Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP choked me during sex. upset

75 replies

isitjustmeorwhat · 17/07/2011 12:30

last night when we were having sex DP put both his hands around my neck, which he has done before but this time he went one step further and actually pushed down hard on my neck until I almost passed out.

I was a bit shocked tbh and wanted to stop altogether after that. I told him to stop but he carried on even though he knew I didn't like it.

Thinking about it today I am really really upset. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
HoneyDuke · 17/07/2011 14:35

Wtf? He could have killed you. I would be going to the police. There is no version of reality in which this is acceptable.

coccyx · 17/07/2011 14:38

Please have no more to do with this man.

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 14:39

Well done. Please get some support/advice from Rape Crisis.

Don't get into a dialogue with him now if he starts calling/texting you. You might want to go to a friend or family member for a while - you don't have to tell them what happened, but I think you could do with people who love you around you.

YNK · 17/07/2011 14:43

Please get someone you trust to be with you today and do not enter into any more dialogue with him.
I'm sure he will try to minimise what he has done.
Please do not listen!

reallytired · 17/07/2011 14:45

" said if I hear any more from him then I will be calling the police. I suppose all the warning signs were there, can't believe I was that stupid."

Please you aren't stupid and don't let anyone suggest you are stupid.

Domestic violence happens to women in all walks of life.

Dorje · 17/07/2011 14:46

Have a chat with the police. That sounds like rape and domestic violence to me as he did not stop when you asked him.

Be careful OK?

madonnawhore · 17/07/2011 14:49

Have read the whole thread with my jaw on the floor.

What a horrible, horrible ordeal for you to have gone through OP. This man sounds absolutely vile. Well done for being strong enough to get rid of him.

I can only echo what other posters have said and suggest that speaking to rape crisis would be very helpful for you in terms of sorting out your emotions. Do you have any friends you can tell? Someone who can come and hold your hand today?

EssentialFattyAcid · 17/07/2011 14:58

Blimey - he could have killed you - I would definitely talk to the police. You poor thing.

ShoutyHamster · 17/07/2011 14:59

Well done. Yes have a chat with Rape Crisis or Women's Aid. They could give you some useful lines for support should you need to talk this through. Oh and no you are not stupid - in fact, very together and proactive. Well done on getting him out of your life. Stay safe, and contact the police immediately if he continues contacting you.

lazarusb · 17/07/2011 15:12

None of this was your fault OP. He alone is responsible for what he did, the decisions he made. As said above, do not enter into any further dialogue with him. Please, please, contact a friend or family member who can spend some time with you.
Please report it too. The next person he does this too may not be able to walk away.

NotADudeExactly · 17/07/2011 15:15

So he is a rapist who has also hit you on occasion?

Run like the wind!!! Don't ever see that man again, he's dangerous!

So sorry this has happened to you - please protect yourself from him.

By all means do speak to Rape Crisis or WA as mentioned by others here. I would also suggest having your neck looked at by a doctor. This is not just to make sure there are no hidden injuries but also for you to have a record of this incident in the future. If you do wish to report him in the future or he causes further issues it will be good to have some evidence.

spiderbabymum · 17/07/2011 15:18

That is really really dangerous behaviour

jenny60 · 17/07/2011 15:32

well done OP. Stay strong, keep posting if it helps and try to talk this through with RL people, preferably a friend and someone at Rape Crisis. They are trained to help you get through this.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 17/07/2011 16:08

OP: well done you.

Please get some RL help: talk to friends, Women's Aid and the police if you feel up to it.

The man you describe is unlikely to take "it's over" for an answer. I guarantee you haven't heard the last from him. It is essential that you protect yourself.

To protect yourself emotionally which you need after such an awful ordeal please please please have no more contact with him. Change your e-mail address and phone numbers. Anything he says to you from now on will be very damaging to you (it could be any or all of denying, minimising, blaming you, making sweet promises, issuing threats...); better to simply not see it. You are still too shaken for it to leave you unaffected.

Please do not phone, write to, or see him: he won't hear your reasonable position, won't accept it. You cannot convince him that what you have chosen is right and for the best. He will never accept that he has done wrong, and will only try to angrily or manipulatingly get you to recant and fall back into line with what he wants you to be. Stay away from that hell.

FreudianSlipper · 17/07/2011 16:16

no no no

not in the slightest, this is assult

all i can advise is to give womens aid a call. that you are asking this question, that he did not stop when you asked him to shows that your relationship is not what it should be and this is not jsut a one off aggressive incident, aggression is not always just a physical act

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 17/07/2011 16:44

You poor thing what a horrendous experience Sad

You need to get yourself some help and guidance and othershave suggested above and I would definitely be contacting the police. They need to know he behaves this way, what if he does the same to his next girlfriend? Or worse?

noddyholder · 17/07/2011 16:46

For various reasons which i won't go into here that would be enough for me to leave.

sternface · 17/07/2011 16:48

Have you posted about this bloke before OP? And the one before him who liked "playfighting"?

ZhenXiang · 17/07/2011 16:58

You are not over reacting he strangled you during sex and then refused to stop when you wanted to and became more violent. As others have said that is assault and rape.

You need to stay away from him, stop all contact phone or otherwise and then you need to go to the police. Imagine if he does this to someone else and it goes wrong he could kill someone. Get a good friend round to give you some support and be kind to yourself.

swallowedAfly · 17/07/2011 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Vickiw1 · 17/07/2011 19:39

It would be good to go to a rape crisis centre near you to talk with someone that can help you unpick what he did. You had consented to sex - he then choked you without that being agreed first - that's a serious physical assault. He then continued having sex after he had seriously physically assaulted you and you had withdrawn consent for sex - that's now rape. He then told you you were overreacting. I wonder if he would have thought he was overreacting if a man choked him out of the blue when they were having a drink together. This man has serious bullying issues and you need to talk through the best way of you withdrawing out of this relationship safely. Women's Aid can also help or Gaia if you're in SW London. Take very good care of yourself and I would think twice about discussing it too much with him until you're a lot more clear on what he has done and the best way of dealing with him.

ironman · 17/07/2011 21:03

This sounds horrible. You should be careful, he might stangle you again and not know when to stop...IMHO you should stop seeing him immediately..Sad

hellymelly · 17/07/2011 21:18

strangling like that is meant to be one of the key markers for future extreme violence and murder.I understand how you must feel as an ex boyfriend did that to me,although during an aurgument.It was exremely frightening and I still have nightmares about it.You are right to leave him now.It is completely abnormal and psychopathic behaviour.I wish we could post pictures of men like this online to warn other women not to date them.

lightsandshapes · 17/07/2011 21:32

They do that in porn sex. That is not 'love' sex, but uncaring sex. I wouldn't waste another minute on him. He's not got the heart you thought he had. Please look after yourself x

AnyFucker · 17/07/2011 21:41

ok

you have told him it's over

make it be so

that is all

all the best x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread