Anyone else married to a failed artist?

[Vi8]

He's a good man, lovely father, but lives in fantasyland! He's been putting all the eggs in one basket all his life (now late '40s), and has "almost made it" quite a few times, which has kept him going. He's still at it, and I respect his commitment and lack of materialism, but we have two DC, and I'm the main provider. I work part-time and between us we get by financially, but I feel burdened and would also like to devote time to myself and further my studies, for example. I've been dreaming of doing a PhD for years, but it's not going to happen. We have huge rows, and he says he would love to give me more, but just can't get the money together. He just about manages to pay all the bills, while I pay mortage, food, clothes and all the extras. I love him but it's really hard, he just has no initiative apart from what he likes doing. He feels a failure, although he's a naturally optimistic person. It was very attractive to be with someone like this when I was in my 20s, but I'm now 40!!!

Ok, so I'm lazy and selfish. Anyone out there who's feeling down, insecure and full of contradictions (as in Life), don't post here. Some people will enjoy pulling you apart... it's anonimous, so it doesn't matter, does it? Goodbye

OP, come back!!!

Vi8, I understand your frustrations, being "in the business" myself. However, he needs to understand how selfish he is being in putting you in this situation - most artists are selfish to a point but as he now has commitments (you, DCs, a house), this needs to be put to one side.

You also cannot blame him for you not starting a PhD. This was your decision. Decide to start your own life too :)

Don't go! You've posted a really reasonable question and I can't understand why people are being harsh.

Could you shift responsiblity for the DCs completely onto him? That way you can at least concentrate on your career and both of you can have some structure while he decides what to do next?

you have my sympathy OP, i'm not in the situation now, but my ex-partner was adamant that he was going to 'make it' with his music. he worked part-time in a badly paid job, but he could easily have been promoted time and again if he had put in more hours and focused himself. instead it ended up with me working full time evenings/nights, as well full time at uni to support us. it was just depressing in the end, he wouldn't even look for a job that was to do with the music industry, it was 'his music' or nothing. i'd had enough after three and a half years - so i don't know how you've had the patience for 20!

have you ever said to him that maybe it's time that his art should take more of a backseat and concentrate on the rest of the needs/wants of the family for a while?

There is nothing wrong with living a low-income/interesting & creative life as a family, but I think what is becoming a problem here is that the man is contributing less and less to the household both in terms of money and shitwork. He needs to compromise to some extent as if he hasn't made it by now he probably simply isn't quite good enough or lucky enough.

Vi, I empathise! In my experience this sort of loveable (I'm sure!) guy had better be contributing something of value if he's not coming up with the readies. That could be childcare, general househusbandry, DIY/mechanical skills, unswerving support for his working DP, etc...

He should also be doing a bit of teaching or p/t projects, even if he'd rather not. Ideally he should enjoy doing the bread-and-butter jobs because they enable him to develop his own creative stuff (and contribute to his family). Is he part of a local arts scene? Those kind of jobs don't appear in the Job Centre or the local rag.

My advice (it's not great) is discuss the next 12 months with him and jointly decide on some deadlines (dunno - together by this time next year we need to be bringing in £x000. How are we going to do it?)

Good luck x

the lazy comments are a bit unfair.

all that aside, vi8 (i hope you come back) i've been trying to think of ways to help your dh, difficult to advise without knowing exactly what he does. my dh has always worked from a rented studio. it's an isolating way to work, and it's also really hard to stay motivated. does your dh know any other artists?, does he have any kind of support network?. my dh is a member of a few arts societies, he finds meeting up with other like minded people helps.

I was one of the ones who mentioned selfishness (not lazy) and am sorry, was abrupt and harsh.

The selfishness comment was mainly 'cos of the phd and your reference to your "dreams", didn't think it was realistic for many parents of small kids to work towards a phd and my attitude is that when you have kids pipe dreams need to take a back seat. But you've explained that you're a lecturer, so presume that the phd could help further your career, which puts a different slant on it.

I do still think though that your DH is selfish to pursue the art for so long without success, and that he needs to bring in more income.

I sure hope Vi8 is still out there and can start this up again. I’m across the pond and in the exact same boat - married many years and in my mid 40’s now. Amazing husband and dad, stays at home and does all the home stuff: cooking, cleaning, lawn and pool care, home improvements, etc. Our DD is 15 now so we don’t need a full time stay-at-home. His art is amazing but he is just waiting for the world to discover him and he never puts himself out there. I volunteer him for community projects which he does take on, but it’s not the same as him being all the non-artist things he needs to be for succeeding. I think he gets depressed but I also think he sets himself up for failure by not trying.

I pay all the bills and I’m blessed to be financially secure, but I wonder if I have enabled him for so long that he knows he doesn’t really have to work at it because I’ll take care of it. I’m ready to move on with my life. It’s one thing if he’s actually trying, but he’s not. I want to be his partner and wife, not his boss and manager.

Vi8, I hope all is well and you can share with me the bright side (or tell me it’s time to let go and move on..:

My mum was an artist who kept the wolf from the door by being a supply teacher. She was successful enough to make a very good living from in in her twenties and early thirties, and never wanted to give up on getting back to that.

At times I did help support her financially, probably at a younger age than would have been ideal. I was definitely left to fend for myself practically and financially more than was good for me as a child and a teenager. Her art was very consuming, especially emotionally.

The thing is, it did very much keep mental health issues in check for her, so it was easier and better when she was immersed in her art than trying to do other things.

One option that jumped into my mind reading your posts was could he become an art therapist?

My reasoning:

1. he’s always counselling people/training to be a counsellor
2. he says his art keeps him sane and alive

It would not only be a way, might influence the type of studio/workshop/therapy space he uses, would enable him to keep his creative spark alive and might also give him access to new potential markets for his art.

My first thought was art therapy too

He pays all the bills.

Is studying and taking on building work.

He's a great father.

You only work part-time but still make enough to pay the mortgage and food.

He is tallented and his work sells.

He adores you.

You sound like hard work OP.

To be honest he sounds fine, better than a lot of other men, don't think you realise how good you have it TBH.

8 year old ZOMBIE THREAD.

I think you have to balance this situation with the alternative:He gives up on his art ,finds a full time job and becomes fed up and miserable.Not really what you want?.At the moment ,bills are being paid by him and you are managing on your combined income .Even well off people complain they cant manage!.Enjoy your time together as each moment is precious and DC grow up so quickly!