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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just can't get through this hurt

28 replies

lookingfoxy · 19/07/2011 11:36

I feel a bit of a fraud for starting this thread after the end of my relationship which was only 6 years, but see the amazing advice others have been receiving after the end of long marriages.

But I could really do with some words of wisdom that things will get better, I feel so desolate for want of a better word and can't believe it is finally over, my doctor has given me AD's but they make me so sleepy half way through the day and im struggling to eat on them.

I ended it finally, he was very neglectful to me personally but a great father, so I see him regularly for ds, we had kept things very amicable for the last month and I seen that he was now acting like I had wanted him to be for years, this was really hard, we were getting on fairly well going on days out as a family (somethng he had never been interested in doing before) etc, I really missed him and was so lonely, so I asked him to give it another go and he said no. I am totally devastated and worse than when I ended it in the first place. I am crying all the time, I feel like someones died.

I had made progress before this, I got a full time job I love, I have started decorating, but I am and always have been quite a solitary and private person, I feel so alone and with no hope for the future.

We are going away this weekend to a festival me, ex, ds, ex's brother and his ds. I don't know how the hell im going to get though it without begging him to come back to me at some point and making a total fool of myself, I know I shouldn't go, but I am going to go as I am looking forward to the festival itself and ds is so excited about me going.

Sorry just a ramble, it just helps to get it all out.

OP posts:
buzzsore · 19/07/2011 11:45

Are you taking the anti-ds at the right time of day? Check with your GP or pharmacist. You might find that by simply changing when you have them, you won't feel the same side-effects. I had that once.

I can't advise you over the festival, as what I'd really want to say is don't go. Can a friend of yours attend with you to distract you? I expect it's too late.

msshapelybottom · 19/07/2011 11:54

I think that maybe spending time together as a family might be making things harder for you - blurring the lines so to speak.

Could you find a way to spend less time with your ex? At least give yourself some space to come to terms with you not being a couple any more. Take some time to get better.

If you have to go to the festival, what about getting your ex to take the kids and you go off by yourself? Would that work?

He's already told you he doesn't want to try again. Don't put yourself in a position where you will get rejected again.

It's very painful, but it will get better.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 19/07/2011 12:12

I'm going to try and vary the time I take the ad's, was taking them in the morning then switched to night time but still left me with the tierdness around 5pm, going to switch again!
I have in the last few days stopped all 'chatty' phone calls and texts.
I am going to try and distance myself from him at the festival as much as possible, I can't stand to be around him, it really hurts too much.

OP posts:
turCENSOREDss · 19/07/2011 19:39

I was devastated when I broke up with my ex (well, he broke up with me). For about a year he hummed and haaed about returning and for that year I was bordering on mentally ill. It was appalling. Like physical torture. Then one day, about a year later, I woke up and thought that this just HAD TO STOP. I simply couldn't take any more. I cut all the ties and went from strength to strength. Now I am married (mainly very happily) with 2 lovely kids. If you had told me that I could be so happy I would never have believed it. You seriously need to avoid all contact with him until you have healed. It is the only way. No more joint days out. Hand over your DC at the door and nothing more.

(And nobody ever fell in love with a desperate snivelling begging wreck so you are actually making yourself less of an attractive option to him anyway).

LeQueen · 19/07/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 19/07/2011 21:17

Thanks, some really good words there, your right, I can't feel this bad forever!
He's just left after a coffee (I know), but i've been very cool with him and it was strictly 'festival' practicalities that were talked about (by me anyway).
I did get the feeling he was trying to make me feel insecure by saying about a works night out next week and he was wondering if the crowd (all women) would want to go back to his flat after as he lives 5 mins from the venue, I seriously doubt this would happen for various reasons, but why bring it up? Just thoughtlessness I suppose, he did have a track record for subtle things like this during our relationship.

OP posts:
holyShmoley · 19/07/2011 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

turCENSOREDss · 19/07/2011 21:59

... or to be a tormenting fucker?

matthew2002smum · 20/07/2011 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 20/07/2011 09:54

Thanks, Im definetly not coming across as a crying wreck I can assure you, in 'public' and when I see him I am totally together.
I feel im getting my strength back more today, just going to get my hair done as well.
Im not sure whether he has someone in mind, he does have history of making comments specifically aimed at making me insecure, luckily I had cbt a few years ago and can literally see right through them now, I know if I had challegned him on the comment he would have admitted it was never going to happen (he likes to make himself appear more popular than he is).
Anyway, today's another day, going to get hair done then my lovely mums coming round to help me with some decorating later Smile

OP posts:
LeQueen · 20/07/2011 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 22/07/2011 10:20

Well today is the day of the festival, we shall all be leaving in a couple of hours, I am not going to make a fool of myself I will act with dignity and keep a polite distance, wish me luck because my heart is still breaking inside Sad I am going to focus on my son and make sure he has a ball, he is so excited.
He has made a couple of comments that would give me hope, but this may be out of pure habit and i've just disregarded them as otherwise he's not shown any signs.
Im feeling a lot stronger, but I know this weekend is going to set me back and could kick myself for being so nieve that I would be fine, but i'll keep that to myself till I get back here on Sunday!!

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 22/07/2011 11:28

Looking, you can do it! Dignified is definitely the way to go. Just keep your distance, you don't need him dragging you down any more.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 22/07/2011 11:56

Yes your right, I will get through it because Im bloody fabulous!
He can bog right off.
Really looking forward to having some fun with my boy Grin

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 22/07/2011 12:30

YES!! That's the spirit Grin

Hope you have a wonderful time with your ds!

turCENSOREDss · 24/07/2011 18:42

Hope it all went ok.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 24/07/2011 23:52

Well me and ds (all of us really) had a fabulous time at the festival.
I did make a total boob though, we did have sex together and a bit of a cuddle the next day, I know I shouldn't have.......
I haven't heard from him since this afternoon, so im guessing I just let myself get used in the hope of him coming back?!
He looked really sad when we cuddled, but that could have been pity/regret, gah, im just fooling myself aren't I !!!!

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 25/07/2011 10:03

So glad you had a great day...did you sleep with ex hoping that he would realise the error of his ways, or just to scratch an itch? Men can do and say all sorts of things in bed which mean absolutely nada afterwards, so don't drive yourself up the wall trying to interpret his facial expressions....maybe he needed a fart?!

Sorry, I'm being glib I know. I can understand the comfort aspect of having sex together, so familiar etc, but for your own sake, I'd draw a line under that and make a choice to move forward. You have separated for a reason, at least give yourselves time and space to figure out why!

Spuddybean · 25/07/2011 10:20

It is so easy to do (especially when you are away from your normal environment and all happy) - i've done it myself, many many times. I am also the queen of 'interpreting' facial expressions and innocent comments to mean that deep down they really want me back and will change etc.

But it has never worked out like that and i just end up prolonging the pain. I would try to limit contact and stop trying to be mates - it is too early.

He also knows you want him back, which is a real temptation for some people to exploit the situation under the guise of being confused.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 25/07/2011 10:36

The cuddling was seperate from the sex lol. It was probably bloody pity on his face!
I did have sex with him in the hope that he would come back.
I am going to need to limit contact because if he doesn't want me back I need to get over him.
Thankfully side effects of AD's seem to be disappearing and I am starting to feel 'normal' again

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 25/07/2011 13:04

lookingfoxy: focus on you for a while, give yourself time to get stronger and then maybe you'll be able to take a step back from everything and see things more clearly.

It's great that you are starting to feel more like yourself :) onwards and upwards eh?

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 25/07/2011 22:38

Im still so fed up and miserable without him, im at the doctors again next week to see if I need to up my dose, but tbh isn't this normal and something i'll need to go through regardless? Im definetly functioning much better on a 'day to day' basis, ie getting normal stuff done and going out and about.

This is going to be the hard bit, just getting on without him.

Im not really expecting a response, its just helpful to get it out.

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 26/07/2011 09:11

Looking, of course you are feeling like that. I think I cried myself to sleep for 6 months after my marriage ended. I was mourning the loss of the hopes and dreams we had built up together more than I was sad about losing him TBH. I couldn't see how I could be ok without him. Grief for the end of a relationship is about so much more than missing the person I think.

It's great to talk to your GP. Do you have friends in real life to offer support/distraction too?

Keep talking :) a day at a time is all you can do for now. It will get better but it hurts, there's no denying that.

Remember, just because it's painful doesn't mean that separating is a mistake. Didn't you tell us that he made a habit of putting you down, making you feel insecure? Imagine, when you are feeling stronger, never having to feel like that because of him again.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 26/07/2011 10:30

Thanks for replying Smile
I do have friends in RL I could talk to, but I choose not to, they know whats going on, but talking isn't going to make it go away!
On the plus side, I am far better off financially than I have ever been, not a massive amount, but if the car needed work done it wouldn't be a massive panic like it would have been before with him and his son hemoraghing (sp) money.

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 26/07/2011 12:47

Oh Looking, I remember who you are now...you know you've done the right thing...and there you go, a big positive already!