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Original poster

Why dont ment see inappropriate contact (sexting etc) as cheating?

57 replies

wtfdoido · 14/07/2011 09:37

I have been reading about this alot since I found out about my H's sexting "affair" and it seems that what he said, that he didnt see it as cheating because he didnt actually sleep with her or have any physical contact, is a common thing.

But I dont get it.

If they dont think of it as cheating then why keep it secret from the wife? Why, as my H did, have a secret phone dedicated to this sordid activity? If it isnt cheating then they dont have the keep it secret do they? The fact that they do hide it shows that they know its wrong, so how can they say that they didnt think they were cheating?

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/07/2011 05:11

I'm assuming that if you'd been sexting, he'd have regarded it as cheating.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/07/2011 09:40

Are you sure this was actually his XGF? Because all the other behaviour suggests to me that the person he was sexting is not actually real (oh, there is a real person exchanging texts with him but that person is one of a hundred or so chat ops and could be any age, male or female). I know this because I work for one of the companies: all the personas are off-the-shelf and the texts might be explicit and involve references to meeting up but the meet ups never happen.
The thing is, with something like this, the 'real' person might be perfectly well aware that s/he is communicating with a fantasy figure and therefore not regard it as cheating because there is never going to be any physical contact.

Original poster
wtfdoido · 15/07/2011 09:49

It definitely is her

OP posts:
brownleatherbrogues · 15/07/2011 10:12

i dont see texting or flirting or even a snog as cheating as such

TrillianAstra · 15/07/2011 10:15

I don't think it's "men" who don't see this as cheating, I think it's people who want to do this but still stay with their partners who claim it doesn't count as cheating.

Original poster
wtfdoido · 15/07/2011 10:45

Brownleather what would you call it then? Would you text/flirt/snog someone else and then happily tell your partner all about it? If you would and your partner is ok with it then no, I dont suppose it is cheating within the context of your relationship.

But if you wouldnt tell your DP, and you know that they would hit the roof then I would say that, again within the context of your relationship, it is cheating.

How do you define it? Not having a go, genuinely curious as I am trying to understand the mindset behind this.

OP posts:
Legassa · 15/07/2011 10:58

Hi i am going through this at the momment but do not want to go into details.

Can you explain the difference between an emotional affair and just sexting please?

cathkidstonbag · 15/07/2011 10:59

I just don't understand why she would do this. I know there are women who are just interested in sex not the emotions but it sounds like she was trying to engage him in normal conversation, which he wasn't responding to. Basically he was just using her as a porn magazine, why on earth was she ok with that?
If my DH had done it, like this, no emotions involved then I may well forgive him. After some counselling etc. But then I'd be a hypocrite not to as I have done this :(

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/07/2011 11:52

OK, it is very important to understand that people's boundaries WRT monogamy are very different. If you are going to pursue monogamous relationships you need to discuss this with your partner, because what other people say, do and feel is not relevant to your particular relationship.
Some people think having unaccompanied lunch with a person of the opposite sex is 'cheating'. Others think that everything other than PIV is perfectly acceptable and not 'cheating at all'. It's not a matter of who's right or wrong, it's a matter of what you agree between the two of you as to where the boundaries are.

Original poster
wtfdoido · 15/07/2011 11:55

OMG I have just gone through the messages again today trying to make some sense of it all, and she seems to have gone off the boil as it were, before he did, so I suspect that she was ok at first but then she realised that he was just using her as porn.

Legassa I am so sorry you are going through this too :(

I guess an emotional affair is where there is love or atleast very strong like involved but not usually sex or sexual contact. Sexting on its own is just that, dirty messages, pictures etc again with no physical contact.

OP posts:
cathkidstonbag · 15/07/2011 12:31

Wtf - yes I think probably she thought it was going to be the whole rekindling of an old romance kind of thing and then realised it wasnt. It's a tough call for you to make. It's the deceit thats the big thing I would think. And trying to get your head round him thinking it was ok to do that. Men do look at this kind of stuff differently, in a way it was like him watching a film. But that does not make it ok, would he have been fine if you'd have done it? Did he always know what your boundaries were on this kind of thing. I think he probably knew but his need for this was greater. It must be so hard for you to deal with. Do you have friends in RL you can talk to? They know him and your marriage and might be able to see the bigger picture so to speak.

Legassa · 15/07/2011 12:42

Is it possible for a man to be friends with the woman and sexting but not have an emotional affair?

cathkidstonbag · 15/07/2011 12:47

Legassa - were they just talking about sex? Or was there an emotional connection? Once it drifts into connecting with someone (how was your day at work? Did you watch x on tv last night? My dog/dc is ill again - those kind of chats) then it is more than just sexting IMO. In the OPs case it was just that but if it was between friends it is going to be more than that. If they really like the other person and are discussing intimate stuff then it crosses the line into an emotional affair.

Original poster
wtfdoido · 15/07/2011 14:16

I agree with OMG and if they are friends then it is going to be easier for it to slip into an emotional affair even if it isnt one at the moment. In theory yes, he could be friends with sexting and not be emotionally involved. As OMG said in her reply to me, men look at this stuff differently and can compartmentalise sex and love much easier than women can. But on balance I think an emotional affair is more likely than not, sorry :(

OP posts:
cathkidstonbag · 15/07/2011 14:31

Have to say also that if someone was actually a friend in RL then sexting would start blurring the boundaries and make it easier to go on to a physical affair even if emotions weren't involved.

sternface · 15/07/2011 14:51

OP I am so sorry that this has happened to you Sad

I think you are however in danger of giving your husband a bit of a let-off if you believe that men in general can compartmentalise this sort of thing, or if you believe for even a nano-second that your H didn't think this was cheating, at the time.

Men are no different. Lots of women get a sexual thrill out of sexting. As you've seen from this thread, one woman even does it for money. It might be that the OW in your situation hoped it meant more, but that is no more edifying than your husband "using her for porn". Part of her self-justification might have been that she had feelings for your husband, but so what? Does that let her off the hook? No, it doesn't. She was still pissing on her own marriage and yours. Some women are notoriously bad at admitting that they were in it for the sexual kicks too, pretending that their behaviour is reasonable because they are "in love" Hmm

As for the predictable red herring about monogamy and what your husband thought at the time was permissible, of course he knew it was wrong and that it was cheating! Otherwise he wouldn't have gone to such extraordinary lengths to cover his tracks. Just as the OW might have deluded herself that this was okay because she had feelings, your husband no doubt told himself that this wasn't as bad because he hadn't done anything physical. Or that this was "just" a sexual release and ok as long as he didn't fall in love.

Ultimately, if he would have always regarded this as cheating if you'd done it - and you would have thought that too, then he knew how wrong this was at the time.

If he's admitting that he would have had sex if there had been the opportunity, that's to his credit, because that is no doubt the truth. Just be careful of getting bogged down with sexual stereotypes and concentrate instead on what was applicable to your marriage and your husband.

Original poster
wtfdoido · 15/07/2011 15:56

Thank you for that replysternface

I have been guilty of some generalisations I suppose, but not to excuse it. Tbh at the moment I am erring towards us splitting up because although he is saying all the right things I am not sure that he has or is prepared to scrutinise his own behaviour and own his mistake. As it is it seems that there are alot of reasons why it happened but once you get past the flowery language and platitudes they dont amount to anything other than "I was really stupid". Well yes he was, but why? He cant tell me why he risked everything for a quick cheap thrill, he just says "I dont know" and until he can I cant possibly consider trying again. But to work out why he did this he will have to face some less than palatable truths about himself and I dont think that he wants to do that.

Until he can then I dont see a future for us.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 15/07/2011 16:37

Yes, its action rather than words that you should be looking for and you are right to say that he needs to work out why he did it.

I also think you may find it helpful to look at Shirley Glass's website and consider getting her book, Not Just Friends.

AnyFucker · 15/07/2011 17:12

bloody brilliant reply, sternface

erm, are you a namechanger ?

eurochick · 15/07/2011 17:14

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

FWIW, and I know I am in the minority here but I'm with brown - I don't consider it cheating. If there is no physical contact involved I put it in the same category as thinking about Brad Pitt/ex boyf when masturbating or daydreaming in a boring meeting. I would differ with brown on a snog though. I think physical contact is cheating.

But that's kind of beside the point because what matters is how you feel about it.

Apocalypto · 15/07/2011 17:17

I'm baffled as to what the women in these exchanges are getting out of sending and receiving dirty text messages.

The aspiring adulterer has some adultery to look forward to, I suppose, but what's in it for their intended bit on the side?

Apocalypto · 15/07/2011 17:18

@ eurochick

How do you get away with masturbating during boring meetings?

sternface · 15/07/2011 18:21

As I understand it, there were two aspiring adulterers here apocalypto so I imagine the woman was getting the same sexual kicks from this as the man, but no doubt dressing-up lust as love, so that she could feel a bit better about herself.

OP you are both in shock you know, so just take your time with this and suspend judgement. The conditions about him examining himself are sound and fair, though and you are right.

When he says he doesn't know why he did it, he might not want to admit that it was as simple as he wanted to because he was enjoying it. And that's it. I very much doubt he wondered at the time why he felt the need to do this.

Bear in mind too that if this was mainly done by text, he would have been addicted to the "it" of the situation, rather than the "her" iyswim? One of the things he might need to look at is whether he has an addictive personality, whether he was/is addicted to porn - and any other stuff that's harmful.

I'd also like to know how to masturbate undiscovered in dull meetings Wink

cathkidstonbag · 15/07/2011 19:04

Or maybe she was in love? Although doesn't sound like it if she walked away so easily.
Have to agree with the above though, it was all about the act rather than the person. But I don't know if that makes it better or worse.
Never thought about doing that in PTA meetings, that could make it more fun :D

Putthatbookdown · 15/07/2011 19:20

I once got bombarded with texts from a guy I eventually found out to be married I had no intention of an affair with him- he still texted after I told him I knew so I had to change the sim in my mobile.He was a selfish two-timing sod and if I could have been bothered I would have told his wife but then I decided not to get involved- he had obviously done it before. What got me was that he ASSUMED I would have an affair and said "I will never leave my wife" when I was not remotely inerested in him -in fact the texing thing became BORING .I coulod not wai to get rid of him. I think iniially these guys give the women the attention they may be looking for but that is all

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