Why dont ment see inappropriate contact (sexting etc) as cheating?

[wtfdoido]

I have been reading about this alot since I found out about my H's sexting "affair" and it seems that what he said, that he didnt see it as cheating because he didnt actually sleep with her or have any physical contact, is a common thing.

But I dont get it.

If they dont think of it as cheating then why keep it secret from the wife? Why, as my H did, have a secret phone dedicated to this sordid activity? If it isnt cheating then they dont have the keep it secret do they? The fact that they do hide it shows that they know its wrong, so how can they say that they didnt think they were cheating?

They would see it as cheating if it was you sexting another guy. Sorry if this has been said already - I haven't read the whole thread yet!

eurochick - of course it's cheating. In my view it's the ultimate betrayal - there being someone else in your lives that you don't know about. Other posters have talked about the pain of discovering that their history has 'been rewritten'. That's exactly how I felt when I discovered my dh's affair (which involved sexting and one sexual encounter). Looking back over the affair period and realising that my life was not as it seemed is excrutiatingly painful - I'd have felt the same even if they hadn't had sex. The thought that my seemingly happy life had been polluted by a malign presence and dishonesty is vile.

Wtf - I understand exactly the need to know 'why'. DH and I saw a lovely doctor who spoke to us at great length. I was focused on 'why' and she said that there is never just one reason for these things, there are usually a handful. We went through about 5 or 6 reasons which all came together to allow this horrible thing to happen. I also struggled - and still do to some extent - to understand how someone could risk so much for someone/something that didn't matter to them. The simple answer is that people don't expect to get caught. We all take unnecessary risks in life and, if the worst happened and we got run over because we'd not been careful enough crossing the road, or something bad happened to one of our children because we'd not taken as much care as we should it's not because we don't value our own or their wellbeing, it's because we think we'll get away with it.

Other posters have talked about the pain of discovering that their history has 'been rewritten'
Looking back over the affair period and realising that my life was not as it seemed is excrutiatingly painful
The thought that my seemingly happy life had been polluted by a malign presence and dishonesty is vile.

Thats it, thats exactly it. I look back and the happy memories I have are all ruined and wrong because they were based on lies and dishonesty. Right now I feel that I cant ever forgive him for ruining my memories of the happiest year of my life.

And I am now sat here desperately lonely and missing him like crazy. I want him to come home (he is at work) and give me a hug and a kiss and cuddle me to sleep and just make all the nasties go away.

Dont misunderstand me, I dont want him, the shithead who gambled everything he says matters to him for a text message and a wank, but the man I was in love with. The man I thought I had married, who would never have done this to me. I want him, I miss him, I love him.

I loathe the utter arsehole that will walk through the door in an hour or so. :(

And :( should have been

or maybe it should be both?

So sorry - hope you are feeling a bit better this morning.

"Looking back over the affair period and realising that my life was not as it seemed is excrutiatingly painful
The thought that my seemingly happy life had been polluted by a malign presence and dishonesty is vile."

I know that feeling so well - I had to explain to my H exactly why the sexting sickened me just as much the sexual encounters he had with the OW.