Dh's sleeping driving me insane

[pastapesto]

He is not happy a lot of the time but the main thing that makes me think it is that he sleeps so much. I can not get him up before midday. He is not working just now (I am but am on maternity) . He is under a lot of stress for various reasons. I did manage to get him to the dr about a year ago and he told the Dr he thought he was depressed but because he had been in the middle of tests for something else they said there was nothing they could do until that was sorted - it is taking forever to sort that and in the mean time Dh's sleeping is driving me insane.

If I try to talk to him about the impact that his sleep has on the rest of the family (we have to dc) he turns on me and has a go at me about various things such as I don't cook or that I want to have some time to myself when my 'job' is to look after the children. I know it is a defence thing but it makes me feel like I can never bring it up because I will just get verbally attacked in this way and he is impossible to deal with when he is like this.

I feel like it is never going to change and he is just sleeping away his life. He is in other ways great - he does his fair share in the house, is kind and considerate. I just hate wasting every bloody morning we are off waiting for him to be up and I hate being on my own with the kids during that time when we could be together as a family. Nothing I do will get him up but I am so fed up with it. No one I feel I can talk to either hence posting here.

My H isn't depressed, or ill - he's just spoilt, selfish and lazy, and has developed nocturnal habits and a need for 10+ hours of sleep per night. All could be addressed if he wanted to - which he doesn't

Just saying.

Springchicken raises a valid point , some emotional abusers feel entitled to induldge themselves in massive sleeps leaving you to do the bulk of the shitwork . His refusal to discuss this , and to verbally attack you when you raise it is typical abusive behaviour designed to shut you up and make you feel uncomfortable raising it .

If he was waking frequently in the night or having trouble getting to sleep id be more inclined to be sympathetic , but you say he doesnt go to bed until very late . Therefore it makes sense that he then wakes very late , something he could rectify by simply goiing to bed at a reasonable time but aparently chooses not to do .

You say hes kind and considerate , and that he does his fair share . How is he doing his fair share when he is asleep half the day ? Attacking your partner when they raise an issue is not being kind or considerate . Its a concern that you dont feel you can raise this because he,ll have a go at you .

Do some research into your rights if you got rid of this man. It's a helpful little exercise: once you know how much you would get in the way of child support, tax credits etc and whose name the house is in, then you are fully prepared to consider whether your partner's bad qualities are worth putting up with or not.
OK so this man is not hitting you, but his laziness and selfishness and contempt for you are not good signs. THis sleeping of his is passive-aggressive, it';s a way of demonstrating to you that he is the Man and therefore his whims must be indulged, and that you shouldn't be whining for free time as you are a servant.

I think you're in danger OP of pathologising someone who is quite literally, a wanker.

Have a check of his computer history. I would eat my hat if it doesn't reveal that his late nights involve him using porn. If you keep watching women treated like shit, you end up treating women like shit.

Really, stop making excuses for this incredibly selfish and entitled git.

The more I think about it, the more I don't think that it's sleep apnoea btw I recently had some sleep apnoea symptoms - (resolved by getting my hayfever under control) - the pattern I had was struggling to stay awake past 10pm. but otherwise managing to function as normal (btw it was my DH who was concerned about my breathing when sleeping that alerted me to an issue). Surely if it was sleep apnoea you would have noticed difficulties when he slept on the sofa while you were awake in the morning

pastapesto you have my sincerest sympathies, my partner is very similar except when he wakes up he doesn't even get up. He has a back and hip condition so obviously (hmmn) must stay in bed at all times except to smoke, make cups of tea and cook, he can't sit downstairs it's not comfortable plus the dog used to look him, well the dog died and guess what he still can't sit downstairs. We went to the trouble of getting another armchair, one he could sit in more comfortably, oh but then he couldn't sit in it for some reason. You can see there is always an excuse. I couldn't say whether your partner has similar issues to mine but whatever the reason anyone would find it impossible to have a relationship with someone who is never there, always absent because they're always in bed, it is really lonely, it also makes me angry, mine doesn't want to change, I've gone through the worried about him stage and realised he's as happy as larry.

To me it sounds as if he is sleeping late so that you can't. This reinforces that it is your job to look after the dc.

Might be wrong, but it sounds that way to me.

Oh, and it's from what he says to you as well as his actions that lead me to think this.

He goes to bed late so it stands to reason that he is going to get eight hours after he goes to sleep, hence he is not sleeping too much at all it is just when he sleeps.

He is probably a tad depressed but if that was the cause he would be sleeping during the day not just getting up late.

I don't think this is medical at all, I think he just has different sleeping patterns to you.

Thanks, lots to think about.

I do not think he has sleep apnoea, I never did. I do think he is a bit depressed. He has had a difficult few years which has destroyed his confidence. He has had some trauma from childhood too that I think could do with being processed.

I had a good look at his computer, nothing on there. I really don't think he uses porn. If he is then he hides it very well but I am confident that he doesn't.

Today has been better so perhaps my last attempt has made an impact. He was up at ten. He has taken DS to the park now so I am home alone with dd which is nice.

In terms of doing his fair share, I would say he does half the housework. I think he still sees the children as my job. I feel like I need to scrabble around to get time to do things for me like going to the gym or going out. When he gets in one of those moods where he is having a go at me I often do wonder if I would be better off away from him. I do love him though and don't want the marriage to end. I don't think we are at that stage as most of the time we are really happy. I am concerned about the lack of respect he sometimes shows me. Whatever is going on it is not ok for him to speak to me the way he sometimes does but addressing the issue is difficult because of the way he responds.

Have you considered M.E? A huge symptom of M.E is needing more sleep but not being able to get it until the small hours.

"I think he still sees the children as my job."

I'd be inclined to say: "I've GOT a job actually. My company are PAYING me to stay off work to recover from having a child. You, on the other hand, do NOT have a job. I know you are looking, but in the meantime I EXPECT you to at least undertake some of the care of your own children when you are at home and not working. Just as I do."