Cheating - please help!

[BabyG5]

I am in desperate need of some help and have no idea what to do. I am 7 weeks pregnant with my first child and have just caught my husband cheating on me. He has told me that it has only been the occasional kiss and I want to believe him. We have talked at great length about what happened and I think I do believe him. He really wants us to give it another go and our relationship was excellent before all this (which he also says - another reason why I can't get my head around it because we really didnt have any problems). Please, please don't advise me that if they cheat once they will do it again because for the sake of how I thought our marriage was before, and for the baby, I feel I must try again. But I just need some advice of how to move forward, as all I seem to be able to do is cry, be completely irrational, and am unable to stabilise my emotions. Help!

I think aklso under my "number 2" - being flattered comes hand in hand with the other woman who comes along and points out the faults, as has been mentioned below.

I personally think you really do need to consider if you can handle being a single mother because right now you still have choices.
Something fundamental has changed in your relationship and trust will be forever compromised by his actions.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are probably still in shock.
Even if he never does anything like this again you will wonder whenever he is late etc what he is up to. Sexually fidelity is obviously vitally important to you- for others less so. You have to put your needs first now. What do you want? If you wasn't pregnant would you have responded differently?

I think arguing whether the relationship is a 'good' one is silly.
But most who find out their partner has cheated do honestly believe they are in a good relationship. Partly because that is what the cheating partner wants them to believe too - and will often do things to make sure it appears that way too.
BUT there is only a relationship if both sides are giving to it equally.

It is only later when real communication begins that the relationship can be examined.

My h will accept that there was 'nothing wrong in our relationship' and that it was fault in him.
However I do think that i too had become complacent in our marriage.

What will give the op real strength is to know that she could cope as a single mum and that the only reason she is staying is because she WANTS to and not because she feels she can not cope alone.

Cheating is not something that 'just happens' either - the person has to accept that they are a cheat and have to learn how to deal with that.

It is not just a case of forgiving either - I have had to accept that my h was/is a cheat (he will never be able to take away what he did).

But I know i have the strength to survive with or without him and be happy whatever the future brings.

OP it will be hard and you have to accept that things will never be the same as before - never be the way you may have dreamed or wished. But that does not mean it can not still be fantastic.

You can recover from this (and worse) and it can be in so many ways better than the old relationship you had.

And does it matter whether it really was a happy marriage - that is now gone and your own perception is what really matters anyway.
If your h is willing to work together with you it can work out.

I don't believe happy marriages are those where there was nothing wrong either - real life isn't like that. However, it is important I feel that people cannot get complacent and think that simply because their marriage is a happy one, then cheating cannot possibly happen i.e the Prevention Myth.

If I had been the perfect wife, my H would still have cheated simply because of his feelings about himself and his life etc - the OW appeared at a time when he was extremely vulnerable to having an affair and there was nothing I could have done to stop it from happening.

Its important for the OP to understand that there was probably nothing she could have done to stop her H from straying and that her H has a lot of work to do to prevent it from happening again which means addressing all the vulnerabilities in himself, his work/social life etc. They both also need to look at putting up barriers and setting boundaries.

In order to prevent future straying, both partners must ensure that they examine all vulnerabilities, including those in themselves, the relationship as well as the environment (e.g workplace, social life etc).

Yes I agree
It is putting in place statagies and boundaries before it happens.
Unfortunately for most of us the feeling that we have a happy marriage is enough and it is difficult to think about problems when you honestly dont believe they will happen.

But that is why i do believe that if all parties can be honest about the relationship post affair it can work.

I honestly do believe that my marriage and certainly my own life is so much better now
Of course i would rather it never happened as does my H but it did and we both feel we have learnt a lot of lessons about ourselves and our marriage.

I think what the op needs to know is that it is in no way her fault, she has not failed her marriage just because she did not see the potential dangers.