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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son and daughter in law

57 replies

volleyball · 15/07/2011 22:44

Just had a big bust up with son and d i l because I went to my grandaughters sports day when they were away and I was told by her that the had no interest in sports day so I shouldn't go - but when my grandaughter asked if I would I went! They hauled me in and told me I had no right to hav e gone - it turned into a big blow up - I and my husband who have been generous and loving grandparents have been banned from speaking to them or the girls and will still not give a reason why they think I did such a " bad" thing??? Where did I go wrong - they loved to see me there and now the whole family is in bits! What is the psychological problem here? Any one know?

OP posts:

AurraSing · 15/07/2011 23:34

You do sound like you hate this woman. Maybe that is coming across and neither of them want anything to do with you. I know I wouldn't want my children spending time with someone who hasn't a good word to say about me.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 23:34

Out of interest did she ever ask you to clean or did you take it upon yourself to clean her house?

budgieshell · 15/07/2011 23:35

Oh dear it would be interesting to hear dil side of things. Maybe she has low self worth with her looks and this might be how she feels as a mother. If you come a long and are the wonderfull supportive grandmother it would make her feel a bit rubbish as a mum. This could also be your opinion of her, is it your opinion on her looks, her broken family that makes her unsuitable for other lovely dils and you fantstic granparents.

HerBeX · 15/07/2011 23:35

Did you tell her you were going?

Did you ask her if she wanted you to clean her untidy undomesticated house? (Where your son is 50% of the adults and therefore 50% responsible for the fact that it is untidy and undomesticated and it is in fact their untidy undomesticated house, not just her's?)

Do you use the term broken family in front of her? She may not think of her family as broken and may be mightily fucked off by the term.

It sounds to me as if there's an awful lot you are leaving out.

2rebecca · 15/07/2011 23:36

This sounds like a wind up. Did your DIL ask you to cook and clean in HER house? If she didn't then that may be why you were never thanked, because she didn't want you doing it in the first place. I have been married twice but feel I have more idea of how families work because of this not less and find your attitude bizarre and smug.
It doesn't sound as though you are that close a family if you don't like your DIL and resent your son marrying her. People who are really close to their families don't normally have to go on about how close they are.
You sound as though you need to back off a bit and stop trying to be grandmother hen and imposing your idea of how a family "should" work on someone who is happy for families to work in a different day and likes her own space and dislikes being fussed over.
The sports day thing sounds odd, but I wonder if they had asked you not to go and felt you were deliberately undermining them and this was one of several similar events.

ZacharyQuack · 15/07/2011 23:46

Did she ask you to clean her "untidy undomesticated house"? It's your son's house too, did you not raise him to be tidy and domesticated?

Cleaning someone else's house without their permission is overstepping the mark and many women would find it offensive and may feel that their MIL is judging them.

wtfdoido · 15/07/2011 23:58

I have to say that you do sound very judgey about her and her family. Being married more than once is not a crime, nor is making bad choices. And being sensitive about ones looks or weight etc isnt either. I am sure her mum didnt set out to marry men like that, she quite probably had issues of her own that led her into this type of relationship.

And she has an untidy house, so do I and again, that isnt a crime! I wouldnt be happy if someone had tidied it up for me even if they had asked, never mind if they hadnt.

I agree that you do sound a bit over bearing, and you do seem to have an rather over inflated opinion of yourself and your importance. Alot of what you have written implies that you are somehow doing her a favour by allowing your son to love her and be with her.

If you choose not to write to her then fair enough, perhaps you could write to your son? If you want to see your GDDs again then you do need to grovel. And in the meantime, make a promise to yourself that whether you agree or not, you will follow their rules and not do what you think is right regardless of their feelings. They are a family and will put each other first, you must learn to respect that.

All that said, to use you for free childcare and then behave like this is wrong of them, but tbh it sounds like you are all as bad as each other, just in different ways!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 16/07/2011 01:35

You're unlikely to absorb this but - you have already demonstrated to your DIL that you despise her. You went to this sports day to demonstrate that you are a better, kinder, more loving relative to these DC than their mother is, and I bet you told them that as well in some sort of passive-aggressive way. I bet you sighed your way through cleaning her house uninvitedly and told the DC and everyone else that you were doing it to 'help' because your DIL is a lazy incompetent slut but she can't help it really. It's no wonder she is pissed off with you. Why not learn a few boundaries if you really want to have a functioning relationship with your grandchildren?

Lizzabadger · 16/07/2011 06:48

How about concentrating on making your own life as happy and fulfilling as possible rather than getting overinvolved in your son's?

Longtalljosie · 16/07/2011 07:00

Assuming this isn't a wind-up...

Yes, the banning from seeing the children because of sports day seems very unreasonable, but in the course of a very short thread you have cast aspersions on her

Looks
Weight
State of her house
Extended family

You think she doesn't know you think this sort of thing about her?

pinkytheshrinky · 16/07/2011 07:12

used to even cook for her and clean her untidy undomesticated house.

oh no I was going to say she was a loon but then I realised the loon is you!

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 07:21

The sport's day story alone seems unfair but when you read the rest you see it was just the last straw. You don't like her, never have and you are getting the result. I suggest that you mend bridges-go out-just the 2 of you and apologise and try to start afresh, with ground rules and boundries. Your DIL and DS have made it clear that they have had enough.

CrapolaDeVille · 16/07/2011 07:32

Weight issues.....nice.

CrapolaDeVille · 16/07/2011 07:34

/Your son sounds like a fabulous husband, standing by his wife as he should. You really should back off.

bellavita · 16/07/2011 08:25

You sound like a very err nice MIL... not...

StayFrosty · 16/07/2011 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emsyj · 16/07/2011 08:52

OP, here's the crux of the issue. You are not very nice. So your DIL doesn't like you and your son doesn't like the way you treat her.

It's not them that's the problem - it's you. Not that I think you will believe that for one moment, but hey.... Gotta try!

MugglesandLuna · 16/07/2011 08:57

You sound a bit meddling and judgy tbh.

Lucyinthepie · 16/07/2011 09:44

Surely this is a thread about threads? The sports day thing was on AIBU a little while ago, the cleaning (without being asked to) appears regularly.

ZacharyQuack · 16/07/2011 09:46

Have we been invaded by Gransnet?

Aislingorla · 16/07/2011 09:46

'untidy undomesticated house' ! !
Thank god you are not my MIL !

LaLoose · 16/07/2011 13:27

I think this is probably a wind-up, BUT, if it isn't, I was struck by one thing you said, volleyball . You said your DIL was sweet when you first met her. I suspect your treatment of her has made her - as you see it - un-sweet now. People do tend to react to how they are treated. I was VERY sweet to my MIL when I first met her. After seven years of poor treatment, I am no longer sweet. At all.

CareyHunt · 16/07/2011 13:34

Was there not a DIL thread a while ago about a woman whose pushy MIL showed up at sport's day, when she had been asked not to come?

I really hope this is the other side of the same thread .

Op, you sound like a PITA. Sorry. You need to back off and let your son get on with his life.

lazarusb · 16/07/2011 14:24

You judge her and undermine her. Can't imagine why she is annoyed with you. Glad her dh hasn't been so influenced by you as to think you are more important than his wife.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 16/07/2011 16:54

I can see why she has a problem with you TBH...oh and by the way they are not your girls, they are your DIL and sons.

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