My son and daughter in law

[volleyball]

Just had a big bust up with son and d i l because I went to my grandaughters sports day when they were away and I was told by her that the had no interest in sports day so I shouldn't go - but when my grandaughter asked if I would I went! They hauled me in and told me I had no right to hav e gone - it turned into a big blow up - I and my husband who have been generous and loving grandparents have been banned from speaking to them or the girls and will still not give a reason why they think I did such a " bad" thing??? Where did I go wrong - they loved to see me there and now the whole family is in bits! What is the psychological problem here? Any one know?

Yes, you do come across as being a mil from hell, and, to be honest, if I were your dil I would want you out of my life, but, your dil sounds a bit nasty to ban you from speaking to your grandchildren and your son a bit wimpy for letting her do this.

In other words, if there were no grandchildren involved; fair enough, but there are so they are nasty for using them as pawns in their argument.

You owe it all as adults to come to some kind of a peaceful outcome for her sake.

I mean their sake.

The point is, they asked you not to go to sports day, and you did.

I can imagine that you have been giving your grandchildren your side of the story over the years too...it's them I feel sorry for, being caught between their parents and you. Were you hoping/expecting them to keep quiet and not tell their parents you were there? Or knowing that they would tell them and sat back, looking forward to another chance to criticise their mother?

My BFs MIL was a bit like you. Used to go in while they were away on holiday and clean, take nets down and wash them etc.

She didn't do it because she wanted to help them. She did it so that she could be all matyrish and people would say "oh aren't you good to help them out". Also so she could prove what a slattern BF was. Then when BF asked her not to do it she was considered ungrateful.

That MIL would also show up at school events. It's not about what you do but the motive behind it.

If you really care about your GCs you will bend over backwards to make amends and find out what it is that has upset them so much. You have to get over any incidents from the past, draw a line under everything and start afresh treating her exactly the same as you treat your other DILs. Think about how hard it is for her knowing you think the other DILs are so great. She probably feels like the outsider and that can be a very uncomfortable situation.

Isn't the main thing that they said you shouldn't go to the sports day but you went anyway?

Did you ask them if you could go? I know you dont need permission but I'm just trying to think how I'd feel if my MIL did this and I think I would feel pissed off. My dd is only 2.5 and had a sports day, DH said as she's so little she prob wouldnt take part and so he was happy to miss it. I went along but if I had had to work i may not have made it. The thing is if my DD had then asked nanny to go, I think my MIL would say "DD has asked me to go along, would that be alright?"

If you just showed up and they found i can see that in their eyes, it looks like you judged their decision not to attend. Like you were saying it wasnt good enough for no-one to be there for DD so you took it upon yourself to step in and support her.

You have made some rather derogatory comments regarding DIL and it does smack a little of her being compared to the rest of my family and found lacking. To use the term "my girls" is not really on. They are not your girls and that mindset may have something to do with the sports day thing. They are prob only too aware that you see them as "your lovely girls" and want to be involved all the time, it sounds like they are trying to get a bit of distance and assert themselves as the parents.