Getting sick of it all

[skettle]

My and my partner live a fair distance away from each other at the moment and so only get to spend one in every two weekends together. He comes to stay with us every other friday night until sunday night. The trouble is he constantly comes down with no money, he works full time yet can never seem to manage to save a few £s just to enable us to go out for a few drinks... even though Ive said Ill pay for myself, he still never has enough money to pay for himself.

I know he's in alot of debt, he has credit cards and loans etc and he is terrible with money, as soon as he gets paid he more or less wastes it all. He ran up a big phone bill on his mobile and ended up getting his contract terminated and court action threatened because he couldnt pay it.

He also insists on keeping a 14 year old, modified car which, together with his driving convictions for speeding (which he seems to think is big and clever) provide him with a £130 a month insurance bill not to mention constant repairs on it (it spends more time off the road than on).

I have two children of my own to support yet when he comes down on the weekend he thinks nothing of asking me to 'lend' him money towards magazines and in the past has asked me to lend him money for DVD's, clothes, takeaways and alcohol, he doesnt seem to realise that I get less money than he does...yet I simply budget properly.

Earlier this year we went on holiday to blackpool, he was supposed to be saving money to go yet ended up taking half of what he was supposed to be taking, we had planned to go half's on everything, one night we went out to the tower and he took £15 with him, this was to cover a meal for 4, entrance fee's to the tower and all the drinks for the night. I ended up spending around £70 that night trying to keep everyone (including him who was nagging for food and drink!) happy.

Everytime he's in trouble he phones his mum up (who he still lives with), he came to stay with me for two weeks a few months ago and brought with him £40 to last the two weeks...first thing he did when he got here was buy a console game for £30. This left us skint and unable to do anything at all for the duration of the two weeks (I had money but could hardly just go out and leave him and I couldnt afford to pay for us both to go out etc). So he phones his mum... she puts £30 in his bank account....first thing he does with that is buy a new coat. The thought of supporting himself when he's here never seems to enter his mind.

He's hoping to move in with us next year but the way things are going I think this would devestate my household finantially, I think he would waste all our money on stupid things, bills wouldnt get paid and we'd never have any money to enjoy ourselves...at the moment we are ok, everything is paid on time and we have money to save and spend... am I wrong to risk losing this stability?

am I being harsh? is he likely to change his ways once he comes into the real world (i.e. leaves his mum)? Sometimes I feel like Im whinging over nothing, he is a nice bloke deep down, he's always buying the kids dvd's etc (but again that's spending money that he hasnt got) but I spent 7 years with my ex never going out and never doing anything exciting...Im seeing so many signs of this in my current DP that it's putting me off taking it any further.

Any advice/thoughts welcome.

All I can say to you is that people - especially men- don't change. Really and truely go with your instinct on this one, you know what is going to happen if he moves in with you. No matter how nice and kind he is, he has an immature attitude towards money and responsibility. Do you really want another dependant?

Also, you refer to this man as your partner but he is not. A partner is someone who takes responsibilty with you and supports you in all matters. This guy, although he sounds like a nice person doesn't sound ready for a grown up realationship. Sorry if I sound negative.

Sorry but the situation doesn't sound good. He doesn't sound mature enough and I don't want to sound harsh but has he no self-respect, expecting you to pay for everything when you have your own responsibilities.

I think if he is to move in you need to have an honest chat about the finances.

Yep definitely talk to him completely bluntly about it. Can only get worse if he moves in.

Walk.

Sorry to be blunt ...... he's taking you (and his mum) for fools. He will never learn to be sensible and budget - why should he ? - if there's always someone willing to bail him out.

Frankly, this sort of behaviour is contemptuous and shows you no respect.

Do you ever get the money back you "lend" him?

You know you deserve better .... especially after putting up with similar for 7 years before.

He's not a partner, he's your third child. I'm afraid I couldn't find anyone appealing who behaved like that.

By moving this man into your family, I think you would risk your future stability and that of your children.

Don't do it. I live with a man like this. If you give him access to money he will spend it. He will spend the bill money, the food money, the mortgage money, and when you complain he will accuse you of being uptight. I know the signs. I have to hide my purse. A constant conversation we have goes like this

ME: we need some more milk. It's your turn to fetch it
HIM: Have you got any money?
ME: Haven't you? It's your turn to buy it.
HIM: You know I never have money on Tuesday (Wednesday Thursday Monday Sunday Delete as needed)
ME: So I'm paying again then?
HIM: Oh forget it then, we'll just do without milk. I can't go without money, can I? God, you are so tight!

We have an enormous (unwatched) Dvd colloction.

Don't do it. If you can live without this man, do it. He is sponging from you. It will affect your life, it will affect your life so much. He will spend all his money in 3 days flat and then get stropy if you don't let him start on yours. I know I am the voice of doom, but I live like this.

Skettle - well done, because you sound as if you manage your money really well - you sound confident and proud of your ability to do so, and so you should!
If this man moves in, he will take away all of that. He will jeopardise the stability you have created for your children, it will be THEIR treats that are the first to go (well, after yours), then money for essentials will disappear, and all your pride in your strong independence will evaporate.

Sorry to add to the gloom but agree with hunker, first thing that sprang to mind was this woman has three kids not two, also mean of pocket mean of spirit, I think your esteem might be a bit dented because of past failed relationship but no matter how nice you think this guy is DEEP DOWN, none of us can live on NICE alone.

He is already wearing you down and thats when you only have to see him once a fortnight, imagine being like that full time, I dont hold out much hope for this, does he gamble? or is this immaturity, ether way you deserve to be with a man not a child.

Sorry this may seem harsh but none of this looks healthy at all.

Thanks for the replies.

He does gamble yes, apparantly he had a 'problem' a few years ago and used to spend all his money on slot machines. When we were in Blackpool the B&B had a slot machine and he was always on that... he even commented that he felt he couldnt enjoy his holiday as he couldnt go into the casino.

Ive just been speaking to him and he is due to come down tomorow...he's already told me that he has no money to bring with him. Another weekend sat in front of the TV.

Last time he got paid he spent £120 on clothes in one shop (first shop we went in)... he then wanted to go back for a £80 jacket.

Last weekend we got a couple of DVD's in.... no money to go out so I thought "dvd's, takeaway..shouldnt be too bad..." he fell asleep during the first DVD then turned men and motors on after it.

He also eats everything (see worried about partners eating), if I buy crisps he'll eat them all, biscuits all get eaten in a couple of days and one time I was rushed so bought the kids a pizza to share for their tea... their dad had supposed to have given them some tea but didnt so they'd had nothing to eat since 12ish and it was around 6:30pm. Anyway, got the pizza home, commented that I didnt think there was enough there for them to share only for him to take a slice and eat it right in front of me!

He is really nice though, its just all these little things add up and make me feel I could never live with him and if that's the case, where is the future?

(also, please tell me if Im being petty!)

Skettle! You are NOT being petty. He is out of control. Does he use speed?

Oh, no, the eating bellies that...I was jjust tinking of his general mad spending and slot machines. i knew someone who used a lot o =f speed and was just like your partner.

is he 15 years old?

Blu, depending on when he eats, that would be bang on with the use of speed. If he is using speed, then 2 or 3 days after he has had a binge on it, he will binge on carby food, because he won't have eaten properly and will be starving.

He doesn't sound very nice TBH, he sounds selfish.

Skettle - I think you know what you need to do

From your posts it is clear you are a sharp cookie - much too sharp to be taken in by a shy by night

Don't let him jeapordise the stability that you have worked so hard to achieve! As my mum would say, 'there;s many more fish to fry'!!!!

Message withdrawn

You're not petty. You think he's nice but what nice person would eat the food of hungry children. Issues over money are crucial in the success of a relationship, but it really sounds to me like his attitude will destroy not only your relationship but if you can't say no to him you might end up losing your home and solvency.

Say no that is my only advice Don't put up with this

skettle, people who say money doesn't matter don't fully understand this kind of situation, IMO.

It's not having or not having money, it's his attitude to it that makes all the difference. When one partner feels they are doing all the budgeting, taking all the responsibility, it inevitable leads to bad feeling. After a while you feel used. It's never going to work.

He will tell you you're being petty, people like this always think for some reason that it's magically easier for you to pay for thing than for them. It will make you resentful and you will argue and argue. Make the break. When you find someone who treats money as you do it will be like a new dawn for you, and will feel wonderful.

He sounds like a complete loser, sorry. I wouldn't waste my time on him. You sound very sorted and organised and he just sounds immature and selfish.

for god's sake - get a life and ditch this loser - at least until he gets some professional help. sounds like he has some emtional problems that he covers up with by compulsive shopping/eating!
You are wasting your time with him - time that you should be dedicating to yourself and your children.

He is a freeloader.

He is selfish.

He doesn't care about your kids going hungry.

Does he EVER buy you anything ?

Has he EVER contributed to the food bill ?

I would call him and cancel this weekend.

So, he has no money for the weekend. Then what is he going to eat ?

Tell him if he comes with no money, he'll be going hungry as you only have enough for yourself and the children.

Personally, I'd be inclined to call him and tell him he can go whistle.

How he's behaving is NOT nice - it is the complete OPPOSITE of nice .... it is SELFISH, MEAN, INCONSIDERATE, THOUGHTLESS, IMMATURE, IRRESPONSIBLE & CONTEMPTUOUS.

Sorry .... but in all your posts, though you say he's "nice", you haven't described anything "nice" he does. Nice-looking isn't good enough.

Does he help you decorate ? Does he do your garden? Does he plunge in with the chores ? ..... doesn't sound like it, but those are the sorts of things genuinely nice people do in order to repay someone else's kindness if they genuinely can't afford the cash ....

.... but he CAN afford "boy's toys".

This so-called man is a spoilt little boy.

Ditch him. PLEASE. He is a total loser.

And as for his mum always bailing him out - think you'd be moving her in (in spirit at least) if you let him through your door.

What does he actually bring to your life? Sounds like nothing. How can you feel anything for this overgrown selfish lout?

Skettle,
After reading through your thread I wonder what exactly do you get out of this relationship? From where i'm standing it seems like take take take on his part and you do all the giving. I agree with others unless this man makes you truely happy ( in which case you help him through all his problems, with eyes wide open) ditch him , he's trouble and I think you know that really deep down as you wouldn't be asking these questions.
There are many more people in the world you've yet to meet who deserve you- don't make life hard for yourself by taking on another child (with greed in his heart). Take care.