this and he can learn not to get too close to work friends in future.
I also agree that there does not have to be anything wrong in the marriage for him to have 'taken' this chance. And he probably thought he had it under control and as long as you never found out there would not be a problem.
I think its us woman who think there must be something 'wrong' when men do this. And the ow would justify it to herself too.

I know its nothing like the same but i just love shoes - i have a perfectly good wardrobe full and they cater for every need i have. yet i still cant resist looking and even buying new ones.

I just think men dont see the problem until they are already in too deep. The flirty texting ........which leads often to more.

What I also think is true that men dont leave a relationship with no problems, and often another woman is behind that (helping to point out the 'problems' to him).

Make sure you talk about this and I would really suggest he tries to cut all contact and if he cant then be open about any contact and show her that he really wants to make a go of his marriage.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/07/2011 08:21

I disagree with Aislingorla - many men do stray when in happy marriages (including my H). Most affairs are all about the straying partner and his/her issues - remember it was their choice to have an affair rather than work on these issues.

After reading the Shirley Glass book (and WhenWillIFeelNormal's posts on here), and putting together a timeline, we realised that when the OW appeared on the scene, my H began to detach himself, find faults, become moody etc in order to justify starting an affair with the OW. For him it was a gradual process which took months.

However, this does not mean all happy marriages do not have vulnerabilities - individual, social, relationship and these vulnerabilities are what we are working on at the moment. For my H, he had several issues that he is having to face up to and as a couple we are working on our relationship vulnerabilities.

Aislingorla · 20/07/2011 08:38

I can personally relate to that timeline and can also say that my DH's ex ow did point out quite a few 'faults' in our marriage, encouraging him to think it was worse than it actually was. (eejit him!)
However, while agreeing that affairs do happen in 'happy' marriages/relationships ,it is the exception rather than the norm.

How are you today BabyG5?

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/07/2011 09:01

what makes you say its the exception rather than the norm?

Nearly everyone I know who has been in this situation tells me that it is the norm and many posts on here also suggest that. Shirley Glass, a very experienced marriage therapist also says that.

HappyWoman · 20/07/2011 09:40

I think what is the exception is that the men actually 'open up' and become truthful about themselves and what is going on.

I think the one factor that is common in all these situations is a lack of communication and it is generally from the mans side.

Communication is not just about what is said it is about what is not discussed - what is brushed under the carpet and not dealt with.

A man in defence will say ' she stopped paying me attention'
When the truth is he just carries on allowing his wife to think everything is ok, and never actually voices what we all feel from time to time.

A happy marriage is not one on a 'high' the whole time - everyone knows that.
There is a world of difference from an ok marriage to an unhappy one.

What needs to happen is communication that all marriages are at risk at sometime. And the ability for both partners to be able to talk opening and honestly - even on uncomfortable subjects.

Aislingorla · 20/07/2011 09:42

In a lot of marriages/relationships people drift apart or/and become complacent, stop spending time together,communicating,etc. Usually this occurs in long(ish) marriages with kids. I'm not sure if this is the case with you Baby, as I don't know how long you have been together.
Seek advice from a friend in RL who knows both of you and is a 'friend' of the marriage.

DariusVassell · 20/07/2011 09:46

I think the reason it's easier to think that a bad relationship causes this, is because that feels like something you can control. So it's tempting to think that if the relationship becomes good again, this wouldn't happen again. To acknowledge and face up to the probability that the problem was with the cheater and not the relationship, means accepting that you have no control over what someone else does - and that can be a bit terrifying. So I can see why you think this aisling and also why you've presented your opinion as fact. I think it's scary stuff when you realise that if someone wants to cheat, they will - and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Aislingorla · 20/07/2011 09:54

Darius you sound familiar, have you name changed?
Please try concentrate on the OP, she's asking for help here not me.

DariusVassell · 20/07/2011 10:00

Er, I thought I had given advice to the OP, downthread? She hasn't been back since.....

I thought it was important to accept what she and her H were saying too, and not tell her that she'd got it all wrong, about how good her relationship was. You're a bit prickly aren't you?

Aislingorla · 20/07/2011 10:05

Don't be silly DV.
I just don't agree with your same old, same old advice AND obsession with Shirley Glass. And I simply don't want to indulge you with an argument.
So have the last word and then go back to giving advice to those who want it from you. I don't, thanks.

DariusVassell · 20/07/2011 10:08

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 10:18

I agree that men don't have to be massively unhappy with their partner or wife to cheat. Its a combination of
1, thinking they'll get away with it
2, being flattered

3, that they are a 'cheater'

Not all men are cheaters. The fact that your partner cheated babyg means he is one. And particularly if there is nothing wrong with your relationship I don't see how you can just forgive him.

If he is prepared to be honest about why he did it, and this does mean there is something you can work on then that is how you will move on. You will need to set him goals (that he knows about and understands, not just 'tests' that you think up in your own head) and give him deadlines to meet them.
If he is serious about winning back your trust then he will do this. if it's all too much hard work for him then get rid.

I found out my partner had cheated on me when our DD was 1 year old. He told me that the reason was that I didn't make him feel attractive anymore and never initiated sex. I told him that i had gone off sex because I didn't feel attractive and i felt like he only turned on the charm when he wanted sex and treated me like one of his mates the rest of the time. i set him goals like; once a week have a bath run for me with candles and music when i get home from work, off to give me a back rub occassioanlly, let me lie in once a week while you take DD out... I gave him amonth and none of it was done. he was "tired" and "busy at work"
Basically because i hadn't outright left him he thought he was off the hook and things went back to normal...

So I left.

And i now have a partner who, 4 years on, does all of the above, even though i have never asked him to, makes me feel attractive, compliments me and always puts me first. And guess what - i initiate sex about 5 times a week

LaCidrai · 20/07/2011 10:44

Aislingorla - do you think DV is wwifn then, is that what you are getting at?

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