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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP choked me during sex. upset

75 replies

isitjustmeorwhat · 17/07/2011 12:30

last night when we were having sex DP put both his hands around my neck, which he has done before but this time he went one step further and actually pushed down hard on my neck until I almost passed out.

I was a bit shocked tbh and wanted to stop altogether after that. I told him to stop but he carried on even though he knew I didn't like it.

Thinking about it today I am really really upset. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 17/07/2011 13:47

There are a lot of shocking things on this website this is so upsetting and sad as well as shocking.

TBH if it was me, the relationship would be over full stop.

reallytired · 17/07/2011 13:47

Your DP could have killed you. You need to get this man out of your life.
It is violent and sadistic to treat someone in this way. It is serious domestic violence and you need to get out of this relationship.

Please get help from Women Aid, the police, your health visitor (if you have children under 5), or social services to get out of this situation.

Please seek medical help urgently.

Original poster

isitjustmeorwhat · 17/07/2011 13:49

no we don't live together yet and no i'm not hurt. just trying to make sense of it but keep crying, i don't know whats wrong with me. he sent me a text a few minutes ago as though nothing has happened!

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 17/07/2011 13:51

I know of two men into this, one a friend of my ex husband, him and his girlfriend had something written up and left with someone in case during sex he went to far and she could not be woken up, i.e he went too far in strangling her, they used to do it until she passed out.

My kids father has mentioned previously that he does this strangling with a certain girlfriend.

Personally I'd hate it, and I'm not sure how it even starts.

But if you aren't happy with it then tell him no more.

Original poster

isitjustmeorwhat · 17/07/2011 13:52

No dc so no ties. I don't think there is any way we can be together after that. I haven't answered his text yet. Thinking what to say..

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 17/07/2011 13:55

That the relationship is over. That you do not wish to see him again, and that he is lucky you do not contact the police.

That was rape. end of.

Take care of yourself x

Original poster

isitjustmeorwhat · 17/07/2011 13:56

yes if neither of you have a problem with it that's fine but I told him to stop because I was genuinely scared and he didn't. He has also hit me a couple of times as well (not during sex) and I don't think I want this anymore

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 17/07/2011 13:58

Im sorry honey but I think you should dump him, he sounds horrendous, when you said stop and he didn't he was raping you.

You deserve far better than this.

M0naLisa · 17/07/2011 13:58

You say he has done this before but not to the extent of last night.

Tehn you said he got violent and it wasnt the first time = wouldnt the first time have put you off

Leave him.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 17/07/2011 14:01

Dump him. That sort of play is a dangerous game and you need to completely trust the man you're with.

YNK · 17/07/2011 14:02

No need to reply to his text either.
Is there anyone you can talk to in RL?
Phone Womens Aid, and consider phoning the police too!
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

ShoutyHamster · 17/07/2011 14:03

He could have killed you, frighteningly easily.

That's before you even get to the fact that he raped you.

Not only that, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong - you were apparently 'overreacting' to be frightened and horrified that your boyfriend raped and physically assaulted you. Mind you, he's already started on the smacking you around, so are you THAT surprised?

I sincerely hope that you have no intention of having anything to do with him ever again. GET RID GET RID GET RID!!!!!!!!!

reallytired · 17/07/2011 14:04

"isitjustmeorwhat Sun 17-Jul-11 13:49:49
no we don't live together yet and no i'm not hurt. just trying to make sense of it but keep crying, i don't know whats wrong with me."

isitjustmeorwhat,
Nothing is wrong with you. Your reaction is quite in proportion to what you have suffered. You are probably experiencing post traumatic stress. It is hard to believe that someone you love could treat you so badly.

Like many victims of domestic violence prehaps you are experiencing Stockholm syndrome.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

I was in a similar situation when I was 19 and I have experienced Stockholm syndrome. It is nothing to do with intelligence and its caused by the extreme stress of situation you are in. It is why its so hard to break out of a violent relationship. The fact that many people think that victims of domestic violence as stupid often compounds the problem. It makes the victim feel more isolated and smashes confidence further.

Do you have friends or relatives that you could go to in a different part of he county? Please get some real life help and support today.

ShoutyHamster · 17/07/2011 14:05

Oh and yes your reply should be:

'Our relationship is over. I do not wish to discuss anything with you or see you again. If you try and contact me or harrass me in any way, I shall be contacting the police and reporting you for rape and assault. I have taken photographs of my neck after last night.'

lukewarmmama · 17/07/2011 14:06

Good grief. Don't say anything to him, a two word text- it's over- should suffice. And I would contact one of the organisations mentioned above, who can hopefully point you in the direction of getting some help, so you wouldn't even need to ask if this was ok or not. Take care of yourself (un mumsnetty hugs)

LessonsinL · 17/07/2011 14:07

How is he today about it?

storytopper · 17/07/2011 14:08

Break with him immediately - and also have it recorded with a third party (police, women's aid, rape crisis) what has happened in case he decides he is not taking "get out of my life" for an answer.

BarefootGma · 17/07/2011 14:11

I think you know the answer.
Also if he's done it once he'll do it again.
He has committed a serious sexual assault, no ifs or buts. Get out of there.

reallytired · 17/07/2011 14:11

Do not reply to his texts. In my experience aggraviates the situation. You need to ignore any contact. Do not answer phone calls or texts. You may even need to find a safe house.

If you have any contact with this man it needs to be through a solitor.

As I said I was in a similar situation at 19 years old. I had to take a year out of a uni course as I was stalked. It is hard and I am still experiencing the emotional fall out at 36.

Please get emotional support over the next few weeks. My prayers are with you, but you need a real life shoulder to cry on.

noir · 17/07/2011 14:13

Applying some harsh logic here; he raped you and nearly killed you. The only way this can get any worse is if he actually kills you. please, please don't go back OP.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 17/07/2011 14:13

If I could tell you what to do I would say never go back never speak to him again and seriously consider if you want to press charges.

But I can't. You sound like you want reassurance that it's ok to leave him over this and yes it is

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2011 14:22

I think you should tell the police. This man tried to strangle you and then raped you. The fact he was your boyfriend doesn't mean it wasn't rape.

He has hit you before. Now he has raped you. His behaviour is escalating and it's really important that you a) stop seeing him and b) report his behaviour.

Please don't try to deal with this on your own. You are in shock. Call a friend you can absolutely trust (ie not someone who will downplay it.) I wouldn't reply to his text - ask the police what to do about that.

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 14:27

I recommend you talk to Rape Crisis or Women's Aid about this, you need some support and people to talk to who will not dismiss or minimise your experience. It's good that you left and great that you don't live together. Do not feel pressured into responding to his texts or calls, I'd suggest you stay out of communication with him while you recover and find your way forward. So sorry.

Original poster

isitjustmeorwhat · 17/07/2011 14:33

I replied and told him it's over. I said if I hear any more from him then I will be calling the police. I suppose all the warning signs were there, can't believe I was that stupid.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 17/07/2011 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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