What to do about DH? I feel like the only adult in the house.

[HappyHollydays]

I don't really know where to start but I know that I need some advice from somewhere.

I feel like the crux of the problem is that my DH takes me for granted. We have a 2.5th old dd and another dc on the way.

DH works away a lot. His boss said he has the choice to refuse sometimes if it clashes with family life. I don't know how realistic this is but I know he has never refused. In the last two weeks he'd been home for 2 days.

When he is home he lays around the house doing nothing. He comes back to a clean and tidy house and within half a day it's destroyed. He makes a coffee, spills milk or sugar on the counter top but doesn't clean it up. He leaves dirty dishes on the dining table or living room floor. Presumably for me to pick up. One day I removed 5 teaspoons from near the kettle where he'd made tea all day and couldn't be bothered to put the spoons in the dishwasher or reuse.

He gets short tempered with DD because she changes so much while he's away that he doesn't know how to be with her.

I know that if he has to work he has to work and he will be tired when he comes home. I'm not asking him to do much. It feels like he's just sticking two fingers up at me by not giving a shot about the effort I've put in at home or the fact that it will be me tidying up after him. Like my spare time is less valuable than his.

I also work full time with 2-4 hours of commuting a day but I work compressed hours so that I have one day off a week with DD so I am tired too.

He likes the status of my job, I earn more than twice as much as him but he decided there were some things he wanted/needed and spent all of his spare money for the last 3 months which meant not paying his share of the mortgage, utilities etc.

He has a job interview this Friday and has done nothing so far to prepare for it. If it goes like the last one he won't get it and then will be miserable and I'll spend days trying to cheer him up.

I suppose I am just sick of giving. I give my time, I give my consideration (I've bought him a book on interview technique which he hasn't picked up) and I give my money and I get no thanks. If DD is ill I take the day off work never him.

We go for ages being fine and then it all comes to a head again and we row over the same things. Except now, like today, he won't even talk about it. He just walks away. I'm working from home, he's supposed to be watching DD but instead has lay on the sofa all day, watched tv etc. I have used my lunch break to make lunch for the 3 of us, stack the dishwasher and put washing on and then get DD to sleep for her nap.

He's sat with an angry face on like I'm vein unreasonable to be pissed off with him.

I am just so fed up of nothing changing. What can I do?

tbh if you are not sharing financially either (his part of the mortgage etc) it's as though you are two singles sharing a flat and a bit of childcare. He needs a big wake-up call and learn that having kids is about working as a team, there's no such thing as 'me' - it has to be 'us'.

I would ask you what you are getting out of this relationship now. It must be something, you're still there enabling this selfish man and with another child on the way as well.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here; what lessons do you want to impart to them?. Currently your child is being taught damaging lessons.

You cannot change him (I think you seem to be carrying on where his mother left off; she probably ran around after him all the time and allowed herself to be treated like a servant) but you can change how you react to him.

Where do you see yourself in say a year's time?.

BTW you may want to speak to ACAS regarding your work situation if your employers are being difficult.

So its your fault that you are unhappy? Wanting to discuss your feelings and try to address the resentment that seems to be building on both sides us not 'staying angry' . He needs a more mature attitude accross the board.

Is not us

I don't think I am getting much out of the relationship. Well, actually, thats not entirely fair. When we get on I enjoy his company. Other than that, I think lately I have just been treading water until mat leave.

I have booked an appointment with a therapist. At least then if nothing changes I would hope that he would understand why it didn't work out and I can say to DD that I did everything I could and I can not wonder if I have made the wrong decision.

His mum does run around after him - after both of us when we visit actually. I can't move without her making drinks and food and if we go out for the day she will have gone through my stuff and washed anything that has been worn. I don't want to blame his mum though, he's 33.

I feel in some ways it is my fault for putting up with it and I think we are both resentful.

His good mood has ended since I have told him about the counselling session.

The fact that he got angry when you suggested counselling is just further proof of his bad attitude. He doesn't even want to fix it. Twat.

Yes but his mum never helped her son by running around after her son (and presumably her own husband as well). You've ended up carrying on where she left off with regards to chores.

And that's another point; why is his mother allowed by both of you to go around your home and go through your stuff let alone wash items of clothing that has been worn?. I think you need firm boundaries now with regards to this particular individual because she will otherwise continue to overstep the mark every single time. If she has a key I would ask for it to be returned. Presumably your H also says nothing about her doing such things.

How often do you and your H really get on; I bet you can count the recent "good times" only on the palm of one hand and I bet they were good only because he was not actively sulking or acting like Kevin the teenager. He may well be 33 now but his emotional age seems to be around 14-15.

If he does not get the job this Friday it is not your role to try to snap him back out of it. He's probably enjoying you running around after him.

Thought he would throw a strop when you mentioned counselling. He is not bothered at all.

Go to counselling on your own and do not be put off.

His good mood has ended- not to sound like a pseudo phycologist but this is emotionally blackmailing you. You are being punished for suggeting counselling. What a Dick.
On another note, there seem to be a lot of 'insecure' men who use this as an excuse to be a cock.

Sorry, I gave the wrong impression about his mum. She lives about a 100 miles away and she takes the clothes out of the guest room we stay in and washes them. I don't let her do it to mine anymore but DH does. I can't see why I need someone to wash my underwear when I am going home in 2 days.

He's sulking on the sofa after trying to say the way things are are my fault for not making time for him. I told him to pull his weight around the house and I'd have time to make for him. I also asked why he doesn't arrange something or suugest something. Because the reality is he's just trying to make this my fault.

I have told him that I am no longer bailing him out and taking the consequences because he won't take responsibility for the things he should be (car, tidying up after him, chivvying him up after a job rejection). I said I live like a single parent and he's like the son visiting from uni. I have spent the last few months just saying "things will be fine once I have started mat leave" but actually they won't. I said he says he wants to be with me but he acts like he doesn't so we need to make the actions match the words and if that means not being together and acting like it then so be it. But his choice is counselling and if he isn't committed to that then he can go now.

I am fuming.

Well done, you!

I could have said more but DD is home and its not fair to do this in front of her.

I have just left him with my final say on it for today. If he isn't committed to counselling then to tell me now because I am not paying for something that is doomed to fail. I'd rather we got our living arrangements sorted and I had time to make plans alone before the baby arrives.

you are expected to pay for his counselling ?

oh dear

you are just not getting it, are you ?

Haha! Oh no, I've said we're both paying. I thought it defeated the object if he didn't even pay!

I'm not that much of a doormat!

well then, you own counselling won't be wasted money will it ?

although, tbh, individual counselling may be better for you

no chance of throwing good money away, and might help you work out why you do actually come across as a doormat

Cheers

Steady Anyfucker...Happyholidays, AF does this. It's rude and she should know better. Life is more complicated than being a doormat.

BG, you should know better too

appeasing a selfish man will get you precisely nowhere except further down the shitty end of your self esteem

I wish somebody had told me to stop being a doormat when I was letting someone wipe their feet on me

"insecurity" in men has a lot to answer for...

So I have lay awake for the last 3 hours wondering why I am stuck in this pattern, why it's taken me until my 30s to see it and why even when I post on an anonymous forum for advice I'm still left feeling like a fucking idiot.

I'm not a fan of the tough love AF there are other ways of saying the same thing.

So in my insomnia I have been asking myself when in my life it changed. At what point did I let this happen.

Well, I'm not a fan of mother-bashing but my mum & dad worked a lot when I was growing up. I am the oldest of 4 and mum liked us to do the house stuff because her and dad were always working. Obviously we hated it & to ensure our compliance she used a mixture of bribery & threats. The threats were mainly abandonment/withdrawal of her love. She would say our behaviour gave her chest pains or made her so sad she wanted to jump in the river (& sometimes leave the house for dramatic effect). Or she would threaten to leave us with some family member we had never met or at the "children's home" even driving us there and dropping us off if she was particularly annoyed, Cue 4 children crying outside what was probably a library or something while she did a lap of the block. I was terrified of being alone and I recognise that this feeling has only gone since DD was born.

Anyway, when I was 15 doing my GCSEs she did leave. She left us with my dad. My youngest sibling was 7. My dad fell apart and so I became like the parent. I cleaned, I cooked, I took the boys to school. I didn't see my friends and I counted down the days to Uni, I was praised by everyone for looking after my siblings and I suppose I liked that but I had no choice, they needed me.

Eventually I went away to Uni (something I struggled with afterwards because they tell me how shit things were for them after I'd gone). I graduated, got a job, bought a house and met DH.

He was great fun. Spontaneous whilst I was a planner, exciting but mostly he lived this disorganised life and appreciated everything I did. Well, no, he let me do things for him. Let me cook, let me fuss. So I continued looking after someone, was comfortable being needed again and I associated it with a caring relationship.

Fast forward 7 years and I have just realised that I'm not happy, I'm stuck in a cycle of rows and repeat behaviour and I don't know how to change.

I have DD now so maybe that fulfils my need to care and be needed, I don't know. Maybe it's also why I am less frightened of being alone. That worry was certainly a factor in not following through on some of my ultimatums with DH over the years.

Either way, yesterday was like a turning point for me.

We have counselling booked for this weekend. DH says he doesn't want to talk to someone when we can sort it out ourselves. I'm not even debating it with him this time. I've said we go or that's it.

I have also lay here trying to work out how I can afford to be a SAHM if we split up. I think the answer is I can't. I won't even be able to afford to stay in this village but I will be able to cope without him if I go back to work when the dc2 is 1.

I hope I'll be able to sleep after getting that out...

Ps thanks barbie

But you can't afford to be a SAHM if he stays, surely, if you earn twice what he does and he spends his share of the morgage/bills on stuff?

I was planning to work for myself around the children. Evenings and weekends and he'd watch them. I don't want to rely on him to be there for all of that every week if we're not together.

I suppose it's not really SAH, more changing work patterns.

You're right, either way financially I cant do it without him. I'd planned 3 years at home but my savings won't let me do that.

Yep, I see. Will you be able to work daytimes from home and utilise daycare? I can see that working weekends and evenings, and then staying at home during the day, with a partner who does absolutely no housework and spends more than he earns, will exhaust you very fast.

Yes, its probably safer to stay with my employer if I'm alone (sickness & annual leave etc). I'd have plenty of time to look into childcare and DDs preschool.

I think I'll plan financially as though I'll be alone but to be truthful, I can't see me being worse off. I need to look at the figures but off the top of my head, it just feels unlikely.