Sorry this will be long but don't want to dripfeed...
Background: I feel she abandoned me when i was a child when she gave me the choice of living with another relative without her, or living in squalor with her and a bunch of innapropriate people (her then-friends) a very long way away from home away from everything I'd ever known. She denies this and insists that I didn't want to live with her. I of course wanted to live with her, she was my mum, but she gave me 2 horrible options and I chose the one where I felt safest. The relative I was brought up by says that my mother kept phoning trying to get the relative to talk me into staying there (with the relative), but the relative did not. Mother also denies this.
Fast forward: Now in my 30s, happily married, couple of kids, still living in same area where I was brought up. Four years ago, she called to say she wanted to come and live here and to find her somewhere to rent. I did it. I was excited, after all these years of very infrequent visits i was getting my mum back! She wanted somewhere very close - excellent! I was happy.
She lives a few doors away and at first I spent lots of time with her, helping her lots, feeling for the first time in over 20 years I had a 'real mum' who loved me.
I didn't know about narc parents until i read about them on here and read Toxic Parents book. Then it all became horribly clear.
I have taken a step back from our relationship in recent months as i have realised what she is, and that I've been trying to mould her into the mum I always craved. I realise now that she won't change and it makes me so sad sometimes.
Some examples of her behaviour: when she came with me to try on my wedding dress, she said "yeah it looks alright" in a disinterested voice then went back to reading her magazine. On my wedding day she told me off for something that was beyond my control. She used to call my eldest DD fat and then denied it, even though I heard it. We fell out over this for a few days, her crying down the phone, calling me names etc. This incident has since been glossed over but i and my family haven't been able to forget it. She shouted at me and called me a bitch once (5 yrs ago?) for being a little late to meet her, in front of my DCs and friend.
She is now unemployed, preparing to go bankrupt, has spent years evading tax, has no transport, no friends in this area and tries to get me to do everything for her. The tax thing she has recently had to come clean about - all fine, she just had to give them tax returns for last few years (which I had to do for her!)
The thing is - I have been diagnosed recently with major depression and am being treated. It stems from her but I have not told her that. I am a SAHM and my days are busy. However, she sees fit to drop in unannounced whenever she feels like it, then stays for 2 or 3 hours moaning about how the world owes her a living, getting me to drop everything and do stuff for her. Disrupting my days basically. Several times a week. i dread her coming round. I can't just not answer the door because it's intercom-entry and I can't see the door where the intercom is from inside my home.
Last week was a blessed relief as she was away. I texted her a light-hearted message the day after but she didn't reply at all, but if I don't reply to her texts immediately she gets pissed off. She had asked me to water her pot plants while she was away, but it rained heavily here every single day she was away so I didn't bother to go round there, as I didn't think the plants would need it. Yesterday she came home and immediately texted me to say "I'm home, pot plants all half dead did you not water them x"
Last time she went away, I DID water her plants several times but when she got back she said most of them were dead and accused me of not watering them at all. So this time I just replied with "Didn't think there was any need, we had so much heavy rain every day. Hope you had a nice time away." and I KNOW she will have received that text and then spent the next hour swearing and ranting about me behind my back.
Everything she thinks/says/believes in is correct - anyone with differing opinions is wrong. She drinks a lot sometimes. She's very loud and overbearing/outspoken.
I have told her that we'd like to move out of the area at some point when we can afford to. She said "you're NOT moving out of the county, you can't leave me here on my own!"
I just want her to go away and stay away. I can't tell her because she intimidates me and I'm quite fearful of her reaction. My DCs and DH find her very difficult to deal with, as do certain other family members. Yet she seems to think she's the life and soul and that everyone loves her.
I am certain she will be round mine at some point this week or even today and I need some suggestions on how to deal with her please. i try very hard to keep a smile on my face and let her comments go over my head, to be helpful (because it's sometimes just easier than to explain why i don't want to help) and to keep things lighthearted. But it's so draining and after she leaves i feel angry and stressed out and sweary.
I'm so sorry this was so long and rambling 