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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh's sleeping driving me insane

37 replies

pastapesto · 08/07/2011 19:52

He is not happy a lot of the time but the main thing that makes me think it is that he sleeps so much. I can not get him up before midday. He is not working just now (I am but am on maternity) . He is under a lot of stress for various reasons. I did manage to get him to the dr about a year ago and he told the Dr he thought he was depressed but because he had been in the middle of tests for something else they said there was nothing they could do until that was sorted - it is taking forever to sort that and in the mean time Dh's sleeping is driving me insane.

If I try to talk to him about the impact that his sleep has on the rest of the family (we have to dc) he turns on me and has a go at me about various things such as I don't cook or that I want to have some time to myself when my 'job' is to look after the children. I know it is a defence thing but it makes me feel like I can never bring it up because I will just get verbally attacked in this way and he is impossible to deal with when he is like this.

I feel like it is never going to change and he is just sleeping away his life. He is in other ways great - he does his fair share in the house, is kind and considerate. I just hate wasting every bloody morning we are off waiting for him to be up and I hate being on my own with the kids during that time when we could be together as a family. Nothing I do will get him up but I am so fed up with it. No one I feel I can talk to either hence posting here.

OP posts:
Jellykat · 08/07/2011 20:20

Sleeping a lot is a major sign of depression, if the GP has taken a year to sort out the other issue (a hell of a long time) why couldn't he refer him for counseling? Or could you afford a private one?

maandpa · 08/07/2011 21:02

Has he got thyroid problems? Could there be any other type of physical illness that is causing this? Does he go to bed at a decent time in the evening? Does he drink alcohol excessively? Has he got insomnia, causing him to want to catch up in the mornings?

ImperialBlether · 08/07/2011 21:11

Sorry, this man just sounds really lazy and selfish. If he had a health problem that caused him to sleep a lot, wouldn't he go to bed earlier?

If he is depressed he needs to go back to the doctor.

I don't want you to think I'm not sympathetic - I've lived with an identikit version.

cestlavielife · 08/07/2011 22:16

go to doctors appt with him and find out exactly what they testing him for and whether sleeping is part of it.
sleeping can be symtom of depression.

but any of this is no excuse to verbally attack you.

your psot is confusing - is he kind and considerate or does he verbally attack you? which is it?

Original poster
pastapesto · 08/07/2011 22:48

Thanks for the replies.

He was being checked for sleep apnoea. The hospital appointment took forever to come through and now the results are taking forever and he can't have anti depressants until they rule it out. I am not sure if I will be able to convince him to return to the Dr, it took me months to get him there in the first place.

He does not drink but he does stay up late. I keep saying just go to bed at the same time or get up at the same time. No joy. He just feels like he can't get up.

Good point about the contradictions. He will have a go at me about stuff if I try and bring this up. The rest of the time he is nice to me, but if I try and address this issue he goes off on one and tries to make it about me which makes me not want to bring it up if that makes sense.

OP posts:
BabyYoureAFirework · 08/07/2011 22:50

I agree with ImperialBlether - and I have also had experience of this. Why isn't he working at the moment?

Original poster
pastapesto · 08/07/2011 22:56

Just finished a degree and not secured a job yet. He is looking.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 08/07/2011 23:24

Is he overweight? I believe this is often a big factor in sleep apnoea.

Original poster
pastapesto · 08/07/2011 23:31

Yes he is. At the hospital they said they didn't think he had it but no official results yet.

He has been under a lot of stress, finishing degree, worries about job, some serious problems with his family. I get all that. He is unhappy. I just don't think sleeping half the day helps and I really hate the mornings waiting for him to get up.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 08/07/2011 23:35

My H is like this. It was one of the factors that contributed to the end of our marriage. I feel for you, I understand completely. Sleep is like an addiction - like a sickness for him. But he won't do what he needs to do to try to address it, so I no longer care.

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/07/2011 23:36

Don't wait for him to get up.

Go into him at whatever time you think is reasonable. Open the curtains, make lots of noise (you could take him a cup of tea/coffee it will help) and make it clear that he is to wake up and get up.

And don't take no for an answer.

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/07/2011 23:37

if it will help.

And do it every day and don't let up.

follyfoot · 08/07/2011 23:39

And if he's clinically depressed, doing that will help how exactly Hmm

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/07/2011 23:40

He may be clinically depressed, in which case he needs medication. But sleeping through half the day is not going to help the OP and his family and they shouldn't have to waiting around for him to wake up.

I grew up with a depressive father and so I do understand some of the impact it can have on the rest of the family.

follyfoot · 08/07/2011 23:42

Nor will bullying him into getting up and not taking no for an answer...

Diagnosis from GP is surely the first step.

lambethlil · 08/07/2011 23:43

follyfoot if he's moderately depressed following the same routine as the rest of his family will help a lot.

follyfoot · 08/07/2011 23:45

My DH suffers from depression on occasion. It would not be possible for him to get up whenever I decided was reasonable, he could not actually manage it.

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/07/2011 23:45

How on earth is it bullying him to make sure that he gets up with the rest of the family?

Of course he should get a correct diagnosis, but in the meantime, he does have a family who deserve to have their father around, and a wife who deserves to have her husband sharing in family life rather than just staying up late and then indulging in a long lie in.

Allinabinbag · 08/07/2011 23:57

YOu need to rule out sleep apnoea, my husband has this and he got to the stage he simply couldn't do normal activities he was so exhausted (let alone go to the gym to lose weight). It is treatable though, with a CPAP machine. If they rule that out, then depression is obviously next, I would be down that doctors every few days trying to get answers to the underlying cause, it's not normal and it is affecting you.

I would not wait for him to get up though, before getting on with your day. I would wake up, try to wake him up, then get up and proceed normally, going out, shopping, school, work, whatever. There's no point sitting in watching him, you need to keep things as normal for you and the children as ever. I remember my dad doing this through depression when I was a child, and wondering why he never got out of bed, it was a testament to my mother that I didn't worry about this at all except as an adult when I realised later on what the problem was. Good luck with this, it is hard, but just telling him to get up is pointless until some fairly major health issues have been ruled out.

PigletJohn · 09/07/2011 00:00

when you say he sleeps "so much" how long is that?

have you observed sleep apnoea?

how much does he weigh?

how much does he drink?

Original poster
pastapesto · 09/07/2011 01:26

He doesn't drink.

I have tried everything I can think of to get him up but even if we have to go somewhere he won't. I am up in the night feeding Dd so not getting good sleep. A few days ago I heard Ds wake up and couldn't believe it when dh got up to take him to the toilet at 8am. Dh is in his room right now as Dd is co sleeping on an atempt to get more rest for me. I was so excited to have a long lie and went back to sleep for an hour. When I woke up dh was back on bed asleep and poor Ds had just been left to sit there. I was so upset for him. Dh said he'd been trying to get Ds to go back to sleep again. I said that's ok at 5am not at 8am.

I will push another dr visit and hope he will decide to go.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/07/2011 01:34

Well it's either a health issue or selfishness. I have just been trying to find a link to something a poster on MN mentioned ages ago: something about a particular type of abusive behaviour which involves sleeping a lot and insisting that the rest of the household tiptoe round the sleeper. Have you discussed it with him when he's awake, in terms of the impact it's having on the rest of you?

PigletJohn · 09/07/2011 01:36

how many hours does he sleep?

what does he weigh?

have you observed sleep apnoeia?

Original poster
pastapesto · 09/07/2011 01:53

He stays up later than me so not exactly sure when he goes to bed but he is sleeping now and he probably will sleep till 11/12 ish.

I don't know his exact weight either but he is in the overweight category bmi wise. He's not huge though.

Not seen any sleep aponea no.

I don't have to be quiet fortunately. He can sleep on the sofa all morning while everyone is up. I get frustrated as I feel we would all get more done if he would get up in the morning and I feel lonley being up on my own with the kids. I have tried to talk to him but he gets very defensive. I also do feel worried about him and wish he would talk to someone,

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 09/07/2011 08:57

would have thought if it was a physical health problem, rather than mental health/poor routine problem that he wouldn't be able to stay up late. also very "hmm" about him saying you shouldn't be wanting time to yourself or that your job is to look after the children. Btw as someone who has had clinical depression, I would see that encouraging him to follow your family's routine, rather than sleep in every day, is a good thing, as it is encouraging normal functioning in life iyswim.