"When he hits me I'll leave" ... but he hits the kids

[garlicnutter]

This has been tormenting me for ages. The kids are nearly grown up now; it's been going on since they were little. The mother is a close friend of mine. I have called SS before, when she was in a crisis state, but they've always muddled through somehow.

Not long ago, we were talking about when the youngest leaves home in a couple of years' time. She said - as she often has before - that if he moves on to her when there are no DC to hit, she'll finally leave.

I have made a permanent offer of a place to stay if/when she does it. She's always had keys to my place. I understand why she accepts violence in her family (background ishoos), but I'm finding it harder and harder not to feel disgusted that she's accepted violence against her children but won't accept it for herself.

It's too late to change what's done. I don't know what to do, think or feel about her now. She's my only friend since childhood - not sure why I'm posting this really! Any advice, opinions or wise words will be welcome.
Thanks :)

Look after your own self first, GN

if you don't, you are not in a fit state to help anyone at all

Thanks, AF! I luffs you

Does he smack his kids of batter them?

Horrible story. I am not going to rehash what has been said other than to say that by giving her someoen to talk to about it as you say, you are allowing her to bemoan her situation without doing anything about it. I really think you need to tell her that if she is not going to do anything about it, that you do not want to hear about his escapades any more.

I don't understand. The kids are young adults. He hits them?

I can understand ( but not approve of) smacking young kids..but teenagers?

your relative is very mixed up.

I have heard women say "he hits me but I'll leave if he hits the kids" but never the other way round

So, you're not calling SS because the child who is still at home is doing their A Levels? What reasoning is that? Grown adults can be killed by their abusers, why would that not be a problem for someone doing their A levels?

Your friend sounds like a terrible coward and I'm afraid you do too for standing by for so long while her children continue to be abused. Being a sounding board is not helping anyone.

I couldn't sustain this friendship.

My father used to beat us but not my mother....then one day he beat her too...

I was the one who stood up to him (I was about 14 y/o at the time) and threatened to go to the police, whilst my mother fawned over my father protesting that I didn't mean what I was saying...

He last beat me at the age of 17...I left home for good the next morning.

This friendship would be far too damaging to myself, for me to maintain...but I would make it known that if at any time the children/young adults needed me all they had to do was shout and I would be there.

Get social services involved asap. It's what they are there for. It's not a question of loyalty to your friend. It's awful to say it, but you are enabling this abuse. I have a friend whose husband knocked seven bells out of her for years. As soon as he hit their daughter she left him. She didn't have a pot to piss in when she left.

At least if SS are involved it will help the children see that what is happening is very wrong and very serious. The message they get from their mum permitting it is that it is normal and they deserve it.

If your friendship (though tbh, I think no real friend would expect you to be tortured by this knowledge and her own selfish inaction), then it might be another wake up call for her. Whatever, by standing by, you are making it easier for this to continue.

Good luck

You need to call SS again, and keep calling SS until something is done. Just because nothing was done last time you called them doesn't mean there's no longer a problem, nor that the children are not terrified; it just means that the children think they've been given up on, and a violent child abuser gets away with it again.

Letting him get away with it also sends the message to the children that this abuse is condoned by family members and the authorities, and creates a risk of similar abuse for the next generation. Hoping that one of them hits him back might seem like justice, but actually it would more productive to enable the children to understand that violence is not the solution.

Having never been in your relative's position, I cannot understand how she will accept violent abuse of her children but says she will not tolerate it herself; that seems to suggest that she does understand that it's wrong. Perhaps I'm being harsh and she has always been too scared to act, or perhaps she feared that the consequences of taking the children away from the abuse would be worse than the abuse itself- we don't know what she's been threatened with.

It's never too late to report it though. What happens if this woman does leave, and the man has a family with someone else and abuses those children? What if she never leaves, and grandchildren come along who are abused by this man?