Having trouble collecting my thoughts, advice appreciated please.

[RoseC]

I posted a couple of weeks ago, here. The row isn't really relevant to the argument we've just had but it does provide background on our relationship if anyone wants it.

I know DP thinks I'm lazy (have every so often called him on his particular face and asked outright) and thinks I spend way too much time on MN. I am a postgrad student and it's too expensive for me to commute every day so I mostly work from home. He works full-time and brings work home with him every day, often working until 9pm then watching a film or TV.

From the beginning I have insisted (insist is the wrong word really... just asked him how he would like to divide household chores & split 50:50, always with his preference in mind, in deference to the fact that I was the one pushing for it, e.g. 'We need to clean the bathrooms & hoover once per week, which would you prefer to do this week?') on splitting household stuff equally. In general I clean the bathrooms, he does the floors, I do all the laundry, including the ironing and he does 99% of the washing up. Cooking is usually split, although as I work from home I usually do dinner during the week. I had thought that the last person to leave the bed (Mon-Fri, me) would make it although sometimes make it on the weekends as well.

Given most stories I have heard/read/spoken to people about I thought this was reasonably unusual in that DP does his fair share and so do I.

This week I wanted to hoover. I have to do it tomorrow as I have an assignment (which I need to do now!) due tomorrow. I overslept and, having exercised (trying to lose weight), it was lunchtime. He cooked. I have a headache (he knows) so was sat on the sofa for 45mins digesting and trying to stoke up the energy to do the report. Cue tutting, sighing, a few muttered swear words and then he storms off and starts cleaning the kitchen, which is my job.

We then, after a bit of shouting, wound up with the following:

• I'm lazy and should do more during the day
• My 75% average (distinction) is no proof that I work when he's not here
• Admittedly, I don't work the long hours he does
• Why can't I do all the housework since I do "fuck all else"
• He, if at home, could do all the housework with "one arm tied behind my back" plus his usual working day

Today I have had to reclean the washing machine as he (despite me saying I would do it) took it upon himself to do it and didn't do it properly. So we have wasted two 90-degree washes trying to rinse the machine clean because he hadn't got the scum out. He has not made the bed. I have done a load of laundry.

I can't articulate to him why I don't want to do 100% housework even though I don't work the same hours. I'm not sure I know why myself other than my inner feminist thinks it's a Bad Idea.

We're currently not talking as (this is totally my fault) as he said the 'hand tied behind back' comment I sneered and told him to fuck off. I shouldn't have done it.

The more he tells me I'm lazy, the more I'm stubbornly trying not to do what he wants me to do, including my own coursework, which is hacking me off. I will do it. Just feel like he'll see me doing it and feel superior/make a comment and think he's 'won'. I know this is childish.

I just don't know what to do or what to say. He doesn't listen to anything.

Update: we had a chat over me hanging up the laundry and him reheating dinner (seemed appropriate ). I said what river mentioned and also asked him whether he still wanted us to live together, given that we seem to have such opposing views (lease is up in two weeks). Was met with a deafening wall of silence. He won't give a response to anything I say (apparently I ask 'difficult' questions, like 'what exactly do you want, practically speaking?' ) and when I asked him if he needed time to think he just shrugged then carried on as if nothing had happened, asking my opinion on the fish weed and how to cook the beans.

This happens every bloody time. I'm not even cross, just despondent.

could be a good time to call it a day, if your lease is up in 2 weeks.

Oh dear, he seems determined to sulk.

Instead of asking what he wants why don't you tell him what you want. As in, "if you can't give me the courtesy of answering me when I talk to you, I will not be renewing the lease."

You do not have to put up with that behaviour. Communication is essential in a successful relationship.

I don't like the way he is talking to you at all, it's really rotten.

He has no right to call anyone lazy, regardless of anything.

I don't like the stonewalling either. I'd leave it.

cleaning the machine? the black to the seal?

Pour bleach into the powder drawer and leave over night. then run the machine on the hottest wash you have - throw your white towels in - and that should be that!

Also, what is all this nonsense about him thinking you are "crying wolf" when he hurts you?

Do you often pretend to be injured?

If he can't play nicely, he shouldn't be playing at all imo.

We had a brief conversation over dinner (again, I instigated). He said that if he didn't want us to be together or live together he 'would make himself clear'. I don't like the stonewalling and it has come up before. I feel I have gone as far as possible without giving him an ultimatum like Fairenuff's and I don't want to go that far, although at the moment I am struggling to see why not.

His contract is ending in two weeks so we will have the same amount of work to do. I said I understood why he wanted me to do more, but thought he was exaggerating the amount I don't do and I do refuse to do all the cleaning, particularly as he enjoys it and I hate it - the two situations aren't comparable. His answer, when I asked why we aren't as intimate as we used to be, was that he doesn't feel 'interested' when he comes home to yesterday's washing up. That's happened twice in six months... this is the one answer he gave that has made me seethe as it doesn't feel honest.

He's gone out to call his friends and smoke (hate it, hate it, hate it - he didn't smoke more than one a fortnight when we met).

No, Fairenuff, I don't cry wolf.

And thanks Hissy for the washing machine recommendation... thanks to MN I'm going to have the cleanest machine in the NE!

And thank you all for taking the time to reply. I don't really have anyone to talk to here and don't want to call my family. It's really helping me approach him in a calm and ordered manner :)

he is using anything he can to pin on you to justify his frankly PISS POOR treatment of you.

I think this relationship seems to have run it's course, don't you?

Oh dear - having read your previous thread as well, I really feel that you could do better than this. There seem to be so many issues and the relationship sounds like really hard work. You are young and clearly very able, and there are many nice men out there who you could be much happier with! Honestly - do you want to spend the rest of your life with this difficult, emotionally closed guy?

If you are at home, I can see why you might have time to do a little more - but not all - of the housework. But add in that he likes doing it and you don't, it seems even sillier to call you lazy for not doing all of it.

A couple of things I wondered though, after reading the thread:

1. Do you really need to vocalise what tasks need doing? For some people, listing and sorting what needs to be done might come across as nagging - they might prefer to get on with jobs as and when needed. 'You do this and I'll do this' might make it more of an issue than it needs to be.

2. If this is the first time he's lived with someone and you're already arguing, perhaps it is time to consider that he's one of those people so set in their ways that they will struggle to ever peacefully live with someone else - unless that someone else does everything exactly the way they want it.

The dishes thing is ridiculous. In my house more often than not there are dishes in the sink in the evening - perhaps not ideal but we tend to value getting on with other work more important than the dishes. I'm not saying this to say mine is the right way (it's clearly not), but because he shouldn't act like it's the end of the world if it doesn't happen twice - twice, for godssakes! And using it as an excuse for lack of intimacy is just that - an excuse.

It sounds to me like the relationship has significant flaws. You might be able to work on them but I think it'll be a toughie.

I don't know. I feel very silly as I wanted us to live together and a bit embarrassed as my parents are very conservative, with deeply held religious views and although they like DP and didn't say anything overt, I know they are a bit sad we moved in together without being engaged or married.

Sometimes I feel, as I do now, that there must be a better option and sometimes he makes me the happiest I've ever been. I have had MH issues before and made silly personal decisions that I have regretted in hindsight. I don't want to make a decision at a low point that I later regret. I find it hard to tell when I'm in the 'correct' mood

CelebratedMonkey - that's just it (and I am of the 'leave the dishes to the end of the day' persuasion... I have just done tonight's because he has pointedly left them stacked in the sink when everything can go in the dishwasher and I can't be bothered having a fight - it's childish)... I don't want to give in and I expect relationships to be hard work. To be honest, I have dated some total shits before, including a guy who threatened to 'carve your cunt up' in the last text he sent me, so DP is a bunch of roses in comparison!

I also think that neither of us have much experience and we'll only get it by toughing it through - that's why I post on here... maybe we're doing things that are easily solvable/that other people manage to sort out.

there IS no acceptable tolerance for shite/mean/possibly abusive boyfriends.

When you have had a dreadful 10 on the Richter scale of shite boyfriends, a 6 or a 7 is STILL SHIT!

He is passive aggressive, he is verbally rude to you and calls you names. He is entitled, and your previous issues are playing right into his hands,

This is easily solvable, please go and live on your own for a while. Work things through, get to know yourself and love the person you are.

Right. DP has just admitted, after I called bullshit on the no dishes = no sex excuse, that he is depressed because his work situation is so bad. He was bullied at his last workplace (where he had been subcontracted to from his company) and he was then recalled to his company who have terminated his contract because he didn't win enough contracts to fund his salary. He will be freelance (with access to company resources if he needs them) from the end of this month after ten years there. Moving to this company from his home country was a gamble that I think he feels hasn't quite paid off.

He doesn't want sex because of his work situation, ditto why he smokes (before he didn't say why he did), ditto why he's in such a sulky foul mood all the time - he honestly wasn't like this until twelve months ago when his father passed away (and understandably so ... I trod on eggshells until February because I couldn't imagine how devastated he was).

I understand what you are saying Hissy and, until ten minutes ago, I was seriously considering it. This new frankness means I will try again although will keep calling bullshit if necessary. I'm going to try and jolly him up... suggested that he write a list of everything he wants to do that he hasn't been able to do before and tick things off. Number one is a trip to Miami (for him only) to see one of his closest friends who emigrated last year.

Number one should maybe be getting himself to the GP to deal with his depression. He could be referred for counselling if that's what he needs.

Still doesn't entitle him to treat you badly, though.

Do it, keep calling bullshit!

All the work stuff? BULLSHIT too, you know that don't you?

Excuses. All of them.

We are all stressed, blah blah, blah, but it doesn't give us any right at all to bully or belittle anyone, least of all our DW/DH.

Why the trip to Miami just him? why is it ALL HIM, HIM, HIM? I worry, I really do. Can't you go too, and he can meet up with his friend while you explore/lie on a beach etc?

Try it all, nothing ventured nothing gained.

You need to see that you tried everything before quitting, I get it.

Good idea, just don't allow the verbal abuse/lazy crap.
He has no right to name call, even if you don't clean the house for a year.

don't clean the house for a year.

She's right though, Rose

He won't go to the GP about the work issue. He may go about his father - his GP is the same nationality as him, which helps. I will see how he is on the anniversary (two weeks) and mention it then. A lot of my friends have had MH issues for the last ten years so I will try to support him as best I can using what I have learnt and Hissyness' bullshit calling

We have drawn up, with a bit of silliness on my part (naming random stupid stuff) a list of ten things he would like to do. Miami is for him only because I can't afford it and went on a lone trip to the USA two Christmases ago using my savings. I'm sure he would take me if I asked but I wouldn't be comfortable with that unless he really, really offered and meant it.

This is the list (it makes me smile): go to Lake District; Develop new software product; Go to Miami and see X; buy a new notebook; go to local banqueting event; go on a river/houseboat (actually can't believe he has never done this, but I did grow up by the Broads); go to Greece (this I will go on, can afford to in the New Year); local NT property that we are always promising ourselves we will go to; hot air balloon ride; go to the Farne Islands for bird watching (not my cup of at all but should be interesting).

I will print the list out in BIG letters and stick it on the wall. I feel so much better now that there is something I can do rather than talking at a brick wall. Thank you Fairenuff and Hissyness for talking with me this afternoon - you have both given me a lot of common sense advice that I will bookmark and return to if/when I need it :)

Wow, what a pampered man.

Why does a relationship have to be so much EFFORT?

God, it sounds like it's a full time job dealing with this man.

Don't you think back to your carefree days, when you could do what you wanted without mortally offending someone?

I really don't think relationships should be like the one you've described. You have one life - do everything you can to be happy.

It does sound like a lot of effort and competitiveness, the sort that can often arise anew when children are born, but are usually temporary with a bit of good-will and a lot less tiredness.

But since you don't have children this seems not to bode well, to me.

Also, he sounds really unhappy and is taking it out on you. If it were my lovely DH who was suddenly, after 20 years behaving like this (uncharacteristically, I might add) I'd try very hard to help him work it out. But in your case - You're 24 and it's simply not worth it, IMO

Are you 24?!

Blimey, thought you were both about 60.

How dreary, go out and live a little.

helloo my dear