DH wants X I want Y, what can I do?

[dejinglejags]

It?s me and my location in the world again . Sorry in advance if I am boring you all to death about this but I really need to moan to somebody and I can?t talk to DH.
For those that don?t know ? we moved to Cape Town a little over a year ago and I am so bloody miserable I often feel like sitting down with my head in my hands and having a good cry. This is becoming increasingly worse ? I am so snappy with DH, homesick all the time and just sick and tired of feeling like a fish out of water all the damn time .
Problem is, is that DH will not consider moving back to the UK ? we are currently looking at Australia but this is a long-winded process so not a quick fix and certainly not definite. If I even mention being homesick, DH will retort with something along the lines of ? why are you ?home?sick, this (Cape Town) is your home. If I labour the point he becomes tense and unhappy. So now I refrain from saying anything at all. In his defence, he can?t understand why I don?t think of Cape Town as home, because I went to school here.
I have a constant lump in my throat and I think I am becoming depressed. Problem is, is that?s the way DH felt when we lived in the UK.
The other thing is that we have had to cancel our life dream of a round the world trip to accommodate the application for Permanent Residence in Australia for various reasons and I am gutted about this too
What can I do? I am damned if I do, I am damned if I don?t.

thanks all, seems I get ignored all too often on here. occupational hazard of being terminally boring.

ho-hum

Hi dejags haven't been around for a month since returning to UK from Chicago. Have to take dd to nursery in a mo but if you are around later can chat. (PS do you still want a parcel of "englishness" when I come in FEB?

hi dejags. sorry you are so down. I am not in the UK either but feel OK about it, so can't completely empathise.
Can you not make a long-term plan wehich will involve moving where you want to eventually? Might it make it a little more bearable? In the meantime, would you be able to go for a fairly long stay to the UK (with any kids)?
Maybe the trip is not cancelled, just put on hold?
sorry no cleverer suggestions right now.

Gosh I don't think you are being ignored dejags, just that there can't be that many people here with your experience. I for one would not leave Gb in the first place and dh knew that even though he would sometimes like to go back home to Oz.

I am not sure how you feel about going to Oz. I also don't really understand what it is you dislike so much about CT or what dh disliked about GB. Would it be any better in Oz? Why?

Sorry, no help at all, but just wanted to explain why it is hard to reply.

i dont know if this compares, but when i moved from up north, i left my family, i was hugely involved in teh community and constantly had someone to bitch about, i left friends and a social life which had taken off as the kids were a bit older.

i moved to a job i hated, and thought that i would get over myself. a year on and i couldnt believe it i still "blew up" periodically, crying like a spoiled brat that i wanted to go home dh said " this is your home!"

so anyway i realised that what was killing me was isolation. my kids were older i didnt have a excuse to do that baby club thing - the school cliques were already formed and i couldnt perservere as i didn't often pick them up from work.

i couldnt get into the social life at work thing - becuase my job unlike most others involves a lot of out of office stuff so sometimes i am hardly there.

as a last resort ( and it so was) i gave in and decided to go to pub with dh.

we went playing pool. somethng we both like, and more crucially, we didn't hjave to have face to face forced conversations over a candlelit meal. thats just not us and lets face it you have fuck all new to say after 15 years of marriage - but we have good times.

we sat down and talked and agreed to sort the finances out so that i could go to oldham every couple of months to see my family.

so am happy.

i think what i am sayng is that for me it took well over a year to accept my situation and decide i had to try and make it work instead of wishing i was somewhere else. dh was very accomodating and jigged finances so i could go to oldham
and we sorted a social life. theres nothing more soul destroying for me than working all week and watching Ant & fcking Dec on saturday night tv. next thing you know its monday and work again and it just seems like a snowball of shite.

is there any chance you can plan for say 2 trips home in the year - something to save up for and look forward to?

think about your social life too - its hard to bring in new things to your relationship if you have nothing new to talk about.

maybe a quiz night or something?

can you take a college class?

something to broaden your experiences of life to enable you to say " you'll never guess what happened to me today!"

hth

xx

I kinda know what you mean. When we were in the UK I felt depressed and down, so we moved to France and now I feel that life is much better, I like it here and could happily stay. Trouble is that dh feels just like I did back in England. He is terribly homesick, he misses everything English, the TV, the pubs, his friends, the language, etc. I've posted a few times on Mumsnet when this has reached critical point. We've considered splitting up over it, him going back and me staying here with the kids. Now we are on a shaky compromise. We are to make a decision at Christmas as to where we live. If he decides that he still wants to move back to England then we do that, but every couple of years we all, as a family, take 3 months out to go travelling. I don't know how we will afford this, but I will make damn sure that we do, even if I have to work at a checkout girl every weekend! It'll be worth it for the escape every couple of years.

You really need to sit down with your dh and explain that you feel just like he did when you lived in England. He is probably scared stiff of going back, I know that I was. Every time dh moaned about France I would bite his head off! I felt I had to defend my decision to bring us here every few minutes! We very did nearly split up over it, but this allowed us to clear the air and we realised how strongly the other felt.

There doesn't appear to be any compromises in a situation like this, but there will be, you just have to look for them.

Hope this helps!

How long have you been there dejags? I've found when moving country in the past that the first week is exciting and frantic, the next 3 weeks are fraught and frantic and the next 2-4 months are often miserable and I want to go back/somewhere else.

Can you identify what exactly it is that you don't like about living there? Is it "everything" (ie it's not the UK), or are there a few things that you find intolerable and everything else is ok?

Thanks everybody!

Sorry for the petulant comment about being ignored - I am feeling so down about this it is making me a bit bitchy!

at least your name cheers me up cliffrichard

Lonelymum - you are right, I am not sure that going to Australia wouldn't be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire but there are lots of fundamental things about Cape Town that really, really make me unhappy. The poverty, the crime, the low value placed on life, the racism I could go on and for each of these things there are loads of positives too. I suppose for me it's simply that I don't feel at home - no getting around that.

I do have loads of acquaintances but it's just not gelling and I can see it causing a big rift with my lovely husband. I think if I forced the issue he would go back to the UK but I'd always feel as if it was a choice made under duress (sp?) so I soldier on, hoping that I'll start to settle down.

Chicagomum - you are lovely. You must come and have a bbq with us when you are over here!

Custardo - you made loads of solid suggestions thank you!

Biggest problem of all is that me and DH are a happy couple and I can feel that this is coming between us and I don't want that . I know I have to sit him down and explain but I feel afraid that he'll just dig his heels in.

Am rambling now, so I'll shut up and think about this a bit more.

Bran - we've been here 13 months.

The pros are:
Lovely big home
Lovely car
Flexible job
DS1 is in a good school at the moment

Cons:
Job security is non-existent (we could be sacked tomorrow)
Crime
Socio-economic disparity (I can't tell you how many times I have come home in tears when seeing little kids hungry and begging - most SA's couldn't give a monkeys)
There are no universities for the kids - we are afraid they will grow up and leave us - this is a big reason for considering Australia
Further presidential candidates are nowhere near as liberal as the current president - South Africa could very possibly end up like Zimbabwe.

Again I could go on for hours but for me, it's just that I feel sad and out of place (despite having many "friends). It just isn't home.

I have no answers but there have been a couple of good ones here - all I know is that someones gotta give it's just a question of who?

I don't envy you, just wanted you to know I feel your pain!

sorry - pretty useless I know!

i think the unstable political climate as you see it - would fking terrify me. together with no job security am afraid i would move.

there are certain things you can do for yourself but not a lot to change the above.

at least australia is not going to turn into zimbabwe. best to get kids settled as soon as.

Ooops, I thought you were talking about chromosomes when I saw the title!

I am planning a move away from manchester at present. I've tried over the last four years to 'fit in' and really feel that I don't. Finding a few friends has helped but I don't think it's the place for me despite that, in my case it hasn't filled the gap. My marriage failed recently and though I can hardly say it's due to my unhappiness with where I live (and so his) I am sure the lack of a support network didn't help.

I would say to anyone in a similar position to move if you do have the option. If it means a wait, look forward to it in the meantime. Generally moves are for the better I think, it's just sometimes they aren't and if you really are unhappy now, things can only improve.

Custardo - they do terrify me (I lie awake worrying about it). That's why I have insisted on Australia - at least DH and I agree on this. The problem is, is that it is going to be difficult for us to get into Aussie and I worry what will happen if they don't want us.

Sometimes I wonder where my brain was the day we decided to move back. Cape Town is a fantastic place for a holiday but moving back here to live - what was I thinking?

I think admitting I cocked up is a bit of a problem too - my awful father pre-warned me about this and I just imagine his delighted response when he realises he was right.

Off home now, so will speak with DH after the kids go to bed and let you know how we get on.

cool hope things turn out ok

I think you're definitely past the settling in phase, and from what you say you genuinely won't grow to like it. What a difficult situation, I feel for you and your dh.

Is it your dh's home country? If so then a move to Australia might have the advantage that it's new territory for both of you, although there's always a possibility that you will both be homesick there. What were the specific things that your dh didn't like about the UK? Was it things that would be better in Australia? It certainly sounds as though Oz would be better for you from the cons that you listed. When we visted my bil and his family in Tanzania it really brought it home to me how difficult it is (emotionally and practically) to live in a country where there is a big gap between rich and poor.

I'm so sorry you're still feeling bad about your move to SA, Dejags. You don't think that having got the first year under your belt will make it any easier thereafter? Is there anything you can do that will help alleviate the problems you see around you, charity work etc?

Would your dh consider coming back to the UK if you went to a different area to where you were previously? What was it about the UK he doesn't like? Could you not postpone your RTW trip, rather than cancel it?

Btw, have the universities in SA all been closed down? I know people who studied at SA uni's, though they've all been medics, now I come to think of it.

Thanks everybody.

Basically DH dislikes SA for all the same reasons as I do, however, particularly the job insecurity. He can't stand cold weather - sounds ridiculous I know but I do believe he suffered from SAD when we lived in England.

So it's a conundrum. I still haven't chatted to him - not sure it's worth the aggro tbh but I'll speak to him later when he's finished working.

I know what I'd do if I had the option, but I don't, so best to get on with things eh?

Will pop yo

I really should preview - ignore that errant however,

Several years ago DH and I tried to move back to Australia, after so many years in England we felt like fish out of water and felt homesick for London, we came back after six months. We have never regretted our choice, but I do wonder if we had given it a bit longer (a year or so) if we might have settled in.

I think the reasons you give for not wanting to live in SA are pretty solid. ( I could not cope with those issues either). The potential for SA to turn into another Zimbawee is a good reason to get out.
If you do move to Australia it will take time to settle in. Why might it be difficult for you to move to Australia? What jobs do you do?

Everyone who has posted about the political climate are making good points. For your children's safety and future I would move too. If you can get in, Australia would be far better, it's safer, it has Universities, it's a friendly place and it's part of the Commonwealth so still a little bit British!

If I were you I would go ahead with the move to Australia, see if it works out. But you need to have a back-up plan in case it doesn't. Your dh probably does hear you, but may well be feeling as you are, that a mistake has been made, but he's too proud/stubborn to admit to it.

So you're from SA and your dh is British Dejags? How long were you in the UK for before going back? Anyone who has moved countries knows how hard it can be, once the initial excitement has worn off. I came here from Australia 10yrs ago and found the first few months tough, and I only had myself to worry about, not a dh or children (yet ). My dh, who I met here, is from SA, and we have spent the past 7rs (how long we've been married) deciding where to settle. We never quite felt at home here, although have a group of close friends and good jobs etc. After several visits back to both our countries, we've decided on Australia, pretty much for the reasons you list, job security for dh, crime/safety, & the uncertainty of what will happen in the next 10yrs or so, after watching Zim.
If your dh is happy to give Australia a try & your application is approved, then I think you should go for it, you have nothing to lose. My only advice is to not put too much pressure on the move as a way of fixing everything. No country is perfect & the UK, SA & Aust are all very different, even though they are Commonwealth countries. We've decided we need to allow 5yrs to really give it a good go - if we have in our heads we can leave after a year, than I wonder if we'll really settle back in, or just use it as an excuse should things get hard.
Have either of you been to Australia previously? Which city/s are you considering? Would dh have much trouble finding work there?

Hi Dejags. Assuming you get into Australia, what are your worries about it? The Pros of Australia are the same as SA, but there aren't the same Cons. Or any, at that level. Of course, it's not perfect, but it's by far one of the best countries I've lived in.

It's still not the UK though. What do you miss about it? Because I'm shallow I miss Baby Gap.

I'm in Australia and I do miss some (sensible!) things about the UK, but I know it will be a fantastic place to bring up my DD. She has a great life here, much better than London. We're deciding whether to stay at the moment.

Dejags, hello, didn't see this thread yesterday. Cannot offer much in the way of helpful insight in that I am now living approx 2 miles from where I grew up and spending a year in the bit of France closest to England's south coast is as adventurous as I ever got
I too could not live in SA for all the reasons you outline - custy was spot-on about the worry of it degenerating into Zimbabwe-type anarchy. I often think of Australia with envy and then I remember Suzy going off on one (very justifiably IMO) about the dreadful things they do to creme fraiche in Perth. If the weather is a big factor for you both, how about Southern Europe...is that a possibility?
So very sorry your move has not worked out and that you are so down at present